THE BLESSING IN "NO"
=====================

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said "No."
It is not for Me to take away,
but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said "No."
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said "No."
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted,
it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said "No."
I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said "No."
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to Me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said "No."
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said "No."
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!

Author Unknown

(MountainWings #3217 A MountainWings Moment



Rain, the above is one of the posts in the link in my sig line.

Just a suggestion, but you might want to read that thread and think about some of things in there, you might find them helpful to you and your situation.

Because I am miserable with him. THERE I SAID IT! Do you think all of this other stuff would have happened if I was happy in my marriage. Look, I have said it before and I will say it again. I AM NOT HAPPY. It may be selfish but it is true. So, now, how can I go thru it pretending becuase I want to for my child and I will do it for him!!! IS that what you guys think I should do. Will that make my H happy knowing that I would rather be with someone else but I am staying for my child?. Is that what you guys are wanting me to do to him.... Fake it because to me that doesn't seem like something I should teach my child either and it doesn't seem like the right thing to do for my H. Help me understand cause I am confused and I do want to do the right thing.

And with this.....you placed blame on your BH.

"All this other stuff" happened because YOU made the CHOICE. YOUR choice could have been to discuss with your husband where you were at - but you didn't. You decided to lie and hide.

You are miserable with him because of YOUR lies and deceit.

Fix YOU.

No matter where you go, there you are.

You can't hide from yourself and destroying your family will not get you happiness either.

You will continue to feel guilt, regret, and pain.

MAKE your marriage a happy one. It is up to YOU, too.

Fox

It is time to start making good solid respectful decisions.

When you are down in the dumps it is the time to show what you are made of. You reap what you sow. Make poor decisions and you suffer the consequences and more unhappiness. Make good decisions and you reap the benefits and it leads you to happiness.

Your poor decisions have placed you right where you should be right now. Your unhappiness is a reflection of your past decisions. If you want this to change then go about changing it step by step by making sound decisions.

Don't play with the devil.

How? How do I do that without destroying it further...because that is what I am afraid of. No matter how hard we try what if we end up still unhappy and we have to go through all of this pain again. I don't want to put my H thru that!

I don't think you should fake it. I think you should make an honest effort.

Put as much effort into the marriage as you did in hiding the affair.

There are steps to take so that you COULD recover and BECOME happy. No, it won't be EASY but well worth the effort. Many on here can tell you of their experiences through recover.

First and foremost, NONE of it will happen with OM in the wings. Without that, there is no hope.

You are refusing to give recovery a CHANCE.

Have you considered talking to the Harley's? I would highly recommend it. They are the EXPERTS. And have talked to MANY in your situation.

I will admit that my posts to you are slanted with MORE sympathy towards your husband and child because I AM the betrayed and have children dealing with it.

The Harley's are unbiased. Please heavily consider it.


Fox

Can you open your eyes and heart to the happiness you could have with him?
There was a reason you feel in love with him in the beginning, a reason that you have been together for years, a reason you chose to have a beautiful child with him...

I agree - you are not happy now - no one here is doubting that at all, but please don't dedule yourself into thinking that your happiness exists WITHIN another person. Your happiness exists within yourself and what you can bring to a relationship. What are you willing to bring to your marriage? To try to keep your family intact? How much to you WANT to be happy? Are you willing to try your hardest? To give your most? To first find happiness WITHIN yourself to bring to your son and your husband.

You unhappiness is not due to your H. It is due to yourself. Ask me how I know.. :-)
You have worked hard to convince yourself of a lot of things that are most certianly untrue. How hard are you willing to work to open your eyes to what could be there with your H?

Wild...you are exactly the person that needs to talk to me. You are my H's and my childs unspoken voice.

I understand your fear of failing and having to go through this all again. Many of us betrayed spouses go through the same thoughts.

Your husband probably has those same thoughts....but he is still willing.

Let HIM make his choice on whether he is willing to risk it.

Are you willing to give an honest effort?

Really, rain, I recommend calling the Harley's. Those of us posting to you are pretty limited in our expertise. I can only guide you based on my own experience and I did not recover my marriage.

I hear your pain. Don't stay and wallow in it. Make a plan and DO it.

Calling the Harley's can be done first and foremost. They will be better able to explain WHY no contact with OM is imperative. They will be able to give you those steps that are most likely to lead to happiness.

Fox

Love 2.0
=========

Tech Support: Yes Ma'am, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready.
What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart.
Have you located your heart Ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running Ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have past-hurt, low self-esteem, grudge, and resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase past-hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
Love will eventually override low self-esteem with a module of it's own called high self-esteem. However, you have to completely turn off grudge and resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off Ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge and resentment have completely erased.

Customer: Okay done, Love has started installing itself.
Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already.
It says, "error - program not run on external components."
What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry Ma'am, It means the Love program is set-up to run on internal hearts but has not yet been run on your heart. In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love
yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down self-acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-self; Realize your worth; Acknowledge your limitations.

Customer: OK, done.

Tech Support: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete verbose self-criticism from all directories and empty your recycle bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.
So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang-up.
Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and it's various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: I promise to do just that.
By the way, what's your name?

Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as the Great Physician, or just "I AM." Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy; but the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency. KEEP IN TOUCH!

OMG....this is so horrible....I do not wish this on anyone. I can't even work...I cried all night last night and my H still put his arms around me. He doesn't deserve this or me. You are right....I have caused a huge part of my unhappiness and all of my H's unhappiness. It it a no win. Divorcing looked easier now it looks complicated. But so does staying. What the he77...I am so confused.

GOOD

Maybe now you will look for the answers. Call Dr. Harley.

Only when every single outside distraction has been removed and you have given your marriage EVERY chance for survival will you know what you can feel.

YOU really need to earn your way out of your marriage by putting in a year of hard work. If at the end of the year...with ZERO distractions and hard work on both of your parts you still want to go, I say do it. But right now, you have not earned that right.

rain, this is a perfect time to find a counselor and start working on it - when you are hurting. You have to agree, as we all see, that you have some heavy-duty underlying issues in your past, driving you toward addictive personality and destructiveness. Fix it! It is such a good feeling to finally get a handle on those things that have been driving your life all this time and finally see some purpose and success in your future. Go to therapy and find out where that all comes from, and find out how to replace addiction and destructiveness with progress and accomplishment and success and love. You can do it!

You are right Rain.

It is a no-win situation.

There is no happy ending no matter what you do.

So now what?

Now...you choose to live by your values and principles.
Now...you give up OM because of how wrong that relationship is.
Now...you give yourself time to decide on your marriage.
Now...you focus on healing yourself.
Now...you focus on your child.

We can't afford therapy. My job requires too much time for therapy and so does my H's job and school. We just can't do that right now. We can't even go on a family vacation because we don't have the money and it's all my fault.

You can't afford to NOT do therapy. It is the single most important thing you need to do right now.

Anything you make a priority is possible.

How important is your marriage to you?
How important is your son to you?
How important are YOU to you?

I don't go to your H's thread very much. It brings back all of my own pain and I feel it all over again. I can't speak FOR them but I can speak about what I experienced going through the same thing.

He KNOWS what that pain feels like and is still willing to risk it with you. I can't tell you HUGE that is.

Let him make his own choice in this. You took away his choice in whether or not he wanted his wife to have an affair. Let him have this one.

The biggest gift my husband could have given me was the chance to TRY. I needed that so desperately - so that I could continue my life knowing I did everything I could to make my family work.

Without the chance to try, I was ROBBED.

Thank you for the chance to speak to my husband's OW. You represent her to me in a way.

You may get harsh posts but please stick around. I got into quite a few arguments on my thread and it was from other betrayed spouses.

Each of us has some improvements to make.

Fox

I mean really....we can't afford therapy right now and we don't have time. I can't lose my job and he cant not go to class or use his time studying. Why should I make it harder for him when he is already finging it hard to find time to study. I ask him to do that.

So, you can't lose your job...but you CAN lose your marriage????

It is ONE hour a WEEK. Find the time. Make the time and stop making excuses for failure.