My wife left me a little over 2 months ago. she has not been open to reconciliation or counceling. but, we have been talking and we were kind of working things through. but i just found out yesterday that she drove to california this weekend (we live in Nevada) and picked up an "old friend" and she has brought him back to her apartment. since then she won't return my calls or anything. I know that she still loves me. we just had some problems that we need to work out. the process was slow but we were working things out. then there was this complete up-ending. I am not ready for this marriage to be over. I know that we could work things out. for us and for our 2 year old. anyone out there been through this? she is not willing to work things right now, and she now has another man in her apartment.

anyone?


i guess i should have added more details. we will be married 5 years in september and have been together for 6. i am 27 she is 25. we have one beautiful daughter that is 2. she is living with my daughter 2 hours away in another town.

Hey bdhinferno,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You have found the right place at MB.

Have you read through the materials here?

Charlotte

Welcome to the club that we wish we weren't in...you are not alone brother. You will get some great advice here.

bdhinferno,

Sorry you find yourself here, but you come to a very good place for some sound advise. Not myself perse, but plenty of others.

You said: your w moved out two months ago. Let me guess, she "needed time and space to figure things out."

Codeword= I need a safe place to carry on my A with OM without your interference.

Look deeper, this A has been going on for probably 8-9 months behind your back.

Who has custody of your two year old? Did she abandone her child as well as you?


Who is OM? What do you know about him? He is now your enemy, and you should make every effort to know everything about him. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer!!

Need more input from you.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I wouldn't be surprised that your WW was in at least an EA with this california guy before you two split.

she hadn't been back to California (where she is from) for a long time. she wanted to go back for vacation. she wanted to take our daughter and her mom over there to see the sights and visit some old friends. she said that she wanted me to go, but this was the only time that her mother could go so i told her just to go have fun. she didn't say that she needed space to figure things out. she just called me the day that she was supposed to be home and told me that she wanted a divorce and that she was in fallon (which is 2 hours away where her mother lives. bam just like that. then the next week i had to go to a convention in Reno, so she took the liberty of getting a uhaul and coming back and cleaning out all of her stuff, all of my daughters stuff, and anything else that she wanted. she has my daughter and hasen't let me see very much of her. we have finally worked on that and my daughter is coming home with me for a week. this other man is an old friend from her home town. he is divorced, and by looking at his my space page he is filthy. he is a big time womanizer. it is amazing because he seems to be everything that she has always detested wrapped up into one. he is a leach. i don't think that she left me for him in the beginning, but he saw his opening and has been spending the last 2 1/2 months wiggling hin self in.

i am reading through the materials right now.

Ignorance got you to where you are now, her's and yours. Reading everything this site has to offer is a good start. You should read Surviving an Affair and His Needs - Her Needs.

The new daughter, emphasis on her raising, initial infatuation declining as it always does, dunno how you handled it all, and wife decided she was no longer in love. She hasn't a clue that infatuation isn't real love. She will learn and unfortunately at the expense of her dauther and you.

If the guy is really nasty, it won't last six months. That may be too long for you to wait.

Larry

I know you don't want to believe it but your wife IS capable of beingthis duplicitious.

Women do not up and leave on a whim especially with no warning - she wanted you on the holiday as well right?

She has been carrying on this affair for some time.

Have you done any snooping? Checked on her phone records?

Have you exposed this OM to friends, family, clergy? Anyone who can influence her behaviour?

How is she paying for this little "love nest"? Are you sending her money?

Have you read the infidelity FAQ's here on MB?

There's a bunch you can do but you have to make this affair not quite so much fun for your WW.

You have to take immediate steps to protect your daughter and your relationship with you. This is no joke. You're being setup by your W in a game many men lose because they keep hanging on to the hope that the W will wake up and come home.

If you permit your daughter to go back you will have very serious problems with custody.

She left. Your daughter stays. Her home is with you. There is no debating this for you unless you want to find yourself without a wife AND without your daughter.

You want a big slap of reality for your W? Get a lawyer and slap an emergency custody hearing on her with an order that the child stays with you.

This isn't something you should do to slap reality on your W. It's something you need to do to protect your daughter and your relationship with her as a father.

Do not expose your daughter to this pig your WW is shacked up with.

You have rights. The child's home is with you.

Do not quiver in fear because your W will get mad. You must act NOW! I'm emphatic because you're being setup in a sad game I've seen played out on these boards over and over again. I'm also telling you this as a man who has lost his kids doing exactly as you are doing!

My WW needed "time apart to heal". And she up and moved with our kids to another state. She's now shacked up with another guy and has moved AGAIN away from me with the kids and is trying to keep me from them.

You are in a stage where you can cement your rights as a father and protect this little girl from your wife's selfish behavior and her insanity.

You must stand up and protect your family and your marriage and that means that your daughter stays in the marital home with you. If WW wants to run off and shack up with another man then she can do so without your daughter.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you get a lawyer TODAY and file an emergency hearing to have this child stay with you in your home. Your rights as a father and your daughter's own safety from pigs like this online guy are at stake. This is no joke and I'm asking Mr. W to jump in here with an opinion. He's a lawyer and can tell you how critically vulnerable you are to being hosed as a man and as a father unless you act NOW!

I am also concerned about your daughter. How big of a loser is this other man that has moved in with your wayward wife? There are predators out there who look for women with young daughters.

You may feel somewhat frozen right now and in a state of shock. But I agree that you need a lawyer today and a hearing in front of a judge regarding custody of your daughter. Your daughter should be your primary consideration right now.

Do you have knowledge of where to find a good child welfare attorney in your area?

Print and save anything you can regarding this loser and his on-line profile. Save any document that you can that shows that your wife is shacked up with him.

Do a quick search of this loser to see if he has any criminal record and record related to children.

bndhinferno - listen to, and then go do, what pom said.

I know it hurts, it hurts all betrayed spouses, and I know it feels confusing and desperate.

Recovery is NOT an option right now, so you can "delay" any decision about whether or not to try to save your marriage.

For now, your wife has already chosen to end the marriage and take your child from you. NOW you "do what is necessary" to protect you and your child from her selfish, self-centered actions.

For now, she thinks she can do what she wants to do with no consequences for her actions, other than hurting you, and she doesn't care about that.

1. Get an attorney and FILE right now, file for Cause.

2. Get a PI and DOCUMENT the affair.

3. Expose the affair to everyone who has a right to know what is going on, family, friends, her employer, etc.

Get ready for the "fight of your life" because your wife will react to all of this with great anger about "what you are doing to her." Nevermind that it is all of her own making and that NONE of it would be happening if she had not chosen to be an Adulteress.

Your "objective" right now should be 1) to protect your child from exposure to such incredible selfishness, 2) to destablize the affair so that the "fog" can begin to break and she might be able to begin to start thinking about all that she is doing, and 3) prepare for the legalities of divorce to protect yourself and your child from her.

Do those things NOW.

A decision to reconcile, if that turns out to be what you want, can wait until later.

I'm seriously asking you to please heed our warnings. These warnings come from people who have been in your shoes.

You don't need to file for divorce. You do need to file a protective order.

This is no joke.

You must enact a plan immediately and this should be:

1. Protect your daughter and yourself legally. This must be done NOW! I can't tell you how critical it is that you react immediately. Why? Because if your WW is gone for 6 months, then her residency is established in that new state and you will find yourself fighting a mom biased custody battle across state lines. You have a 90% chance of losing because you are a man, unless you act NOW! You let things stay as they are and the law will protect her. They will say the "status quo" is that child remains with mom. They'll look at you and say, "if you objected, then why didn't you file something?" or "why did it take you so long to act?"

These aren't things I'm speculating about. These are direct quotes from my attorney who knows exactly how men let themselves be hurt by the system.

2. Expose: Once you have the legal protections in place you must expose to everyone and their mother.

3. Expect anger from your WW. She will say things like, "We had a chance, but you ruined it!" and "How dare you! You have no right to do what you did!"

I know a man who had his girlfriend run off with his kid to another state. He went into the courthouse to get an emergency order to have the child returned to this state. He sat in the courthouse in tears begging the judge for action and refused to leave the courtroom unless something was done. He was surrounded by cops and was threatened with arrest but he stood his ground and kept begging in tears to have his child returned to him in this state.

Guess what? The order was given and he has full custody for his children from two different women. He reacted at a critical time and protected his children from the crazy behavior of their mom's who were thinking with their nether regions and not their brains.

YOU must be this guy and YOU must be Papa Bear to protect your cub.

I can't tell you how critical it is you act now because the window is small and you will end up fighting a custody battle accross state lines if you do no act now.

so far my daughter hasen't been exposed to him. when my wife left for California she left our daughter with her mother. she got back late on monday night and asked if our daughter could stay that night as well and then she would pick her up the next day. my mother in law found out that she had brought somebody back with her (through her other daughter whom my wife had confided in) and she called me to tell me and talk about a game plan. we agreed then that my daughter shouldn't be exposed to this. so, when my wife came over the next day my mother in law asked her if my daughter could stay there until i come to pick her up on friday. my wife agreed without asking any questions. she still doesn't know that me or her mother know anything about this person coming home with her. when she goes over there to see our daughter today her mother is going to confront her for the first time on this.

So again,
what is your plan related to your daughter. Have you spoken with an attorney? Have you completed an online background check on this other man up to see if he has any criminal record? What will happen when your mother-in-law confronts your WW?

I am really glad to hear that your daughter has not yet been exposed to this OM. But what is your plan to ensure she is not exposed to him? Have you printed his on-line stuff that indicates that he is a bad actor?

How can we help? What is your plan?

Go get your daughter today! Before your wife gets there. Once mom confronts her, your wife may just decide to take your daughter back to her place.

I have an attorney already. I am going to talk to him next week. I don't know how much of a background check i could do on him. I know his first name and the town that he lives in and that is it. as for my mother in law confronting her she is going to try to do it gently at first. her first mission is to try to gather info, what little my wife will give, so that we can go from there. as for printing his online stuff who would i be printing this for? i have already seen it, and my wife has as well. all of you have helped a bunch already. all continued advice and incouragement is greatly accepted. for all of you out there that are Christians please pray for me and everyone else in this situation. the more the better.

i can't go right now. if i did then i would loose my job. the earliest that i could get over there would be tomorrow night. i have thought of this and I am praying that all goes well.

Sorry you have to be here BDH but it is a good place to be in your situation.
I would not risk any confrontation with your WW by you or your MIL until your DD is safely in your home. I don't know much about the law but that just seems like common sense. You are lucky to have your MIL as an ali.

Please listen to all of these good people. Most of us have been to H*#^ and back in similiar situations. Don't tip your hand to anyone until you are holding your DD in your arms in her own little room.

God's Blessings,

Say

If I follow you, your marital home, and the home your daughter lived in, is in Nevada, while your WW has now relocated with your daughter to California.

If that's so, then you must keep in mind that, under the jurisdiction laws for child custody, the state of the child's prior home retains jurisdiction for 6 months. In other words, any court petition for custody/visitation must be filed in the home state during the 6-months after the child was relocated. After that, jurisdiction is in the new state. So, if you want to file a petition, and do that in your home county, you must do that within the 6 months after they moved. Otherwise, you'll be travelling to California.


Once again, an example of a WW who cannot resist a "bad boy". My WW's OM was a parolled ex-con, a convicted felon drug-dealer, living in a dumpy trailer court. She said what attracted him to her was the sexual hunger she saw in his eyes. She said she hadn't seen that look since her early teen years, in the eyes of her brother before he raped her.