Its 11pm here so I'm off to bed....I hate this time difference!!

Sleep well Hope...

Remember the mantra..... DARK Plan B.....

DARK PLAN B

I haven't heard anything from WH since last Tuesday...DS15 is still with him and he says he doesn't know when his coming home...
I don't plan to speak to WH...I was wondering wether WH thinks I've moved on and that I don't want him back!
I am going to write a shortened PBL thats not soppy or too emotional ...I don't want to come across as desperate cos I am definitely not...I know I will be fine without him in my life....
I will post it here for comments before I give it to him..

It's always tempting to think that they just don't "understand" our terms for reconciliation. It really isn't that hard. They just need to quit having an affair.

My ex kept writing me letters, and like a dummy, I kept reading them. He went on and on with his excuses, but I kept thinking that with the next letter, he would see the light. He knew all along what he needed to do, but just didn't want to do it.

I would be patient and not write another letter.

Well I'm working the 1pm-5pm shift today yuck!!I had a great time last night at a friends "bar-wetting" party.Her husband,who was a great party person,died exactly 1 year ago at the age of 53 from prostate cancer...she was very strong and kept a brave face.The bar was his idea and it was never completed when he fell ill.
On Thursday evening a friend asked me to go with her as she was meeting an old friend from the UK for dinner.He is a record producer and is in cape town to produce a show called "evolution".He had some friends with him and we had a good evening..he gave us tickets to his show which is next friday ...should be fun!!!

Believer,I'm glad you posted your thoughts cos yesterday I tried to write a letter and my heart just wasn't in it.I didn't mean the words I was writing..
Today I'm feeling very disappointed in him cos of the ripple effect his affair is having in our lives.An affair is the most selfish thing one can do...and WH doesn't see it.
Thank goodness for my family and friends and God who has carried me through this.
I'm scared of losing all respect for him cos then the love goes too.How WH deals with his job loss is going to be the telling sign for me...
I am really tired of his actions affecting my life..

One thing that has always puzzled me and hurt me at times is that WH NEVER asks the kids how I am or how are things at home when they are with him!!!Its as if I don't exist!!!
Why is this...any ideas?Does he really not care?

Are you ASKING your kids this?

In PLAN B, he is not supposed to exist for YOU!

Hope, you have continued to resist the idea of PLAN B.

If you don't believe in it, if you don't want to do it, then DON'T.

It's your choice that I certainly would respect.

Maybe you don't fully understand.

I encourage you to read "Surviving an Affair".

He is having an affair, I know "DUH", but you asked. He is ADDICTED to another woman and is "IN LOVE" with HER. There should be NO EXPECTATION for him to ask about you or to show "CARE" for you at this point. WSes who do that are "cake-eating" and that's NOT GOOD,not to be desired. That's USING the BS for their own selfish needs while maintaining the relationship with the OP.

PLAN B is about TOTALLY REMOVING YOURSELF FROM THIS TRIANGLE.

PLAN B is about having ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with the WS until the WS decides to COMPLETELY END the RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OP..FOR LIFE!!

Mimi don't worry I am in plan B...before I was in plan B he never asked the kids about me either....

Its hard not to think about WH now cos of him losing his job..I am irritated that his actions have an effect on my life...........eg.his job loss,now we will have to sell the house..before this WH had told DS18 we could stay in the house.
Also I have no guarantee of getting maintenance from him cos of no job...I can't put my head in the sand and pretend these won't be problems in my life....I'm feeling particularly down today..

I do understand plan B and staying dark...I have no urge to see or contact him...believe me,I am feeling very angry towards him today..I think cos DS15 is staying with him its making me mad too.I told DS15 this morning to decide what he wants to do and that he cant go on like this I won't put up with it...

I wish I could just cut WH off like a septic limb!!He just infects my life at the moment...

Sounds like you are getting out and doing some fun things. That is very good. Because your life goes on no matter what hubby decides to do.

Affairs hardly ever last and he is nearing the end of the time frame for an infatuation. Just remember, the job loss is putting stress on him and the OW and the affair. The uncertainty should cause lots of LB's and then your son living there will help too.

You need to trust in the process. He won't be able to stay out of a job forever. Right now since he has some money things are not that bleak.

I'm sure he is thinking that you will cave and fund his new venture with the OW. This is a war - prepare yourself for the battle. I would feel better if you contact your attorney. Also you may want to look into working more hours, but your attorney can advise you on that.

Wow, it amazes me what a WS will do, and their illogical thinking...

So if I have this right, he wants to leave you lonely with kids to support, with no more affection or attention from him, AND he wants you to loan him money? This sounds like one of those reckless relatives you groan whenever you see because you know they want something.

I would probably write a very kind, yet honest letter, explaining your situation and the consequences of his choices.

Because of his A and eventual D the children will have a broken home, you are living without a companion, having to work harder to support the household, 1 family becomes 2 families with all their expenses, not to mention the effect it has had on another family in the OP.

And he wants to alienate you from his attention, affection, monetary support, and physical being, but he wants the perks of being married, like to be able to talk with you, see you, ask favors of you whenever he wants.

And according to DS he wants to borrow money to continue to fund a decision you had no part in, like an investor, or like a relative, either way, it's a bad move, and inappropriate of him to ask. A selfish request from a selfish situation.

This moeny, this loan, what will be the outcome? To tie you to each other? Is that what he wants? Perhaps he needs to tie himself to the people he has chosen lately? Hmmmmmmm...

Be as honest as you can, you don't need to say it over the phone, you can write it, but be prepared for it to be shown in court, or waved around whenever he needs proof you don't love him or are a mean...whatever...so speak as plainly, matter-of-factly, and as objectively as you can.

Then say "NO".

StillHere thanks for your post..
It does sound crazy when you put down the facts like that!!
I think WH's thinking is he will make the monthly repayments although the loan is in my name....

Here is an update .....
DS15 had spent about 10 days with WH,DS18 went there on Sunday afternoon while I was at work..They both stayed for supper and then WH brought them home....
I was in the bathroom off my bedroom when DS18 said WH wanted to speak to me..of course I said no...next minute WH was speaking to me through the door!!
He was extremely calm and proceeded to try coerce me to speak to him.I told him repeatedly to "leave my house as I don't want to speak to you"..
WH said all of the following;
This involves OUR future..I said there is no more OUR.
This involves the boys future..
Don't be silly and just talk to me..I said phone my lawyer to which he replied this has nothing to do with lawyers.
Do you want the boys to lose their home cos you are being stubborn?
Do you want the bank to reposses the house?
I only have enough money to pay the morgage till end of july..
I don't have to leave this is my house too..

I was itching to say a thousand things back to him but I
didn't..I told him a few times to leave than I told him to f*** off..couldn't help it.
All the time he was EXTREMELY CALM but I could hear the panic in his voice.This went on for about 15 mins than he left..
I was quite shaken and laid into the kids for allowing him in the house..they said he just came inside....
DS15 was antagnistic towards me from sunday to last night...I had told him on the phone sunday morning to come home or stay at WH forever.

Everything came to a head last night....DS15 had been telling me I must speak to dad...and he was angry at me..
I sat them both down and told them that we were not going to speak about WH and his loan as it is between me and WH.DS18 was ok and went to his room.DS15 had a fit and whilst shouting and crying he punched the fridge,dented it and had bleeding knuckles.He literally crumpled into a heap on the kitchen floor crying that I had to help dad over and over....He was beside himself...at that moment if I had a gun I would have shot WH.
My son was an emotional wreck!
I eventually calmed him down and reassured him that dad would be ok and so would we....
This morning I kept him at home with me as I am working night shift at the moment.He was much better and we had a good talk.He doesn't want to lose his home or have me work full day....he thinks we won't survive without WH..
He has relaxed and we are fine now..thank goodness

He started telling me about his stay with WH and said that he had punched OP's DS16 in the face and bruised his chin cos he was bullying him...WH wasn't there at the time but did nothing when he found out...

I phoned my lawyer this morning and shes on 4 weeks vacational leave!!
DS18 phoned me this afternoon when he got hoe from school and said he was going to WH till Friday as he didn't see him on the weekend!I hate this........
I am going to use this time alone with DS15 to do something special in the afternoons for the next two days....

Oh, my heart broke when I read this. Your son is hurting and trying to fix something that should not concern him. Shame on your husband for using his kids to manipulate the situation!

Stay strong Hope!! Don't back down. Your 15-yr old is a child. He doesn't see the whole picture or recognize the maniuplation that's happening.

(((Hope)))

Oh,WH also said he only had 5 days to close this deal...so that means friday is Dday for him...

This morning I wrote WH a brief letter reminding him of my PBL basically and why I won't speak to him...also reminded him of terms to come home...
I left it with his other mail that the boys would have given him this afternoon.I don't know if this was wrong of me but I made sure I kept it short and to the point...
Fire away!!!I can take it!!!

I am so tired of this cr@p and how its affecting my boys and WH doesn't even know it..

IF you can believe him...

Hang on, I have a feeling the pressure's just going to get worse. Stay dark, dark, dark. I think it was a good move resending the Plan B letter.

Too bad about your attorney being out of town for 4 weeks! Yikes! But on the bright side, that's another good reason... you can't make such a huge financial decision without consulting your attorney.

Princess thanks for your hugs!!!I explained to DS15 this morning why it is better for them not to be involved as they are unable to help as much as they would like to...and he said he would rather not have known now...he said HE asked WH what was going on...I said it didn't matter WH shouldn't have told him.

Its so hard not to bad-mouth WH in front of the boys...They quick to point fingers at me though...I don't take offense I'm just their sounding board I think..

I have now done all I can to try save my marriage and I can live with that...

I couldn't help thinking maybe "it was meant to be" that my lawyer was on leave.

LOL, I thought that too!

Have you had enough of this tripe yet?

A well-placed call from a pastor to your WH would be an appropriate Plan B response to smack him side the head and say "Your antics are hurting the children - she's not going to do anything without her lawyer's ok, so back off and get a job!" Of course he'd leave the epitaph out that I'd add to the end of that sentence!

I'm leaving working (10pm) now so will only be able to log in tomorrow.

I just got home and the Internet is up and running!!
DS15 just did some of my ironing!!something he has NEVER done before...so sweet of him..of course I made a big fuss of him!!

Tomorrow is PAYDAY thank goodness! I think I will take DS15 to the mall after school for a bite to eat.

My good friend who always supports me..commented on how she has been trying to get me to take more action with WH (not following MB rules!)and I wouldn't budge..and stuck to the plan B. She said thank goodness I didn't listen to her cos now I've got him by the b@lls!!LOL
Seriously,I think this site should be made known to all marriage counsillors to help others going through this.

My divorced sister has an EXH who comes around whenever he is fighting with his GF,or he texts her a lot as well.He had an affair 3 years ago and they divorced...the gf was my sisters best friend for 20 years!Now the relationship is so rocky.I explained about her meeting some of his emotional needs and she gets it...she says she'll never take him back.!!

Thanks guys for chatting tonight,I was feeling a bit down today...theres always something that knocks me when I least expect it...but I tell myself to get back up...its not over yet..

now I have to go to bed 11.30pm here!