You see that? ...that's what MBers like to call "WS fog babble" You see, on your part, you are trying to justify your actions. If you are so certain this will not work then WHY are you putting on a show to your husband and getting his hopes up?

Rain I don't want to get into an argument with you about parenting.

Even when I was in the middle of my affair, I would have insisted I was a GREAT mother. Meanwhile I left my kids 5 days a week to go be with OM. Then I tore apart their family.
So no...I was NOT a great mother. And neither are you.

People who are caught up in affairs ARE lousy parents. Just look at what you are doing to OM. He's willing to move away from his kid and be a "somewhat" weekend dad.

When you don't live in the same town as your kids, you're never going to be there for school conferences, band concerts or ball games or any of their firsts.

And even if you and OM stay in the same town, you are giving up half of those firsts with your child -- because he will be with DAD.

Not to mention your child isn't coming first. You are.

How many times has your child needed your attention while you were on the phone with OM?

Have you considered anything of what I've said about getting rid of OM entirely?

Oh geeez...I wish you could read my posts from when I first came here. You sound exactly like me.

I would say my H was a great guy, just not great for me.
I thought I was doing him a favor, because then he could find someone who really loved him, instead of putting up with me.

By divorcing him, I thought I would be doing him a FAVOR, he just didn't realize it. I just wanted him to stop being in love with me. But I just couldn't be the one to make the choice. I wanted him to give up.

I can't speak for JL but I would like to second everything he said... and I would hazard to guess that his question was "Are you interested in working on the marriage for the children, in taking the time, the focus and the patience to become happily married?" (I hope he doesn't mind; if that isn't his exact question, it's mine.)

The absolute best thing you can give your child, hands down, is to love their father (or mother, for the men) and provide them with a happy healthy home environment.

(a) Statistically speaking, households with stepparents are much worse and much more abusive in all forms than households with the two original parents.

(b) You will either model for your son how a mature person honors their commitments and learns to develop healthy loving relationships, or you will model for your son that it is ok to break your vows if something better comes along; to leave instead of solving your problems; to put your own pleasure above the needs of him and his father, and to value short-term gratification over long-term benefits.

(c) By trading in one relationship for another, instead of learning to work on your relationship, you will eventually encounter similar problems in your new relationship. Those problems didn't go away, you are still the same person and the same problems will eventually re-surface.

Are you interested in building on the marriage you already have, learning to build a loving relationship and provide the best home life possible for your son?

Rain,

Here is my last post to you.

yeah, you are a real gem of a mom...you will do ANYTHING for your child EXCEPT for keeping your pants zipped up, not breaking up his family and raping his father. Other than that, you sound like a true mother of the year.

It is so sad to listen to WS talk about what wonderful parents they are...when in fact, they are anything but. Delusional thinking.

Wow..perhaps you see your child and the current or maybe a future OM all living happily ever after. Let me tell you..justice would dictate your husband getting full custody of that child if you stay on your current path. And trust me...I KNOW...I have full and complete custody of my son and the older he gets, the less he wants to see his mom because of what she robbed HIM of.

But you won't hear any of this...you are after all convinced you are a good mom. If it wasn't so sad and pathetic, I would find the thinking of WS comical.

YOU cannot be a good parent while abusing your child's father.

Rain...


~emphasis mine

Well then you've come to the right place! At his weekend seminar, Dr. Harley specifically teaches that if there are two people that are not compatible, and they choose to follow the POJA (The Policy of Joint Agreement) for one year's time, they will BECOME compatible! Rain, this CAN be done, all ya gotta do is CHOOSE it...

Mrs. W

P.S. Waywards are horrible parents...I should know, sadly, I've "BTDT"...

And YOU are a shining example that people can use to show the power of change.

Thank you so very much for saying that MEDC...I still get choked up over it all quite often...I can't go to church or pray without breaking down...I get very overwhelmed by the unbelievable GRACE and MERCY that I've been shown by both God and Mr. W...

Mrs. W

I thought I'd see what experts have to say on the 'am I a good parent if I cheat' discussion. This is from Paula Stiles (http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/37986/a_parent_cheating_on_a_spouse_can_hurt.html) (my emphasis added):
Everybody knows how much cheating can hurt a relationship and wreck a marriage. But when there are kids involved, it can also hurt them. Experts usually focus on the damage that occurs to children during and after divorce, when the other partner has discovered the infidelity. But damage can occur much sooner, during the affair itself.

The type of damage depends on the type of cheater. Unfaithful partners come in two basic types: the "accidental" cheater and the "serial" cheater. The accidental cheater may fall into an affair through unusual circumstances. Often, something is going wrong between the cheater and the other partner and the cheater looks for comfort (subconsciously or not) outside of the relationship. The serial cheater, on the other hand, cheats because he or she cannot or will not stay faithful to one person. The accidental cheater may stop after only one affair; the serial cheater won't stop, ever.

Damage varies according to the type of cheater. Accidental cheaters often feel great shame and guilt, so they cover up what they're doing. They hide it from both their partner and their kids, but it's the partner, not the children, finding out that is usually the deal-breaker. Should the child find out about the affair, the cheater may swear the child to secrecy, under the threat of "breaking up the marriage". Even if the cheater says nothing, the child may feel honor-bound to keep quiet to keep from rocking the boat. This puts the child in the terrible position of having to lie for one parent to the other.

The serial cheater may also cover up the affair and enlist the child in doing so. But some serial cheaters go further. They may confide in the child about their affairs and even introduce the child to their new girlfriends or boyfriends as surrogate parents. For the child, accepting the affair becomes part of being accepted by the cheating parent.
Needless to say, this can cause terrible damage to the child, who learns that love and relationships are conditionally based on the other person's interest and approval and that they are a game of one-upmanship. Children learn that when you become bored with one person, you simply turn to another one.

The reaction of the injured partner doesn't help. A parent may respond to infidelity by the other parent with rage and possessiveness that includes both children and possessions. They then continue the game by denying the cheating parent access to their children in punishment for the affair. The cheating parent may also try to gain sole custody of the kids to completely deprive the other parent of control and to complete the fantasy of a new life with a new partner.

The problem is that in relationships where someone cheats, both partners often become childish and selfish. But parents can't afford to be selfish. (rain, remember me saying that to you, and you denying the truth of it?) Cheaters, consider what you're risking when you cheat. Your children do not deserve to be caught up in the drama of your mistake, enlisted in deceiving the other parent, or blamed or punished for the affair's almost inevitable discovery. Nor should you even consider choosing the person with whom you're cheating over your children. Your children are, above all, the innocent parties here.

Similarly, injured partners, while you might feel much justifiable rage at the other partner, you have no right to take it out on your children. They didn't pick your partner-you did. Just because you don't want to see the lying, cheating rat ever again does not mean that your children are willing to cut Daddy out of their lives. You have to respect their wishes as long as it's safe.

And be honest about safety issues. Don't invent a false concern for safety as an excuse to cut off contact. You should also avoid comparing your child to the cheater. When the child defies you, don't ever let the words, "You're just like your mother" cross your lips. Children pushing boundaries is a normal part of growing up and has nothing to do with your partner's infidelity.

I have not read most of this thread but it really is sad. It reminds me of my mom and her struggles.

She cheated and left our family but really that was not the worst of it. The worst thing she did was take advantage of a man who loved her.

She betrayed him and us but my poor dad never really recovered. He was just a good basic guy that got destroyed by hurricane "Mom". My poor dad was not strong enough and it was a slow death but it happened.

Now you have a good man in which you had two affairs. You also stripped him of his financial well being.

I am guessing a big reason for wanting out is he is not able to provide money for her to gamble. She has pretty much used him up completely.

I equate this to a battered woman who is being beaten. Her H has been battered and abused but yet keeps coming back for more.

I don't want to run you down rain. I feel sad for you. The OM has proved that he will sleep with a married woman. If he did it once he will do it again. I just think your husband deserves much better. I really feel sad for him.

Rain,

Just to shine a bit more of a spot light on the parenting thing. You gambled away your families money. You left your family in big debt. That money if not spent on other things your child needs could have and should have been saved for your childs education. It is gone. It won't be coming back. You offer to take on the debt when you leave the relationship, but that means your son will do without.

You have already robbed your son of his potential future. You want to rob him of being with his father. AND you have sought NO COUNSELING for your gambling addiction nor the affairs you are having and have had.

How is that being a good parent? How is leaving going to help him? You know it will take the work of both you and your H to rebuild from the gambling loses and yet you ignore this aspect of your choices.

Do you see why people are telling you that the fog has decended and not let up? You need help. Why not get it before you divorce and see if the marriage can be saved?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I never did anything wrong either - that my husband would share with me. Yet he could have been happier. And I would have LOVED the chance to be the cause of my husband's happiness.

What would you like, rain? He doesn't have to have done anything WRONG to be able to do better. Have you ever shared with him what WOULD make you happy? Have you ever asked him what YOU could do to make HIM happy?

I think that is an excuse, rain.

Why were you EVER with him if you were not compatible? You're lucky he is not compatible with you right now - TWO people with a wayward mindset could cause quite the mess.

Your feelings have changed because of the mistake you made. It's a cover to protect yourself. While you are protecting yourself, you are damaging others.

Dig deep, clean out the muck, and start again.

I think you need to find the faith that you CAN find happiness in your family. Not necessarily that it WILL, but you need to believe it at least CAN be possible.

It only WILL, if you do your part.

Be honest with yourself. When a reason for something you've done comes to mind and the blame for it falls on someone else, question yourself and ask "is that REALLY the reason?"

Fox

No, I don't spend 5 days a week with the OM. In fact, I have not spent time with him much at all so I have not neglected my 12 yr old son. My son is into his friends and playing video games. He is not into family time much anymore but I make time for it to keep us close. I am not asking the OM to move from his kids. He travels, like I have said numerous times, so he is already away from his kids most of the time. I will continue to be a great mother to my son, despite what you think.

Happiness to me right now is being loved and admired, by my son and my partner.

Roflmao

Rain for mother of the year.

BTW...my son is 12 too. His mom sounds a lot like you...and guess what...she is missing out on a lot because of her blindness. You will too. One day your son will hate you if you continue on your current path.

Well.....there doesn't seem to be much of a family for him to spend time with.

Kids are so smart. He knows what is going on and feels the stress even if he has not been told directly.

Don't fool yourself into thinking he is okay and "normal".

Broken homes damage children.


You are killing his family. How can that be characterized as being a great mother?

You are lying to yourself and until you can stop THAT, you can't stop lying to others.

You may not be doing so deliberately, but it is happening.

Can you share with us what your home life was like growing up?

Fox

Then you won't find it.

Your PARTNER is your husband.

Are you acting admirably? Would you be proud and admire someone who is acting as you are?

The fallout from this for your son will last for YEARS - probably a LIFETIME. This will color his own relationships and how treats women.

And how he THINKS a woman should behave.

Do you WANT him to find a wife that will do this to him? How will he know any better when he is taught be his mother that it is okay?

Fox

I have not slept with the OM. It has merely been a friendship but hidden because I knew it was wrong talking to him. I have not had a physical affair but it has been an emotional one.

Rain,

I get the feeling that you're simply NOT INTERESTED in looking at this from any perspective other than your own.

What wildhorses74 posted to you IS your son's future. I know, because I am your son 35 years in the future.

I will not bare my dirty family laundry here "IF" you are not interested in hearing from the "voice of experience", but if you are, just ask and I'll give you a glimpse into your son's future, if for no other reason than to possibly help 72Dude out, because your son is learning from how both you and 72Dude interact together.

"IF" you really are a good mother (underneath all of your self-deception), then screw up your courage enough to do something worthy of your son's love.