Who ELSE could possibly be held accountable for all that YOU do? (shaking my head--OY!)

I'll give you a hint, it's you. Okay, that was the answer, not a hint, but it's just too obvious. Only you.

This is not about your wife and kids. Stop looking to others to be your keeper, and to BLAME for your idiotic, irresponsible, angry, evil choices. They are yours and yours alone.

Seriously, I can think of better, more constructive ways to deal with anger, and cheating on your spouse sure as heck ain't one of them.

Stop focusing on what your wife has or hasn't done. Look only to yourself.

Thank you for the response. I know there is much work to be done. I get that I am accountable for the affairs. My issue i feel is that, I have from day one taken on the responsibility of this marriage. We both work long full days, all that I ask in return is a little help in this process. Since our marriage, my wife has not had to do a stitch and if do not believe ask. She has been well taken care of and her kids. I get that it this sounds like, do it for me before I do it for you. I feel that's where it has come too.

My wife from day one comes home from work and that is it. She doesn't cook, doesn't wash, doesn't. Do I love her, I do just ask for a little assistance. I say, hey don't be upset that I ask for the kids to do there share being that they are full teens at this point. I can only focus on ouc because I do it all already.

So yes, I got tired of asking for the same thing with no result, same ol behavior while everyone else reaps from not only me working but doing everything else, don't believe ask ouc.


Now, is it my fault for not acting in a better way, more adult like absolutely. That's why I am here, to get to the bottom of this and find a point to rebuild, not just me but, together.

I just ask that as the information comes about that it be judged fairly as that you know ouc already and have been dealing with her side of the story.

I look forward to continuing this path of revelation, thank you

Medc, thanks for your straight from the hip comments. First, I will say, I am in this for the long haul. I have committed to counseling and a session with Dr. Harley to see where we are.

Now, I get about the name calling. This isn't some on the job situation or outer world experience, this is my family! This is the situation, I was young marrying ouc and she and her kids just only recently divorced. That probably was a bad start, none the less we took it on expecting for certain things to be fulfilled.

I had no idea that I would have to face this in the beginning. I would I handle be aloud to be called such hateful things within my own family. Get over it, get over that my wife is allowing without regard for my feelings of being hurt. Get over that cps is called and that I am a black man is this family. Yet, I still continue to do what I do, provide. Did anyone think about apologizing to me, never happened.

All I am saying, is that though I have done more dirt than my wife, that there is a level of accountability and responsibility to this marriage than just one person, to grow and nurture.

I would ask that you get the full picture of our family before judging me so harshly.


Again, I here to get the help, do the work that is needed.
I want to for me, for my family and I appreciate your passion in this ordeal and look forward to more discussion.

Dogo1

Dogo,

When we ask repeatedly for what we want and keep hearing the same answers, few of us think to go inside and look at what we're asking and why we repeat.

Until MB, I didn't. I didn't question my asking...I focused on what I wanted, when I wanted it and in the way I wanted it...oh, and the not getting, too.

Posters here helped me to break down what I was asking for and see if I was doing it for myself. I lived from the outside in...I do so they should do. Instead of the way it really works: What I think, feel, believe, perceive, view and act is all mine, all the time.

Made a huge difference in myself and my marriage; even in my parenting. Especially my resentment, my entitlement and how I lacked respect for others, hence, myself.

And why I wanted clean slates in others...where what I did earned me attention...got the results I wanted right away, in the way I wanted it...and how that's fantasy because giving to get/tit for tat doesn't last...isn't workable or real. Not how we're made and harms ourselves. Which is why A's end, why we feel crazy when we keep doing and not getting, and how it attacks and crumbles our real intimacy with our spouses.

We choose our own perspective, our perception, our thoughts and our beliefs. They are choices, not conditions we inherit. Choosing the ones based on fantasy kick our hearts to pulp...and to keep making those same choices over our lives is truly disabling...because we aren't getting our own signals, not loving and understanding ourselves...so we certainly then do not love and understand others.

LA

It's a pleasure, thank you for taking the time.

First off, yes, I do want to be married to ouc no question about that.

I am also am here to do the work and take upon me and this marriage the spirit of Christ.

Now, I would ask that you get a full picture of what is going on in this family, the dynamics I feel play a role.

Don't get me wrong for you and whoever else can see this. I am wrong for what i did, have done to my wife. I am here to do the work to change or progress in and down a better path.

I also during that beginning time was not aware of how severe or the level that my actions were til later down the road with ouc.

My question comes in a form of a comment. I have provided for my family. I have cared for them more than there own father. My wife's oldest daughter is bi-polar, to this day she has not received any help, taken no medication and is allowed to do whatever in the home. That has put me as a person and a black male in a position with the law a few times including calling cps.

When does the family become accountable for themselves. I work full days and overtime right along with my ouc. I come home to doing everything, if you don't think so, I ask. That means the cooking, cleaning, washing, yard work you name it. Now, I am not so vane that I know that I have a role as parent and adult to provide. My issue is, not everything all of the time and I do mean all of the time. You think I am not tired, you think that I just want to curl up. All I ask for is a little help and don't be upset when I ask for it.

I just ask for a little help throughout, doesn't happen. Now also add to that the rest of life. There is no longer her listening to me like before, putting me on tune out status.
Not taking trips anymore, to tired or no money. All while I am still doing my part, fulfilling my duties. I am not naive and know that things happen. I am not asking for my hand to be held, i do expect a level of love and work from ouc and family.


Anyway, in light of this, I have made some highly painful, hurtful choices. Some where in a place of not knowing, then the rest became a place of spite or anger. I know I am wrong, it is not my intentions to hurt or be disconnected from my wife. So, I lay it down here to do the work and get through it, thank you.

Dogo1

Thank you for taking the time.

I completely get what you are saying. I want to work with that, not saying that I haven't been selfish or only about me.

This is what I see me doing or have done for ouc. I feel that I have loved her or been loving her. That I care about her day, her trials. I feel that i show concern whether it be physical or verbal. I provide in many, many facets. I feel as a black male dealing with a bi-polar daughter that I have endured, always risking another confrontation with the law.

I felt that needs are a full time job coming from both h and w. Not just one or the other full time.

I don't say this to excuse my actions, I get the pain it has caused. I just got stuck and now I am here to work through it.

I really don't know where to start it out because I feel there is a history that isn't known? Again, thank you for your comment's and look forward to doing the work and more discussions.

Dogo1

Dogo,

You're getting good advice on the marriage from the others.

I want to help with the racism.

I don't know how old the children are, but I am hoping to offer a book that can talk to the racism for you, in a way that is overwhelmingly rich in insight, and doesn't preach for a single second.

It is a book by Ernest Gaines called "A Gathering of Old Men". It is very easy to read. It is a book about a shooting in the South, and the investigation - every old Black man in town gathers in a home and confesses that he alone committed the crime, and explains why he shot the man. Nearly every chapter is written from the perspective of a different character, and therefore is in a different "voice".

After reading this book, one understands why race is such an inherent and integral part of the thought process, of the Black "condition" in America. While a person might not think they are prejudiced, after reading this book they come to understand that they likely do have threads of beliefs in them that are biased racially, and that it is rife in our society - so much so that we don't even realize it is there.

I suggest that, as a family, you all read this book together. Maybe you could read one chapter a night - INSTEAD OF A STUPID TELEVISION SHOW, for example. Take the 30 minutes out of the day and make the family more important, and read the book, talk about the character, what they thought, etc. At the end of the book, if those kids have any doubts in their own minds about the effects of racism in this society, then that book wasn't discussed at all.

I would venture to say that this book will take YOU on a journey, too, that you didn't know existed. Maybe you will understand yourself much more. Your wife certainly will.


I say this because this book changed my life.

Schoolbus

Dogo,

Stop doing your duties. Duty is what we require of ourselves not on expected response.

When you don't stop doing the cooking because you really do like doing the cooking, then you'll know that your resentment for doing it isn't coming from others...it's coming from inside yourself. Look at what you hold yourself to doing, your duty, and examine it closely...there's a payoff. Thing about humans is that we can do as much to get a false payoff as we do a real one. Only we can tell what's real, what we really want...or not.

You have your own relationship with DSD. You choose your actions in support of her and her situation. When you are DJ'd, what's your first boundary enforcement? Mine is to state, "Name calling isn't acceptable to me. If you continue, I'm going to remove myself while I deal with my anger for you crossing my boundary." That doesn't make her stop...makes you committed to not staying present for the attack, for not escalating (we do this in sneaky ways, too)...and if she continues, then you say "Saying "I'm a <blank>" is abusive. I'm going to remove myself for half-an-hour and I'll be back to resume this discussion." Third time, remove for two hours...even if that means your "duties" aren't performed to their normal schedule. Two hours in another room or out of the house. Up to you. Not her doing it to you...you choosing to really get a grip on why you're taking her words to really be about you when they are not...what we say to others, when we try to tear down (when we feel they are above us), is truly about us. Know this and understand your half to not take inside you (which is a boundary) what isn't yours.

Her opinions are hers...whether they come from broad permissions due to bipolar or not...they remain hers. True for all us humans, 'k?

When you do your real part, and not your role part really well, you will see better what others are already doing in your relationship with them. You've cut out a lot...that was my experience, when I would say, "I keep asking for what I want and you aren't giving it." Because of those three witches (that's what I call them) because I was lying...I wasn't asking for what I wanted; I was asking for what I wanted, when I wanted it and in the way I wanted it.

Narrows our love bank opening so a lot of deposits don't go in. We are blocking them. And if what you really want is for someone to do for you as you do for them, then stop doing what you're doing for them. Stop yourself. You are caught in the giving to get...Dr. Harley does not say to meet ENs so yours will be met. Don't take his concepts as substantiation of giving to get...because then you would also have permission to PUNISH when you don't get, 'k?

That belief has a dangerous flip side. Will you please address this rather than "if they could just give a little I wouldn't do what I do, feel what I feel, believe what I believe..."whatever that is you're really saying? I'm hearing...if they would do I wouldn't do...and that's not real...that totally negates your self, your power...so you will experience repeatedly feeling powerless.

You are not. At no time have you not had choices...no one can take away your choices, in reality. You choose.

LA

Dogo - examine your thread with a clear thread and it reeks of justification and excuses.

You will not experience marital recovery until you take full responsibility, no excuses for your adultery and blaming her for it. Your antics of going straight to OW this last weekend is childish and meanspirited and retaliatory instead of being remorseful for your wrongs against the marriage.

If you want help to recover your marriage, you will no longer take your wife's inventory but take your own. Are you familiar with the 12 step program, step 4? This is not an inventory of your wife's wrongs; only your own. How about it?

Now, I can get down with that. I handle my side and she handle hers. Do I disown what I have done, no, I do not. I get that it has been damaging to this relationship.

What I will say it this, you all probably know ouc pretty well. All that I ask is that you be sure that You have the truth, plain and simple. This is deeper than what is just printed upon this screen from the two of us. Which is why I am very open to the session with Dr. Harley and doing the work.

Don't get me wrong, as being a man, father, husband I messed up on my part. Part of me being here is not only to get help, getting to the thick of it but, there being a full truth being known.

With that, I am ready to do the work, focus on my own one way issues. To work on my crap and be accountable and responsible for what I do in this marriage.

Dogo1

Dogo, how old are you? Is this your first marriage? What do your parents think about your marriage?

...and I'm sure it did only because I realized the scope of what an ow meant. I had no physical contact, my conversations where personal and about what was going on within the family. At that time did not classify that as an affair because I was still providing for ouc. Only later down the road did I accept that was wrong what I was doing.

I feel there are issues on both parts that get to be handled.
I am here to do that work as hard as it may be, thank you for your time.

Dogo1

Focusing on HER will not solve your problem, DOGO. You have continually tried to change the subject to HER and that will not solve the problem. until you take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your adultery, this is quite hopeless. The only person to blame for your actions are YOU and pointing at HER will not solve that.

Nor is it a MANLY way to behave.

I am 36, 29 when we married. No, this is my second along with ouc.

As for my parents, they had doubts and fears being old school. Now time down the road, they have as well as ouc's family have accepted her and I.

what I am saying is that you don't know the full truth, you do not know all only what she has told you, that's it.

With that, I am here to handle what I need to handle. Do I have a problem making sure that this marriage becomes um...affair proof, no. At my core, I love ouc. Do I have issues in how I handle the frustrations or other issues that I feel is serious, yes I do, don't disagree.

Should I have as a man, handled it differently, yes. I know none of us to be perfect in that regard. I tell you though I am here to work on the thought process, the emotions that come up and flow. I ask that you not be so surface, that you see past what is just again being printed on this screen before you.

Ho hum, I've been reading along here. I suggest that YOU work on your recovery and your wife works on hers.

What are you DOING to end your sexual addiction behavior?

I appreciate the book, I will go and look for it. I do believe that there is more to it than we all fail to see or recognize about race, why we feel it or perceive it the way we do. Thanks for taking your time to comment.

I will be here posting as I take this journey to recovery of my marriage.

Dogo1

My thread sounds the way it does because I am hurt. I am suffering pain from ouc as well. You only see her side, her story that's fine. I would ask that you too, know the full scope and depth before being so quick.

Now, as for me, absolutely time to get down to work. Have I hurt her, yes and I am here to do the work. We have done the love busters, ask her why she continues not to do her part in that Yet, I am mine. If it is for the both of us to follow than let it be so. If it is only meant for me to follow, then I stand corrected.

I do not disagree that this outburst, regardless of the hostility or the volatility of it was a crap move. You get no fight from me on that, jammed that up and I get to make up for it along with the rest which is why I am here. I am wrong on my part and behavior, I do get to be accountable for that and what I do further down the road, thank you for your comments.


Dogo1

Ahem, to repeat, what are you doing to address your SA proclivities?

For all of you, I appreciate all the comments. This is not going to be easy. I know this road will be tough and hard. I came here to get that help and open feedback, thank you. I here to open myself up to this group of people which many of you know ouc.

I would say that you know and get to the truth of our relationship.

With that, I say it here, I am completely accountable for my behavior. Should I have found more constructive ways to handle what was going on in our relationship, absolutely. I am not here fighting that what I did is right by any means. I get that it sounds that way. What I am trying to do is express an emotional hurt and pain that I am feeling in this marriage.

I am not one of being able to express depth. I would ask that you see beyond the surface. Push past what you are seeing before you and dig deeper on both parts of this relationship. I just ask that you see it for more than what you see is all.

I am getting back to all of your comments as fast as I can, ask that you be patient. There have been many, many great comments. I have gave them deep thought and for recovery of self and marriage it is lovely. A lot of you are deep in your responses. So again be patient as I make my way and thank you for all of your time.

Dogo1