No, it doesn't make sense. Feelings follow actions.

Do the actions, the feelings will come.

Give it a chance, what do you have to lose?

ITS ALWAYS ABOUT THE SEX WITH HIM AND THEN THE EMOTIONAL NEEDS. I AM SICK OF HEARING IT.

I believe that it is a fact that if you do start to meet his needs...even if your heart isn't in it...your mind will soon follow your actions. I think their is a medical/chemical reason for this. Maybe someone here will elaborate this point for me with some more clinical terms.

Rain said:

Meet needs without your heart in it? I think that is why we are both here in the first place. I did not meet his and so he does not meet mine. I could start meeting his needs but if I don't want to then I will start to feel like I have to instead of wanting to. Does that make sense?


It does, Rain. But you also have to realize that at first, you AREN'T going to feel like it. But that feelings follow actions. If you ACT like you are head over heels with hubby, then slowly, those feelings will follow. And, it will influence him... and he'll start acting head over heels, which will make you more head over heels, which will make you want to do more for him, which will make him want to do more for you... you get the drift!

Its kinda like someone that wants to run a marathon. That's their goal. Now, the first time they go out and run a mile, its work, its HARD WORK! And heck, its NOT FUN! But, slowly, then they can go 4 miles, then 5 miles. Then they start LOOKING FORWARD to running, when before 1 mile was torture.

But it all started because they decided to work through that torturous first mile and keep going. And pretty soon they reaped the ultimate benefit, finishing the marathon.

It sounds counterintuitive, but ONE of the two of you is going to have to extend the olive branch and try extra hard tho you aren't feeling it. Or you are stuck in a stalemate.

Again, you won't be sorry. And it will be work at first, not because you feel head over heels in love with him. But it will pay off.... in the form that someday you'll wake up and FEEL head over heels with him.

Guaranteed. You'll see how much he must love you to stay through everything that you've been through. And THAT should mean a lot. That he hasn't just walked away. Because, truthfully, you've given him enough reason to do so...

Go for it Rain!!! YOU WON'T BE SORRY!!

E.

His Needs/Her Needs.

ENQ.

Sex is an emotional need. And a very strong one for most men.

Maybe if he made love to you in a different way-- that expressed his love for you-- you'd enjoy it more?

E.

Both of you...Rain AND Dude!

Why? What do you have against sex?

Those are excuses. I was 18 when I married and knew full well that life wasn't all wine glasses and roses.

You don't have to be responsible for everyone's happiness. But you should not be the reason for their UNhappiness.

More glib responses. Of course that is not what I said, and you know it. But if you agreed with any of us, you'd have to take a look at what you are doing honestly. What I SAID was that if you step back and look at why he said what he did, you will realize it was about YOUR actions. Therefore, you are throwing away a marriage because he reacted to YOUR actions (or lack thereof)?

Tell me, if you knew someone, say a sister, who had the history that you have, had made the decisions you have in your past, would you think that they have the moral compass to be making the correct decision this time? If so, why?

Speaking 2 both you and rain here, and perhaps paraphrasing what LA said (correct me if I have this wrong, LA):

"what you resist, persists."

Her OM is no more, nor any less real, than your W's. Only you have the power 2 remove their influence on YOU (and in 2rn, your own recovery).

-ol' 2long

My apologies in advance to the mods and all those that have encouraged kid gloves but from everything that I have read in both of your threads, Rain, I don't believe that you have any desire what so ever to save your marriage and your family. I believe that you are simply going through the motions to prove to your H and yourself that the M is not worth saving.

It is so sad. Your H deserves better.

God's Blessings,

Say

It is the only place where a man is "allowed" to be intimate.

If society frowned at you for crying and talking about your feelings and the only place left where you could be intimate was in bed w/ your H, wouldn't you want sex alot too?

Thanks 2long. And I plan on recovering...with or without W. But, I feel it's pretty naive to think that the M can recover if OM is around. It is also naive to think that pretending he doesn't exist is going to eliminate him from the problem. I appreciate your post though.

rain,

Your M needs to start somewhere, so let's see where we can start. Are you agreeable to finding a place to start?

S&C

"I did not know that in a marriage you had to be responsible for everyone's happiness. I thought it just came natural. I guess I did not know what marriage was about at the age of 19 yrs old. Hello"

I married a couple of months after my 20th birthday. I was well aware what marriage entailed. I, too, thought though that it would all come naturally because I loved my H and he loved me. We had a very good marriage but we didn't have conflicts because we are both conflict avoiders. That came back to bite us when I had my A after 28 years of marriage. Our communication had become very superficial and was almost dead at the time of my A.

Our MC told us that all marriages need nurturing - it's not about being responsible for everyone's happiness. We can't be responsible for other people's happiness - that comes from within and you get in BIG trouble if you look to others for your happiness.

What "meeting each other's needs" means is protecting and nurturing your marriage. It's not about being responsible for someone else's happiness.

When I came to MB I thought I'd lost my fog. I thought I was well on the way to recovering my marriage but I still had a LONG way to go. I didn't think I was ever going to feel the same way about my H again. I was withdrawing and I still defended the OM, just like you are doing.

The main point of difference with you and me is that I was DESPERATE to recover my marriage, I hung on every single word every single person said, I read every single article on the site. I was willing to try ANYTHING to recover.

Yes, the OM is a "real" person but it really isn't a "real" relationship. I invested the OM with qualities that no human could possess. It suited me to do that - I liked what I saw reflected back to me.

There's still time to have the marriage you want.

Okay, therainisgone - THIS is the post I, personally, was waiting to hear you say.

Now, do you really want help with your Marriage? I know, given what you said (shouted in Caps) that you really think you want help with your marriage, but will you accept an observation from someone you don't know, but who has lived through a 6 year long recovery with a FWS who once was much further "gone" than you are currently?

IF you are, and if your husband is also (he said as much on his own thread), then I can tell you without any doubt that you WILL both recover your marriage AND have a better, stronger, more loving marriage than you had before...much more along the lines of what you both "wanted" but didn't know how to "get there."

Having said that, you need to know that it will take a long time to reach "recovered," but you will both learn many things along the journey.

There IS one stipulation, however. Think about the OM in whatever way you wish (mine thought hers was the smartest, 'bestess', man in the whole world when we took the first shaky, stumbling, steps into recovery when she chose to end her 6 year long affair...in which she had accepted a marriage proposal from him and intended to divorce me for him); BUT there can be NO Contact with the OM, of any kind, save for one final "No Contact Letter." We can talk more about that letter later, but understand this simple point, there is NO "room" in any marriage for any "3rd person" other than God.

And that brings me to the issue of your faith. Do you believe in Jesus Christ? If so, remember that He is the Lord of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration of relationships. If so, we need to talk about your relationship with the Lord, because it must come first before recovery with your husband.

I'll await your responses before posting further.

God bless.

Sexual fulfillment IS one of the most important emotional needs.

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

SF is almost every man's #1 EMOTIONAL need.

LINK TO READ ABOUT EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Rain,

I understand what you're saying. WH thought so too, as did I, while I was in the affair.

Because you are having real feelings. Ergo, feels real.

What happened with your first OM? Was he real? How did you end your A the first time? What did you learn? See a lot of what you knew before you don't know now.

When you were recoverying your marriage after your first A, you did so for reasons which were important to you. You saw your best shot at the path to happiness through your husband and your child in an intact family, is that correct?

If you don't get to the underlying reasons you chose to have an A, you will repeat, persist...because the false intimacies will persist and you won't protect your weaknesses. A gambling addiction makes perfect sense...until it stops working, too...because the pain of not changing becomes greater than changing.

Is that what happened with your first A? Did it die a natural death or did you stop it in its tracks when discovered? After a year, did you still see the OM as real, a viable replacement for your BH, father of your child? Someone you could really have an intimate, wonderful, faithful life with...not knowing him for the years you lived with and knew your BH intimately, if only you hadn't made a covenant with your BH?

LA