And I ask that you focus on YOU instead of OUC. You cannot solve this problem by pointing at her. I am sure she does have problems but those problems will not be relevant if you are no longer married because of your adultery. Adultery is ABUSE on the same level as physical ASSAULT or RAPE, and if it doesn't STOP, I assure you the Harleys will tell her to separate. This is why i am trying so hard to convince you of the importance of focusing on YOU and not on HER.

Here is what it will take to recover. Please read this and tell me if you are WILLING:

Rules of Recovery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Requirements for Recovery:

article continued: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=147963&Number=2002600#Post2002600

In short, are you willing to take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to make sure this doesn't happen again? Such as staying off the computer unless she is there?

Dogo, be assured there is nothing "DEEP" about a serial cheater, they are really very simple to understand. They cheat and they do it a lot, it's really that damn simple. A 5 yr old can figure it out. We don't need to understand YOU to understand what it takes to recover your marriage. You are the one who needs to understand.

We understand what it will take to affair proof and recover your marriage and it is YOU who needs to understand this. Do you want to UNDERSTAND and LEARN how to save your marriage?

Are you willing to learn from us and take the necessary steps to do so? WE understand that you are going to lose your marriage if you don't knock it off. Do you understand this?

Dogo - I appreciate that you are hurt.

However, much of your pain is self-inflicted. From the racial wound that you carry like a badge of honor (how long ago was the racial slur - that you have now put on the heads of your step sons, who honor and respect you - I don't think they would appreciate sharing the blame you heap on them that belongs squarely on the mentally ill step daughter) to the soul poison you take in through your eyes on the cable tv, to the relationship you cling to with a marriage destroyer... and how much is lack of domestic support from OUC, and her inability to manage a mentally ill daughter??

If you were standing before your Savior right now, would you dare to justify your porn addiction and OW relationship to him? He has felt your pain - all of it - the self-inflicted and the relationship, so he knows the measure of pain on each. Do you think that fixing OUC's sins will resolve your pain? No. Because you are still sinning in your heart, justifying that sin on the heads of innocent people. Because there is no justification for sin. Not OUC's neglect, not your step sons non-racial attitudes toward you.

Stop your thrashing to dispel the guilt you carry - because there's only one way you can rid yourself of that burden. Own it and turn it over.

Welcome to MB, DOGO.

Like Mel wrote, its really pretty simple. You had a choice, you chose to cheat instead of working on your marriage. Its not THAT deep or complicated to figure out. We all get it.

The first steps for fixing your marriage have been laid out in front of you (Harley's Plan).

Are you willing to follow that plan, DOGO?

Jo

dogo

Seems like you are a thinker, but you like things straight up and to the point.

Here's one thing to think about, that others have put out there a few times that I think they want you to catch. They're a bit frustrated that you haven't seemed to really comment on it, but seem to keep avoiding it.

You only control one person in this marriage: yourself.

That's why folks keep telling you to take the focus off of OUC, and to talk about yourself. To talk about what you are doing, what you are thinking, and what you need to change.

See, you CANNOT change your wife.

You only control one person in this marriage: yourself.

But, the good news is that as YOU change, a funny thing happens.

SHE changes.


But someone has to start first.


Since you're the man, why don't you be the leader? Lead the family in how it's done. Start first.


You have more power to change this entire family than anyone else. You need only change yourself. Now, this doesn't mean that you change to suit anyone else - nope.

It means that you take a really hard look at yourself.

And you identify the things about yourself

that YOU don't like.

And you fix them - in the direction that you KNOW is the RIGHT direction. The way you have known that you should have been all along. And you do it for yourself, because right now you have reached a turning point in your life. You need to fix things. You need to change some things about yourself, and you need to think about your future. A good time to do that is always right now, anyway.


You use the principals and concepts here at the same time to build your marriage.

It's seems simple - and in a way, it is. The very same things it takes to build a good marriage end up being the things it takes to be a good person in general.

Hmmm.


But you cannot worry about what your wife is doing - because she has her own stuff to clean up. Her own changes to make. You need to worry about your back yard, and being the man of the family. You need to worry about what you are doing to fix yourself, to show her your changes, and to worry about what you are doing to lead the family forward in a positive direction every single day with your actions and words.

The rest of this will take care of itself, if you are doing your work. And putting your love and heart into it.

SB

Dogo1 - I don't have the time right this minute to sit and write out what I'd like to say in response to your post, so let me just give you the "Cliff Notes" version for now, and perhaps we can expand it later.

"If you love me, OBEY my commands."

It is a command to ALL believers, not just "one half" of any marriage.

There are ROLES that have been assigned to husbands and wives, BY God

The role of "LOVE" has been assigned to the husband, and you'll have to shoulder that load "as Christ loved His 'bride'."

oUc needs to understand, and get "on board with" (if she isn't), the concept that SPOUSE is "higher than" children. The order is "God, Spouse, Children, Family, others."

No one can "substitute" or "elevate" an "inferior position" above the God-given "order" or there will be "he11 to pay."

Don't believe me? Try ignoring the "leave and cleave" and keep mommy and daddy "ahead" of spouse.

There is NO excuse for adultery, so let's not use legitimate family issues (the atmosphere of the marriage) as JUSTIFICATIONS for committing sin and being disobedient to God.

Want to bet "blended families" are a "problem" a lot of the time? Want to bet mixed racial marriages are a problem a lot of the time? Why? For a LOT of reasons, ALL of which "should have been discussed and addressed PRIOR to getting married." But NOW you ARE married and NOW the problems either get addressed or the marriage will not survive, or certainly won't survive as biblical, Christ-centered, marriage. And if that happens, then one or both of you WILL walk away from God because you cannot walk toward God while in rebellion to Him, neither of you can.


Years of problems will NOT be "solved" in a short time or with " few posts" on MB. The problems cannot be "solved" without addressing the spiritual walk with God of each of you, individually, and as a married "one flesh individual." So are ready to commit to the LONG haul?

Thanks for commenting Believer

I do agree, it is time for working on recovery for me. I have been given some good advice on hear with dealing with that. I also am in the works with getting into either a group or individual counseling. We have also committed to a session with Dr. Harley, sent for his book. We have also started working on the poja, love busters and the other thing that is part of that group.

Thank you again for taking time out


Dogo1

Dogg, would you be happier in an "open marriage" or having a "plural marriage"???

MelodyLane, I have gone to the site, read the rules and am completely on board with doing the work. I also feel that will add some value and depth that didn't exist when we were married. We have ordered the book from Dr. Haley, doing the love buster, poja, love bak and on.

Don't get it me wrong, I know I have committed a travesty. I am here to make amends and recover,I love my wife enough to do so.

I appreciate all the comments harsh, real, deep and on. They all give me a perspective that I have not seen or had.


Dogo1

Stellakat,

I would prefer a marriage with my wife that is open, honest, loving, kind, giving, deep, playful, funny and on and on all with ouc.

Which is why I am here, getting the advice and doing the work or finding the work to do.

Dogo,

Sometimes Stellakat says odd things. I didn't see anything in your posts which indicated to me that you were into open marriage, swinging, or having more than one wife.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you do want only one wife, and you do want to fix your marriage, right?

SB

Dogo, from your point of view, tell me how to keep my husband from cheating on me:


Should I:

1. Give him wild variety filled sex every night?

2. Keep at proper weight and beauty level?

3. Keep clean, be nice, and friendly to him?

4. Never look tired, worried, or angry?

5. Wear cute clothing day and night?

6. There is nothing at all I can do to keep my husband from cheating. If he will cheat, he will cheat even if I do 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5!!!!


So, Doggo, which would help or will nothing help!

Dogo sorry to confuse you. Here is what i meant. Sometimes people who cheat want more than one wife. That is why they cheat. They really want another woman/wife or they want to be free to date and have sex with other women other than thier wife.

Is this you? Did you want to have sex with more than one woman? Did you want another type of wife?

Dogo,

There is an "ignore" button you can use if you choose to disregard a particular member.


I'm glad you have the appointment with the Harleys. That will help you get started. Reading the books will also help.

What were your wife's top 3 Emotional Needs on the Emotional Needs Questionnaire?

Also, have you begun to try to spend the 15 hours a week with your wife that the Harleys recommend? This would be time with her doing fun things, that would be like going out, recreational time, etc.

Thanks Schoolbus, I really want to know this! And make this man think!

If he knows WHY he cheats, then maybe just maybe he can stop it. For good. If he does not know why he cheated, then there is no solution.

I really like ONLYUCAN and I dont want her cheated on ever again. If this man, Dogo can figure out why he did it, then maybe he can prevent himself from hurting her in the future. (And you cant tell me his cheating is it is due to racial slur reasons from her kids. )

MelodyLane,

It is deep for me, I don't serial cheat because I have nothing better to do. I don't serial cheat because I am bored. I have serial cheated because I had what I felt where issues for me that didn't get handled.

Now, here we are and I am here saying I get that it is about me. That I should better control me. That I should better be able to handle me, I agree all the way.

I want to learn a better way of doing life that I have not known before. I am not here to fight, I am here open and honest feed back. I am not denying that what I did was wrong. I don't disagree that there is work that get's to be done. I also have come to terms that at this point, it is about her. You do not know my emotional standing or damage done prior you knowing her.


After being on here, I am not playing down the severity in what i did accomplished. After reading many post, I have come to terms.

What I want to know is what can be done to work on us, and myself. What resources are available through here and abroad from other members. I am here to show that I am serious about doing the work. That I do love her enough.

I do appreciate your passion because I know you speak from your inside. I see a different light other than my fixed beliefs, thank you.

Dogo1

Stellakat,

I do love my wife, I do have my internal reason. Now, after going through this what I can say is that I was wrong. I am here to learn a better way to communicate what my feelings are to her and what my needs are as well as ouc being able to do the same.

I have always felt it is about and always will be communication which I will say, obviously not my best area.

You just keep popping out resources or thoughts and ideas, I will keep posting as to the growth of our recovery.

We have started several things and are putting them into affect.

I am also working on other concepts that per say, celebrate either each week, or month with no contact or other items that were issues for us, just for fyi. Thank you for taking the time to post.


Dogo1

SchoolBus,

Yes we started on the 4th of July working on the 15hrs a week. We have based on our schedules talked about the time broken down for each day of the week and then what that looks like for Sat and Sun.

1. More physical/verbal intimacy

2. Honest and open communication

3. Admiration


So, that Is something that I have undertaken for to fulfill.

By the way, thx for the tip

Dogo1

SchoolBus,

No, there was nothing in my post of the sort. I did reply accordingly though. Yes, you are right, one wife and am here to fix.

Dogo1