All of you are so great. I thought I would go apesh*t tonight waiting for her to come home from work. Its great to have people to talk to about this. I haven't had a soul to talk to about any of this for a year.

well, there's nothing anyone can do for you if you are not willing to help yourself here. SO, why are you here? So we can hold your hand and say "poor you..." Or do you want help. Because right now pal, you are getting sloppy seconds every single time you have sex with your wife. That is reality and until you do something about it...it isn't going to change.

And if I am being harsh, so be it. Someone needs to get through to you here. This is f-ing URGENT!!!!!

Yes it is stupid. You are no longer a boy, but a MAN who has a marriage to save and a family to protect. You are a GROWN UP MAN NOW who has a child to protect. TIME TO GROW UP.


How do you "feel" about your wife having an affair with another man? How do you FEEL about your wife lying to you? Does that feel GOOD?

Does she work late every night? Why?

((((((((((Boogy))))))))))

I know exactly how you feel.

Charlotte

Boogy,

Your Pov here is to say the least, extremely odd. You sought out this forum, not the other way around. Do you want to attempt to save your M or not?

If not, why waste people's time who are trying to break through your blockheadedness on this issue. Did you come here to present your own faulty plan or subscribe to what actually works, as in dr Harley's plan(s)?

Your opinions are meaningless unless they directly result in ending the A and gaining your W and family back. If you don't have a real desire to do that, that's your choice and no one will fault you for that.

In my own case, I would have loved to do things my way and have succeded, but they werre doomed to failure cos there is a man here named Dr Harley who actually knows better than you. That's why he's the expert. Because he is much more successful than you or I with his results.

Your choice, of course, but you do yourself a major disservice by thinking your way is the best way.

ALL Blessings,
Jerry

We don't have our son in daycare, so I work during the day Monday through Thursday, and she works nights on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and days on Friday and Saturday. Daycare sucks, and I'm happy to make that sacrifice for my son.

Boogy,
I am in total agreement with the other posters here that your sense of nobility by not snooping is extremely misplaced. But I wanted to address another issue you have brought up.
You seem to think that forcing your wife to be honest with you is pointless because how could you ever trust her? Ask yourself this? Has she had a habit of lying to you throughout your courtship and your marriage? Or was she honest with you? Does her lying to you about this seem "out of character" for her? An abberration, so to speak?

If the answer is yes, there is a reason for that and it lies in an analysis of how many affairs begin. Your wife *probably* did not go out looking to have an affair (and make no mistake, she is having at least an EA, most likely a PA). Many affairs are very insidious because they take the shape of a series of tiny little steps that move a person further and further from the person you have always known.

It starts with just chatting as acquaintances and eventually progresses to friendship. They don't burden each other with life's problems, they just talk about the stuff they have in common and joke and laugh. Eventually that talking extends outside of work hours or wherever they met. She decides to keep it from you because she knows you wouldn't understand and after all, its harmless. But eventually, emotions that feel real will always crop up. Now its not friendship, its forbidden lust/love. Each little step is easily justifiable because the wayward spouse always believes they are in control. But the reality is that they aren't. They are literally under the control of chemicals in the brain that attempt to perpetuate this "good feeling". Its not called an addiction for nothing. It literally is an addiction.

Do you see what Im getting at? Just because you have to force your wife to tell you the truth now in no way implies that you will never be able to trust her. She is, quite literally, not in her right mind, and it is up to you, to break that addiction to reclaim the woman you married. She is having an affair because she did not have the knowledge or the boundaries in place to protect herself from the slippery slope that is the descent into infidelity.

By forcing her to tell you the truth now, you can break the affair before it goes any further and help your wife through the withdrawal period. Part of the recovery process is discussing the dynamics of the affair, identifying the wrong choices, addressing appropriate/inappropriate behavior, and then deciding on the right boundaries that she will abide by.

Doing that, and assuming your wife is truly repentent, and you WILL be able to regain your trust in her over time. If you do nothing now and wait for her to come clean, I can guarantee you that you will destroy your marriage. And I say you, because you could have done something to save it.

I think your wife will only come to you in 3 scenarios:
1) She is leaving you for him
2) She had sex with him and that was the catalyst for her to wake up and realize what she was doing.
3) She is pregnant with his child and cannot hide it any more.

You want to find out the truth and bust up the affair before any of the three of those happen don't you?

Also, if there is even the slightest chance that this affair has gone physical, you need to be very careful about having sex with your wife. We have posters on this board who have incurable STDs thanks to their wayward spouses.

Protect yourself. Protect your marriage. Snoop.

Is she home yet? Does she ever call you while she's at work or when she's going to work late or does she tell you she's working late so she doesn't have to call?

Do you wait up for her? How does she act when she gets home? Nervous and not meeting your eyes? Meeting your eyes but doing some fidgety thing like tugging at her ears or playing with her hair? Showing her tells?

She always calls or texts me from work to say hi or tell me she loves me. She works until around midnight, whch has always been consistent. She never disappears for periods of time. She does however, go out and hang out with her friends from work and com in quite late at times. A couple of weeks ago, she came home pretty late and I made a comment about having given up doing something in game (I used to play a bit of World of Warcraft) because I thought she was going to be home earlier. She immediately became extremely irate and accused me of not trusting her and not wanting her to hang out with her friends. It turned out after several lies that he was there at the gathering that night.

Throughout this entire thing, she's never backed off from me emotionally. But then maybe she's just faking it. I say she's a bad liar, but had I never found that letter, I never would have known anything. I can know for a fact that she's lying to me, ask her a direct question looking for a specific answer, and she lies to me without missing a beat. Its all just weird, and I'm sure I'm in denial to a large degree. Part of it all is the sheer embarassment, and me wondering what I would do if she has actually been having a physical affair with this little dolt. My son comes first for me. I'd give my life for him in a heartbeat, and I suppose I'd even stay in a marriage devoid of trust so that he wouldn't have to endure a fatherless home (and so that I wouldn't have to spend a single night away from him).

I think her mother could wake her up, and talking to her would do a world of good to be sure (she should be sainted frankly - the ideal and perfect mother in law), but I'm a little nervous about calling her without telling my wife I want to call her.

WHY do you need permission to talk with your MIL?

Your wife is screwing around on you and you want to get her PERMISSION to end your abuse?

Reach down into your trousers son and see if you can find your balls - you'll be needing them before this thing is through.

Wake up! You and reality need to settle your differences.

If you continue having sex with your wife, I suggest condoms, penicillin and not giving her oral sex.

Boogy, it's almost as if you just crashed landed here from another planet.

It is just stunning to me that you think it is wrong to snoop to save your M and your family.

I just want to assure you that EVERY single person who has posted to you wants to help you.

Every one.

You know the more I think about this, the more I'm of the opinion that this is an EA.

I think what has happened is that your W and the OM spend a lot of time flirting with each other. Everyone they work with knows about it and finds it a bit "cute and amusing". They always seek each other out at work parties and functions and are known for monopolising each other.

I think your W loves the attention from the OM and the excitement of it all and probably spends a lot of time fantasising about the OM but hasn't made the step over into a PA.

I think she doesn't tell you when the OM is going to be attending because she doesn't want to give up her "attention" time with the OM. She also doesn't want you to be suspicious because "nothing has happened" in her eyes.

I think she does feel like she's telling you the "truth" because to most people an EA isn't an A. Most people call it "harmless fun" and "flirting" and "being friends".

I do think that if the OM is persistent and smooth talking enough, it WILL develop into a PA.

it's been going on over a year...couple that with the email from her co-worker. No way this is not a PA. No way.

Yes, it has been going on a long time, MEDC but I have actually seen this sort of EA in the workplace and they really are EA's. For Boogy's sake I hope it hasn't developed into a PA and if it is the type of EA I'm talking about, it's just as bad in it's way.

Just something of a "gut" feeling about this makes me think I'm right.

Hi Boogy:

Just wanted to say I am sorry. My wife lied and I had video of her with the other man. I am divorced now so like a lot of people here please listen to what they are telling you.

I hate to bring this up but the time frame concerns me. You say that you decided to have a child and shortly after that you find evidence that your wife may have "Caved into him".

So you are saying in what February 2007 she got pregnant and you find this email in May?? That is really to close for comfort.

This should have been a newly pregnant wife. I guess what I am asking is are you sure the child is yours? I bring this up because it did happen to a friend of mine. One of his children was not his and he found this out when he caught his wife in an affair.

It may not be anything but again that time frame is very curious to say the least. When a woman gets pregnant with her husband she should not be developing crushes on a co-worker. Of course maybe other women who have been pregnant could chime in but that really would bother me.


Again, there are a lot of red flags her. My wife told me she would never have an affair. I had emails and video and phone conversations and she still lied. When I showed her the video she finally started to admit to some of it since she was with him in my bed in my house.

Have you thought of having her take a polygraph?

Anyway I am sorry for what you are going thru and I am sure my post did not help you. I just wanted to make sure you have all the facts and make sure you try and find out the details.

I agree with MEDC. A young 20-something year old man is not going to continue hanging around like that unless he was getting something out of it, and that "something" is usually SF.

FWIW, it took less than 6 months for the OM to work his way up to PA status with my FWW, and yes, they worked together.

Yes, MIM and MEDC, I can see that I am probably way off base. I hadn't really taken "age" into consideration. I don't know why my "gut" told me that this is an EA. It still is telling me that, I don't know why. Reading that email again from the best friend does point to a PA I must say.

Boogy, I hope you're getting the hang of things here. You have a real chance of saving your marriage if you take the very good advice you're getting.

Yep, took my wife's coworker just about six months to get what he wanted too. In my home, as well.

I remember her saying to me just shortly before they had sex for the first time, "I wonder what he's getting out of this."

He just hadn't F'd her yet...

I would crucify that little twirp immediately. I regret not doing that a year ago...