I should have mentioned its complicated by the fact we were apart 5 days a week for 18 months when the A started. Now we are together and would not be apart again, so I dunno how much weight to put on the distance in deciding what to do.

""Your best plan is to do a 180. Dispell her "I'm too cool for you" bullchit, and begin to heal yourself. Women like STRONG, mysterious men, and so just sort of turning off the emotions around her and backing off from the R&A talks is going to bring her around faster than ANYTHING else will.""

AMEN REZZZ!!

Lefty,

Please print out the above in bold, enlarge it, and then stick it places where YOU can read it everyday. (she doesn't need to)

Back off on the relationship talk and telling her how badly she hurt to you. Suck it up on looking for the COMFORT from her...for now anyway. Lower your expectations that you will receive comfort or understanding from her.

She has her own demons to overcome.

kirk

Lefty,

One more thing..."I don't really have much of a support group as there is only 1 friend that I have that knows the extent of what happened."

I was totally where you are now. No other person knew about my wife's A accept the OM, his wife and our MC.

I OBTAINED VERY MUCH COMFORT AND SUPPORT HERE IN THE HALLS OF MB. This will be a life saver for you.

Continue posting, venting and asking questions. We may be strangers now, but won't be for long.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

kirk

Rather than start a new post I figured I would add to my old one.

I have been doing my best with the 180 plan. Trying not to go to her for comfort or to express my feelings (the negative ones anyway). I think it is starting to work but I am not getting my need for SF at all. We had a period of about a month when we first got back together where she really tried to meet that need and she did so very successfully. But for the last month we have not made love but one time which was really not that great. Not like it was before I started to deal with my feelings. I am confused now and scarred. We haven't so much as kissed even. I feel absolutely nothing sexually from her. She gives me a peck here and there and shows affection but it's almost like she would to just a friend. Everything was going so well but her lack of interest is really starting to bother me. I admit that a big part of this is the fact that it seems like she had no problem sleeping with the OM after having only met him in person a few days prior. It seems like she should still want me. She seemed to for the first month we were back together. I'm frustrated every night now and can't sleep because I need to be close to her but she is like a cold wall as soon as I even act as though I want to make love. Before she was telling me that she wanted me to be more aggressive but now it's like she is avoiding it at all costs. Is this normal? Things have been rough the last few weeks but I haven't stopped trying to meet her needs.

I dunno if its normal but went about the same for me. Lot of SF at first but slowed down to almost nothing now. Well, maybe twice in the last month. I also get a cold reaction if I do anything more than a kiss. And yeah, the notion that if OM was here she would want to go get a hotel room with him burns me.

I guess its just part of the withdrawals, I dunno. Maybe she just needs time. For some reason, my WW chose me immediately and instituted NC, but a week or two ago starting hedging about her decision. Then I became sorta distant, and now she is all 100% she wants to be with me, but still needs more time for the SF. Its truly a roller coaster.

I am no expert, but I guess it could also have something to do with the guilt of what she has done settling in. Might make SF more difficult. I dunno, its hard to read my WW and she doesnt tell me a whole lot, just a guess.

OK, just my two cents here, but a long time ago in these halls of MB when I was posting the exact same words that you two are I was told that "ONE DOES NOT SOLVE SF PROBLEMS BY HAVING SEX".

For whatever that's worth.

Hiato,

"I am no expert, but I guess it could also have something to do with the guilt of what she has done settling in. Might make SF more difficult."

Spoken like a true expert. The withdrawal is coming to an end and harsh reality is dawning.

Plus the triggers must be huge, for both the WS and BS. It is a rough time. Communication helps mucho, if you both wish to discuss! Also a third party MC person directing the conversations are helpful to bring it all out.

Plus there is the timing, this is a marathon not a sprint.

kirk