Hon, she really hasn't HIT the bottom yet.

Wait.

Be still (which is a most excellent post by our dear Ark).

Do what you HAVE to do to sheild yourself and the children from the insanity.

It's all in her court now. Only SHE can change, if she so chooses.

Yeah, I know. She's bounced up and down and been really close, but she's not there yet!

I'm dark again. I cannot be manipulated anymore into feeling sorry for her or attempting to accept the blame for HER decisions.

It just kills me that, I DID WARN her before she left that ALL of this would happen! In fact, that's a HUGE part of the problem!

This would be much easier for her if I had somehow tainted my reputation or ruined my relationship with the kids in the past 7 weeks. If I had only dated someone else or stopped going to church...or, anything other than what I've done, she would feel much more justified now in what she has done!

I know.

Fortunately for your children, your wife chose a man of honor to father her children.

Thanks for that...I'm just a sinner saved by grace.

Not sure why some others here have a different point of view, but I have to take the good with the bad I suppose.

Friday night, after being told how much I was hated, having things thrown at me, and wathcing her destroy different items in her "new place," WW tells me that I'm just "perfect." She says our daughter had even pointed out that I did EVERYTHING she asked, even down to getting dressed late in the evenings to go and get her a Blizzard from DQ.

She couldn't believe that I could sit across from her on her couch(from OUR home) and calmly discuss the destruction she had caused. She couldn't believe that the people at our church still held me in high regard, even after she had left! She couldn't believe that most all of her old Christian friends are now there for me if I need them for anything. She just can't believe that I haven't "messed up" yet too!

From your own words, I know that a big part of you would take her back at ANY cost.

I know that the children are NOT being protected from her rantings and irrational behavior. Do you have anything LEGAL that protects these children from her? You can get a temp order of some type until she can be evaluated and parenting time determined...if it's court appointed supervised all the better.

You children are being subjected to the craziest stuff, and I cannot help but think that it is because you want to "play nice" so that reconciliation is still possible. You are still talking terms of R when (given the situation you are in) it should be totally SUSPENDED for now.

Have you been in a true Plan B or merely toyed around with it? Plan B is an all or nothing gig...no in between.

As far as the adoption is concerned, it wouldn't be fair to that child to bring them into this bedlam.

You certainly don't send your children somewhere that prompts you to make sure that they know how to call for help and that they have means to do it. You are NOT taking care of them when you do that. She is NOT to be trusted.


This sounds like a lunatic. Why would you send the kids over there? They could just as easily be found dead in a car with her. She isn't SAFE for them.

Get something LEGAL...and stop with all the R talk. It isn't helping your kids.

JMHO
committed

She's irrational and only responding to input on a basis of what "feels" instead of "what is" or "what is logical."

You cannot reason with irrational people.

It's like peeing into the wind. The wind doesn't care what you're doing, and you end up all wet.

Be still in your Plan B.

Be PROACTIVE in your LIFE. Protect the children and yourself LEGALLY. This protection had a double effect. The first and most important is a safety net for the children and you. The second is that it is a DIRECT CONSEQUENCE of her illogical behavior.

Abandoned, i am glad your wife is not with you now. I fear that not only has your wife NOT hit bottom yet but that YOU have not hit bottom! By this I mean you do not see the truth of what she is!!!

"It just kills me that, I DID WARN her before she left that ALL of this would happen! In fact, that's a HUGE part of the problem!"

This statement you made shows me that YOU STILL THINK OF HER AS A NORMAL CHEATER. And are talking with her and dealing with her as if she was not irrational and abusive which she is.

YOU CANNOT REASON WITH THIS WOMAN!!!

She is NOT A NORMAL CHEATER. SHE IS SELFISH, MEAN, MESSED UP IN THE HEAD, IRRATIONAL, MENTALLY UNSTABLE OR EVEN MENTALLY ILL, ABUSIVE, AND HURTS OTHERS.

This wife has always been this way but you have hid it from outsiders and you have become used to her abusive ways. Please, please, please hit bottom soon and realize the truth.

This TRUTH is that this woman is so selfish and abusive that you may not ever want to take her back and have your family miserable again. She is not just difficult, she is yelligly abusive, hostile, and conniving. She can manipulate her way back into your heart unless you face the unvarnished truth, that she is abuser to the kids and you. and you cannot deal with her in a rational manner. No one can deny this.

I don't understand this.

You've painted her as a nut, who should be committed, and who should be no where near your children, but here you are at her apartment trying to have a rational discussion w/ her.

Why weren't you on your phone to your lawyer getting papers drawn up to keep her away from them?

This may be a DJ but any woman who demands that her husband get out of bed, get dressed, and drive over to DQ to get her a blizzard, is either pregnant or selfish or insane.

And any man who gets her one (unless she is pregnant) is a total wimp.

AW, I see you doing your very best to protect these kids. I see WW using the kids, to feed her own self-image, to mirror her own thoughts and feelings. When they don't she flies into an irrational rage. There is a pattern here, you recognize it, and there are suggestions on dealing with such behaviors. IMHO you are trying your best to do what's best for your kids. They don't need another parent telling them they have no right to feel the way they feel.

To those saying you should force them to more contact, I say the above.

To those saying you should make them have *less* contact (and sometimes this comes from the same ppl it seems!) I would remind them that if this is taken to the next legal step, there may be court-ordered visits. Supervised or no, we've seen even supervised visits can be destructive.

But we've seem sitches where the courts have ordered continued visits with abusive or negligent parents.

I'm not saying don't get the courts involved. Do. But refusing to let the kids see WW at all could also cause problems.

There are no easy answers here, but it's WW who is using the kids, not AW.

Keep strong, AW.

I wondered too about how you went from picking the kids up to being at her apartment? What did you do with the kids while you were there?

Jayne has good points. It is a PROCESS>

It took you until now to start seeing your wife's true personality. You are so used to her being difficult and selfish that you have not really "seen it".

But now after being away from her for a while and having less stress and having less abuse you are just beginning to see that she has long term personality problems.

After many years of marriage to such a person, it would take a while to really SEE it. It is a process.

You will fall back and let the kids be with her, drama and hostility cone out and you see it once again, etc, etc.

You will go round and round and unless you completely close bo5h your eyes to her faults and keep your mouth shut when she raves and yells at you and the kids, you will be protected from taking her back "at any cost"...If you took her back without at least 10 protections in place, legal and otherwise, you would be mentally unstable yourself. And we know you are not. At least we hope you are not!

She's been really close?

really?

ab, either you've not been completely honest here... Have been trying to cast her in the worst possible light, omitting parts of this story, ect...

Or else she really is nutz and you truly don't see how much.

I have given you as much of the story as possible without taking 10 pages to explain every nuance and emotion. I do see that she has lost it now...do I think she was ALWAYS this way...not really. I have seen glimpses and had evidence before now; but, NEVER did I know she was capable of doing or even just SAYING all that she has!

Anyone know any recovered(recovering) alcoholics, how about former drug addicts? All I'm saying in regards to R is that is IS possible for someone to change. I'm not saying she WILL! I'm saying she would HAVE TO, I would HAVE TO see evidence of it...and I would HAVE TO take steps to protect the kids and I from her doing it again!

I'm amazed that some say, "Let the kids take her calls," then turn around and say I shoudl refuse her ANY visitation.

Here's what happened Friday. I let them go ONLY because I knew MIL and Step-FIL would be present! Thank God they were!!!

This week, my daughter is away at camp. My son starts his All-Star tournament. The baby isn't allowed to go anyway by DSS. She WILL NOT see them at all this entire week, in fact, she isn't scheduled to again until next Tuesday evening. IF she sees even my son, it will be at a ballgame...in public! I have thought this through!

Legally, I have already made an appoitment with my attorney...it's Thursday. I will know more then about what I can do in my state. Her mother has agreed to say that, based on what she witnessed Friday night, WW doesn't need to be around the kids unsupervised at all!

And...NO...she hasn't yet hit HER rock bottom. If she had, I would certainly know it by now and might be able to point her in the direction of where to get help...NOT HERE...but real help that is necessary for even R between her and her own children SOMEWHERE down the road!

I think it's this.

It's so hard to really grasp how insane a situation or person is until you step out of the circle of it's influence for a long while, AND THEN look back in.

Which is why I'm advocating a very dark Plan B with legal maneuvering to keep the contact with the kids down until she gets help.

Really, tho AW, every time you see or hear from her, you lose a bit of your drive and perspective.

I understand this because I lived it (to an extent).

Distance yourself so YOUR FAMILY CAN HEAL!

If you are unable to keep the kids from her, then you need to do whatever you can to make their visits w/ her better.

And that would include having the kids reply to some of her texts/calls.

It would also include telling your son topics of conversations he ought to avoid when he's there. And that any attempts he has to educate his mother ought to end.

WW dictates the topics of conversation! As I explained before, I didn't even know at first that they weren't taking her calls or responding to her texts!

MIL says she literally jumped on the kids with both feet immediately Friday afternoon as soon as they arrived!

And...he hasn't attempted to educated her...weeks ago, he told her, "I'm praying for you!" THAT is when this all tuned bad from her end. The last thing she wanted to hear was that she might NEED praying for! Especially that a 12 year old boy might realize it!

Did you tell them that she apologized?

Yes, I did tell them... I also told them that, as Christians, we are to accept her apology!

I do think that they were still too much in shock to digest it.

Also, you would think she would have at least texted them an apology or better, left one on their voicemail. She may not think they will answer or respond, but at least they would have her apology to consider to them personally!

M offering it to me didn't really seem to impress them very much!

Just realized I hadn't responded to one question.

On Friday night, I sent the two girls to WW's sisters with MIL so I could go to the scrimmage. They ended up spending the night.

The request that I come "talk" came during the scrimmage, and my son went home with WW's father...and also ended up spending the night.

I picked all 3 kids up Sat. by 8am...before WW would try and find them and make them go back with her!

BTW, YES, it kills WW to know that even her own family has nothing bad to say about me. She views this as them "taking my side," but I know they're really just on the side of the kids!