rain,

I am really glad to see you're sticking around. You will get some good advice here.

Do you mind if I ask you a question? Assuming i's ok...

What do you want to see happen with your time here on MB (Marraige Builders)?

S&C

He is not fantasy and I am not playing house. As I have said before, this is just as real as real can get.

I only doubted myself and not the marriage until my H told me that I have NEVER met his emotional or physical needs. He says that even on our honeymoon I did not meet his needs. So you tell me, would you doubt your marriage if someone told you that?

Perhaps I can lend a hand in breaking this to you, rain. By fantasy, they mean you have no "responsibilities" with this OM.

Do you have children with OM? No.

Do you own a house or are you in humongous debt with OM? No.

However, you can "play" house when you are with him. All the benefits of your private fantasy without any work! How easy!

Rain, just listen to what these people are saying, please. Leave the fantasy to the Nintendo geeks.

So your response is to continue to not meet his needs?

Why do you not simply START meeting his needs? That would be far easier than tearing apart the family with OM.

You think I don't know that? I am not a spring chicken here. I have been married for almost 15 yrs. I am not stupid. I do not have this "fog" in my head that everyone thinks I do. I am not oblivious to this stuff.

You think that I think life with the OM would be perfect? No way. I don't even want to marry him. I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN - I AM HERE FOR ADVICE ON MY MARRIAGE - NOT FOR SOMEONE TO TELL ME HOW THEY THINK MY LIFE WOULD GO WITH THE OM BECAUSE THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OM.

What karma is getting at, rain...is that although OM is very real...what your image is of him, and your image of what you think a future with him would be like...is a pipe dream. I agree.

Perfect Bob,
I forgot how much i loved that article.

All blessings,
Jerry

Do you think it is possible that your husband said that because you have hurt him? That he is trying to build up a defense against the future hurts you will do to him, so it is easier if he just tells himself you really weren't meant for each other so it won't hurt so bad when you leave the next time?

Another way to look at his statement is that he is trying to tell you that, from day one, you have been looking out only for yourself. That he now recognizes that the confusion he felt was merely his reaction to your selfishness. Maybe you didn't meet his needs on the honeymoon because, during that week you were so wrapped up in your own euphoria of getting to have a honeymoon and all that jazz that you really kind of forgot he was even around. Maybe this is him telling you how your self-absorption has been hurting the marriage from week one.

Are you willing to step back and look at it objectively? Put yourself in his shoes and figure out how to STOP doing those things? H&ll, even if you think you were destined to marry this OM, you'd still be doing the same thing to him, wouldn't you? If you love him, shouldn't you be fixing yourself - for him?

But, the problem is that you say this ^^^^....but in the mean time you've got OM waiting in the wings. You are getting advice on your marriage.....you are chosing to ignore it.

I'd doubt that he was being completely honest.

I'd doubt what I thought I believed he wanted/needed from me.

And that would cause me to find out what it was he wanted/needed.

Did you try to find out what needs you weren't meeting? Or which ones you weren't meeting the way he wanted you to?

I'd also start questioning whether I was too self-absorbed to realize how badly I'd been failing as a wife.

So then why don't you just give it 3 months with your H. Sit down, have a heart to heart. Honestly give it your 100% in meeting his needs. Tell him yours.

In 3 months re-evaluate.

I think that's about the only advice concerning your marriage we can give you here. This is about marriage building, and except in the case of extreme abuse or if you were a betrayed wife whose husband was still cheating now... we advocate keeping the marriage together.

Neither one is the case with you.

So all we can really say is to give your husband and marriage a chance. If and when you decide to do that, we are here, all ears, to help BOTH of you work through issues for that time period. I bet, if you chose to do that, at the end of the 3 months you wouldn't be sorry. Either you would KNOW it wasn't going to work out, and you gave it everything you had (but I don't think that would happen if you TRULY let go and gave it everything), or you would have a better marriage then you've ever had and OM would be a distant memory that you wish you didn't even have.

So-- if you're ready to give the marriage a chance, there's plenty of people here that can help you through your issues as a couple. If you're not, there's not much we can do or say to you!

Oh-- and of course-- in order for that 3 months to even REMOTELY work, you have to cut ALL contact with OM. All of it. None, at all. And if he was even remotely worth his weight in ANYTHING, he'd "wait" for that three months and not bother you. But I'd put my bank account on the fact that after those three months, he'd be off with someone else. And deep inside you probably know that too, which is why these three months with your hubby are hard for you to commit to.

But really, what do you have to lose???

Are you ready, Rain?

Make that leap. You won't be sorry, I PROMISE.

So, what are your H's emotional needs that he claims you aren't meeting? We can help you figure out how to meet them better! I bet someone else has dealt with it around here!!

E.

rain, one of the best things my husband and I learned in recovery was to banish the terms "never" and "always" from our vocabulary when speaking to one another.

Doing so allowed us to be more specific, and less dramatic.

PK

Your secret friendship with OM IS HURTING your marriage and your family.

If there was something that I did or someone I had a friendship with that my husband did not like, it would be ended.

I place my family ABOVE everything else besides God.

Who is most important to you?

Remember, that actions speak louder than words.

As for what your dh told you,

May I suggest a copy of His Needs/Her Needs? Your local library might have a copy. Both of you would gain much from reading it.

Also filling out the EN questions might help you and your dh know where each is lacking.

Once you know what emotional needs are not being met (on both sides), BOTH can begin steps toward meeting their needs.

It is truly a more logical way to go about it, than by guess and by God.

Shoot. Once you fill out the papers, all your homework is done for you...

Meet needs without your heart in it? I think that is why we are both here in the first place. I did not meet his and so he does not meet mine. I could start meeting his needs but if I don't want to then I will start to feel like I have to instead of wanting to. Does that make sense?

Me too.

Where the will goes, the heart will follow.

Do you think it was easy to meet the needs of a man who fathered two children with his adultry?

The will was there. The heart followed behind...but it did catch up eventually.

Actually, not at all. What made either one of you inclined to think that you really knew anyting about each others wants and needs on your honeymoon?

I will simply say this:

The worst sex I had in our M was on our honeymoon...

The best sex we've had in our M is now,,,38 years later.

KWIM.

All blessings,
Jerry

I did not know that in a marriage you had to be responsible for everyone's happiness. I thought it just came natural. I guess I did not know what marriage was about at the age of 19 yrs old. Hello

Rain, please just listen to what people are telling you. As the WS, it is your job to regain your BH's trust. And as a result, you need to start meeting needs first.

If you do not WANT to meet his needs--then, well, save him a lot of heartache. Don't get his hopes up IF (and I say if, just in case you DO want to recover) you do not plan to:

1. Have NC with OM
2. Meet your BH's needs
3. Be completely open and honest to BH
4. Be prepared to see how hurt and angry BH might be