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Didn't you say you have 30 days.
Put that lower on your "to-do" list, you have other mountains to climb right now.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Yes i still have some time
WH just rang to arrange timing for tmrw
He sounded very sad - kept on asking me if i was ok
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Barf....
So...did you tell him, YES, I'M TERRIFIC! Let that knock him off his rocker.
Brown,
Tell me what you have heard us say. Tell me what you have learned here. Write us what tools you have in your purse (like make up in your make up bag) that you are taking with you to this outing tomorrow.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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I am taking smiley with me :-)
He asked me on the phone what chances have we got to be together again and make it work, and i said 101%
I am going to tell him that i am going to create a new home, and i want him to come there when he is ready to leave her, where we can build a better n stronger marriage filled with love n happiness
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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I am going to tell him that i am going to create a new home, and i want him to come there when he is ready to leave her, where we can build a better n stronger marriage filled with love n happiness My vote is for NO RELATIONSHIP TALK.. Leave THE ABOVE for the LETTER... Ask him how HE'S DOING.. Tell him how much BETTER you are doing..be all light and cheery... DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL... Talk about how YOU'VE learned to CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS... You will be like a LIGHTHOUSE... DO NOT MENTION HER..EVEN ONCE.... FOCUS on YOU..and what YOU have to say... DO NOT FOCUS ON HIM..he will be telling you lots of CRAP... PLAN A..PLAN A..UP TO THE VERY END...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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DING..DING..DING..Princess wins the PRIZE.. Bad, bad idea. You can't FORCE him to feel the same way as you do. I did this EXACT same thing, the old bring out the family pics and cards trick, while my FWH was a wayward. He had no interest in taking "a trip down the good parts of memory lane!" I couldn't believe how cold he was. I'm not saying your husband will be the same, but he is a wayward, right? My husband accused me of trying to manipulate him, which is EXACTLY what I was doing.
I say the only thing you need to bring with you is your Plan B letter. Plan A him up to the time you get ready to leave, NO RELATIONSHIP talk, just pleasant and fun. Then give him your Plan B letter and go really, really dark.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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"He asked me on the phone what chances have we got to be together again and make it work, and i said 101%
I am going to tell him that i am going to create a new home, and i want him to come there when he is ready to leave her, where we can build a better n stronger marriage filled with love n happiness "
I am sorry but this makes me so sad what you are thinking here, Brown. Well, if you have to give this man your very soul when he has hurt you again and again, i guess who are we to say anything. You are like a bunny who rolls over trustingly right before it is killed. This man is terrible to you and you still want him back any way any how. Oyyy. I just cannot bear it anymore. You bending over for this man.
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Brown,
Making yourself less available makes you more attractive. Looking like a woman who is moving on makes you more attractive.
He's fence sitting and loving every minute of it. He's getting OW on the side while stringing you along if it "doesn't work out".
And you're letting him.
If he asks you to do something, it wouldn't hurt to say, "I've made plans with friends, but I can see you on such and such."
Why?
Because it shows you're not sitting at home, waiting for him.
Because it starts to make him think he's losing you.
THAT will motivate him more than "Oh, yes deary, I'll be here for you once you've decided you've had enough with screwing the OW. Please, have your fun. I'll be here when you're done."
That makes you a doormat. Don't let him do this to you. This site offers you plans that work, you just have to have the courage to implement them.
It's hard and counterintuitive, but I can tell you that your approach, which is basically what I did, simply led me to be divorced.
So wake up, dust yourself off, and start appearing like you're moving on.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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This man is terrible to you and you still want him back any way any how. Stella: I'm CONFUSED by your statement here. How is this DIFFERENT than any other WS and BS? I did the PLANS because I continued to love my H and wanted him back..as you say... As a WAYWARD, he treated me HORRIBLY..TERRIBLY.. I had to do PLAN A and PLAN B..have been HAPPILY recovered for almost 5 years... 
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Making yourself less available makes you more attractive. Looking like a woman who is moving on makes you more attractive. Where are you getting this POV? This does not fit with PLAN A according to MBers? She should not be available in PLAN B but in PLAN A, she EVIDENCES her LOVE for her HUSBAND by meeting his primary emotional needs... Any different plan is not recommended for her...ACCORDING TO MBers..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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This man is terrible to you and you still want him back any way any how. Stella: I'm CONFUSED by your statement here. How is this DIFFERENT than any other WS and BS? I did the PLANS because I continued to love my H and wanted him back..as you say... As a WAYWARD, he treated me HORRIBLY..TERRIBLY.. I had to do PLAN A and PLAN B..have been HAPPILY recovered for almost 5 years... Exactly!! My H also was horrible to me while he was a wayward. He did and said things that were beyond belief. I didn't have MB and Browneyes' behavior reminds me so much of the way I was during that time. I was all over the map, pulling out all the stops and trying to manipulate him home. All waywards are awful and cruel! It was only by the grace of God that we made it to recovery. Had I known about the plans of MB, our recovery would have been sooner and a lot smoother.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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This man is terrible to you and you still want him back any way any how. Stella: I'm CONFUSED by your statement here. How is this DIFFERENT than any other WS and BS? I did the PLANS because I continued to love my H and wanted him back..as you say... As a WAYWARD, he treated me HORRIBLY..TERRIBLY.. I had to do PLAN A and PLAN B..have been HAPPILY recovered for almost 5 years... I agree with this as well...... If all BS were to walk away based on the actions of the WS, this place would be useless and Dr. Harley wouldn't have had a career re-building M's. I was treated horribly, terribly, awfully. My kids were treated just as bad (he missed his DD bday to go be with her....  ) yet, here WE are today trying our darnedest to Recover the M. Actually, we are building a whole NEW M. Hardest thing I've ever done, even harder than going through the A itself. Is it worth it???? Jury is still out, but I do know I would never live with myself if I didn't give it all I got. I didn't go through the last 5 months to give up now....... not2fun ps....Mimi, I figured you would be all for Brown going today, IF she could control her emotions and stay away from all A/R/M talk....end her Plan A with a bang.......
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I completely understand the spirit of what pom is saying and it is in alignment with what mimi has told Brown about getting strong.
She may not need to walk away, but she certainly needs to be in Plan B and stop talking to him.
I certainly hope we all agree on that. Don't let Brown get lost in the shuffle here.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Right guys - a very interesting day and after reading your posts i am thoroughly confused.
I Plan A's throughout the morning, but he was just constantly sad. I kept on dodging the relationship talk but he kept on dragging me into it.
It got tearful despite my best efforts, he then kept on pressing all my nerves till i snapped n told him that there is no way in earth he can justify his or her actions. (there was a lot of justification talk)
I told him i am changing my number - n i am going to cut off all contact till he is ready to come back n after he has cut off all contact.
Finally, he just wanted to leave. We calmed down after having a drink. I dropped him half way on the tube. he then suddenly tells me that he lied about not having received the divorce papers. He has had them for weeks n didn't wnat to sign them. He has been trying hard to get her to leave him but she won't budge, threatening suicide. He says that he is mostly there out of pity but there is some love as well. He wants me to slow the divorce process as much as possible. So what now?
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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He has also moved out to a friend's place (but i don't think that will last)
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Did you give him the Plan B letter?
Did you get your new phone?
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Posts: 365
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Yes i got the new phone today
I didn't give the letter bcos i got very confused n wanted to confer with u guys
Married 6 yrs
No children
A started in Dec 07
I found out Feb 08
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Brown, he then suddenly tells me that he lied about not having received the divorce papers. He has had them for weeks n didn't wnat to sign them. He has been trying hard to get her to leave him but she won't budge, threatening suicide. He says that he is mostly there out of pity but there is some love as well. He wants me to slow the divorce process as much as possible. So what now? Right now, do absolutely nothing about the D papers. You haven't signed them either so there should be nothing moving forward on them. You said you had 30 days to withdraw, just move that back down to the bottom of the list right now. Her suicide threats are HIS problem, NOT YOURS! Let that go too. Finish your Plan B letter. What will your requirements for Recovery be? For example: 1) NC with OW 2) IC etc etc etc He KNOWS you love him, he KNOWS you want to be M to him. You have done a good job at your Plan A. Focus on Plan B now. It's the best thing for you and for him.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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a very interesting day and after reading your posts i am thoroughly confused. I don't see why you are THOROUGHLY CONFUSED. I will try to help you out of it, though. It's FAIRLY SIMPLE..you can read about THE PLANS in SURVIVING AN AFFAIR... PLAN A..then PLAN B... What POM was suggesting is not part of the MBers's PLANS..sounds like the DIVORCEBUSTING APPROACH to me which is not recommended by MBers.... I kept on dodging the relationship talk but he kept on dragging me into it. I often don't have much time to post. So my posts may sound blunt and to the point. It doesn't mean that I'm not caring and insensitive. Really. I cried many tears on here while posting on this forum during my H's affair. That being said, we have told you BROWN how STRONG you will have to be to do this. Becoming STRONG is EXACTLY what I had to do and WE have been encouraging that for you. It kills me, really bugs me, makes me sad for you and ALL OF THAT when you come back and sound as if you are SO HELPLESS and PASSIVE. How can he DRAG you into anything? You ALLOWED that to HAPPEN, BROWN! You have to be CONVICTED AND SOLD OUT ON MBERS and what we are telling you. SO RESOLVED about your DETERMINATION that he can't DRAG you into ANYTHING... It got tearful despite my best efforts, he then kept on pressing all my nerves till i snapped n told him that there is no way in earth he can justify his or her actions. (there was a lot of justification talk) Do you feel that you have NO CONTROL over YOURSELF? You did not use your BEST EFFORTS, Brown. I'm sorry. You should have known after all that we've been telling you here that you were MESSING UP..BIG TIME... Didn't a PART of YOU make the CHOICE to do it this way? Didn't you think you could TALK him out of this? I don't think you are buying that this is AN ADDICTION. I'm not sure that you understand it. We keep telling you OVER and OVER again. You keep coming back with this HELPLESSSNESS, Brown, saying "I can't help myself".. If you can't help yourself, WE CAN'T HELP... YOU HAVE GOT TO FIGHT YOUR GUT INSTINCTS.. You've got to learn to CONTROL YOURSELF... I'm not buying that YOU CANNOT... I told him i am changing my number - n i am going to cut off all contact till he is ready to come back n after he has cut off all contact. I'm glad you spoke up for yourself, though... But are you REALLY able to do this... ALL WORDS...what about ACTION..you didn't give him the letter... Finally, he just wanted to leave. Wonder why? In PLAN A, if you buy the use of this PLAN or any of the MBer's PLANS, the GOAL is to BE ATTRACTIVE to your WS... dropped him half way on the tube. he then suddenly tells me that he lied about not having received the divorce papers. He has had them for weeks n didn't wnat to sign them. He has been trying hard to get her to leave him but she won't budge, threatening suicide. He says that he is mostly there out of pity but there is some love as well. He wants me to slow the divorce process as much as possible. So what now? This may be a different point of view than the others but IMO, you need to meet with him AGAIN.. You want to END on a POSITIVE NOTE before going into PLAN B... This was not a GOOD ENDING... You need to be able to carry off a GREAT, ENTERTAINING VISIT or MORE... PLAN A needs to be ended POSITIVELY with a BANG..... This needs to be PLANNED OUT..with you exerting CONTROL OF YOURSELF... If you think that you are INCAPABLE of THAT, then, yes, go into PLAN B...GIVE HIM THE LETTER NOW..but that would not be IDEAL...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mimi, She can't do it. She has already proven that. This may be a different point of view than the others but IMO, you need to meet with him AGAIN..
You want to END on a POSITIVE NOTE before going into PLAN B...
This was not a GOOD ENDING...
You need to be able to carry off a GREAT, ENTERTAINING VISIT or MORE...
PLAN A needs to be ended POSITIVELY with a BANG.....
This needs to be PLANNED OUT..with you exerting CONTROL OF YOURSELF... It makes NO SENSE for her to continue to do what she's already done (insanity definition). I understand that you are telling her to do it different, but you've been telling her that for a month(?) now. She's not you, she's not me.... Don't throw her back into the Lion's den so that it looks a certain way before she can start licking her wounds. No disrespect, but something's got to give. I don't think Dr. Harley would agree that she should stay in this kind of situation. I think I put this in here once before, but I'm doing it again. mtkat:
I agree with tst. There's no hope for your marriage as long as your husband has any contact with his lover/ex-lover. I've not had a chance to read everything on this sting, and I may be missing the point entirely, but I get the impression that his affair is driving you nuts. If he works with her, I can fully understand why.
I recommend plan B primarily to help a betrayed spouse avoid serious physical and mental damage due to the intense amount of stress that infidelity causes. The POJA does not apply in situations where a person's health or safety is at stake, and this is a good example of one of those situations. You must take steps to protect yourself, and that means violating the POJA under these conditions.
Plan A may apply to some extent until you implement plan B. It's always a good idea to have left a positive feeling in an US just before you leave. But you may be too upset to actually achieve it. As he gives you excuses for bad behavior, and lies about his whereabouts, you will not be able to respond appropriately. But once you're separated from your husband and have no contact with him, and have a chance to clear your head, I think you'll find that you can think this entire situation through more logically and unemotionally. In fact, I usually recommend that a BS in your position move to another city or state where you can be surrounded by those who love and care for you. Then, offer your husband the opportunity to move there with you. If he starts a new life with you somewhere else, it would make your recovery much easier. To stay put would make it almost impossible, especially if his lover is close by.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr. People have achieved Recovery using these tools in varying degrees. Affairs are not cookie cutter. No one situation is the same, they have similarities, but they are not the same and should not be treated the same. That would mean that we are all clones of one another without having the ability to speak up and recognize our differences. Brown, PLEASE don't meet with this man again. Can you call Dr. Harley for counseling if you are not learning anything here from us? Is it a financial issue that would stop you from calling him?
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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