I posted in JFO last night more of a venting post. Other than my word, I have no hard and fast evidence of the EA/probable PA.

How do you even go about exposing to family and friends? In cases where the WS is estranged from family, should I contact them too?

Do you say something like " and I are having some marital problems right now and instead of working on them, he chose to have an affair. I am telling you this because I believe in and want to fight for my marriage and bringing it to light so you don't feed in to it and enable it is important." I'm just confused on how to bring it up - it's not something that comes up in normal conversation.

How do you deal with telling OW/OM's spouse? Same way?

Contact anyone and everyone to bring light to the affair.

The goal and it must be clear in the communication is that you are not doing for vengeance but rather seeking assistance to end the affair so you all can work on the issues within the marriage.

It would be better if you had some hard proof before you expose to her husband. Can you install a keylogger on the computer? Or a GPS in his car? Or get phone reocred?

I would expose to her husband before the race. That will be the quickest way to end the affair.

Most cheaters say unkind things about their spouse. The affair wouldn't be thriving if they talked about how wonderful their marriage was.

What evidence do you have? What has led you to believe there is an affair? Can you give us the background?

Mel,
she posted it in just found out: She was entering her garage and heard her husband on his phone. She stood quietly and listened to the convo, until he started telling OW lovey dovey stuff and was badmouthing his wife to OW. It would be good if that thread could be added to this one.

He keeps his computer on lockdown - all password protected - no way for me to get a keylogger on there. I doubt his racing buddy would help me track his private messages on the atv board he and OW frequent. I guess that's an option though since the buddy owns the board.

His cell phone is in my name but recently decided to get another one in his name to carry on his affair without me having access to phone records. He kept this a secret from me. I found out on my own he had a new phone.

I know they were together this past weekend at a race - OW actually landed in the hospital for heat stroke - he "was so worried about" her and went to the hospital with her...

Yes, I posted in JFO then thought I'd get more traffic here. I've cut and pasted my initial post from JFO:

Back in March my woman's intuition told me to be cautious about a new female friend H had. I let my guard down a little bit because she seemed nice enough, but boy was that a stupid thing to do. See, turns out she and her H are having issues too...and I guess H and she found common ground to start an EA. I just, literally, 2 hours ago found out. I went to the garage to ask H something and I heard him on his cell phone (a new phone that he bought in his name recently). He was talking shop for a bit (they race quads), but I knew he was talking to her. He then started talking about the race they will be attending over the weekend - together...then proceeded to tell her I didn't even say hi to him (which I didn't cause I came home from work greeted by a realtor assessing our house so I was a little annoyed!) He told her how much of a b*tch I was and that my true b*tchiness was showing. Then he turned all lovey before they were about to get off the phone. Saying "are you ok? are you sure? you seem blah? I'm sorry if I confused you." "I really am true in my feelings for you and us." "I want to build a relationship with you." etc.!!

So, I couldn't hold back any longer and broke every LB rule! It struck such a chord and I couldn't stop the rage of emotions. She was still on the phone mind you while I was screaming at him voicing my hurt that he could throw away 11 years for that [insert nasty adjective of your choice here!] He says they haven't gotten physical but they've had opportunities so I don't believe him. He started bringing up all of our issues while I assume she was still on the phone..it was a huge blow-out...he blamed me lots of things...which I know I'm not at fault for because I can't control his emotions..he needs to learn to own them!

It hurts so badly! What's even worse is that I know I am wasting my breath when I try to reason with him...when I said that to him, he threw up his arms and said "well that's it, that's all I needed to hear!" As if anything I said before that was actually changing his mind and I did myself in with that comment! I'm sorry this is long and venting!

He left to get cigarettes but I know he is going to be calling her. Sometimes I think why would it be worth salvaging? why do I want to make this work so badly? espceially after all the nasty things he said to me! UGH! Anyone that's been through it can you answer me that...I feel that there is something wrong inside me to want to work on my marriage...like I'm lacking self-confidence or something by wanting to forgive him and make this better...sigh.

I do wish I found this site 3 years ago - then maybe after H's first EA we could have worked on us properly instead of harboring resentment and ill feelings which have lead to this...thanks for letting me vent - it's calmed me down considerably!

I hope that helps Mel. If not, please hit me with more Qs and I'll be more than happy to elaborate.

Thanks Spins! And this woman is married, I take it? How old is she? Do you have children? Does she?

Spins,
You have a lot of other info in your thread on the Emotional Needs Forum. It would be good if that were over here also. There was some discussion about a past EA your H had, also discussion of likely Porn addiction. If I remember right, you have no children but have been together for around 10 years?

Yes, she is married - but I don't know how long. No kids for her. None for us either - we've been married 6 years and together for 11. I believe she just turned 40 (because I remember her saying when we met in early May that her racing atvs was her mid life crisis). H is 35, and I'm 30 (for what it's worth!)

You guys are soo good here! Yes, in 2005, I caught H in an EA. Our way of dealing with it was to expose it to only ourselves then I guess we kind of swept it under the carpet because we didn't know how to address it. Obviously, we both built up resentment from that leading to a void in fulfilling each other's ENs - especially SF.

H has a very powerful sex drive. He would use porn probably about twice a day on average. He also designed websites for porn as he enjoys photography and videography. He solicited models for his "business". I think he was just looking for another way to feed is addiction.

As I answered to melody - no children (just 2 dogs!) and we've been together 11 years - Known each other for 12 or 13.

So your H has a porn addiction and a very HIGH sexual drive but only has EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS? I find that very odd.

Spins, your first step, as I see it, is to call up the OW's H and tell him about the affair. Just give him the information you have and ask him to look around on his end.

It concerns me that this is his second affair - that you know about. Does he normally spend his weekends away from home without you?

lol, I have to laugh at that because it sounds odd that it would only be EAs! I think this one has been a PA. Who knows if there were others...

Normally, H and I would 8 out of 10 times be together all weekend. It wasn't until he told me he wanted a divorce on 5/30/08 that he started leaving on the weekends.

I have to find out OW's phone number. I have an address but I don't know if it's a home address or work...I need to search. Lucky for me I work in the legal field too so I have access to more than the average joe...

When I found out about this EA earlier this week, I knew that WH and OW had opportunities to be alone and in fact when he "went away to think" a few weekends ago, he must have been with her - so I thought it was a PA (especailly with his "addictions").

Wednesday night, WH told me he as staying at his dad's now vacant house. I wasn't born yesterday and I knew OW was making the trip down from MA to NJ to stay there as well. He didn't deny it when I told him I knew she was going to be there - in fact, he didn't say anything. Kinda looked at me dumbfounded when I told him that he must know what he is doing is wrong because he wouldn't try to hide it from me if thought it was ok. Before he left I told him you know I love you. He grunted something back to me but I didnt understand it. Very early this morning I texted him that I love him and forgive him but not to miscontrue that for weakness on my part because he has no idea how strong of a person I am.

It is a PA now that I have proof they spent the night together. They will be spending the long weekend at an atv race - where OUR friends will be. I don't know what WH has told them about our situation but I surely don't want them to enable this PA!

I took my vows seriously!! My father and sister think I'm crazy because they have both been cheated on and ended their marriages because of it. It's not the type of person I am to give up so easily though. WH says I'm passive, but when I have something to believe in and fight for, I go after it. Pre-A marriage was good enough for me to fight for even if WH is trying to rewrite our marital history!

If they are YOUR friends too...call them. Find out what is going on. If these friends are even slightly loyal to you they will not allow this to go on in front of them. I know that none of my friends would ever allow my H to flaunt his stupidity in front of them. By the way...why aren't you going to the race?

Happy to see you made your way over here from JFO.


Did you do this? You won't get much better than Mel helping you with exposure...one of your best tools to bust up the A at this point.

They are my friends through him...his friends first and foremost though. They are his racing buddies.


Why am I not going? Simply because I am not wanted there plus it's about a 5 hour drive to the race. It kills me to not be at his races - he knows that and probably uses that against me. This is the 2nd one I will miss this season. Also, by staying away though, I allow him to tell his friends whatever stories he wants and that's not right. So I play into this and enable it...ugh!

I found a phone number online, called it, and it had been disconnected. I searched a little more online and found an old email address - I tried that - no response. I think I will write a letter because I do have an address.

Who knows what she told her H to get away 2 days earlier than she would have left for the race. It's possible he doesn't care but just because he doesn't care about his marriage, doesn't mean I should let it affect mine!

It is taking everything in me right now to not e-mail WH asking him how his night was...

Do you have children? Because, if not, you mentioned you have an address of OW's H. So, drive over there? Why wait for the US postal service (assuming you're American). By the time he gets the letter....the deed could be done.

If you have no children...go there!!!

Here's where the water is muddy for me, though...does he believe you two are getting a divorce? Does he still technically live in your home? He may feel he has a 'free pass' if he really believes this is over. Have you been served with D papers? I apologize for prying, but I'm trying to get perspective as to WHY he believes his bahavior is acceptable.

No, I have no children - only dogs. I can take a road trip though I guess.


You're not prying - I'm here for help so no apologies needed! He retained an attorney and I was sent a letter stating that your husband has retained me to begin divorce proceedings. I have not been served with any papers. Wednesday night he packed some thing to stay at his deceased father's empty house and said he'd be back tonight to pack for his race. He left to stay at his father's house because OW met him there. So, I'm sure they shared a nice intimate night...which is why it's taking me all that I have not to hit send on the email I typed to him asking him how his evening was!