Betrayed, spend alot of time on this. It is one thing to end an A and it is another to recover a marriage in the best of circumstances.

Do not underestimate this and think through it completely. At best, Harley states it takes 2 years to recover a marriage. he also states that marriage needs to have logic. You two don't have kids so some of the logic is not there. Also, negotiate with this in mind.

Your wife was secretly planning a long holiday weekend alone with another man, and YOU got the jealousy issue? That's funny! Well, the experts have been telling you she's going to go ballistic once you've exposed. They were right! She doing what everyone has told you she would do. Look at other threads and you can see for yourself how common the WW or WH response to exposure is. You wife is no different. Hang in there!

Hmmmm....just got a new phone number, eh? Did she tell you why?

That last text she sent him was probably, "I'm getting a new phone, don't use this # anymore." Or something like that.

Forgive me, that's just the first thing that popped into my mind when I read your post. You've probably thought of that already.

Charlotte

Wanting to save your M is wrong? Ask her how so?


Ask her, "Why would you want me to keep your A a secret?"



Remind her that you aren't forcing her to talk to you or spend time w/ you.


Tell her you think differently, otherwise you wouldn't consider trying to R your M.

Could be, I knew she was getting one. She didn't want me "policing" her or acting as her "probation officer".

We'll see what kind of activity she has on it after tonight...

On the way home I got the following:

Her:

"You went 2 my friends and MY family w/out asking me. That is unacceptable behavior. You're out of control and need a reality check! My friends/family r just 2 nice to tell you that."

Me:

"You're right, our friends and family were too nice to tell me that. They were also nice enough to tell me to call them anytime I needed to talk. They were also very concerned about you and about us. I'm glad we have such great friends."

Her:

"Youre more than likely wasting your damn time and losing your damn mind along with it."

Me:

"You're right, I am losing my mind. I am putting a lot of time into saving this marriage. It is difficult and I believe it will pay off eventually."

"What kind of outfit do you think I should wear for my interview on Friday? You're really good at picking stuff out for those kind of situations."

Her:

"You're not listening as f***ing usual. MY friends and MY family Stay the f*** away from them. Damn you're stubborn!"

Me:

"Yes, they are your friends and family too."

Her:

"I don't know, don't care. Go NUDE!"

ME:

"Good idea! They'll remember me for sure if I do that!"

Her:

"Please don't come! I cannot even stand you in text & we sure as hell cannot talk on the phone! I already have enough crazy family to deal with!"

ME:
"I'm sorry to hear you don't want me there. I will call you when I get there Thursday. we can deal with the rest of your crazy family together."

Her:

"WW's BF is NOT your friend. Don't fool yourself! My aunt is MY aunt, not yours. Again, don't be mistaken. Goooood lord!"

ME:

"Someone should tell your friend and aunt that. Maybe you should call them?"

Her:

"Of course you will. Why don't you save yourself some time and precheck yourself in to the phych ward too!?"

ME:

"Sure, I will see if that's possible before I leave."

Her:

"I already talked to them both YOU made them very uncomfortable!"

ME:

"I'm sorry to hear that, I will call them and apologize."

ME:

"When did you talk to them? Last night?" (She had no answer to this, because unless she talked to them today - which is doubtful because she was training at work, and out for lunch all afternoon - she did not talk to them at all. I would assume that she is too embarrassed to call either one.)

Her:

"You should do something like resume sanity for starters."

ME:

"Saving our marriage should help with our sanity."

So, is it wise to bring up the fact that she's been in an affair, as stated above? Or, is that a major LB at this time? I'm referring to the comment above about saying "Why would I want to keep your Affair a secret?"

I am trying to just mirror what she's saying, so she knows I'm listening. Not sure if it's doing any good... I'm not sure if telling her she should be the one feeling guilty is any good either.

It isn't a LB 2 tell the truth.


It's also okay 2 point out 2 her that her behavior is the source of all her misery, not yours.

If her affair is so wonderful, she should be delighted 2 have you share her sheer joy with the world.

-ol' 2long

Ending the A (if it IS truly over at this point) does take a weight off my shoulders... Only time will tell if it's done or not.

I think the most important thing for me right now is her willingness to go seek marital counseling. I think she will be willing. However, once we're in, I'm not sure how long she'll stick around, or how well it will work. I'm willing to give it time. How long? That's a good question... I have to consider more. The longer this draws out, the harder that question is to answer... Especially if we can't get things at least on some kind of path this weekend.

I realize I may be asking for too much. Can it be done in 5 days? I don't know for sure...

Well said...

I will keep that in mind....

I wouldn't figure the A is over until she can convince you of that.

For counseling, tell her that it'll be her chance 2 confince the counselor that you really are bonkers. See how that works for her.

Can it be done in 5 days? Depends on what "it" is. ...but I would agree with Dr Harley on the thought that if you really want 2 save the marriage, you 2 need 2 be 2gether from here on out. Won't be easy.


-ol' 2long

I'm just realizing, that for the first time in the last couple weeks, I'm not feeling like I need to sit in front of the computer, refreshing her e-mail every five seconds.

I'm sure not being able to access it now is part of that, but I actually feel like I might be able to get stuff done around the house tonight that's been neglected the past few days...

Awwww, betrayed...I'm sorry you had to deal with all that venom. You were FANTASTIC with your replies, though!!!

WELL DONE!!

I couldn't help it, the "go nude" thing made me laugh. And your reply on that one was SPOT ON!!

Charlotte

Actually what you are doing is called reverse babbling.

And you are doing it VERY well!

It's for YOU more than her.

To keep you sane.

Nothing will penetrate her brain right now anyway.


Yeah, telling her she "should be" anything is a LB.


Sure. It's the truth.

Honestly, I would just quit the texting back and forth stuff. Just let her stew on her own. Deep down she knows you are right, but she doesn't want to hear you tell her that. Here's how it should go:

Her: MY family is MY family, not YOURS!

You: (crickets chirping)

Her: You are such an insensitive @ss.

You: (crickets chirping)

Her: When are you coming down this weekend.

You: My flight arrives at 8pm.

You see, she wants to engage you in a fight right now so she can make you out to be the bad guy. Don't take the bait. She wants to provoke a response from you. Only respond to her when she communicates in a respectful manner. She will eventually learn that if she wants a response, she's going to have to communicate with you in a calm, rational, respectful manner.

BH--you are doing GREAT! I am the FWW of MyRev, and believe me, the way you are handling things is the way to go!! He showed fortitude and a backbone during my fog (which wasn't too long, thank goodness) and it proved to me how dedicated he was to me and our marriage. If there is any substance to her AT ALL, all of your efforts will not be wasted. Please know, MyRev and I are rooting for you, and no matter what happens, you will wind up being a better person because of this site. We were just talking tonight about how MB has given us a new vocabulary in which to express our needs, wants, etc. YOU WILL BE FINE!!

Tonight's texting exchange went well...

She wanted to know when I am coming down, and where I was staying... That is the current topic of conversation... She is trying to have me stay somewhere else, but I'm not having it.

I will post details in the next post...

Tonight's Texting Exchange (I think this went somewhat well)...

Me:

"What are you up to tonight?"

Her:

"Spoke with BF. Undoing what you did basically."

Me:

"What did she have to say? It's hard to undo the truth"

Her:

"She didn't need to hear your paranoia"

Me:

"I can only imagine what you told her. I'm more than happy to provide the proof of the truth to you or to BF"

Her:

"Just leave her alone. Leave all of my friends alone. Their loyalty is to me so you have nothing to gain talking with them! Call your own friends like BF1 or BF2!"

Me:

"I just wanted to share with your friends and family and tell them everything I knew about your new friend OM. I figured there was nothing you had to hide. so what's the real harm in telling them the truth? I told my friends as well. Everyone I talked to is concerned about you, about me and about our marriage. I don't have any problem with the truth. I will gladly tell the whole world the truth. You seem to be the only one in this situation that is having a hard time dealing with the truth."

Her:

"Well, the sad thing is that you're a very slow learner. You shouldn't caught onto the importance of our marriage a long @$$ time ago!"

Me:

"My marriage has always been important to me. It appears as though it is not important to you. You have devalued our marriage so much that you chose to violate our vows and our promises to each other and to God. Instead of connecting with me on an emotional and sexual level, you chose to spend time with your friend OM. You chose this situation. These choices have become your destiny. The only choice you needed to make to avoid this situation was to file for divorce. If you were so truly unhappy all you needed to do was dissolve our marriage. Instead you chose to enter into this affair with OM. This was your free agency and this is the choice you made. You chose to marry me. Perhaps you should have chosen someone else that was willing to throw away his promise to you and to god more easily."

Her:

"Does that mean you're not coming now?"

Me:

"I never said that I am not coming. I will be there thursday. I will call you when I get there."

Her:

"I didn't have an affair idiot!"

Me:

"It was most definitely an emotional affair. Call it what you want to. But, you invested time with another man outside of our marriage. You violated the boundaries of trust within our marriage. You violated the vows of our marriage by forsaking me for another."

"By the way, one of your credit card bills got delivered to the house."

Her:

"You haven't been the husband I needed. We cannot get along. We never resolve anything. My friends say the same about you. They know how unhappy I have been for a very long time. What credit card?"

Me:

"I realize that I was not meeting some of your needs. It is apparent that I focused on the needs that were not important to you. I am willing, able, and confident that with help from you and our friends, family and likely a counselor I can learn exactly what needs are important to you and help to fulfill those needs. The fact that I am even willing to do anything for you despite what you have put me through the past two weeks should tell you how committed I am from this point forward in our marriage. I have fought with my friends tooth and nail to stick up for you in this situation. I have tried to explain how we are both at fault for this scenario. My friends told me that you are not worth the trouble. They told me that I don't deserve to be treated the way you have treated me these past few weeks. I agree with them in that regard. I do not deserve this. But, I made a promise that I intend to stick with. "Through good times and bad." You know what WW? It surely can't get any worse than this. I may never trust you again after your lies and secrecy. I may never be the same person. But, I am willing to try. I realize I haven't been the husband you needed. When I ask you what you need, you tell me I should just know. I can't 'just know' I need you to communicate with me and tell me what you need. Communication is the key. I am not an alien with mind reading capabilities. Neither are you. I don't know what credit card - it has a red stripe on the envelope."

"I have known all along we don't have good communication skills. Have you read the book I sent (I sent her HNHN)? It's not that hard, we just need to talk to each other. We need to listen to each other. Once we stop listening and stop talking, we get in a situation like we're in now. It happens, it's common, it can be fixed and it can be prevented in the future. We need to fill each other's love banks, we need to be there for each other, if you are unhappy, you need to tell me. If I am unhappy, I need to tell you. We need to not bust each other's love and we need to keep interlopers out of our marriage. If we are vulnerable, we need to let each other know. We need to spend more time together, not less. we need to go to church together. We need to dance, we need to touch, we need to kiss, we need to do all of the stuff that we enjoy doing that makes us happy. We need to buy some scooters (something we've wanted to do for a while now) and tour the state of TX. We need to go kayaking on Lake TX. We need to go to Mackinac Island and ride bikes. We need to play with our dogs together, we need to spread the love of our favorite dog breed together. We need each other to be stronger. We need each other to be in true love. I need to forgive you for befriending OM like you have. You need to forgive me for being a crappy husband up to and including this point. We need to throw out our damn TV and spend time getting to know each other again. Remember when we first started dating? Your TV in your apartment was never on. We were never so much in love with each other as we were then. Then we started watching TV together, and we stopped talking. We started to drift away. If we're going to watch TV, we need to pick something we both want to watch and watch it together. We need some alone time to do the things we don't enjoy mutually, but those things should be few and far between. We need to spend less energy yelling at each other and more energy listening and being patient with each other. We need to spend more energy making love with each other and having fun together. We need to quit doing the stupid immature stuff that is killing this marriage. we both need to take a good look at ourselves and realize that we are married and we have new stresses to deal with that we have never dealt with before. We need to realize that promises that we made to each other on our wedding day are our security blanket and that with those promises, we never have to worry about anything, because we have each other. We need to workout together, and push each other to get better, stronger, hotter and sexier."

Her:

"So where are you staying this weekend?"

Me:

"I would like to stay with you."

Her:

"After all of the yelling and the issues we have my roommate does not feel safe having you here. Plus she's pissed that I pulled out of the camping trip and she had to pull out too."

Me:

"I haven't yelled at Roommate. Maybe she would feel safe if she met me first."

Her:

"No you haven't but she knows how we get along and doesn't want to be around you and us together. she is perfectly in her rights to refuse you as a houseguest"

Me:

"We can get a hotel then."

Her:

"You can get one yes as that appears to be your only option at this point."

Me:

"If Roommate is uncomfortable at any time upon my arrival then I will gladly leave. Same goes for you as well. We could pitch a tent in the backyard. It will be just like camping."

Her:

"Yeah right! That's f'ed up when it will just remind both my roommate and I where we're supposed to be!"

Me:

"We can discuss accommodations later."

Her:

"Well you're not staying here."

Me:

"I will sleep in the car."

Her:

"Not my car!"

Me:

"I will get my own."

Her:

"Where will you shower? Roommate and I both will have a conniption if you're going to stay out front of the house!"

Me:

"Why is that? It seems like a peaceful street? I will find a place to shower if you can't offer your own shower to your husband that is sleeping in a car outside your house."

Her:

"Roommate will probably call the cops"

Me:

"Why?"

Her:

"You need to remember that they are of her own free will and this is their house. If you are perceived as a threat in any way they can call the cops. Same goes for me. They don't know you but know our relationship and don't want to be around that volitality. they also know you imposed yourself on me and ruined my plans! Good enough reasons for you!!!!!!????"

Me:

"I'm not imposing anything. You can choose to do whatever you want. I will not be a threat to anyone or anything. Given the circumstances of this situation, the only emotional outbursts I have had have been crying my eyes out. If She, you or other Roommate feels threatened in anyway, please call the cops."

Her:

"We will be fine as long as you're not staying here."

Me:

"We can discuss accommodations later."

So, everything seems fine... OF COURSE.... Now I have my suspicions!

I for sure will not let her house out of my sight in the evening hours...

I can only imagine what she has planned at this point that she doesn't want me staying there.

She may feel unsafe, but I think something else might be going on, not cool.

Sounds to me like OM might be at that place...

Sounds like OM may not have changed his flight...

How about you do this. Get yourself a hotel room, drop by "just to check on her" and be prepared to see OM.

Then watch the venom spew! How DARE you catch her in an (alleged) lie! (Alleged since we don't really KNOW for certain)