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Hi Brown,
How are you doing today? Hi Q I am struggling. I am so behind with work n i need to also study. On top of that I am struggling with WH living with OW. It hurts. I love this man even with all his faults. But I also can't help but reflect on our 10 year relationship. He has always found an excuse to have a close (not physical) relationship with other women. Wanting to hold hands with other women, wanting to be close friends n having weird online conversations. I have always blamed myself bcos I couldn't always b there for him, but i am wondering is there another side to him. Don't get me wrong, i love him despite all of this, but it hurts nevertheless.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Posts: 15,310
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He has always found an excuse to have a close (not physical) relationship with other women. Wanting to hold hands with other women, wanting to be close friends n having weird online conversations. So BASICALLY, you're saying that he's had a HISTORY of AFFAIRS. An EMOTIONAL AFFAIR is an AFFAIR. Brown, this may be a CHARACTER PROBLEM of HIS. This makes your situation DIFFERENT. I'm not as familiar with these situations. Why don't you start a new thread asking for help on this. "WH with HISTORY OF AFFAIRS" or something like that... For this situation, I would lean towards telling you to move on. You have no children. He has a low likelihood of changing. He wants to have a HAREM. He probably will gladly keep his current OW, have you on the side and move on to someone else at the same time... HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE, it seems..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Posts: 365
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I don't know, i keep on thinking i didn't give him enough attention. He just liked to talk to other women (nothing sexual as such) but just wanting to hold hands.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
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Cut him outta your life like an old moldy piece of cheese. He is not worth it. Are you really so weak that you are thinking of getting him back?
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Joined: Dec 2002
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He just liked to talk to other women (nothing sexual as such) but just wanting to hold hands. WHAT? HOLDING HANDS???? That's called "PRELUDE TO SEX"..somebody help me..I can't think of the word... One MAJOR ISSUE, Brown, is that you don't find this to be TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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You giving him more attention would not dismiss the FACT that he did not flat out know that THIS IS WRONG!!
You find a man that would do this, by nature, to be ATTRACTIVE?
Remember, most of our WSes TRIED to keep their WRONGDOINGS hidden and secret....mine did for years..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365
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I did not find it acceptable. I told him the same. I came from a conservative family n he made me feel like i was the one who was orthodox. Then when i told him it was unacceptable in any culture, he said that it wouldn't happen if i was there for him all the time.
He was so caring other times that i almost convinced myself that it was me that was the problem.
Now I am starting to think that the 12 years of our relationship (6 marriage n 6 courting) were all a lie and that is so hard to accept
I can't explain why i still love him. I never liked what he did - i still don't but i guess i have convinced myself that it is my fault, and that if i give him all the attention - i can fix it.
Last edited by browneyes35; 06/18/08 04:13 PM.
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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Posts: 15,310 |
I can't explain why i still love him. I never liked what he did - i still don't but i guess i have convinced myself that it is my fault, and that if i give him all the attention - i can fix it. I UNDERSTAND how and why you still love him, Brown. Sorry, I was being HARD on you. You weren't making this CLEAR (to me, sorry) that you didn't know it was WRONG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE CHOSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND TO ACT LIKE A SINGLE-MAN ALTHOUGH HE WAS MARRIED! Sure, he may have needed more attention. It's OK to take responsibility for maybe needing to give your husband more attention. BUT, HIS CHOICE on how to handle that WAS and IS WRONG!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365
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I can't explain why i still love him. I never liked what he did - i still don't but i guess i have convinced myself that it is my fault, and that if i give him all the attention - i can fix it. I UNDERSTAND how and why you still love him, Brown. Sorry, I was being HARD on you. You weren't making this CLEAR (to me, sorry) that you didn't know it was WRONG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT HE CHOSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND TO ACT LIKE A SINGLE-MAN ALTHOUGH HE WAS MARRIED! Sure, he may have needed more attention. It's OK to take responsibility for maybe needing to give your husband more attention. BUT, HIS CHOICE on how to handle that WAS and IS WRONG!! I wonder what is wrong with me! If I think that he has a character flaw, then I wonder that well what is so crap about me that i am being rejected. 12 years is a long time to throw away but is that what I need to do?
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Posts: 6,643
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Brown there isn't anything WRONG with you. Sometimes we get into our lives and stop thinking of ourselves as worthwhile people and accept the CRAP that our spouses give us because we either don't know any different or we choose to look the other way. We like the security such as it is, over the unknown.
Do you know the example of the frog in boiling water?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I think you need to do PLAN B..but I really, really wish you would READ "Surviving an Affair" to get your BEST UNDERSTANDING of all of this.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 6,531
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Yes. And figure out why you love this man who cheats.
What kind of work do you do, Brown?
What job type does your husband do?
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Brown, what classes are you taking?
What is your schooling goal? A degree? what type of degree?
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Do you know the example of the frog in boiling water? No, I have not heard of that one
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365
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Posts: 365 |
Yes. And figure out why you love this man who cheats.
What kind of work do you do, Brown?
What job type does your husband do? I am an auditor, my H is an IT consultant
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365
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Posts: 365 |
Brown, what classes are you taking?
What is your schooling goal? A degree? what type of degree? I have a degree. I am now studying for accountancy, these are my finals, and then I become a chartered accountant
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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I might get this wrong, but you'll get the gist, I hope.
If you were to drop a frog in boiling water, he would immediately jump out for obvious reasons.
But if you drop a frog into water and slowly turn the water up to boiling point, because he got used to the heat, he wouldn't get out of the water when it's boiling and instead would die.
You and I allowed things to happen in our M that were safe, ok, or respectful. We didn't notice them for each one item until now.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 365 |
I think you need to do PLAN B..but I really, really wish you would READ "Surviving an Affair" to get your BEST UNDERSTANDING of all of this. I will read it this weekend Should I be even thinking of ever accepting him back?
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Posts: 6,643 |
Leave what happens to G-d.
You are I are injured people who need to heal for ourselves.
Today our marriages won't be restored, and all we have is today, so let's work on us just for today.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
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Posts: 15,310 |
Should I be even thinking of ever accepting him back? Read up on PLAN B. You will ACCEPT HIM back if/when he meets your PLAN B CONDITIONS...if/when he DECIDES to begin working on being your HUSBAND..if YOU still have LOVE left for HIM if/when that happens...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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