The final paradox is this I think : It is NOT what Squid does in the PRESENT that causes this grief. Its what she did in the past. because of that I do not think anything she can do now or in future will remove them from me. She cannot unF*ck OM.
MyRevelation and I had a rare agreement a few weeks ago when we were discussing this topic. we agreed that a BH better get a taste for sh*t sandwiches if we are to recover successfully. THAT is what I need to acquire now. To learn how to overlook the facts of the past that cannot be changed.
BP,
Every now and then I have to RE-learn a lesson that no matter what the subject, with more time and experience, I will gain more insight and perspective.
The farther along this journey that I go, the more I see myself being more in agreement with you and others that I fought so hard against becoming one of you, but the fact is ... I AM a BH, and I struggle with that label daily ... he11 HOURLY!!!
I seem to be experiencing a lot of the same things that many talk about around certain anniversary dates, as I am quickly approaching D-Day + 1 year.
There is something that goes against my very soul to have to ACQUIRE a taste for [censored] at this point in my life, but like you and Squid ... I LOVE FogFree more than anything, even after what I have endured.
If I take a step back and look at our situtation rationally, I do see a MUCH better future with FogFree than without her, and she has truly earned her "F"WW status, and has developed quite a instinct for helping me through these times with just what I need.
FogFree and I were discussing this very topic the other evening, while sitting on our deck at the end of the day, and we both agree that certain parts of our M have greatly improved through this, but their are certain parts that are changed/damaged beyond repair, and I am still in the grieving process over that aspect. We really did have a good M pre-A, and even with the progress in some important areas, both of us would gladly return to the pre-A days, "IF" we could just turn back the hands of time and make this just go away.
I suppose, like you, I just tie a knot in the end of my rope and hold on, while I reluctantly acquire certain "tastes", and learn and grow from my experiences.
Recovery SUCKS, but in my (and your) case, it beats the alternative.
