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One idea...as far as bluffing about where you got your information, you can indicate that you were able to obtain hard copies of all her past text messages back and forth with OM.
She'll have no idea that, from what I know, it is impossible to do so unless you have them auto-forwarded to your phone (in which case the original phone doesn't get them). My understanding is that most text messaging is like a phone conversation that the phone company doesn't keep a record of. I could be wrong but regardless that's not common knowledge. She's switching phones anyway and she'll carry on thinking switching phones solves the problem.
I used this strategy myself, but admittedly, it would work better face to face when trying to overcome the wall of denial as they have no way of checking and the tidbits of info you appear to have convince them your telling the truth. If used otherwise, they could find out that your bluffing by finding out for themselves that you didn't get them or couldn't get them. Further...they'll consult OM's and OM's are notoriously snakey skoundrels that will sense a bluff when they hear one.
Mr. Wondering
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Exposure How To:
1. Figure out who you want to expose to, including family members and friends, or anyone else, who may have influence on either WW or OM.
2. Expose by saying my WW and OM are having an adulterous affair. I want to save my marriage and I would like to ask your help.
3. Never threaten WW with exposure. Just do it.
4. Get ready for a storm once you do this. Your WW will spew all kinds of stuff at you, "the marriage is over, this is it!, we're done! you've really done it now!" But one of the favorite sayings around here is that your marriage will survive her anger and wrath, it won't survive an affair. When she does this, don't argue with her, just keep repeating that you will do whatever needs to be done to protect your marriage.
5. Do your exposure all at once if possible. I've read that it's like a tunsami of exposure. She won't be able to keep up fast enough with the lies.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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sundevil, where in Texas is she going to meet the OM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. no one has the right to the 'privacy" to have an affair. You have right to know every damn thing your wife does because it is YOUR LIFE too.
My H once accused me: "YOU DON'T TRUST ME!!!" I said: "you're damn tootin'!"
So if she accuses you of this, AGREE WITH HER!
Also, the reason your W is making noises about divorce, I suspect, is so that she can justify her adultery as in "we are getting divorced, therefore, I am not an adulterer." This is how the "logic" of the foggy minded works. Be sure and let her know that it will be adultery until the day you are divorced.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sundevil, where in Texas is she going to meet the OM? I'm not positive, but I'm sure she is likely to pick him up at the airport... most of their communication is through cell phone now. BTW, I decided to change my screen name, as the other one was one I used on various other boards... Figure might be good to change is in case she comes around (although highly unlikely)... but I would like to direct her to the marriage builders site for reading information... Also... if my wife ever asks me up front if I've been reading her e-mail... do I tell her, or deny it? Seems like this is a love buster if I deny it as I am being dishonest.
Last edited by betrayedhubby75; 06/27/08 04:51 PM.
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but I would like to direct her to the marriage builders site for reading information... No! No! No! As long as she is a WS, do not give up your source of support here at MB. Once the affair is ended and you begin recovery, THEN you can send her here.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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That is why I have hesitated... I've sent her a copy of His Needs, Her Needs... I don't think she will read it though... 
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SD: About who 2 expose 2. Not the ex boss. Unless he's a close friend and supporter of the marriage. About secrecy/privacy. Here's something Spacecase put 2gether some years ago: The Difference Between Secret And Private
Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.
Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.
Private: I believe in reincarnation.
Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.
Private: I got terrible grades in high school.
Secret: I forged my medical degree.
The Difference Between Truth and Honesty
Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.
Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability. -ol' 2long
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If this were me (it's not), I would expose now (or in the next 2ple of days) and see what your W does. I would not care what the OM does, as he is only as much a factor here as you make him.
Your W will be very angry at your exposure. Hissy-fit stuff, as others have described above.
I wouldn't go down there for the weekend. Save the air fare for groceries or dog food. Maybe fireworks. Invite your W 2 come UP and visit YOU in Michigan. Maybe she'd have things she wants 2 discuss?
Don't reveal your sources. let her deny there's an affair, you know that there is. She knows that there is. And soon, the people you expose 2 will know that there is. The purpose of reading the emails or whatever means you found out is 2 give you the evidence of the affair, not her. Stop thinking like an engineer and simply don't answer when she asks how you know. Or use the cell phone text message ploy for now if you want.
If she manages 2 convince the OM 2 come down for the weekend anyway, in spite of his family being all over his beautox for interfering with a marriage, then, if it were me (it's not), I would:
Let
Her
Go.
Go completely dark. Send a plan B letter if you wish 2 go 2 plan B. But go dark even if you choose 2 do what I would do if it were me (it's not) - file for divorce.
-ol' 2long
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Oh wow...
I had lost this link 2 an excerpt from Frank Pittman's "Grow Up" book. I just found it. Personally, I think this is the best text about marriage that I've come across. I ordered the book this week, and it's already shipping:
**edit** please confine advertising about competitive websites/services to the "Other Web Sites" forum here on Marriage Builders. Thank you. Revera
Last edited by Revera; 06/28/08 09:40 AM. Reason: comp advertising
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Also... if my wife ever asks me up front if I've been reading her e-mail... do I tell her, or deny it? Seems like this is a love buster if I deny it as I am being dishonest. You should use radical honesty WHEN IT IS SAFE, not when it harms you. And right now it would harm you to be "honest" with her. If she asks you how you know this, tell her "I will not reveal my source."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If she asks, I would say "I will not reveal the person who gave me this information". You are being honest, because it is a person...your WW. But it will do 2 things for you: 1) Hopefully ensure that she does not suspect you are viewing her emails. 2) Plant a seed of doubt that there is someone close to her or to him that is spying and keeping you up to date. A little misdirection never hurt anyone. 
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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My God the bunch of you here are going to get someone hurt. This dream a lot of you seem to want for personal confrontation and exposure right there to a stranger is scary. You are hoping that the OM will back down what if he doesn't? If it does get physical, so what he goes to jail are you willing to advise someone gets physically hurt so you guys can live through their exposure acts? Sorry the jolies a lot of you seem to get from exposure of an affair is NOT worth a possible chance of getting physically hurt. The original poster has no idea what this guy is like, so sorry our advice of face to face confrontation is stupid at best.
To the original poster deal with your wife, drop the blood thirsty crowd ideas here of confronting them together or the OM individually. Change your plane ticket to a earlier flight and confront your wife, but don't deal with the OM that is a wild card you don't need to deal with. Amen!
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She is pushing you to say the magic words: I want a divorce.
That way, she is free to enjoy her wild and crazy weekend with a 'clear' conscience. Send her a beautiful card and flowers telling her how much you love her. That should undo her attempts. Or at least fill them with guilt.
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One idea...as far as bluffing about where you got your information, you can indicate that you were able to obtain hard copies of all her past text messages back and forth with OM. Use the fog to your advantage. I actually convinced my WW that with Google Earth I could track her every movement. She actually believed that I could follow her every movement for years past!
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[quote=betrayedhubby75]
-You should use radical honesty WHEN IT IS SAFE, not when it harms you. And right now it would harm you to be "honest" with her. If she asks you how you know this, tell her "I will not reveal my source." Tell her a PI. She will spend forever looking over her shoulder yet forget that her cell phone gives away everything.
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She is probably doing the fogese babble when she talks to you. Somewhere there is a thread on how to answer her questions with Reverse Babbling....
That would go something like this:
WS: Since you've told everyone about my wonderful relationship w/ op, I don't know that I will ever be able to trust you again!
BS: Am I to understand that you don't think you can trust me?
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I have NOT read the entire thread..but enough to get the idea of what is going on.
Do NOT tell her where you got the information.
Speak to an attorney and protect your assets. If your wife continues with this plan...go dark on her. IF you do not have children...divorce her, she isn't worth the trouble.
Expose the living helll out of this affair NOW. Have someone that your wife respects at the airport...where they can confront her directly. It is time to get other people involved here through exposure and confrontation...or it is time to cut your losses.
If you have kids...get custody of them. Do not let them be damaged by the bimbo that is your wife.
If you are bent on confronting this guy...be absolutely cold blooded and heartless. He is trying to hurt your family. Stop him. Now, that is NOT my first choice for you...but when you decide to fight for something in a direct way...do it right the first time.
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Any suggested answers to things like:
"Why are you spying on me?", "What are you doing here?", "What is your problem?", "You are crazy... quit stalking me.", "Leave me alone, I just want to be happy. You don't make me happy. (This is the biggest one as it's her current theme to life right now - honestly, I don't know how to answer it.)", "Why are we doing this? Why don't we just get divorced.", "Life is too short to be unhappy.", etc Sine you do NOT live together...you are committing a felony by reading her emails. A felony. You should follow her suggestions to not stalk her. Levae her alone and walk away. Divorce is your best option.
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I realize she won't change her mind overnight...
But what triggers the mind change?
I realize every situation is different as well... Just trying to get some inside...
I'm sure the info is out there somewhere on this site... I'm just doing so much reading, I can't absorb everything right away. What triggers the mind change? The end of her affair and NC w/ OM followed by several weeks to months of withdrawal. After six months of not speaking to OM or any other OM, she will likely be out of the fog as long as you have done a good plan A, tried to meet her needs, and avoided love busters.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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