Thank you for clarifying that for me. I will put in place notes in addition to the changes I'm implementing and methods of relieving my anxiety to help aid in this.



What makes you feel I was wanting credit?



Again I'm sorry for monday. This is an exagerration.

It seemed to me also, that you are expecting credit for sometimes keeping your agreement.

Here is a direct quote from you:

Yes I have broken and have also upheld the agreement at times.

Do you see how that is a little bit like if your wife was here complaining that you beat her several times a month, then you come here and say "Yes, but there are several days a month I don't beat you as well!"

Exagerrations and comparisons are fantasy not reality. If the reason that I added that is in question then it should be asked and not assumed that I was asking for credit.

The thing is, it's not about credit or not credit. Or about identifying where the blame belongs. It's about focusing on what you want, and deposits and withdrawals. Does your MC use the MB plan? What is your plan in MC?

I think LA has the right of it. They are both getting a payoff from the continued method. I offered a possible solution for both of them (stay away from each other for a month so you can come back later and be constructive) and neither one even acknowledged it. Two people trying to prove their side, instead of doing the real work. But then again, they ARE divorced, for heaven's sakes. This whole thing is confusing me.

I see and hear what appears to be avoidance and blame-shifting and justification from you on a regular basis. Your ex-wife may possibly see much of the same.

It may be in your best interest to know, that in spite of (or maybe because of?) all the carefully worded posts and what some would call psycho-babble, you appear very controlling and unable to own your own junk.

I am not God to know all your innermost thoughts..just telling you how you come across.

I agree.

I feel this is a very good point.

He does not use the MB plan. I have not been able to make plans because of changing events. To my knowledge she is no longer attending counseling.

What have I avoided?

What blame have I placed?

What em I justifying?



I'm only speaking facts and truth about how I feel.

I feel there has been many false payoffs in all of this for both of us.

I'm here and I'm ready, willing and able to do the hard work.

Then why not back off for a month and give yourselves time to rediscover yourselves - as human beings, not as spouses/ex-spouses? So that you can approach the 'work' with honesty and clarity and no inflamed feelings? What you two are doing right now is pointless. Makes for good tv, though.

Sorry, that was rude. But it's what I feel.

Would it make you feel ok if I said I got a chuckle??? lol

I have a hard time not speaking to her for 3 days of the week let alone a month. I would honestly not be able to handle that at this time and would only break that agreement if I made it. No false hope agreements IMO should be made.

Ezb, your plan stays the same, regardless of the changing events, or whether she attends, KWIM? Would you be willing to talk to your MC about a plan? A statement like, "I'm willing to do the work" without having a plan of work to do may not provide the stablity you need.

For example, I go to Alanon, a 12 step program. It's all laid out, and I know exactly what I need to do. I have a sponsor who has worked the steps, and I can call for support. Regardless of what my H or anyone else does or doesn't do. What do you think about a plan like that?

But you're divorced! Divorce means you break up. It means you go your separate ways. It means you find other people to date and marry. It means you PLAN on not speaking to each other again for months on end, if ever.

Honestly, you're the only divorced couple I know (relatively speaking) that planned to continue to 'fix' their relationship after the divorce. So that tells me that either bunny never really planned to fix anything with you and just said so to get the divorce put through, or else you guys really didn't plan to divorce and got pushed into it somehow.

If the former is true, she's only still here because she can't stand to let you get the last word, and you should be man enough to walk away.

If the latter is true, you guys should just pretend you're still married and move back in and go to MC.

I definately think a plan is needed. I have had some yes and I have followed them.

Every post makes it more obvious. Maybe you would do well to figure out what it is you're doing, to cause you to be perceived this way.

I believe it means what you make it. She has not said she wants to just go her seperate way. She has stated she's willing to date and work on things.


I never wanted the divorce and still don't want to split. The other questions you will have to ask her.


I'm willing to do what it takes to fix us (no I will not be perfect). If she is not that is her choice and that is why I said last friday for her to start making improvements or come get the rest of her things.

Ezb,

You can do what you do not think you can do.

You can choose to go NC for one month.

You are able. You are not willing.

Your body seemingly suffers severe separation anxiety reactions to abandonment.

You choose not to go to Alanon meetings (I heard too busy, too much on your plate, other priorities).

You do not see an IC for these debilitating, out of control episodes which are harming you and your relationships with others...I hear you saying they prohibit your ability to not hold yourself to what you promised.

Which would be an excuse.

Not an explanation.

These panic attacks feel like dying...so does abandonment of SELF.

She's not your self. She's not half of you...she WAS half of the marriage she chose to end, 'k? She did not end you, or parts of you.

What's your plan for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual care of yourself? Do you have a hidden fear that going NC for a full month will be that you no longer have this codependency, that you'll truly break free from the enmeshment and won't need her anymore? Won't love her anymore?

Just curious. You are addicted to a person...same as a drug...which abandons yourself...and seeing her walk away, shut you out, blame and close off from you from blaming you...all out of your control...is like seeing your self walkaway from you...which annihilates and erases you.

And it doesn't, really. Sure feels like the real thing. She's your self-image, ezb...not your true self. You remain.

Breathe and consider that the false coping, soothing and false comfort has come to an end, hence, your body is signalling you in no uncertain terms that what you believe is kicking your emotional tush...and it must stop.

LA

Why are you avoiding my questions? If you feel it is the case then those questions should be easy to backup with facts and previous posts quoted correct?

I will be more then willing to try that at this point. It would never happen though I feel since he wont even give me the no contact days now. I believe it could do a lot of good for the both of us.