What a contradictory and sickening quote.

Let's disect this for a moment ... your H is wonderful ... you don't doubt that ... BUT you doubt your entire M. ???

The OM is NOT an A$$, but pursues M'd women, and he won't SHARE you, but he will TAKE you from another.

He will not sleep with you while you're M'd, but by omission you indicate that YOU would have slept with him while you were M'd.

He WON'T put a time limit on you making a decision, but he WILL manipulate you by cutting off contact until you do decide.

I posted to your BH this morning that due to your serial cheating and gambling addictions, which brought about the familial financial hardships, that he would be wise to move straight to Plan D ... after the above quote from you, I'm confident that advice was correct.

Not sure I agree with your "brush it under the rug" logic here. Nobody insulted Rain in this thread...I only insulted OM. I suppose the first step to recovery in MB is to now support WS's decision's to put OP's on a pedestal, ignore the fact that NC is crucial to recovery, then try to carry on with the rest of the steps? I don't agree whatsoever, and everyone can say "intro isn't a 'vet' all they want".

Rain,

As I reminded your BH, you still have the option of using the ignore feature. It works!

There have been some MB posters that have been willing to step up and work with you, don't throw that away.

The other garbage is not good for anyone involved. Let it go.

Since when are varying opinions "garbage"? Rain has left this thread because her OM was insulted. She cares more about him than she does her M...she's made her choice. She needs to hear BS's opinions...ignorance is not bliss.

ok folks, lets keep this helpful and respectful to Rain instead of critiquing other posters. Please focus on ways to help Rain. We don't want to have to lock another thread.

Thanks, Revera

Okay Rain, so you're out...I want you to realize that this is YOUR CHOICE though...No one here is making you go...No one has that power over you...Your life is a direct result of YOUR CHOICES...

I'm a FWW myself, learning that MY CHOICES were what made my life what it was and now is was a BIG thing for me...I learned that here...I owe this place so much...And you better believe that my foggy butt took some 2x4's upon my arrival here...but I chose to stay and accept the help that was here for my taking...I hope you will too...

Having a mirror held up to you when you are making VERY POOR LIFE CHOICES is NOT fun, but it's what it takes...Adultery is UGLY...There is no way to pretty it up...You can face this and you can change your circumstances, but you must want to, you must CHOOSE to...Are you strong enough to accept that challenge? I'll be here if so...Whaddaya say?

Mrs. W

OOOH!

Good word. Now I have to find 10 ways to use it in a sentence today so I'll remember it.

Rain,

I do concur with the others that OM HAS been behaving in a way that has more to do with selfishness than being a noble trait.

Tell me, would someone who claims to love you emotionally extort (yes, I love that word, too) the person he professes undying devotion towards?

Would someone who loves you encourage you to lie to your spouse for his own gain?

Keep secrets from the person that you VOWED devotion to?

Your OM has.

Logic says that this person DOES NOT have YOUR best interests at heart.

Not at all.

rain, this is what is important:
Can you come up with any situation in which it would be appropriate to start contact with someone who is married, and get to the point where that person now wants to throw away their marriage?

The bottom line is, you have a long history of selfish, hurtful acts that put yourself first and foremost in front of every single person; even your son. Is that love? No, it is selfishness and probably testament to a psychological issue of some sort.

Have you read any of the material here? It is very wise. And true. It says that every time - every time - a person starts into an affair, they start to 'rewrite' their history, to justify their wrong actions. They tell themselves, and eventually everyone else, that they never really had a marriage, that their spouse caused it, that if he would just have done this or said that you wouldn't have been 'pushed' into the other man's arms (or phone or email). It's always about everything else - and never about them. Otherwise, how could they live with themselves.

What that should tell you by now is that the bs you are saying about how your marriage really was never any good - is bs. It is your 'fog' keeping you from realizing, feeling the devastation you have poured upon everyone else, to keep you from collapsing onto the floor in a quivering heap of self-hatred. What you are telling us, your family, OM, your son whenever it comes up (and it will) - is all lies, fabricated to protect your image.

You should be, by now, realizing you'll either have to own up to your failures and get help for it - including a 12-step for gambling - or else doom everyone in your circle to a life of h&ll for having to put up with your continued selfish acts, for the next 50 years, because you are too afraid to honestly look inside your soul and see the emptiness, the selfishness. Most importantly, you are dooming your son to a life of sadness, of failure, even of deceit, as he watches you destroy one thing after another in your lifelong quest for happiness that you will never find.

Because you didn't own up and get intense therapy to stop this madness.

I ADORE YOU, my peachy keen friend!

Rain, did you consider my idea that you have been using addiction replacements for most of your life...the devastation to your BH and family did not stop you from having another A...nor will the gambling addiction truly end (sure can not do it for a long while) just because you've stopped the behavior right now (eight months).

You're actively gambling your marriage, your chance at true redemption...for the only amends you can do for the gambling (same as for the A's) which was also a violation of your vows, is to rebuild with BH...rebuilding financially, emotionall, spiritually and mentally...takes more than an internet board (even a great one like this), more than IC and MC; I believe it takes a group and I strongly suggest Alanon.

I can see yourself rejoicing and feeling deep gratitude for yourself five years from now...with a thriving marriage, knowing a wholeness you haven't experienced before, and in a place of daily clarity from awareness. I can see you. Can you?

LA

Rain was looking for excuses why she doesn't want to get real.

She found her excuses in MEDC and Introvert.

I don't hold them responsible for her choice to leave.

Ditto to you...In fact, "to the moon and back" Kimmy!

Mrs. W

Yep, but they sure made it a lot easier for her to leave. Instead this board should be finding ways to get WS's to stay and trust MB tools and concepts.

Personally, I think some people want her to come back so they can use her as a punching bag. Maybe it makes them feel superior!

Some people claim to be experts on abuse, don't even see what they are doing here is abuse. And I thought no-one deserved to be abused. But I guess I'm wrong. People that are coming here still addicted deserved to be abused. But abusers get off on the abuse and justify it.

Happy day proud people!

S&C

therainisgone, I heartily recommend placing posters on ignore. You are not obligated to give everyone's opinions the same consideration. Think about it: IRL we don't hang around with unpleasant, angry people; we avoid them because they are dangerous. We send spam into the garbage email folder because it's junk. Ignore is how you can do that on MB.

You are getting good advice from a few people here, but I do not think that your husband should make your posting a recovery requirement. At this point in your recovery, and on this forum, that is a huge mistake.

Read the material on the site. There's quite a bit of it, and it's good.

I have one final thought, having read your initial post, in which you said you were "caught between the two". In reality, IMHO, you are caught in a pattern of addiction. The gambling was obviously one manifestation of addictive behavior. Infidelity, whether emotional or physical is another. It's chasing a high. I leave it to you as to whether there are any substances involved as well. You are now in dire financial straits due to gambling. Think of OM as being as dangerous to you as online poker. And as seductive.

But with OM, it's your soul and your family, not just your mortgage, that you are wagering.

There do not need to be substances involved where addictive and compulsive behavior are concerned. Often it is anger, simmering below the surface, that fuels the behavior. So it is not enough to simply stop one addictive behavior, such as gambling. Another addictive behavior can easily crop up in its place. You must dig deeper than that. You must find the source.

Just some thoughts. Back to lurking.

Take care.

PK

P.S. Steadfast and committed - great post, spot-on. I agree with each and every word.

**EDIT**

Rain...I believe God works. Period.

What you're seeing on the board right now will help your marriage. You are choosing to enforce a boundary crossing with a final enforcement...like 0 to 180 in a second.

That's been harmful in your marriage, and will continue. Easier to see on the board.

You have POWER, Rain. You have inherent, undeniable and UNCHANGEABLE power and limits. You have the power, as Kimmy said, to put those on ignore who you are reactive to...that's your responsibility to do so. Only yours, btw. You can't make them anything.

You know this. Those are your limits, too...inherent, undeniable and unchangeable as well. We all have the same power and limits. Our power is what we are responsible for...and our limits are what we cannot be the cause, control or cure of.

So exercising your power to close a door to influence...it's a two-way street. You closed the door of influence from your wonderful BH...and opened the door to OM. Cutting off all contact for six months to sweep the fantasy webs away is healthy. I'm delighted OM agreed to it.

Cut him out of your thoughts, as well, 'k? Do this for yourself, like using the ignore feature...so you can lessen your emotional flooding (reactivity) and leave a lot of room for clarity.

Seems to me you want to decide from clarity and awareness...not emotions. Taking direction from your own emotions seems to continually cause you pain and your pain ripples in your marriage.

You are responsible for your own happiness...only you can give yourself that experience...the rest of the humans on the planet can act from their love...doesn't mean you'll feel loved. They can act from the rules of care, protection, honesty and time...doesn't mean you'll feel happy. You can block your own love deposits, deprive yourself of happiness...by focusing on lack (comparing BH to someone else...when they are incomparable), you will experience it...and miss the incredible abundance that is reality.

I know 'cuz I did this...I'm not saying you're doing anything I didn't do...when you enforce your boundaries around yourself, real soothing takes place instead of false distraction, self-punishment...you actual experience a new life...in your own marriage. Because you make different choices.

That's how we are new every day...we make our choices every day...doesn't change the past...gives us opportunity to amend it; changes our experience today and holding ourselves to our commitment to define and enforce our personal boundaries around ourselves and our half of the marital ones...gives us redemption in the future, the experience of grace and healing (for all that even came before your marriage)...because when we hold ourselves to keeping our commitments, we teach ourselves to not react, but to act.

Which changes everything.

Which is why using the tools MB provides (and the ignore feature is enabled for a healthy reason)...is an act you take for yourself and helps you to accept your limits...and protect your weaknesses (which includes from the weaknesses of others).

LA

I know...it's funny. Nothing like the pot calling the kettle black to clarify things for us "abusers" lol.

God forbid I say something negative about a OM...IN A MARRIAGE BUILDERS FORUM !!!!!!!!

...or is it OM and WW builders forum now?

Gentlemen, please!

For the love of little green apples, would you please take it somewhere else?

Ladies, we are not your husbands...please stop trying to control us.

**EDIT**