Just an apology for the wall of text.
I'm 33 years old and married to my 31 year old wife. My wife is beautiful, smart and my pride-and-joy. We have been married for 7 years now with no children. We are highschool sweethearts. We both have successful jobs and seemingly look like a perfect couple in many aspects. I have told my wife numerous times she is my best friend. I remember a time when we got along perfectly pre and post marriage. Of course we had our ups and downs but something drastic has happened. My wife has undergone a gradual and subtle change over the last few years. She has become distant and reacts in what I would call a "cold" manner towards me. Sex has never been something my wife has excelled at, but in the beginning it was manageable. The longer time went on, the more infrequent the sex became. When asked about the problem, my wife would say it was just her and that maybe something was wrong biologically. The more I pressed the subject, the more angry and resentful she became. She would say things like "that's all you want from me". Granted when men pressure women to have sex they can feel this way...my problem is that 2/week for sex was the max frequency which it occurred and never more than 2 weeks in a row. Lately it came down to sex maybe once/2 months. I consider myself a patient and considerate man, not one to ask for sex unrealistically. I was more hurt that she seemed to be disinterested in intimacy rather than I was not getting my needs fulfilled. Eventually I felt so frustrated and rejected I pressed her until she talked. My wife says that she loves me "like a brother" or "like a friend" but not like a husband. This revelation has devastated me to the point where saving my marriage has consumed me. We have started marriage counselling and during the first session my wife said that "I'm a great guy" and she does not know why she is feeling the way she is. She also revealed that she secretly wished that I would have cheated on her so that she would have a reason to be angry with me. What my wife has said started a circle of emotions that has slowly started to make me crazy. I love my wife more than anything....it is the reason I commited to marriage. When asked why she committed my wife said "I thought my feelings would change". The fact that she has committed to counselling is promising to me. The things that she has told me in the last week has made me so depressed, I almost quit my job without warning in the first 2 days of my grieving phase. Thoughts like "what if she didn't really love me in the first place?", "I should have seen the symptoms earlier and acted on them....why was I so blind?", "is there truly any hope since she obviously she has been feeling this for some time?". I feel rejected, weak and as if my world has been turned upside down. I feel this treatment is not fair since I have been asking her to express herself for years without success. Therefore I also feel used. These are very harsh emotions due to the way I formerly felt about my wife. I felt if everything was going bad, at least my wife was there to support me. When asked why she is not taking it as badly, my wife says that she has been grieving for much longer and therefore it is not as severe for her. I feel that I should be stronger, but it hurts me so much. I cry frequently during the day. When I look for comfort from my wife she says that she can't go through a therapy session every night with me because "she will go crazy". I just feel alone so here I am. I need support or advice.

I hope some of the vets will come along with help. But I have to say that I see a couple of huge red flags that your wife could be involved in an affair, either emotional or physical and maybe both.

When a woman is sexually interested in another man, it pushes hubby to that dreaded back burner of "brother-like love".

Also, her comment that she wishes YOU would have an affair. I know of no woman who has EVER wished her husband to be unfaithful, unless she was unfaithful, at least in her heart. It is usually a ploy to lessen her own guilt by forcing you to share guilt.

Have you seen any signs that she might have interest in another man? Does she have a lot of unexplained time away from home? A lot of time on the phone or online?

I hope I'm wrong. There could be other things going on, but adultery is at least one possibility.

I have suspected an affair for a long time. Every time I ask my wife about this she says that she is not. I agree that there is every indication that an affair is going on. I suspect it might be emotional and my wife won't admit to it. Either because she does not know what an emotional affair is or does not see an emotional affair as cheating. She says that it is highly insulting to her that I would even suggest an affair. I don't think it is physical if there is something going on. Either way I don't think it's constructive at this point to continue down that accusational path. My wife seems to react much better when I keep things positive so that is what I'm going to do for now. Perhaps she just wants more reinforcement that a marriage commitment is the right decision. I believe in order to do this I must train myself to point out all the good things in our life...and to lead by example rather than throwing out accusations. On a positive note I threw out a great big hello when she got home from work today. Although she looked at me crazy, I got a big smile from her. It is such reactions that give me a sparkle of hope. I massaged her feet because I knew she had a rough day. I am going to try my damnest to make this transition on our lives a positive one, even if it comes down to separation. It's not how we fall, but rather how we pick ourselves up off the floor that defines our character.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, FB...

I'm really glad you found us and sorry to hear why you're here.

KIR is right on in the affair red-flag department. There is another one in your post I'd like to point out...

The heart-hearting statement of "I thought my feelings would change" is what a wayward spouse does we call "rewriting marital history" here.

To find out if she's having an affair, you don't ask. You don't accuse. What you do is obtain the truth independently. You check cell phone bills, emails, go through your head about coworkers, groups she may belong to (recreationally or clubs); you talk to her friends and family and to your own family.

There's a formula I share from a great MB poster named Gimble:

An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

I call it a formula because it's true that a spouse can get "foggy" from this formula without actually being in an affair with a person--it's when the partner creates and nourishes their own resentment into entitlement...you'll hear "I want to be happy" as a goal, for instance. The resentment along blocks out sharing her stuff (thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective) with you.

Which is why you can't get her to tell you she's having an A. Please do not try. Even if you need to hire a PI, independently verify if she is or isn't...because with resentment, you can be in love with it enough, through lack of respect, to compare you in her head to a ficticious man in the future; still feels real, feeds her resentment today, and generates a lot of fog.

You say you asked over the years for her to express what's on her mind, in her heart, what she believed and experienced. I hear you saying she chose not to--so she blocked intimacy. Have you gone over all the Love Busters Dr. Harley describes on this website? Think about what you HAVE heard her say...annoying habits, wanting you to read her mind correctly as feeling loved or not wanting you to mindread; if you withdraw when you feel hurt (or mindread).

These LB's are laid out so well, they cover just about everything. Think about them in terms of what she may experienced as an LB...and then read the Emotional Needs and see which ones you think are her top ones...best guesses count.

Have you read The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman? If not, please do so, along with Dr. Harley's His Needs, Her Needs, as soon as possible.

Is your MC versed in Dr. Harley's guidelines for great marriages? There are free questionnaires on this website for the ENs, the LBs, and one I think you will like right away, the Recreational Inventory...because Dr. Harley advises at least 20 hours plus per week of Undivided Attention (UA) together, and I experienced breaking down my own resentment best in playing again together...sharing new experiences (the inventory is marvelous) together...which is how we came together originally.

Sounds to me like you're already doing your own Plan A...please do it with respect to self and to your wife. By that I mean, do listen and repeat, so when she spews from her resentment, you listen, repeat what you heard, and hand back her stuff as hers. I know you wanted to know her stuff for years...hearing it now may hurt a lot...you already nailed how you were hurting yourself with your DJs in your head. Don't go there. Be present respectfully to hear and understand, not to take on her perspective. She's got your truth and you have your own. The truth is actions.

Get to know the difference. Resentment/entitlement stamps down all loving feelings because you stop acting from your choice to love your partner. It was your choice all along--and acting from our love gives us loving feelings.

Not the other way around.

Stand for your marriage, FB...act from your choice to love and do not do the relationship talk except at a scheduled time for 20 minutes a week. Period. The rest is listening, striving first to understand, then be understood...it's knowing her new again...for all of us are new every day...and in marriage, when after seven years we are where we do not know where we end and our partner begins (natural enmeshment), getting where you believe and act as the separate and equal humans you are is important.

As for you creating resentment...in my experience, the love affair with resentment comes long before we meet our mates...comes from our family of origin (FOO). Might give you some clues as to what you're really dealing with--because Plan A is about bringing reality...which includes if you do discover an affair, exposing it. The goal of Plan A is to bust up the A so your partner can establish and maintain no contact, go through withdrawal, and begin working on the marriage.

If there isn't an affair (and you prove through all your creative ways of snooping there is not for sure), then consider calling the Harleys for counseling. Dr. Harley says there are three states of marriage--Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal. Since the formula works to throw up humungous walls, a deep Withdrawal is more harmful than Conflict is...don't take anything lightly, 'k?

Also, is she a member of classmates dot com or some other reunion-esque site? Be sure to check out old BFs and even those from high school who reconnect.

Please know you are not alone. We've been where you are, felt crushed and alone, and we really were not. So many on this forum are at different stages of what you're experiencing right now. We do save our marriages...by standing for them. By self-examination and not owning what isn't ours...and being sure to know what is ours and doing amends.

Eliminating your LBs is the first step, I think. For every 20 love deposits you may make, one single LB withdraws that many. Snooping is not an LB...sharing your stuff isn't an LB, either. In the fog you may hear a lot of stuff that isn't real...up to you to find the kernel of truth and be careful not to swallow the rest of it, 'k?

You're here and striving, FB. Give yourself kudos and take heart...you are half of the marriage. She's the other half...equal power and limits, 'k?

You can do this.

LA

Trying hard. I brought my wife out to eat at a restaurant that I knew she liked. Trying hard not to make withdrawals from LB, although it's hard at times as she likes to provoke me. The hardest part is putting in 100% while she seems to just be lethargic about the whole thing. She is making an effort, she is just not working as hard as I am. Maybe with more LB deposits I'll get the response I need.

As far as snooping, I've done my share. It's a little difficult since the only email she uses is through work with a password, her cell phone is through work so her bills don't come to the house and she spends alot of time at work at the same time I'm responsible for my work. I'm really starting to think that she became emotionally withdrawn from me, which in turn manifested as the classic signs of infidelity. Her disrespect of my needs was a cry for help. However at the same time she was not open with her needs or feelings...and like you said it's hard to mindread. The blame can't be laid on one single person as I have ignored the signs. Even though she doesn't beleive in counselling she is aggreable to it....the single strongest sign that she wants to make it work.

Thank you for responding, FB.

Yes, it does sound like you're limited to snooping in the most obvious ways.

You say she is working when you're working. Is there any time you leave work that you could go to her work, like on lunch, or on the way to your work, and take flowers? A favorite muffin or coffee?

Where you begin popping in at her work twice a week for a love deposit drive-by? That gives you presence at her work as her husband...and a small act of service (which can make big deposits)...think of things she liked when you were first dating...speak her language.

Also, gives you an opportunity to see her car in the lot, possibly? Even if you drive by, through, without stopping? So like after work, when she works late? Sometimes with A's at work they walk out to the car, talking...

Going to lunch together may take a lot of work on your part...something you might consider doing though, to sync once a week or once every two weeks?

I'm thinking of the companionable time...like you did taking her to a restaurant...stop kicking your own tushie by measuring her response...focus on your own acts...to be present with her, aware, not an agenda to get to do/think/feel/believe anything.

That's part of Plan A...which seems apt while you independently seek the truth...because our acts of love help our own love banks when the usual deposits aren't being made. Protects our weaknesses...no mindreading, no assumptions...and to kick those to the curb, no expectations.

Any mutual couple friends who might help you if they are related to her work?

I'm glad you're seeing the balance in how you got to this point right now...not all her (her withdrawal) and not all you...it's always half and half, I promise.

Since she spends a lot of time at work, I am thinking this might give you the best opportunity...and may require getting relatives or friends when they are near her work to jog through it on their way...not through the building, 'k? I mean more eyes open...A's really can't be hidden when we're looking.

Also, think about mindreading (not really love, comes from fear) and blame...have to take it, can't be given...and see if removing those from your thoughts and beliefs may help relieve you right now of deep fear. You're on the job! You're active and aware...that's fantastic, FB.

You can check her work cell if she brings it home...no, it's not as great as seeing a bill, still, you can check it when she's not looking...check the call logs, missed calls, see if you can determine the few numbers called a lot. I think you can even see in some models how time duration of calls.

This can be a good indicator, especially if she takes calls at home and walks away, into another room or outside to talk.

Have you downloaded and seen the Recreational Inventory yet? Getting in those hours of Undivided Attention (UA) per week is super important. In crisis, make it 20 hours minimum..which means more creativity...more new experiences together, 'k? You can plan, offer what you've come up with and not base your feelings on her response.

You can share your excitement, curiosity, playfulness, 'k? You have it in you. Share more of who you are, your stuff...and listen and repeat when she speaks.

Don't look at her signs to see if she wants to make it work...because she's with you right now, she's choosing you and she's going to MC, too. Ask the MC about those communication (verbal and non-verbal) exercises...they can be part of the UA time.

Stay very, very present and aware. Give your energy to creative ways to be together, play together, connect without R talk, and to find out the truth regarding an A. Get enough sleep and eat healthy foods to up your energy (when you get drained the LBs are harder to not do).

LA

Thanks for all the great advice. I truly believe that I am seeing positive results. My wife never really was high maintenance and I think a little goes a long way. I think it was the trait of low-maintenance that got me so distanced in the first place. That is why the revelations that my wife gave me was like a freight train hitting me. It's actually kinda fun to start a semi-courtship over again...and the fear of losing her is motivation enough to keep me focused. I just need to concentrate to never lose it again if I do indeed get her back fully.

I want to put aside the affair issue and talk about restoring your marriage - from what i understand there are 2 things that you need to take care of immediately:
1. Your wife's lack of satisfaction from your marriage.
2. Your wife's lack of respect towards you.

What would i do?
I would start spending more quality time with my wife, making her feel that i truly want to understand her and i truly want to know her needs.
I would take her out once a week and declare this time as our quality time when i m whole there for her.I would buy her flowers once a week and make an effort to compliment her at least once a day about something i liked about her that day.

As far as the respect thing goes - i would try to understand what does my wife see as important and who does she look up to and try my best to fit myself in that spot.

Just my $0.02

Good luck.

Scipio, he can't restore the marriage if he puts aside the affair issue, if there is one. If there is an affair, it is the greatest threat to his marriage, so naturally, he has to rule that out first. And if there is an affair, he needs to know about it so he can do what he can about it.

Do you have any experience with adultery? What is your experience with Marriage Builders? I would point out that this poster is here for help with his marriage using MARRIAGE BUILDERS principles.

Had kinda a rocky day. My wife went to the marriage counselor by herself this week as it was the mc's advice for her to go alone this time. My wife revealed that the mc advised her to seek a MD for anti-depressants. My wife states that it will be weeks before she can see an MD due to work....which is a lame excuse in my opinion becasue she is making time once a week for mc. I really wished that she would get chemical help for her sake and ours. I think she does not want to own up that she is having real issues with depression. My wife was obviously depressed today. She verbalized her disatifaction with her friends and anxiety over a board exam which she is awaiting the results of. She cried and slept alot today. When I would try and comfort her, she would be cold once again. When I asked her why she kepts putting up barriers she states that "it just doesn't feel right" as she is the main problem I am unhappy. Which is not entriely correct...I am unhappy because she is unhappy with me...get it? I tried to convince her that doesn't matter...when I see somebody that I love hurting, I will put away resentmeent in order to help the person in need. This didn't seem to help things, as my wife has this "you are such a better person than me...I just suck...I am the problem" attitude lately. Do you think that her issues could be primarily mental illness related? I starting to see a strong link with possible mental illness as being the prime nucleus of our current hardships. Just FYI her brother is a chronic manic depressive and her uncle is currently in a mental facility seeking treatment for suicidal ideations.

Has your wife said to you "I love you but am not in love with you?"

That is basically what she is saying.

I m sorry for being misunderstood - I didnt mean not to deal with the affair, but there were enough good tips on the affair thing so i thought to give another angle.

Counselling left me emotionally drained today. My wife revealed that she does not fell passion towards me anymore. Guess I pretty well knew this but it slices like razor when you actually hear it. I have stayed focused and optimistic, while she is still failing to meet me halfway. Guess I have to keep my chin up though. I can't force her to love me, but I have to not give her any reasons not to.

FB,

I understand you're drained and cut at the same time.

I wanted to share that I said those same words to my DH five years ago. Do you know what my lack of passion for him was about? It was from my own resentment, built into entitlement from a lack of respect. I blocked my own passion, appreciation, connection and love...and pointed at him doing it to me.

Please don't take the bait. Not real. Her passion for you was always hers. Take heart and re-center yourself (skooch a little to your left), breathe and know you don't control her stuff right now, 'k? She's blocking you.

Feel your own passion for your marriage, for experiencing a thriving, committed, connected one in your future.

Stay alert to her patterns...depression can be anger turned inward...sure would block a lot out, wouldn't it? And keep checking for any online or real life attachments...don't let yourself down...you're seeking the truth for your marriage.

Love is there...just blocked. Believe it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. You're not alone.

LA

Wow Loving, you have had such words of reason in my time of trouble. I just want you to know that I truly appreciate the time that you take and your input. I'm hoping that this conflict will actually help our relationship and make things better. Worse case scenario we can bail before we hit the iceberg. My parents are ultra realist and are hinting that I should bail before I go crazy. I'm definitely more right-brained so I need to find some truth somewhere in the middle. Do you think speaking with her mother would be a good option? My personal feelings is that it would help me understand the situation better but would be seen as an act of desperation by my wife. I think that lack of respect is fueling her fire so I the last thing I want to do is seem weak and pathetic at this point.

I wouldn't talk to her mother. It will be viewed as you trying to recruit her mother to your side, and she could very well resent you for that.

Have you hired a PI yet to see what she does when she's not around you? Where she goes at lunch? With whom? Many affairs take place on lunch hours.

Everything seems to be pointing in the same direction. As much as I want to believe that she isn't having an affair, nothing really makes sense to me anymore. Guess I need to hire a PI. I'm off work Friday so I'll look into it then.