This last week with H and the kids away has been so peaceful. I know I can't change the past, but I think if we had separated in the beginning, I would have been able to heal on my own and then reconnect with H with a lot less strife. I'm guessing. Could be totally wrong. I'm very glad to be where I am today.

But oh, man, after a week of peace like this, any LBs are going to be so obvious to me, and I'm going to SQUASH them like little annoying bugs. Not get sucked in, second guess what I'm doing wrong to cause them, no. Regardless of how they got there, they need to go find another house to infest, because they're not coming back here. Not just eliminate, EXTERMINATE those nasty LBs!

I'll invite H and the kids to have fun with me, too. SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH!

I can so relate! I keep asking for H to take D17 and go away, and I judge my happiness based on how much time I have away from H, sad as that is. And I know exactly why. It's the negativity. Now that D17 has started calling H out on his negativity, it's become a big pink elephant and really bugging me. So alone time is probably my number one need at this point. I hope you get to have a lot of great relaxation and accomplishments!

I'm flying out to SoCal to meet them tonight. I did get a lot of relaxation from the negativity this week. My accomplishment was simply to take a break, LOL. I cleaned up as I went along, and my house looked great all week. For me, someone who used to have such a clutter problem. I cooked healthy, even when it was just for me. And exercised. Felt so healthy

H's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm back home; he's still away. I took off work to go out there last week for the 4th of July holiday instead of this week because DD12's busy with camp this week, but we all had off last week. Any suggestions for something meaningful to do for him for his birthday while he's away?

I was thinking of sending flowers, but he's complained that was too expensive in the past. I hinted to him about getting him an LCD TV, because he's been drooling over them for a long time now, but he said he wants me to wait until he comes back instead of buying something pricey while they're away. I was thinking about making him a nice photo album, but I don't know if maybe that's more of a girl thing than a guy thing? Any suggestions?

What other things are near and dear to him? My H is a romantic, so his favorite gifts revolve around me setting up romantic weekends at B&Bs or something like that. I otoh am practical, and all I ever want is things to make my house look better; anything else is a waste of time. The way my house looks is my 'thing.' What is your H's 'thing'?

What's his love language? Do something that focuses on that. For example, I'm not big with physical gifts. I'm much bigger with physical touch, followed by recreational time and acts of service. That kind of stuff has a lot more impact with me.

The X used to buy me big elaborate gifts (TV, an expensive watch, etc...) and I'd freak out over the expense.

I think movies and music are his thing. I get him music CDs a lot, but he doesn't listen to them. I do know a few movies he likes to watch over & over.

He asks for clothes, just feels like I've already done that to death, KWIM?

His top love language is acts of service. I detailed his car last year, but he said that it was time to change his oil and they were going to detail it, anyway. It didn't make the impact I thought it would. He gets me such thoughtful stuff that I'd like for him to have that experience, too.

Yeah, H doesn't like the expensive part, either. I am trying to think of something thoughtful that doesn't hit'im where it hurts LOL.

Do you guys have computer video cams? Or just regular video cameras or digital cameras?

For the past couple years our Canada/US school year has been such that I have to come back here for the first week in the fall semester, then fly back and we all drive back together over Labor Day long weekend. Dontcha know, my birthday falls in that first week. H has been getting a cake, the complete storebought birthday cake with candles, and videoing the kids singing Happy Birthday to me and blowing out the candles.

And then they eat it.

LOL I don't have my cake and I don't eat it either!

I know your kids are with him right now and not you, but maybe you could make a video for him, with you singing Happy Birthday with a cake and candles... you could even make it x-rated if you like! Or like Marilyn to JFK? Or like a scene from a movie he likes? Like how several sitcoms feature a GF dressing up like Princess Leia(sp?) for the BF.

You could have a cake delivered, maybe with balloons, if he likes that sorta thing.

My H is very hard to buy for. Basically if he doesn't pick it out himself he won't like it. I don't understand it, but I've accepted that he really does want just what he asks for, no surprises. Do you think your H really does just want clothes instead of something special and surprising?

If that may be the case, then how about purchasing what he asks for (clothes) and include some zero-expense special surprise (like a video you make).

Music is never a good idea IMO unless you know intimately what the other person likes. It's just way too personal and internal. For men, things like electronics are that way too. We enjoy doing the research and anticipating the purchase. When someone else does it for us, it's almost a net loss because the experience surrounding it has been taken from us. Put another way, how would you like to receive a new wardrobe that your H picked out and bought. Even if it all came from Neiman Marcus? Isn't that something that you'd rather do for yourself?

I hear you saying that you want to give him the kind of experience he gives you when he gives you a gift. Strangely, I kind of hear you projecting your own desires onto him though. Please understand that we appreciate things that you might not understand or "get". It might sound thoughtless and cold to you, but to someone who is pragmatic, it is incredibly thoughtful because you're allowing him to make his own choices.

A gift card for iTunes would make more sense if you want to get him a music gift. Or a gift card to Best Buy allows him to do either music or electronics. Or... A gift that addresses the experience, if that makes sense. I like cars a lot and follow racing. One year for xmas, the X got me lessons at a national racing school. We converted into a vacation to Nor Cal. We spent some time in San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma, Carmel, and then Monterey where I did the racing school at a historic race track. It was a great gift. Definitely one of the better attempts.

Seabird, I keep forgetting yer a guy! Yes your take on gifts seems like my H's. He enjoys doing the homework. He doesn't enjoy the surprise.

Y'all all really are from a different planet aren't you? It's a wonder any of us get along! Vive la difference or some such, eh?

At least for my H, Seabird's suggestions of a gift card or an experience is great. The one time that a surprise was successful, I booked a night (before kids) at a local "theme" hotel without telling him; I took a basket of chocolates, fruit and wine, and balloons, and put it in the room first; then I took him to the local "adult toys" store and told him to pick out some stuff, then I made him put on a blindfold and drove him around and ended up at that hotel. That evening a limo took us to a dinner theatre, and returned us to the hotel.

Something like that would have to wait till he got back though, obviously. Maybe you could send him an I.O.U. or gift card telling of what you have planned.

Um... Uh... Was that a compliment? Cuz I'm not so sure, so I thought I'd ask...



Hotel=sex= good gift

kinky/strange/new sex=really, really good!!!
There's always a catch.

LOL!!!!
I thought it was quite a good surprise myself

[quote]There's always a catch. [quote]

ROFL!

Actually H enjoyed it and we've discussed going back, just there's never time... hmmmm.... you don't think .... naaaaahhhhhh.

No really, it was a mystery type thingy, we all sat around one table, about 20 folks on a really long medieval table, and one of the "guests" turns out to be a "magician" or something and does all these tricks in telling a stoy about a mystery. Or something. I've forgotten the details, but I think it was called "A Knight's Tale" or something.

There were trap doors and secret mirrors and smoke and tricks etc.

Besides... there WERE all the toys waiting back in the hotel room! With a huge jacuzzi tub in the middle of the room...

Thanks for the help brainstorming!

Thanks Seabird for clarifying about the fun of picking it out. I like to shop, but I think it would be really cool to get a new wardrobe of clothes my H thought were pretty as a gift Because I would view it as an addition to, not instead of, what I would buy LOL.

Wow, jayne, I like the idea of a video e-card. My laptop has a webcam, and I just tried it, easier than I thought!

I would be really hesitant about the hotel and sex toy thing. We haven't tried sex toys, and I don't know how he'd feel about that. Maybe back when I had my before-kids body LOL. I've lost 20 pounds and two dress sizes and still going, but I still would feel nervous about grossing him out. But that is a great thing to keep in mind for next year, when I'm at my goal weightwise, maybe he'll find that interesting

Knowing H, I think he would really like the iTunes gift. I just went to the site, and I can buy it online, it will email it to him, and then he can download the music or movies to his computer.

I think I got it... it's like feeding a tiger raw steak vs. a live gazelle. Sure steak is good, but the hunt is a large part of the fun, am I right?

Ears, I think the iTunes idea is great.

With the sex toys store, they have massage oils and other "tamer" things too. I understand wanting to wait until you feel more comfortable about your body. And I'm sure you are getting there!!! Maybe treating him to a sensual massage could still be good in the meantime. Just a thought, for future reference if you needs ideas.

I'm glad you are enthusiastic about finding something good to give your H for his birthday!

I like the sensual massage idea, too

Close. Let me expand the analogy a little more. Try feeding the tiger a gourmet meal of beef medallions in a mushroom and herb ragout, along with a side of garlic mashed potatoes, and sesame green beans.

Might sound like a great meal to you, but the tiger? It's not really what he wanted.

Okay, that makes sense. Kind of like taking the fun part out of it, the anticipation.

I am glad to say that H really liked the gift certificate and the video card. Thanks for your help