Yes I do feel like the OW in all of this.
We didn't have SF in 2 years bcos I had a medical problem. But in other respects we were fine (well at least that is what I thought). It was towards the end of last year i noticed him becoming distant and not wanting any physical contact with me.

So, if you would not be having sex with him for a few years, then did you pleasure him with your hands or in other ways or did you think he would just be happy to wait?

It seems like to me that the marriage was over years ago and I do not understand why you are so broken up about it, Brown. After not having sex for years or even living with the man for a long time, you should be getting over him by now and starting to move on with your life.

Do you have some ongoing medical issues?

Why do you want him back?

To OnlyU


Absolutely like H and W..ongoing SF..slacking off towards the end there..which started my suspicions...


For a brief while...


I ABSOLUTELY AGREE WITH YOU, ONLYU...Our situations are not alike. This is not a common (affair)situation like I thought it was.

Brown,

This is VERY VITAL information to have left out. Do you not understand how important SF especially to a young man? I'm not trying to blast you about this. It's difficult to understand how come this major problem was not resolved with both of you searching for a solution.


How could you have been FINE, Brown? Sexual intimacy is one of the major factors which makes a marriage special and different from other relationships. Without SF between the two of you, you have been like FRIENDS, IMO..not like the OW...

Well I am sorry that my health became more important than fulfilling my H's needs.
I thought marriage was about being there through thick n thin - obviously i was wrong

Thanks mimi.

As I have re-examined this and asked some pointed questions, I have come to the same conclusion.

Brown,

In the beginning, I was overly concerned about your being hurt, but after pondering on it for a bit, I see that you are conditioned to this existence based on what you have expected from your M and WH thus far. Really a non-marriage.

I'm not so sure that much has changed in your M other than you now know who your WH is getting his SF from and she lives in your home. You and he still have the same R.

I see YOUR plan as continuing the way that you are going because you are still getting the same amount of attention from WH as you were pre-Affair and perhaps one day when he is sick of OW, you'll move home.

Brown, very few people survive in a sexless marriage for very long. Sometimes, if one spouse is too ill for sex, the two come up with other ways to pleasure each other in bed so neither one has to suffer and so they can maintain some decent intimacy.

I ask again, did you and your husband pleasure each other in those other ways when you could not have regular sex? I mean what was the man supposed to do? Did you use your hands or mouth on him or ...something to relieve his sexual tension?

I have pre cancerous cells, I am fighting for my Health and marriage, and it is hard considering my H knows this and still lives with OW.
I came here for support, not judgement.

And Brown...another question. If you were to get back together with your husband, would you be ready to leap into bed with him and make wild love with him three times a week for the rest of your married life????

If not, what kind of marriage do you want, do you need, and do you expect if you are not wanting to have sex or much sex?.

I admire you for fighting the cancerous cells!

So, what about your hands, your mouth, and your kisses, your touches, etc. These are available to pleasure a man with...right?

SEX IS NOT ONLY "ALL ABOUT THE VAGINA"!

For us women, there are 1000 wonderful and creative ways to make love "without" using your vagina.

"I came here for support, not judgement."

No one is judging you. We are just seeing the reality of it. I need to know if you satisfyed your husband in other ways because you two could not have intercourse.

And also, even with bad cells, sometimes condoms are all that are needed and you actually can have intercourse....at least part of the time.

If you were in pain, then using your hands and mouth in bed with your husband can make you both happy and sexually satisfy your husband until you are well again.

How did your husband feel about the "no sex"?

I had precancerous cells, 15 years ago. They ended up removing half my cervix, which lead to my 2nd daughter being born early as i didnt have the 'muscle' to hold her in.
I stopped having SF for 3 weeks after the operation.
What is your health situation exactly?

Brown,
I think you may need to come to the conclusion that you haven't had a M for quite some time. The only thing missing was a Divorce document.

If you and he were only seeing each other about once a week, not having SF, not living in the same house, never having joint bank accounts, he being the only one on the rental agreement, etc., this really wasn't a M.

Did your not having SF for the last 16 months start right when you were diagnosed with your illness? Did your Dr. tell you not to have SF?

I came online to ask this very question.

Brown:

How do YOU feel about SEX? Have you missed it?

I was told by doc not to have SF - there were other complications which i don't want to get into details. We were intimate but he started losing interest in October 07. I was then allowed from November 07 after some treatment but he kept on refusing. We were still intimate until Feb, which is when I found out about the affair. OW moved in at end of March.
I do miss SF a lot.
Even though i was at my dad's - i saw him every day, and we also spent our weekends together.

So, Brown, what about hands and mouths? Did you continue to please him by other means than regular sex?

I am assuming you never gave him a "hand job" or "oral sex".

Am I right, you never gave him these things to replace regular sex for a time?

Brown, I am looking for a reason to help save your marriage. I am looking for any reason you had a VALID WORKING marriage to begin with.

Right now for me, it looks like you never had a real marriage at all and really should let "whatever fragments of a relationship you once had" go with this man.

If we date and meet a man, then we have a "distant" relationship filled with problems and lack of communication and incompatabilities, we BREAK UP!

We do not try and resurrect what is NOTHING to begin with.

I am looking at your marriage this way. If there was nothing there or very little there, then let him go. Who cares if he is cheating, it will help you let him move on and to move on yourself.

In this case, his cheating could be a good thing to improve both your lives by causing the demise of your marriage and helping both of you move on and possibly meet more compatable people to get together with in the future.

Just think, his cheating on you in this case could be a blessing!

Almost everyone wants a partner that loves them and who they can love. It is a human need. I just dont think the two of you can love the other one here. It sounds like you never had the marriage type love that is needed.

So, there could be someone out there better for you or better for him. Can you imagine that? Someone just waiting out there in the future for you who you could have children with or whatever you want in life with.

Brown,

I agree with Stella. It doesn't sound like you had a true M to begin with.

But if you choose to stay, you'll just have the same exact thing you've always had and so far, that has worked out fine for you.

I just don't see how MB is going to help you.