Mel - I don't think he would buy another phone. I have searched his gymn bag and have never found anything. I will try to check his car. I think that he would just use his regular phone from work.

More time together? I'll bring that up and see what reaction I get. I guess at this point it is o.k. to be pushy? I don't need to come across as demanding, but simply stating the facts and what it is going to take to repair the M.

I was thinking of offering him up some free time, b/c I know he really loves music. He misses hanging out with his buddy from the office too. He used to meet up with him now again after work and I know that he would give his buddy rides home from work b/c his buddy & his wife only have one car. H calls me on his way home from work & I can sometimes hear a guy's voice in the background. I have also met his buddy before.

I will suggest him come here. I have not mentioned that I am back on MB's but I believe I will do that tonight.

LemonMan -- Hi to you! Hope life is treating you great like you deserve! You made some good points. Maybe it wasn't time for H to come home when he did. He asked me if he could, I didn't initiate it so I thought he was going to give 100% like I was.

What am I going to do about it? I guess that counseling again is a start. Then go from there. Neither of us wants to rehash the past 3 years with a counselor. I'm not ready to go through all of the pain again and he feels ashamed for what he has done.

Jean - I especially like your point #1. He needs to be asked that question again.

I never really pictured a relationship in the future with someone else. I always thought H and I would work things out. I did visit a lawyer once, but just wasn't ready for a D.

H was in a R with an OW who needed "rescued" in his opinion. She was supposedly in an abusive R.


I know what you mean. I have been thinking about that. And the fact that his stomach is knotted up .... is it really ME that is making him feel so awful? or is it something that he has done?

I'm glad I can motivate you!! Now, I need you guys to motivate me! I plan on sticking around.

Just learning - "Are we having fun yet"? Sometimes we do. Sometimes we are both happy and relaxed. But then some darkness seems to creep in. He will playfully tap me on the butt one moment and then give me a quick kiss and a quick good night that sends another message the next. He seem to want to keep some kind of distance between the two of us.


I will try to be more postive. I did exactly that last night and I could detect just a slightest change with H. But it was miniscule. I cooked out for dinner, then we all went to the library together, stopped for ice cream on the way home. I read to DS while H surfed the net(all in the same room) I was upbeat and didn't act needy. This morning I told him I loved him in an upbeat way as he left for work.


Well, what makes me happy is being with my family and having a happy family life. I know things that I enjoy doing for ME -- but don't know if now is the time to pursue my hobbies. I have been told that I need to make sure I also do things that make ME happy. What would happen if I took time for ME to go horseback riding or took a weekly dance class?


SayNoMore - thanks for your post. I do want to heal. But I let my emotions control me sometimes. It wears me out.

When I am at work, I feel great. I am good at my job and my boss loves me. I am confident, well-spoken and you would never know that I have something inside that torments me.

If I could develop that confidence with my R, I think things would be so different.

Again, I am going to try do keep my tears at bay.

Thanks again everyone for your help and guidance.

Kim,

You said
Talk at length to your H about his. This may in fact be a key point. Why have't you gone riding? Are you staying home to keep an eye on him? Even if you are not, he may think so. Let's construct a picture here that is a bit extreme and see what comes from it.

Let's say you don't trust him worth a darn. Let's say you are jealous of him and ANY contact with women. Let's say you feel HE needs to be around to fill ALL of your needs and he wants to know where you are as much as you want to know where he is ALL OF THE TIME.

Now if you were like that, what would it look like to you? More importantly what would it look like to him? Would he feel stifled? Wound he feel a sense of being jailed and held back? Would he feel he had lost his "freedom"?

I am reasonably confident that you are not like the woman I just described, but can HE tell the difference? Can he see you not going riding as YOU sacrificing for the family rather than YOU watching him and not trusting him?

Do you see where I am going with this? I know you know about disrespectful judgements, DJ's. They are often made when one person is afraid to approach another. My guess he fears approaching you on some subject, so he ASSUMES. If he assumes incorrectly, you might get what you are seeing now.

It is time to dry the eyes, and start talking about what he feels and sense when he is around you, and what you REALLY feel and sense when you are around him and when you are not around him.

My guess, his guilt is filtering your actions in ways you cannot see. My guess his filtered view of this marriage is NOT what you see through your filter as the betrayed. It is time to take the filters off, look at the filters, discuss them and even trade them in if necessary.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Kim, i would not offer to spend time ALONE. That is going to aggravate the problem in the marraige. The solution is to learn to enjoy spending all your free time TOGETHER. If he needs a "break" from his family, that indicates a PROBLEM, not a SOLUTION. WHY doesn't he want to be with you? Why does he not want to be married, Kim?

Mainly time I guess....Always seems there something else at home, chores or errands that I need to take care of. I do feel pretty comfortable leaving him here by himself. I do leave the home for periods of time for shopping, etc. I do treat myself to pedicures that type of thing too.


I am sure you are right -- I hope that MC is the first step for us opening back up to each other and figuring out how to get on the right track.

JL - You have helped. I read your post yesterday, and have been thinking about everything you have written.


Melody - I will not suggest he goes to visit his buddy then. He only tells me that he missed some of the things that he "got used to" when he was apart from us. I've not heard him say "I don't want to spend time with the family." He also said that when he was apart that he missed the things we did together.

What I really think is that he is acting selfishly.

I don't know why he doesn't want to be married. I keep thinking through some of the conversations we have had recently. He has said "Sometimes I think you and DS would be better off without me." or "Maybe we'd be better off apart." So, is there a guilt factor involved here? Is it possible that he has a low self-esteem as a result of what he has done or not done? Is there a need for me to make him feel good about himself and build him back up?????

He has not done everything possible to help me heal. And I have many times not done my part.

We did have a nice night last night, went to a nearby attraction to celebrate 4th of July a night early. Had a lot of fun and everyone enjoyed themselves. A stable day for me emotionally.

Kim, if he does not want to be married and doesn't want to participate in recovery, then what is his plan? Is he going to linger on and torture you for a few more years until you are at the brink of a nervous breakdown again? How long do you think you will last under these conditions?

Do you feel like you are in a perpetual Plan A, trying to win him back, walking on eggshells? Because that is what I am seeing. What do you think?

Mel -

In some ways I do feel like I am in a Plan A again. But I also don't feel like either of us have followed a plan for Recovery. I won't let this go on for a few years... Something needs to change soon.

I think I need to ask him - are you really willing to actually participate in recovering our M.

We had MC this morning....It went o.k. It kind of wore me out though. He mentioned that he wants his family, but he also liked that he had "no responsibilities" when he was "single".

Hope you had a great July 4th!!

Take care!

What the hale does he want!?

That is what I need to find out Mel.

I think H & I both felt a little drained from the Counseling session. H, DS & I ended up going out and having a good time playing Frisbee Golf. It's really fun, if you guys haven't tried it before!!

He seems a bit different since yesterday's counseling. It seems like there is some little fire that has ignited within him......for me. Perhaps the counselor made some points that hit home with him.

I still haven't talked to him about MB or whether or not his is planning on actively participating in Recovery.

The counselor gave us some homework to do -- more just thinking about and talking about our feelings more. The counselor did talk with us about Needs. I haven't asked her if she is familiar w/Harley's steps for SAA.

On the whole I feel tons better. Today we went had another fun family outing. H seemed quite happy and we had a great time.

Blessings!