SD, I'm so sorry.

I think that you need to brace yourself for a battle. Your wife is involved in an active affair...it's definitely an EA, but it sounds like they may have the intimacy of a PA. If it's not physical already, the weekend trip will clinch that.

Don't tell her about the email but print copies. She'll go further underground. As far as I know there is no way to get text messages...just the numbers that are used to text to and from and even that is dependent on the carrier.

The fact that SHE is talking about legal proceedings doesn't bode well. It means that she is thinking about/planning for D.

I think that you need to EXPOSE and expose it quickly. Do it NOW. You need to read up on exposure...tell her family, her friends, your family, your friends, anyone who would be able to put pressure on this affair to end. Tell everyone that you love your wife and you want to save your marriage. If they can help in any way, ask them to help you.

Keep your flight. Tell her you are coming. Tell her that you know about OM and that you need to talk with her. Tell her that you love her and want to save your M.

She will probably tell you not to come. She will be angry at you for exposing the A. But you need to talk to her in person. It doesn't matter if OM is coming. She needs to talk with you and if she refuses then you need to decide if you are going to fight for her and start Plan A or end it with Plan D.

This is a long road. She is in an addiction and she will see everything you do as evil because you are trying to take her addiction away. But you are fighting for your M.

That's a good question...

At this point, I'm wondering the same thing.

I am young, and honestly feel that I'm an excellent person. My friend asked me why I'm going through all of this, when there are likely lots of beautiful women willing to be faithful to me out there, looking for someone like me.

I guess I always felt that when I got married, it would be forever. I really don't feel like if I were to just give up and let her do whatever she needs to do, that I could live with myself later. I will always question why I didn't do whatever I could for something that was important to me.

She told me last night, our marriage is just a piece of paper, she really couldn't care less... Unfortunately for her, I'm not going to give up that easily.

I think too that part of the reason why I'm doing this is for her... I'm not an expert, but from what I've read, it seems like she has lots of emotional problems to deal with. She says she's happy, but I don't believe it. I know she has strong moral convictions, and right now, she's going against a lot of what she's ever believed in.

She once told me that she had an affair with a married man (this was when we first started dating), and that she broke down and cried and prayed to god for what she did. She was active in church after that... but somewhere along the way, quit attending. I was always under the impression that she was at peace with what she did, and she explained that she feels that marriage is very important to her, and that she'd never want to be the one being cheated on. She explained to me more than one occasion, that if she ever caught me cheating, she'd cut my b@77$ off.

I think she's lost herself, and everything that's important to her. I guess I feel that as her husband, it's my job right now to help her find herself, and make herself a better person. This is an unfortunate way to do it, but I believe the outcome will help her to realize what she's doing, and maybe realize that she does need help.

It's hard, and I don't know at what point I accept what I learn... I value sex very highly in regards to relationships... I don't think that she does as much as I do (obviously)... but I don't know if I can handle to find out if she had sex with someone else while we were married.... That to me will be the hardest thing to overcome (if at all) and may be a dealbreaker for me.

The only joint property we have is our house (which at this point she has abandoned) - I couldn't care less about the house. The only other thing we have are our dogs, who are like our children, but again, at this point, they are of no importance to her (she says she wants to get a new dog).

I was able to get TM records online with Nextel, with their premium text service. I am not aware of any other cell service that has that capability.

I think this is a plan to fail. Because you CANNOT CHANGE another person. Not your wife, not your child, no one.... only YOU.

And you can only "help" a person who is coming to you and asking for your help.

You are not responsible for your wife. Only YOU.

Your wife needs to encounter the penalties, ramifications, and consequences of her own actions. If she changes as a result, for the better, and you wish to reconcile with her, you can go about that process then....after she decides to honor her vows she made to you.


Oh, my friend, don't bet on it.... it will probably only make her mad and resentful of you for "keeping her from happiness".

This is like trying to cure an alcoholic by pouring the booze down the toilet.... doesn't work....they only find more, or drink rubbing alcohol....


Why are you making excuses for her? Why don't you call it what it is? It is ADULTERY. It is motivated by SIN and SELFISHNESS.

And why do you blame yourself for it? She, admittedly, cheated in her previous marriage, too.... whose fault was it then? Her former husband's?

See, she hasn't "lost" anything... she just NEVER HAD it....any integrity, that is....

Your intercepted email tells THE WHOLE STORY. She is only worried about being caught.... not about what she is doing TO YOU....or whether those actions are right before God....

Her statement that "if you cheat on me I'll cut your ba!!s off" - is a perfect indicator that she KNOWS HOW ADULTERY HURTS ....
but, she obviously doesn't care about you....

I agree that you cannot go into this thinking that YOU will change her. She has to come to a point where she WANTS to CHANGE.

With that said, you have every right to believe in marriage and to fight for yours. Your wife is no different than any other WS and your recovery is just as possible as any of ours. She is not a bad person, she is making bad choices. It is not an excuse for her behavior.

If you want to save your marriage, follow MB and there is a chance. If you want to believe what some are saying...that she isn't worth it...then file for divorce and move on. Only you can answer the question whether or not you feel it is worth fighting for. But just because she cheated doesn't mean she isn't capable of a wonderful marriage with you.

HTM

Sun Devil,

You've already busted her. Who cares if he tips her off and she bails? At least he doesn't get to spend the weekend with him. Trust me, stop this rendezvous BEFORE it happens.

You need to be calm and in control. Don't be afraid to lose her or back down. Call her up and tell her that you are going to take step to improve you marriage, but she needs to act like a married person as long as she is still married to you whether or not she feels your marriage is just a piece of paper. If she takes that attitude, that is when you expose.

Trust me, your marriage can survive her anger, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Once there is NC w/ OM, you are meeting her needs and avoiding love-busters, and you live in the same location, it will take several months before she'll want to be married to you again.

Trust me, I've been through the exact same thing. I wish I wouldn't have let OM and my WW meet up. That just made things worse for my situation. My WW wanted nothing to do with me for about 4 months, but after 4 months of NC, she started working on the marriage again and wanted to stay married. Your WW is just REVISING HISTORY to justify her current actions. Don't fall for it, and don't listen to a single thing that comes out of her mouth right now. She is an ADDICT that will say anything and try and manipulate you to get her FIX of OM. She will kick and scream if you try and prevent her from doing so. Just stay strong and don't let her manipulate you.

Also, make sure you have her forgot password question, so if she changes it, you can change it back. When you are at your WW's place, put a spy program on her computer so you can continue to monitor her communications (like secret email accounts). SpectorPro is a good brand of software.

She wasn't in a previous marriage. She was the OW with a co-worker of hers (her boss at the time).

I agree with what you said, I can't help her, she has to help herself... but I want to be there for her when she decides she needs the help. If I don't intervene, she won't realize that she needs help. No one else is going to intervene at this point.

I don't blame myself for her waywardness... I blame the situation of our marriage. It was not great and happy, and I understand why she's galavanting around right now. I realize the marriage needs work, from both of us. It is her decision to be an adulterer.

Can SpectorPro be accessed remotely? She lives 1500 miles away. It MAY be possible to get on her computer to install something, but if I need to be there to get any useful info off of it, then it doesn't do me much good (at this point).

tfkeel - are you certain about this?

What is the point in "parenting" a child?

What truth is there in "train up a child...?"

What point is there in having "rules" or "boundaries?"

Have you considered whether or not Jesus' teaching about "church discipline" steps are true or not?

What point is there in helping someone to heal, even if it is met with resistance or hurts for a bit, when the desired outcome is healing and health?

There is a difference between responsibility for one's actions and coming alongside someone to help them even if it's "tough" to do so.

I should have qualified this as "adult child". There is, of course, every good reason to instruct, protect, and live a good example before your young children. That IS the responsibility of a parent. However, that responsibility is over when the child reaches adulthood.

However, I stand by my statement that you cannot CHANGE even a young child. They have a will of their own, and must decide to obey of their own volition.

Jesus' teaching of Matthew 18 tells us to 1) confront alone;
2) confront with two witnesses; 3) carry the matter to the church; 4) excommunicate.

And, I think that THESE ACTIONS as specified by our Lord are entirely proper and in order in some of the cases I read about here, however, in this case, this woman is not submitted to any church discipline, it is highly doubtful that she is a christian at all, and the fact that some witnesses from a church would come and speak to her, or an entire church of them, or that she was thrown out of a church, I am thinking, to her, would be wholly inconsequential.

Any woman who, firstly, has an affair with a married man in disrespect of his wife and his marriage, then now has an affair with a younger man in disrespect of her marriage, couldn't care less about Jesus, the church, her husband, or the Maharini of Gorotizglazh....she is entirely and completely SELF-ABSORBED.

SHE is her god.

I think the OP is completely blind to her, because he makes the statement that she has "strong moral values".... I would 100% disagree with that statement. Her morals are excruciatingly loose, in my book.

I would respectfully agree.

Salvation does not exits for those who refuse to repent.

Their choices will condemn them in the end.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Deep down, I believe her morals are strong. I've seen her every night (neigh for the past few weeks) kneel beside our bed and pray to God. Then, she reads a few verses from the bible. The ironic (?) thing is that she's caught up in this mess on the sinner's side of the tale. I on the other hand believe in God, but don't kneel and pray (I will start tonight) and I am caught up in a somewhat innocent bystander point of view. I will continue to admit, she's responsible for straying, but I'm partially responsible for letting my marriage get to this point - she needs to share equal blame in that regard.

Unfortunately, you are correct in her assessment that she is self-absorbed. That is where the majority of the problem is. She is not empathetic towards anyone right now. I've seen her display empathy towards others. She is a very friendly amicable person, and has many friends. She has a great personality... However, she has a dark side as well, which is clearly making its presence shown now.

I do not believe people are fully evil, or pure goodness all of the time. Everyone has their own yin and yang, when things are balanced, we are balanced. However, sometimes things get skewed to one side for whatever reason.

IMHO, she has a chemical imbalance right now, and it's making her do crazy things. Things she probably never imagined she would partake in. I think she's lonely inside, and needs constant support, and reassurance on things. She's almost in a manic depressive state right now. One minute, she will send me a text message saying how great things are going (how she had a good workout this afternoon) and the next, she's angry and upset at me (she wanted to let me know she was getting her own cell phone account that won't be "policed").

Call it what you will. But, this is my wife, and I need to stand up for her as necessary and protect her best interests where needed, because she's clearly not looking out for herself. I'm starting to realize how this sort of thing is an addiction. I am beginning to see the patterns. Her only support right now where she is are friends of hers that she has known for only a period of 3 weeks... One of which (at least) I have a feeling has problems of her own.

Honestly, it doesn't surprise me as she has a history of addiction in her family.

Google e-blaster. In 5 minutes on her computer you can have everything sent to your e-mail address. For around $150

I'm with Jim.

Though the airplane ride next to unknowing OM is a BH dream scenario, it likely won't stop them from being together even upon confrontation. They will have SOOOO much invested in seeing each other built up that the you will surely be blown off as the pyscho-jealous possessive husband. I agree with Jim, you've got to put a stop to it BEFORE OM goes and, hopefully, without giving up your source. You don't have to PROVE you know anything. The truth is the truth. In fact, give them an indication that you have a secret informant...that will make them more suspicious and uptight. Nothing OM's fear more than a ticked off BH. When he finds out you booked the seat right next to him he's going to speculate he ALMOST got his butt handed to him. I don't promote physical confrontation but I do promote the impression of such. Makes OM's run.

Besides...are you going to sit around for the next 7 days hitting refresh on her email account? THAT's unhealthy. No kids...you've got enough documentation to prove it to yourself...so expose NOW. Bust them NOW. Maybe indicate you are coming out to see her on July 3rd and booked a flight at xxxpm (which just coincidentally is OM's flight) so OM has to cancel or sit next to you.

Just maybe you expose but keep quiet about coming out until the last second. Possibly confront OM in the airport before the flight so he DOESN'T get on the plane. (If you fail to recognize him...you've got his cell phone...when waiting you can CALL HIM...talk and then walk over to him and freak the crap out of him). If it's the last flight of the day to that destination then he's screwed getting there that night and either he'll bag the whole trip (because YOU got on the plane out there) or he'll come the next day and you'll at least get one night with your wife. Either way...huge monkey wrench. Young OM didn't sign up for this and should bolt.

I don't know exactly what you should do...hash out a better plan is what I'm saying cause your WW WILL choose OM over you and you'll just be stuck there.

Mr. Wondering

never mind.

OMG I love this idea!

It will freak him out so much that even if he gets on that plane or another one, it will keep him looking over his shoulder the rest of the weekend. And probably for months afterwards!

Oh, please do this!

IF you were to consider this plan you must wait until the plane is nearly boarding as he will undoubtedly call WW immediately and she will insist he get on that plane. Denying her her crack pipe when she's so close to getting it will INFURIATE her.

THAT is the flaw in the plan. The desire for the adultery fix from both sides may result in you both ending up on the same plane anyway (though I can't imagine many OM's KNOWINGLY stepping foot on THAT plane).

Upside...OM will likely disappoint WW immensely by most likely chickening out.

Mr. Wondering

I could use SpoofCard to appear as though I'm calling from her cell phone number too, that would really freak him out.

If he gets on the plane, it will be a long ride, since my seat is right across the aisle from his.

Also, I worry so much about airplane security these days... what if he does something irrational, and says I was talking about terrorism or something?

Also, today I used PeopleFinders to find his parents and his brothers information. At least now I have some contacts on his side should I need them.

SD, I believe Spector Pro can be installed to send you email reports or to be remotely accessed. e=Blaster I know can be set up for remote monitoring.

Realtime-Spy can be remotely installed without having to physically access the PC.

If you do install a spy program, be sure to find and run the anti-spyware program she uses to make sure it does not find and fix the "problem" for her. In most anti-spyware programs they can be set to ignore a specific program.

BTW, I've been reading your thread all day. And my recommendation to to do anything you can to prevent the meeting from taking place at all. If that means calling OM ahead of time and telling him you are on your way to visit your wife and he had better stay home, or letting him know at the airport, don't even wait for him to get on the plane to disclose your presence. As good as it might feel to bust them together at the destination, the likelihood of you coming out the winner in such a showdown is smaller than it is worth, IMO. Just keep them apart. It will serve you better in the long run. You really don't need the drama of a loud confrontation in an airline terminal and what would you actually do if she decided to leave the airport with him and leave you standing there?

Mark

Yes, SpectorPro and other spyware can be accessed remotely as it send email updates from what it captures. Just read up on it before you install it. All you have to do is install it and disable your anti-spyware or antivirus program from removing it. Once you install it, you anti-virus/spyware program should pick it up. Just click okay to allow that program to do its work.

I totally agree with Mr. W. Your WW will choose OM over you if you both show up. Don't allow it to happen. Break up their plans earlier. You are going to be kicking yourself for dropping $300 on a plan ticket to keep OM and your WW from consummating their affair that weekend, only for them to run off and consummate it anyway while you are left by your lonesome for the weekend just cause you wanted to catch them redhanded and so your WW wouldn't get pissed at you ahead of time. It's not worth it.