Well, crud...

I'm going 2 try just one more time 2 appeal 2 some reason here.

The uggestions you've been given here, SD, 2 have a high-drama, protracted, in-your-face confrontation with the OM and your W are INSANE.

July 3rd is next Thursday. That's just under a week. A lot can happen in a week. You can do a lot in a week.

I think that if you take most of what catperson has listed above and apply it RIGHT NOW, or in the next day or 2, you'll be in a better position 2 move forward with or without your wife of 18 months whom you have no kids with and who has already left you.

You should blow the affair apart sooner rather than later. And you should avoid personal confrontations with complete unknowns - the OM in this case. You have no idea how he'll react 2 a confrontation, or even whether you can control yourself in person.

You want him NOT 2 interfere any further in your marriage. You don't want 2 invite him in.

In all probability, if you do the PI and family-member exposure well before the flight time, the OM will get cold feet and not go. Your W will likely be livid with you no matter what you do or when you do it (unless you do nothing), so why not save yourself the airfare and confront/expose now?

It's also possible that your W will go ahead and escalate her affair no matter what you do or when you do it. You still have 2 decide whether it's worth the hard work it is going 2 take 2 save this marriage, and weigh that against the alternative of cutting your losses. I.e., you're young, you have few marital assets, you've been married a short time, and you have no kids.

If you insist on choreographing a high-drama script with players who may or may not follow your fantasy, just say so and I'll stay off your thread from now on.

Because it might go well, but it might go very badly. But mostly, it's completely UNNECESSARY.

-ol' 2long

SD,
Listen to Jim. Do everything you can to keep OM off of that plane. If you wait to surprise them when you get off of the plane, there’s a good chance that she’ll be furious with you and storm off without you. She will then just hook up with the OM later and you’ll never find them.

If it were me, I would send certified letters exposing this affair to his family and her family immediately and include copies of the emails to verify your claims. I would also send a letter to OM and let him know that the gig is up and you knwo about the affai. Tell him that you intend to fight for your marriage and that he needs to stay away from YOUR WIFE. It may not stop him, but it may scare him off, you never know. I would then change flights and go down the day before. I would then go to WW’s apartment while she is home and call OM from outside. Tell him again of your intent to save your marriage and that he needs to leave your wife alone. Let him know that you know about there scheduled rendezvous and that you are standing at her door as you speak and that if he’s coming down to see your wife that he may as well stay home because you plan to be with her 24/7 all weekend. Then knock on her door before he has a chance to call and warn her.

Do not confront him at the airport or on the plane. You never know how he will respond and the last thing you need is for things to get out of hand and you end up spending your weekend in jail or injured. This may sound strange for those who have kept up with my story, but it would be best to skip the dramatics and focus on your wife. She will be angry and it will all be directed at you. Just be calm and firm in your stance that you plan to fight for your marriage and that includes removing third parties from this relationship at any cost. If she tries to make you feel guilty for ruining her plans remind her that you are her HUSBAND and that your marriage takes precedent over any other relationships. Then do whatever it takes to end this separation. You can not build a relationship if you are living individual lives 1500 miles apart.

This has already been done... I found the OM's parents info on PeopleFinders. I also have OM's father's e-mail address, as OM recently sent WW a forwarded e-mail that came from OM's father. I know that OM's mother works for a local school district, but I don't know anymore about her other than her name. I also know that OM has a younger brother.

For whoever asked about what state I'm in, it's Michigan. I realize that proof of a sexual affair is a felony in Michigan, but I don't know what proof is needed, or how often that law is enforced. Having a felony on her record will ruin her career as she is currently employed in law enforcement.

While I haven't talked to the Harleys, I may consider that. I did contact Penny Tupy as I read a lot of her advice on another site. She told me to get on the plane, and confront them at the destination (TX) with the e-mail proof of what's going on (although, I am questioning exposing the e-mail at this point). She felt that the 26YO OM would likely high tail it out of there once he realized what I knew. If they ran off together, I assume the next step is exposing them to all of our family and friends (OM's family as well). From what I can tell OM's mother and father are still married. I believe OM's parents would be a bigger influence on the situation than her parents.

I thought about getting WW's best friend involved. She lives in OH. I know how strongly she feels about cheating and affairs. I don't know if she would believe me. I would have to expose the e-mails to her to get her to believe me.

WW has told me she is getting a new cell phone number. Our current cell plan is under her name, and she is close to racking up serious minutes due to this affair. She cannot afford to pay the bill, and I told her that I will not pay for the overage minutes because I specifically asked her to quit speaking with OM.

The scheduled rendezvous isn't this weekend, it is next weekend... I still have a week to figure out what to do...

Thanks again for all of the replies... This is a really hard decision for me.

SD

runnerboy gave you a great idea. Fly down a day early unanounced, expose everyone just before around the corner before you reach WW's door, then go see your wife and wait for her phone to ring.

It's best to follow RB and others that have said keep the OM away from their meeting happening. The best way to do that is to expose a day before the OM is to get on he plane.

Once he is on the plane he will think I am here so I might as well try to hook up with WW.

If you can keep him off the plane by exposing your WW can still storm off on you but not with the OM.

Yeah, I think that's the best, too. Just go ahead and do it now, or the day before he gets on the plane, like RB says. Get your evidence and expose. At this point, it doesn't matter if she knows you know about the email or not. The only reason for continuing to read her emails at this point is for a sick desire to know the gory details. Go ahead and play your hand.

As an attorney in Michigan I can tell you that Michigan DOES NOT prosecute adultery at all. This is not to mention that it doesn't sound as though adultery has happened within this state either. Texas maybe. Don't know Texas law but I don't recall it being a alienation state (though they do still have the "he needed killin' defense...jk, lol).

My wife, Mrs. W, brought up a good point. Interventions work better when done by ambush. Otherwise addicts figure out a way around everything. They WON'T likely cancel the trip but spend the few days before the trip gaslighting you and finding a way to make the OM's trip possible even IF you come anyway. You could expose to OM's parents and everyone else up front without saying anything about the trip at all and still have the opportunity to thwart the trip with the confrontation in the airport. [I considered a phone or in person confrontation that day BEFORE OM even heads to the airport but that still gives them time for a work around]. At least in an airport there is security and zero risk of weapons so a last minute confrontation with the hopes of dashing the trip MAY be the best chance of actually stopping the trip, freaking out OM and getting him to back off. They will have NO IDEA how you got your information and the inate OM fear, suspicion and guilt MAY get OM to back off. OM's HATE confrontation and exposure. Especially single OM's who don't need the hassle for a piece of tail. They have other options with less headache.

I don't think this is crazy at all. It takes GUTS to stand up for yourself in this manner and YOU will be able to look yourself in the mirror in the end no matter what happens. I think it's damaging to tell a BH to fear a confrontation....OM should be fearful....not BH. Sure crap CAN happen but I vote for the BH standing up for himself and his marriage. Trust in God...He is on the side of the righteous. Further...if and when your wife ever comes out of the fog...she'll respect you for it too.

I also think that without kids involved a dramatic and quick end to the affair is the only conceivable chance this couple has. A protracted Plan A from 1500 miles away just isn't possible.

SD...my email is listed below. Please email me.

Mr. Wondering

I would recommend contacting the parents right away. Tell them that their son is involved with a 36yo married woman, and planning to visit her in the next couple of weeks. Let them know that you love your wife and want to save your marriage, and ask them to use any influence they have with OM to steer him away from your wife.

The showing up a day early is also a good idea. Or even earlier the same day.

Excellent points. I agree that it's disappointing to see BH encouraged to NOT act, out of fear. Yes of course there could be risks (not likely as most OM are cowards), but for those who think some of us are getting bloodthirsty thrills vicariously, let me explain that the reason I agreed with "confronting on the plane" was because that is the SAFEST imaginable place for confrontation. As someone mentioned before, the OM is forced to endure hours of humiliation without being able to physically retaliate. (Unless he wants arrested which would be great.)

One of the main MB principles is to take away the glamour of adultery, to "turn the lights on in the crackhouse" as one of our vets so succintly puts it. So here's the perfect opportunity. After this little plane trip, OM will not feel so glamorous and excited, I'd be willing to bet.

Seriously, how many people here wish they had been handed the chance to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that PA was about to occur BEFORE it actually does (thus saving weeks of wasted time of the WS arguing "just friends"), and then as an added bonus, also to be able to confront in a safe environment?!

You have an excellent chance to kill an affair here. No it's not guaranteed to work, but you can know you gave it your best efforts.

And I agree with those telling you NOT to give up your sources. Do NOT slip and mention your access to email; let them think someone's been hired to follow them. That should mess with their fantasies also. You can make this NO FUN for them.

FWIW,

I'm not afraid of confronting him. I'm quite an intimidating character (6'3" 245 lbs). From the pictures I've seen on this guy's MySpace page, I don't think there's anything to worry about from a physical standpoint.

I've been rehearsing what I will say to him. This is what will help me keep my cool, and keep any situation (hopefully) from escalating on my end. I can't say how he will react.

I think exposing OM on the plane is safe. It would be pretty humiliating to "accidentally" drop the picture of himself that he sent to my WW and ask him if he could pick it up for me. The look on his face would be priceless, and I'm sure it would be a most uncomfortable situation for him.

Mr. Wondering, I have sent you an e-mail

FOR THE RECORD:

I did NOT suggest that SD should do ANYTHING out of fear!

What I think is nuts in this case is encouraging this rendezvous 2 occur just 2 make a scene that might not work out the way SD hopes it will.

Confronting the OP is seldom recommended when strategic and timely exposure will suffice. I guess I'm surprised that Penny would recommend it in this case. But she may have her reasons.

Confrontation was recommended in J.R.'s case by SH several years ago, but his W was still living with him at the time and the OM wasn't far away. It went "well", in that nobody wound up in jail and the "conversation" was civil, but it had absolutely no influence on the players at all. J.R. is now divorced (and happily so, last I heard).

Edited 2 add: I'm out. Good luck.
-ol' 2long

SD,

As I mentioned on JFO.

I beleive contronting him now, giving him a week to soak will/would be more efficetive then catching them together at desination.

Send you WW your flight confirmation/intinerary.

Call him, with no threats explain your position and intentions. Then let him know if he continues as planned, "maybe we can all carpool" next weekend.

You WW might even call it off to "protect him" as sick as that is...

I see the opportunity you have with flying with him. I just don't believe it will be very helpful in stopping the "weekend meeting".

-JKT

Too funny! But then again, this would be letting one of your resources go... she would know you were accessing her email.

So,

Should I deside to expose the affair, how do I expose without exposing how I got my information, and without appearing like a crazy psycho husband? I'm assuming if I contact OM's parents, friends, family, that I need to provide proof (i.e. e-mails) of their affair, correct?

That closes my windows... especially now that WW has a new cell phone.

So, I expose, then what? Still see my wife on July 3rd weekend? What if she doesn't want anything to do with me while I'm down there? Do I just come home, camp out on her front lawn, until she calls the cops on me for harassment?

Never reveal your sources. At this time I am not at liberty to expose.

No, not really. That's the beauty of you doing your exposure FIRST, she doesn't get to preempt you and make you out to be a looneytoons. Have you read about HOW to expose? It's not done in the spirit of vengence or "telling on her", it's done as a matter of FACT and then asking for their help in saving your marriage using whatever influence they may have. That's why you don't broadcast it to the whole world, just the ones that may have an impact.

If it went as far as divorce, then yes, you'd need the proof, but this early on, never reveal your sources.

So far, I think the biggest influences on this situation are:

Her best friend from OH...

Her aunt in Los Angeles...

OM's mother, and father...

Anyone else? How about her ex-boss where these two met?

I've read about exposing, but I guess not how to expose, where can I read up on that?

Also,

I am getting a lot of text messages from her saying that it's over, and that she wants a divorce, and the like.

I keep telling her that I am committed to our relationship, and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to work out the problems in our relationship. I sound like a broken record I'm sure.

She is telling me to move on... she is telling me to go file for divorce... she hasn't said that she is going to file for divorce. She wanted to know why all this negativity was worth it to me. I keep telling her that I am not willing to give up on this marriage, and that I am fighting for her and our marriage to survive.

She's getting the point, but I don't know what else to tell her right now.

I'm sure she needs more from me, but I'm not sure what I can do to build her up, or if I should state things differently.

I can see how this all works... I am committed... when OM doesn't show up (hopefully) she realizes what a waste of time he was, correct? Although, it will likely be difficult to keep her away from future OM.

She is pushing you to say the magic words: I want a divorce.

That way, she is free to enjoy her wild and crazy weekend with a 'clear' conscience.

I realize she won't change her mind overnight...

But what triggers the mind change?

I realize every situation is different as well... Just trying to get some inside...

I'm sure the info is out there somewhere on this site... I'm just doing so much reading, I can't absorb everything right away.

I'm looking up some relevant posts for you and will post them as I find them:

Here's an excellent post by Pepperband about secrecy v. privacy.

“You’ve invaded my privacy” the wayward spouse says! “How could you read my email? How dare you look at my cell phone records. I’ll never be able to trust you again”.

[They] won’t be able to trust [You]!

On one level….it’s laughable WS babble. On the other hand, the BS often does feel guilt and regret about having to snoop. The WS uses those feelings to their advantage. But you haven’t invaded their privacy.

You’ve invaded their secrecy

And they don’t like it.

Married people are entitled to privacy....but not, but not secrecy.

The true concept of privacy never implies keeping secrets. In fact, just the opposite is true. What is divinely inspired and ripens in privacy, is later always opened up and shared with others. It is never meant to be hidden. Only dishonesty, lies, negative intentionality and destructiveness of one sort or another, need to be hidden from others. Nothing that is true and beautiful needs to be kept secret. Not ever.

The wayward spouse uses a simple truth: that we all need some privacy and creates real evil by using truth to cover a lie. What usually happens is that privacy is used to camouflage the intention of keeping secrets. In other words, secretive people will use the right and need for privacy to conceal that they really are keeping something secret.

Secrecy and privacy are not too difficult to distinguish from each other.

A rule of thumb to distinguish the two is to ask: is this fact about me important in this relationship at this time?

There’s a big difference between closing the door to the bathroom, and closing a window on the computer so your spouse can’t see your secrets. All secrets involve private information, but what makes them secrets is that the withheld personal information is important to actions in the relationship. It’s privacy if you ask your husband to hang up the phone extension when you’re chatting with a friend. It’s secrecy if you’re going to tell that friend personal things about your marriage.

Secrecy is a tool, which is commonly used in trying to escape consequences.

Secrets always hide something negative, that's why they're secrets.

Those who keep a secret fear the truth because they know they have no intention of changing.

They are dishonest because they know that others may react to what is hidden and they wish to avoid this.

Keeping secrets is finally….an emotional theft.

It helps us feel less vulnerable and usually stems from old baggage and shame.

It is cheating to secure a result that cannot or will not come about if the secret is disclosed. Keeping secrets also avoids the effort and responsibility of finding an equitable, honest solution in which others can participate.

Secrets are always antithetical to relationship, to intimacy, to real and fulfilling contact. Secretive people are never fulfilled emotionally. They keep a wall of separation between themselves and others and then wonder why the feel so alone and misunderstood. They often blame others for this state and use it to justify secretiveness, instead of doing the only valid and meaningful and intelligent thing: spill out all secrets and make themselves as transparent as possible.

So, next time they say you've invaded their privacy....tell them "No, everyone deserves privacy. I've invaded your secrecy!"