Hi Charlotte,

Sorry about the pain you are in...


I agree with you...everybody is different...and our needs and combinations are UNIQUE...

...just travelling on the same road...

Charlotte... I don't believe TIME is enough... do it at your own pace... your own rhythme... but take the TIME to learn about yourself...your needs, your weaknesses, your strengths....

I don't know your story...but I did notice your dates.... what you are feeling is NORMAL given what has happened... you HAVE lost a LOT.....

...it will TURN around for you when you decide and are able to DO something about it!.... but do take your TIME.... be KIND to yourself....

...plans are best to help you give yourself a direction...

...plan B, if nothing else, is a PLAN....you are DOING already something about it..... N/C with WS (very toxic for your health!)... no easy feat...I KNOW!

...but it will pay off...give it time...


Charlotte.... I suggest that you focus on YOU and what you DO to answer some of your needs (I know, first you have to figure out what they are!)....and on TODAY....for relief from the pain and fear.....it comes up more if you focus on the FUTURE.. don't WASTE your time on that..... nobody really ever knows what WILL happen... but can plan for it if you like...by focusing on what you do TODAY... and to what YOU can do/control....

...think of the future as a bunch of TODAY'S..... like bricks that build a wall..... and you build a wall ONE brick at a time!

Hi Rin,

Thanks for the kudos.

Hi CL,

Plan B, N/C with WS, someone who does not have any CONSIDERATION for BS, is a healthy MOVE in the right direction....

....it's FEELING the fear and doing it anyways...

....taking a DEEP breath and jumping in....

....TRUSTING yourself that you CAN do it..come out the other side...STRONGER!

...and yes, partly because others here SAY SO, have DONE IT, are DOING IT!

As I was telling Charlotte in the post above.... I have been putting and am putting one brick/TODAY on top of the other.... trusting myself that this way...if I take care of TODAY....I don't have to WORRY or THINK about building the wall/FUTURE... it WILL get built...!

...guess I'm seeing some the 'results' of my building!

...believe me...it's WORTH the effort...

...it's taking care of ourselves... so we can take care of those we love...

...it's saying: I VALUE MYSELF....ENOUGH...to do it!

Hi Lunamare!!

Thank you. I am not really in pain anymore. It's like I've crested the hill and I'm now walking down the other side. There's nothing he can do to me that's going to make any difference one way or the other.

He has trained himself to hate me and that is that. Me? I decided in December or January, one of the two, that I was going to have to purge him from my soul and that is the line I actively pursued.

Now I do have times once in a while where I start feeling bad for him because of what's going to happen to him and that's something I'll have to be careful about. I talked with Shiny the other day about this for the method I'll use to deal with it when I do have those feelings, though.

I'm not going to be around to see the crash but I know I'll hear about it from the kids, who are still behind me 100%.

Sometimes I have to grin, though, because one of the worst things for me was the way they demonized me so badly. Even OWH's brother said how bad he felt for me when we saw him and OWH at the concert last month. Well, I know he never expected to be whacked so badly by me through Shiny and I have to admit that it IS funny to think about it sometimes. I'm sure they thought I was going to fold and they could tuck me neatly out of the way in a cubbyhole at one of the mental hospitals!

My biggest thing now, though is what to do. I had intended to attend culinary arts school and now I'm leaning in another direction. I may end up doing both, I don't know.

Dancing has been a really great thing in the healing process. If I can hang in there a little longer I can move on to teach, which would be great because I'm not all that interested in competition, I just love to dance!! I'm contemplating doing at least one, though, just to see what it feels like.

The hardest thing, and I've seen it discussed here a lot lately, is the dating thing. I don't even want to stick a toe in that mess! I'm just going to move along and not even think about it. I am not anxious to be with anyone else or have someone special in my life right now. Which is why I recently decided that I'll probably go ahead and keep my ring on even after the divorce is final. It offers at least a small layer of protection. I might change my mind about that but as of now I'm keeping it on. After the symbolism ceremony at the end of it, that is!! LOL!!

Well, I guess I'd better bug out since this is getting so long and I could go on, believe me!!

Thank you again!!

Charlotte

Hi Rin!

Thank you! Yeah, I need to go back and reread all that again sometime. I do remember the first post and it almost astounds me how different it is. Well, it's astounding, but also not astounding, if that makes any sense!

I'll never forget the day the devil tried to stop me from getting to OWH!! And forever I am thankful to everyone here for the cheers and encouragement and the boots to the booty when needed!!

Before MB when I was floundering around trying to figure out something to do but not knowing what and trying not to go crazy so Gray didn't try and have me committed and out of the way; I was deathly afraid of the future and being alone.

Now I am not afraid of the future because there is adventure around every corner, but I am still unsure about what I'm going to do now. I decided not to think about it too hard and pray more and the answer will come.

I think it may have already been beating me about the head but I didn't see it or acknowledge it at first. LOL!!

And if it was a snake....da da da da daaaaaaaaa........

Anyhoo, rock on!!

Charlotte

Wow, Luna,

YOU are AWESOME.

How proud of yourself you must be.

What an example to the rest of us you have become.

How are you today?

{{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi Queenie,

Thanks for dropping by and checking up on me.

In a sense....I, too, AM waiting for the other shoe to drop...

...like...this feeling can't last...it HAS to be...temporary...

...definite signs of it being like a rollercoaster...

...guess this time...I am HANGING on tighter... or getting BETTER at riding rollercoaster...LOL!

Sadly, I think we get better at the roller coaster.

Feelings really don't last, that's why I think they are called feelings because they are temporary. As you have experienced in the beginning they were the most gosh darn awful ones ever experienced, but then over time it changed and in each experience we go through they change again and again.

G-d loves you so much because you are such and inspiration to me and so many others and give me hope that no matter what happens I probably will survive.

I didn't believe that in the beginning, nor did I even want to.

Keep us informed on how you are doing.

Hi Queenie,


I think you are right, Queenie....because inspite of mediation session with WS this week, and inspite of WS picking up and dropping off boys for Father's day brunch...

...I am doing JUST FINE!

...I am glad that I decided and have actually managed NOT to have WS be part of my life... objectively, a BS recognizes this as being unhealthy...but keeping WS out of our lives is much much easier said than done...

...I find that with time...the sadness seems to be replaced by...'contentment'... not the fireworks kind...just the sweet and calm kind... which I can now appreciate A LOT after the shock, chaos and crisis of post-A.....

{{{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad you are doing fine. It's so important for us to heal and recover. It's just different for each one of us.

Had a nice supper with a few friends the other night. It was quite enjoyable...

...but I now realize how important 'protection' is for BS... and how very little it takes to get to a not-so-nice place... emotionally....

...one of the friends related a 'breakup' story that was pretty scary... a divorce that lasted years and years... (a lot of money was at stake and the wife although had 'worked' with husband in building up the business... had a hard time proving the value of her 'input'...she would have been better off as an employee of the business!).... she now has to sell her house within 30 days or risk foreclosure....

Anyways.... two days later that story is still on my mind... and I guess it got me worrying.... trying hard to 'shake it' out of my mind....

... thought sharing this with you all might help...

At this point, I think I KNOW I will be OK.... I am just not looking forward to....say... the next few months... which is waaaaay too long...

Need to get back on focusing on just....TODAY!

Thanks.

Hi Luna,

Looks like you and I are doing the legal dance simultaneously. It will be interesting to see what happens, won't it.

Yes, let's just stay focused on today.

Hi Queenie,

Cross-posting...on your thread...LOL!

uhmmmm....

...having some trouble with staying focused on.... TODAY!

...only thing is...now I know that whatever I am feeling.... it's NORMAL... just need to work it through...

...let's see if putting it out there will do the trick...

what's the problem, kiddo? (I tell myself)...

...my self-doubts... my insecurities... wanting a shoulder to cry on and not having one... wondering if I will ever be able to 'trust' again... or will I be doomed to have a lonely old age... a few other unknowns that have come up with which I have to deal with... the end of the schoolyear for the boys and knowing that the summer is going to feel like it's come and gone...

what else? ...trying to deny that contact with WS, last week and expected meeting next week, even within a 'controlled' setting with mediator, is NOT affecting me...

...my present boss is being replaced in a few months... wonder if I will be OK and adapt to new boss... and how will it be?

...my yard needs attending to and I feel a bit overwhelmed by it...

...feel like I could use a rest...I lie down and am...restless...

...is the answer to be found in my childhood? Why did I choose to marry the person I did?

...and on and on and on....

...am here to try to...break the cycle!

Thanks for listening to me...'cyberfriends'....

....well...decided to take a few minutes to 'catch up' on a few threads....

...and it really helps and am honoured to 'walk this path' along with soooo many courageous, determined, responsible, generous, supportive, loveable individuals...

YOU ARE THE BEST!

Hey Luna,

I'm right here with ya. {{{{{{{{Luna}}}}}}}}

What can I do to help ya tonight?

Take comfort that you are among the BEST. We are in this together.

How can one not be overwhelmed, it's a frickin overwhelming situation with major emotions that are hard to work through.

My sponsor and many AA people say, how do you eat an elephant. One bite at a time. And really that's all we are doing. Only out bites are in days. We just have to bite today.... Chew it up as best as possible, rest and let G-d rejuvenate us.

Hi Queenie,


Thanks.... your 'cyberhug' will do.

...if I am on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride, contact in any form with a WS, even in a 'structured' setting with mediator, it can do that... I know why I am doing it, know that it is temporary...

...I didn't go much into details about the mediation session...but a WS, someone too scared to look himself in the mirror and take responsibility for his choices, needs to 'point fingers'.... and WS certainly did...TRY!... he considered DS17's CHOICE to want to stay with me F/T as...parental alienation on my part....as opposed to wanting to see how he contributed to the breakdown of his R with DS17... (....now that's a long way to go to wanting to see his contribution ie. affairland... to breakdown of M!)

..in fact, I was expecting it to be worse, but compared to D-day and its aftermath... believe it or not, I am HANDLING it much much better... I just need to continue working in the direction that I am....

...and it is helpful to see how some of you deal with this... seeing how so similar WSs are...

...and as I said...I DO KNOW that my feelings are normal... they are spotting 'danger' as they should.... 'buttons' are being pushed...and my 'system' is on the 'alert mode'....as it should be!

...but my emotional and psychological preparation (like, prepare for worst) does create a lot of 'tension' within me....and will need to learn how to better deal with it AFTER the 'encounters'!

...but it's a situation, as the saying goes, 'if it doesn't kill, it will make you stronger'....now THAT'S TRUE!

...and Queenie...thanks for just 'being there'...because I checked your thread.... and know that you are having your own CHALLENGES...

You, too, hang in there...

...see, when you realize and admit that you are 'vulnerable', like you are doing, than you can DO what you need to do to 'protect' yourself... even if it means from...yourself!


(((((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))

...and I guess at this point, I may actually be getting myself 'prepared' for my next mediation session, this coming Friday!

...I just hope I have 'hybernated' enough to have the strength that I need for this series of rounds with WS!

...I try to see it as a bad-tasting medicine that I need to take to get better... an opportunity to face 'triggers' head on hoping that I now have better tools to deal with them...

...and am sooooo glad I have you guys in my court!

((((((((((((((((MB BOARD))))))))))))))

Luna,

Also, think of each encounter as a mini-success. Each time you face the demon, you have success. Each success is a building block of strength and power.

Soon, you will have stepped up so many blocks that you will be towering over WS to where he has to look straight up into the sun to see you.

Reflect back on each encounter and give yourself Goddess Points for each time you hold your ground, for each time you have to look at him, for each second you don't break down, for each time you do what is right.

Then, when all of this is said and done, you add up all of your Goddess points and treat yourself to something very special. Of course, it needs to be Goddess Special.

What would it be for you?

A special dinner out?

A fabulous spa treatment?

A new bedding set?

Focus on something - Have a goal of something more than just suffering through this.

Hi Bugs,

Geesh...thanks for dropping by...and I really appreciate your support and advice!


Oh yesss Bugs....trying to treat and give myself points... before and after...I have come a looong way back from the hell of D-day!.... and I have totally bought into approaching this, and LIFE, with a 'GOODESS' perspective...

...and going into encounters as a...Goddess Warrior!

...day of meeting, no other 'stressors', ONE thing only on the agenda!

...getting prepared mentally and emotionally... and....uhmmm....physically, as in looking HOT, CASUAL, COOL and CLASSY...LOL!

...mentally: focusing on objectives of meetings...(read up on negotiation 'tactics' from seasoned professionals, ie.William Ury of the Harvad Negotiation Project group)

...emotionally: staying 'grounded', speaking my truth and not reacting to WS (again, read up on that, too, and really appreciate Marshall Rosenberg's work on NonViolent Communication)

...AIM: assertiveness without being doormatty or aggressive.

...I will have paid my dues in giving it my all to save this M and family as the offer on the table in the PBL is slowly coming OFF the table...

...thank you again for sharing your experience...I find it extremely helpful!