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Kim,
I am sorry you are dealing with this, I recently found out of ongoing contact over the last few years with the same OW. It changes your whole sense of reality of this time.
Be kind to yourself, with me the anger, sadness, grief came in waves, not all at once like the first two times.
We went back home over the 4th of July and on the drive there (9 hours) it was difficult. I wanted to ask him to pull over so I could get sick but I controlled it. For some reason the physical aspects of the affair (the PA part happened in 2003) are hard to deal with now. I also am haunted with the times I thought were good between us the last few years and what the reality actually was, he was probably not present and in fantasy land much of the time.
I hope it all works out for the best.
Prayers,
BA
(previously nabohio)
Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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Kim,
I want to also urge you to set up an appointment with a lawyer. They are equipped to handle the business at hand, and have seen many a crying woman in their presence before, I'm sure. I know I couldn't hold back the tears with my lawyer, but she was prepared. She kept her composure, and was very strong FOR ME; she kept the conversation moving forward, took plenty of notes and did take good care of me.
I will be using her in my divorce, you can bet on that.
It's better to protect yourself NOW. You are dealing with a loose cannon who will do god knows what to your credit and any money you two share.
It's okay to be a emotional mess. It's not okay to excuse yourself from protecting yourself and your child, finanacially and emotionally, from further assault.
In MD, where I live, you can set up an LSA; otherwise, i would probably be divorced already.
I'm glad you have seen my thread. There have been a lot of good posts on there, to help me in personal recovery. That thread is my SECOND, started during my last false recovery. My first thread was started in '06, during my first long false recovery. It's been a long road. If the boards linking system ever gets fixed, there is a lot of good stuff in that thread, too.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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How are you doing, Kim??
(((Kim and DS)))
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Hi SL, Jean and BeginAgain --
I had about the type of day I expected. Going through bouts of sadness and crying and then feeling o.k.
I am still going to hold off on the lawyer. The fact is that even though WH has put me through H.LL I still don't want one. What is wrong with me?
No one else in my family has EVER gotten a divorce. That could be part of my putting it off. I will be the first. That makes me sad. I also felt like I would be successful at everything.
I told DS this morning that Daddy wouldn't be coming home. I said that it was very hard for me to tell him and that Daddy was hurting me. That he lied to me about loving me and other things. When it came to the "girlfriend" part I kind of jumped over it. I kind of mentioned it......but in a way that didn't highlight it. I know I didn't do a good job, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about it again.
DS just sat there for a few minutes. He asked "why" and that's when I told him that Daddy was huring me. Then he asked if we could go bathe the dog and went on like it was no big deal.
Later, I mentioned that Daddy would be picking him up for dinner. He said "Pick me up at 5, back at 7" And that was the end of it.
It worries me that he seems so fine with this. I always tell him that he can ask me any questions or talk to me about anything..... I hope he is able to share any sorrow that he might have..
On another note. I did get ONE lock changed. I bought two stupid dead bolts and neither one worked right for me. I was at least able to get the regular door lock changed. All the other doors, he either can't get to or doesn't have a key anyway.
I put a note in the mailbox for WH to get some of the things I had put in the garage. I put a mish mash of things in a TRASH bag(quite appropriate, I thought).
I also put the digital camera he gave me for our 16th Anniversary (last month) with the stuff. I look at it only as a guilt gift. He didn't take it. Oh well, I don't have a digital camera so I suppose I will keep it. He wouldn't have remembered our Anniversary if it wouldn't have been the card we got in the mail from his mom the day before.
He has changed his pw on the one e-mai account that I know about. Stuff never showed up there anyway. Now that I think about it, he has to have one other e-mail account b/c I never saw bill reminders or banking info in the other. Oh well, none of my concern now.
I will have to say though that I am wondering if his OW is married? If so, does her H know about it? That would be the only reason for me to find out who OW is. To make sure that someone else wasn't being blindsided in this deceitfulness.
Well, I'm going on up. Ds is going to camp out with me tonight & I should get him on to bed.
I talked to my parents and told them H wouldn't be coming this weekend. I'll have to tell him I asked him to move out AGAIN.
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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Kim
I know how you feel. JUST keep putting that one foot in front of the other. Keep the lines of communication open for your son. Keep an eye on his grades, when school starts and make sure you talk to his teacher/s to let them know the situation. YOu don't need to go into detail, but it's important that caregivers know about his family sitch. They can help alert you when something seems amiss.
I wouldn't wait too long before calling an attorney, but I understand that divorce is not what you want.
keep dark in Plan B, remove yourself from the drama, lick those wounds and gain some strength. You'll be ready to come out swinging soon enough.
Consider talking to your family physician, to let them know what you are experiencing. You may want to consider meds for the interim, unless you think you can weather this okay. I took AD's for about 6 months last year. It helped with my anxiety.
Keeping busy can help stave off the depression, too.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Hi Kim,
Just finished reading your thread...
I am soooo sorry for the situation you are in...
...you sound much much stronger and better able to protect yourself than the first time around... going to Plan B as the healthiest route to consider and as a means of 'damage control', to name a few... and you are getting great advice...
(((((((((((((((KIM))))))))))
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Hi Kim,
I wondered what happened to you. Every now and then I read here and I couldn't find anything about you, so I figured you had divorced and moved on.
We were here about the same time and I can't believe you are still in the thick of this. I don't know how you do it. I am 2 1/2 years post divorce and this all seems like a lifetime ago. Mine was a "drop the bomb and run" followed by a quickie divorce that I did not want. Now I think I am the lucky one.
I know you don't want to hear it, but there is life after divorce and you can be happy again. Do not consider divorce a failure on your part, you have done all you can. You may not have ever planned on a divorce, but is this the life you had in mind? Is this what you want for yourself? Kim, you are worthy of so much more. Remember, the best indicator of future performance is past performance. Do you really want to be here 5, 10, 20 years from now - again?! You are young Kim and can start over.
As you may remember, I too have a young son, a few years older than yours. I'd be careful with the "daddy hurt me". They are very protective of us and will start to hold back if they think it will hurt us or worry us. I always try to give the facts and try hard not to embelish with my feelings. You can say, daddy doesn't want to be married anymore. Period. Boys need their dads, no matter what. Believe me, they will know what went down.
Take care Kim and be strong.
Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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Kim, here are two quotes from what you've posted. The first is from your last post, the second is from your first post. I am still going to hold off on the lawyer. The fact is that even though WH has put me through H.LL I still don't want one. What is wrong with me? I told him I could forgive him once, but not twice. "What is wrong with you?" Normal human reactions to sin, to betrayal, to focusing on "me" rather than focusing on Christ. But the two statements are mutually exclusive...and one of them has to "go." In the first post you made it crystal clear to your husband that "forgiveness," let alone reconciliation and rebuilding of your marriage, is NOT POSSIBLE. I agree with you. It isn't possible without Christ. But when believers are involved, not matter how much they have succumbed to the "struggle with our human nature, our sin-natured flesh," SURRENDER to God and God's power makes all things possible. But now you don't want a divorce. You can't "have it both ways" anymore than your husband can have it both ways, you AND another woman. Either you are committed to no forgiveness and a divorce, or you have to commit to forgiveness and being married, even IF if means that there WILL BE very hard days as part of the recovery process. The "key" for believers is simple; will you try to do it on your own or will you try to do it THROUGH submission to God even if you have days when you 'don't feel like it'? I asked you earlier on about your husband's faith. Perhaps I should have also asked you about yours. I asked about your husband's faith because the Scripture is clear that unrepentant sinners are NOT going to be in heaven. Why is that? So that each of us WILL "examine ourselves," because the "real factor to consider" is our eternal state, not our present circumstances. I asked because God is also a "God of Peace" for faithful spouses who are faced with spouses who will NOT repent and turn TO God in humble submission and obedience TO God, and THAT is why Jesus granted divorce TO the faithful spouse for an incalcitrant spouse. You DON'T have to make a decision about divorce yet. But you do need to spend time with the Lord, especially with the "Forgive or Not forgive" issue, so that you are prepared to "do things God's way" when appropriate, regardless of how you might be "feeling." Remember, Jesus talked about forgiveness KNOWING that He was to be betrayed by EVERYONE, including Peter, who asked Him about forgiveness. Jesus forgave Peter, and three times He asked Peter, "do you love me?" as part of the reconciliation and reinstatement process. There was also a reason why Jesus "went further" than "simply forgiving Peter." And those reasons apply to recovery of a marriage, AND both the forgiver's and the sinner's "perspective" on what it actually TAKES to "get to" 'Recovered'. Kim, you have the 'right' to a divorce. Your marriage "meets God's criteria." You also have a right to 'not divorce'. The choice is in your hands, from God's perspective, regardless of who might actually "file the papers." And God is also patient, KNOWING personally the emotional devastation of adulterous betrayal. As Peter said, to paraphrase, "I love you Jesus and I will NEVER betray you." But the "battle of the flesh," the lack of the indwelling Holy Spirit, overcame "his will" and he denied even knowing Jesus (just like a lot of WS's say something like, 'we never should have gotten married' when their emotions overtake their love for the BS and their commitment TO that love). God waits on you, and He waits on your husband. The only remaining factor is "what do YOU wait on" and "how long is 'long enough'?" God bless.
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It isn't possible without Christ. People of all faiths are able to forgive FH. It does not require a belief in Christ to recover a marriage. Obviously a believer in Christ would do well to follow His examples and commands...but the above statement clearly states that forgiveness is not possible without Christ in your life....and for some, nothing could be further from the truth. Kim, here are two quotes from what you've posted. The first is from your last post, the second is from your first post.
Quote:I am still going to hold off on the lawyer. The fact is that even though WH has put me through H.LL I still don't want one. What is wrong with me?
Quote:I told him I could forgive him once, but not twice.
"What is wrong with you?" Normal human reactions to sin, to betrayal, to focusing on "me" rather than focusing on Christ.
But the two statements are mutually exclusive...and one of them has to "go."
In the first post you made it crystal clear to your husband that "forgiveness," let alone reconciliation and rebuilding of your marriage, is NOT POSSIBLE.
I agree with you. It isn't possible without Christ. But when believers are involved, not matter how much they have succumbed to the "struggle with our human nature, our sin-natured flesh," SURRENDER to God and God's power makes all things possible.
But now you don't want a divorce. You can't "have it both ways" anymore than your husband can have it both ways, you AND another woman.
Either you are committed to no forgiveness and a divorce, or you have to commit to forgiveness and being married, even IF if means that there WILL BE very hard days as part of the recovery process. The "key" for believers is simple; will you try to do it on your own or will you try to do it THROUGH submission to God even if you have days when you 'don't feel like it'?
I asked you earlier on about your husband's faith. Perhaps I should have also asked you about yours.
I asked about your husband's faith because the Scripture is clear that unrepentant sinners are NOT going to be in heaven. Why is that? So that each of us WILL "examine ourselves," because the "real factor to consider" is our eternal state, not our present circumstances. I asked because God is also a "God of Peace" for faithful spouses who are faced with spouses who will NOT repent and turn TO God in humble submission and obedience TO God, and THAT is why Jesus granted divorce TO the faithful spouse for an incalcitrant spouse.
You DON'T have to make a decision about divorce yet. But you do need to spend time with the Lord, especially with the "Forgive or Not forgive" issue, so that you are prepared to "do things God's way" when appropriate, regardless of how you might be "feeling."
Remember, Jesus talked about forgiveness KNOWING that He was to be betrayed by EVERYONE, including Peter, who asked Him about forgiveness. Jesus forgave Peter, and three times He asked Peter, "do you love me?" as part of the reconciliation and reinstatement process. There was also a reason why Jesus "went further" than "simply forgiving Peter."
And those reasons apply to recovery of a marriage, AND both the forgiver's and the sinner's "perspective" on what it actually TAKES to "get to" 'Recovered'.
Kim, you have the 'right' to a divorce. Your marriage "meets God's criteria."
You also have a right to 'not divorce'.
The choice is in your hands, from God's perspective, regardless of who might actually "file the papers."
And God is also patient, KNOWING personally the emotional devastation of adulterous betrayal. As Peter said, to paraphrase, "I love you Jesus and I will NEVER betray you." But the "battle of the flesh," the lack of the indwelling Holy Spirit, overcame "his will" and he denied even knowing Jesus (just like a lot of WS's say something like, 'we never should have gotten married' when their emotions overtake their love for the BS and their commitment TO that love).
God waits on you, and He waits on your husband. The only remaining factor is "what do YOU wait on" and "how long is 'long enough'?"
God bless.
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Quote:It isn't possible without Christ.
People of all faiths are able to forgive FH. It does not require a belief in Christ to recover a marriage. Obviously a believer in Christ would do well to follow His examples and commands...but the above statement clearly states that forgiveness is not possible without Christ in your life....and for some, nothing could be further from the truth. Your opinion is noted, MEDC. According to the Scripture, ONLY God can forgive sin. We can forgive actions that impact us, but to "forgive AS God has forgiven me"? Not possible for anyone who has not themselves been forgiven BY God. It's sort of like the "log in one's own eye" sort of thing. Now, why don't you offer YOUR advice and comments to Kim and I will offer my advice and comments to Kim, and KIM can decide what "makes sense to her for HER situtation and HER life?" If YOU want to discuss "Forgiveness in Christ" with me, I will be happy to accomodate you on another thread, not by way of you attempting to hijack Kim's thread.
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Kim, your boy needs to know the full facts. You don't do him any favors by not telling him, except to cause more confusion.
If you just tell him "mommy and daddy are having problems" he is going to grow up thinking that its ok to kick your spouse out when you have some minor problems. He needs to know what it was that his dad did that caused so much grief it led to a separation. If you don't tell him the truth, his dad is going to tell him something alright. And it won't be flattering to you. He will spin the story like he spins it to you.
Good to see you here, Shattered!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree 100% Mel.
FH...thanks, but "no." I stated my opinion and don't feel the need to discuss the topic any further with you.
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Is there a Christ thread?
My sister was beaten to death at 45 by her very abusive husband. I could tell you the whole story, but it is sad. Short story is that she stayed all those years due to her faith in Jesus. Her ministers all told her to stay that Jesus does not forgive divorce. Catholic, so she stayed "until death did part" at his hand no less.
What is the truth? Where can I go?
W 46
H 45
M 24
D 23 S 19 twin D's 17
DIA 06/08
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I left you a response on your other thread.
Unfortunately, people are often times mistakenly putting themselves in harms way or staying with an abuser because of horrible advice regarding the "religious" aspect of their union.
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My sister was beaten to death at 45 by her very abusive husband. I could tell you the whole story, but it is sad. Short story is that she stayed all those years due to her faith in Jesus. Her ministers all told her to stay that Jesus does not forgive divorce. Catholic, so she stayed "until death did part" at his hand no less. WifeEWSII - Medc is Catholic and divorced. Jesus GRANTS divorce to a faithful spouse due to "marital unfaithfulness" of the unfaithful spouse. God forgives ALL sins for those who believe in Jesus Christ. Abuse IS "marital unfaithfulness" and the "ministers" who told her to stay are the same ones, apparently, who don't think Priests who abuse children should be "kicked out." There ARE also consequences for sin, not "excuses" for unrepentance. I am very sorry to hear that your sister endured such abuse and what it cost her. For the record, MY opinion is that there is NO excuse for physical abuse just as there is no excuse for adultery. BOTH are "not allowed" by God. What is the truth? Where can I go? You can go to the Scriptures. You can ask specific questions and get responses based upon the Scripture. What is truth? God IS truth. HE is the authority of what is true, not the mere opinions of "Man." God bless.
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Medc is Catholic and divorced. FH is wrong. He knows I am not Catholic and haven't been for over twenty years. MEDC WAS Catholic and divorced (in fact at the suggestion of a priest).
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First and foremost Kim, I wanted to let you know that I have read your thread...remember you well...have wondered about you, and will be saying prayers for you and your DS...Bless both of your sweet hearts...((((((((((KIM))))))))))... Kim, about this... No one else in my family has EVER gotten a divorce. That could be part of my putting it off. I will be the first. That makes me sad. I also felt like I would be successful at everything. You know Kim, sometimes success does equal divorce...As a fellow Christian, I'm sure that you also believe that our purpose here is to serve God...Could you really serve God to the best of your ability while living in this kind of abuse? God granted divorce to BSs...Kim, do you think that God would grant you a clear path to take if He considered that path to be "unsuccessful"? He loves you far too much to lead you astray...I know that for sure! Either you are committed to no forgiveness and a divorce, or you have to commit to forgiveness and being married I do not believe it is an either/or situation...I believe that Kim can both rightfully divorce her husband due to adultery, AND IF her husband repents and ASKS her to forgive him then she can...(Actually, as a Christian, she is commanded to forgive him under that circumstance)...However, forgiveness does not mean that there must be a reconcilliation of the marriage... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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I am Catholic and divorced. My Pastor, as well as the priest who married my XH and I (he is a very close friend of my parents) both advised me to file for divorce. The Church does not unequivocally insist on "till death do us part," If they did, there would be no need for the provisions in Canon Law (the "law" of the Catholic Church) for annulment. I think that it is VERY VERY unlikely a Catholic priest would instruct a parishioner that they must continue living with an abusive spouse. My experience (my family has a large number of friends who are priests and nuns) has been that, if they do not advise on divorce, at a minimum, the will tell the abused spouse to remove themselves not from the marriage but from the marital home.
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Adultery can be such a potential jackpot for the devil if he gets a BS who does nothing. Just think of the potential: nervous breakdowns, suicides, lost, orphaned, profoundly confused children, etc. Women who spend years in Plan A, trying to attract back an unfaithful spouse, for example, suffer nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder.
Children are corrupted by the immoral behavior of the WS and taught that wrong is right. They are trained to be cruel, selfish little liars and cheaters OR to be abuse victims like their BS parent. The devil must dance with glee at the prospect. Adultery is like a buy one get free special for the dark side! He can take down an entire family for the price of one!
Unfortunately, Dr. Harley's plan interferes with all that fun by giving the BS a PLAN to remove herself/himself from the abuse before she is dragged down into he11. Sure, it is not perfect solution, but it beats the alternative, which to stay around and be beat into submission and insanity. It beats exposing the children to the spectacle of their only sane parent doing nothing to protect herself and teaching them to grow up to be abuse victims.
I bet the devil HATES Dr Harley.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No one else in my family has EVER gotten a divorce. That could be part of my putting it off. I will be the first. That makes me sad. I also felt like I would be successful at everything. I've been thinking more about this Kim...I strongly suspect that your WH realizes that very thing about you and has exploited it in the worst possible way for years now...that is gut wrenching and very sick... Kim, please take care of you... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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