Like I said before ... this case has taken a negative turn and will likely NOT end well for any of the party's involved. "Something" happened shortly after Plan B started that caused AW3 to stop making good decisions. It appears that it won't be long before AW3 puts out the Welcome "doormat" for his WW to walk on as she re-enters their lives.

At this point, yes, it would HAVE to include a job change, though that wasn't in the original PBL (Yes, I gave her one!).

A truly repentent heart would be obvious; unfortunately, I'm not sure she's ever had one before because I've always shouldered the burdens and covered for her immediatley after her previous A's (changed churches, NEVER mentioned them again, etc.) And, an apology would be one indication of repentence.

And, yes, I do think counseling for ALL of us would be beneficial...though that wasn't part of the original PBL.

AB, I don't know if you believe in deliverance ministry, but I think this would really help your wife. It addresses specific root causes for problems throughout her life.

Isn't that only available in West Virginia?

Sorry...couldn't resist!

EXACTLY why you really really really don't want to let her move back in for at least six months! How on earth is she ever to understand the immensity of what she's done to all of you if all she has to do is play contrite? And believe me, everything you listed can be faked!

She needs to spend a concerted time and effort on waking up day after day after day and realizing 'wow, I really screwed up; I hope he's going to be willing to give me one final chance; what else do I need to do to work on myself so that he'll think I'm worth forgiving?'

Remember, the time she has spent away from the house so far was FUN time for her; it was not time spent waffling around wringing her hands and asking God to forgive her. It was spent enjoying herself and demanding that everyone accept her new level of selfishness.

um... wasn't Deliverance set in Georgia?

Speaking as someone born in the Peanut State. When I lived in Canada there was one friend who liked to hum a few bars of "Dueling Banjos" when he wanted to tease me...

Meeting your PBL requirements doesn't mean you are willing to reconcile, it only means you are willing to discuss the possibility of it.

You can and SHOULD add more requirements for reconciling w/ her.


And it looks as though you are doing more of the same. When she texted you last night, YOU shouldn't have to push her to call you.

YOU shouldn't do a damned thing here.

Except sit back, watch, and WISELY discern whether WW is ready, willing and able to do the heavy lifting.

LOL Bit, now THAT was funny!

Excellent post!

Please ab, get this.

This:


And this:


Are some dem fine advice.

This is HER job to fix.

YOUR job is to protect yourself and your children from (more) potential toxicity that she may spew.

That is WHY you are dark. Can you put an autoforward on your texts from her so that they are screened by the mediator?

Ditto Cat and Marshmallow... are ya listening AB?

You know, I had it in my head that it was somewhere else besides West Virginia, but I couldn't remember exactly where.

Isn't it 'Jawjuh' anyway?

It sho nuff is Jawjuh.

Georgia and Australia... both founded as British penal colonies! That's ok, I grew up mostly in Tin-uh-see... home of the poor mountaineer who barely kep' his famly fed.

I'm trying to talk my H into us building a log home. For real. The poor canuck hasn't figured out how to say no yet.

[/sillyness]

Yes, AW you aren't doing her any favors by rescuing her/accepting her back without true repentance. If she's just manipulating, then you shouldn't fall for it; and if she's sincere, it does her spirit good to experience some repercussions, and to feel conviction. That's the only way toward growth.

Not to mention that accepting her back prematurely is harmful to you and your kids.

Abandoned, you may take her back if you want to just "bend over" and let her walk all over you and the kids.

Do it soon if you want to bend over the rest of your life and have her cheat on you again and again. (Please dont do this)

And I can see that financially you guys are pushing it. She does not make much (surely)as a home care aid. And you make even less. Reality says you cannot support that home and all the kids on your own. You need the two incomes. If you want to keep the home. That home.

So, your motivation maybe is to get her back quickly and get her income back fast so as not to lose the home. And so as not to lose the baby because of shortage of finances. Your wife is probably busily blowing all her income on another place to stay and her other man.

You maybe cannot even make July's house payment by yourself can you. This will add extra pressure onto you. And I have no good solution.

Do you want your home and money rolling in? But a huge stressful situation when the "crazo wife" move back home?.

OR

Do you want to get a legal prenup and put in about 10 other MEASUREABLE protections in place to save the kids stress and then slowly in six months or more let the woman come back.

(Personally, I would never talk to her again except about who gets the kids, etc I would not want that MRS TOXIC in my life, ruining it completely.)

Look at it another way. You are financially dependent on a mentally unstable, manipulative, dishonest and selfish woman. Who abuses you and the kids. This is a sad place to be Abandoned.

My solution for you is to somehow get financially independent. That way you wont have to be a doormat and let her back in because of fear you may lose the house and therefore not have enough $$ to adopt the baby.

Move to an apartment if you have to to keep away from that woman and to not be a doormat anymore!

I bet much of the reason you ignored the first two affairs and are on the road to ignoring this one is that HOME AND FAMILY are so important to you that you would put up with ANYTHING EVEN CHEATING AND ABUSE in order to have a nice home(Or at least the appearance of a nice normal family and a home) for your kids and money to live at a certain lifestyle (or at least appear to live the lifestyle).

You were all these years ignoring your wife's terrible behavior (all the red flags and her cheating) so much that you were blindly skipping along having kids with her, becoming more and more financally dependent on her, buying big new homes with her, spending money with her, and adopting children with her. You simply put up with her difficult personality or you became blind to it.

All these thing are things you should be doing with a normal, loving, non-abusive woman who does NOT CHEAT ON YOU.

You can't change this woman into a loving normal woman who DOES NOT CHEAT! There is no majic wand to change her. So this kind of woman is usually one that YOU DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH, YOU DO NOT BUY BIG FINANCIAL ALBATROSS HOMES WITH, THAT YOU DO NOT TRY AND ADOPT CHILDREN WITH and THAT YOU NEVER BECOME FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON.

If you wanted to have a huge home and adopt kids it would have been better to pick a wonderful woman to do it with. Not try and make this creep into a wonderful woman. You cannot change her. She is what she is.

Stella, where did you get this???


I said it was 60-40, with ME being 60! And, she is not an AIDE, she is a Hospice NURSE, making MORE than she could anywhere else...more than if at a hospital even!

I get your point, but you were proving it with erronious information.

And also...You Are Right...I cannot EVER change anyone, but God CAN! HE definitely will have to if R occurs, I'm not even trying!

Sorry I was wrong. So can you afford your lifestyle on your income alone? What will you lose without her income?

Didn't say that either. OBVIOUSLY, with a 40% reduction in the household income...MANY things will change!

The biggest problem is that my job is 80% commission, so I never know what each check will be in advance.

Aw3,

Some things to consider - obviously your wife has gone off the deep end mentally - what ever difficulty she was managing when she was living at home and you were taking care of everything she was struggling - likely exacerbated by her line of work. (actually, her antics with her son remind me of my own mother when my mother would lose her temper with us, she got physical - even when we were older).

Part of reconciliation should require a full mental evaluation and treatment. With your notes and text messages and emails from her, as well as your son discussing her behavior with the therapist, she will not easily b.s. her way through any testing/evaluation being done. And the one doing the testing should be a clinical psychologist - yes, expensive, but more accurate than any other mental health professional since they will do a full battery of tests, including MMPI.

As long as she's living with her parents, away from OM and getting help, so that one day she can come back to her family there can be progress. But you haven't seen remorse yet - and I'm glad you are aware of the manipulation - you missed another opportunity to call out the professionals on her 2nd suicide threat btw...

You need to get her documented by someone else besides the evidence you have.

How are you keeping your head on straight to do sales with all this flying around? I work in sales and it is not easy!

Her parents and I actually discussed her need for psychiatric help last night. At first, I think they thought that I believed her to need "help" just because she had left me. Now...Ithink they are seeing for themselves how destructive she has become.

Yesterday, I dropped them off at M's for their visit. My son had a baseball scrimmage at 6:30, so I went to the field and waited for "step-dad" to bring him. At 6:15, I get a call from my son saying WW will not let him come...nor will he and his sister get to come to the party at my house today. I call WW's mom and ask what is going on. She says WW has left and instructed them to tell me to come get all 3 kids and get out themselves! I go and get my kids, I have heard nothing further!

Apparently, there was once again a dispute over the cell phone. She wanted to TAKE them because she believed that's what I had been doing so they wouldn't speak to her. My son simply went outside to call me and tell me what happened.

YES, normally, I would tell them to obey their mother and give her their phones if she asked. But, NOW, I fear they may need them when they are with her to call for help! Even if she was upset at his refusal, there would be no call for her reaction. It IS documented, and there were 3 other adults present that witnessed her storming off with her kids, once again, left behind!

I did tell her mother that I would be glad to meet them at the hospital later and sign any necessary papers to get her the "help" she so desperately needs.

I still view her biggest problem as a spiritual one, but there is no doubt a mental issue at work here as well.

As to the sales job...you are correct, it is VERY difficult. That is my biggest fear. I am typically a top-five performer for my company, that status has certainly suffered through this, as well as my paychecks!

The kids absolutely need their cell phones! If you think WW may take them, can you give them an extra one that they will keep hidden but with them, for emergencies?

It's good that there are adult witnesses. And that her mom was one of them. What does she think the next step should be? Is she prepared to have WW admitted, or what?

Is OM still in the picture?