Introvert, thanks for the backup...

Now I recall a 'lil of why I stopped hanging out on this site... I know there are a lot of very raw emotions when dealing with this, but attacking me when I'm asking for help isn't very helpful, now is it??

As far as dating goes - my 2 cents - Don't do it when you're married, interested in getting married, or attempting to stay married... but once you've decided that life has to move on, get to it. If you've decided to get on with life, it is probably the most effective way to get on with it... (but definitely not the easiest...)

And attacking my now ex-girlfriend? She happens to be a very incredible person, one that I will regret not having in my life should I attempt reconciliation with my wife, but I know that keeping any form of contact with her will be a no-no. She's no snot-rag, or anyones doormat. We both started dating with our eyes open, and she's handled this far better, and with more maturity and logic than I dare say anyone here ever could, esp based on some of the posts.

I know this goes against MB principles, but one person cannot save a marriage... but they can certainly prolong it, dragging it out ad infinitum, at tremendous emotional, physical and financial expense. But when you reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, you have to take responsiblity for your own happiness.

I would love nothing more than for the Haitian guy from the TV show 'Heroes' to sweep in, suck all memories of the past 2 years from both mine and my spouse's minds, and allow us to start working on our marriage from that point. But thats just not possible.

Anyone out there that has actually gotten through this? Anyone out there that is with their spouse post-affair that is happier, more satisfied, more content with life than before? Or is it going to be a continual look over the shoulder, examining cell records, emails etc for the rest of my days?? Thats what I want to know, is it possible to get over and beyond this to better times??

So can we stop attacking, and start supporting and advising?

Settle down Introvert. You are not alone in your beliefs but others are also correct. I am in the D process and dating AND also preaching MB principles everywhere I go - bizarre, huh? I do not consider myself married and only use "stbx" to remain consistent with others on this site. When I refer to him to people here, I call him my XH. I have no intention of letting him come back. I'm sure FLB felt that way when he began dating his GF. And I don't believe FLB (or myself) are having affairs and that the GF is an OW. The relationship began when FLB was done with his M AND it occured in the open, not in secret. It was/is probably a rebound relationship, but not an affair. He wasn't cheating because there was not marriage to cheat on.

But here's where others are correct. He's facing a new dilemma in that his WW may actually be seeing through the fog finally. Perhaps 6 months ago he couldn't imagine letting her come back, but now he's seeing signs of the woman he first fell in love with and married, long before the fog. But since he has started to date, he's a step further away from the ideal. It could be an insurmountable step. I doubt it since WW knows about GF already. But it is an additional step.

I think the fact that FLB is having confusion over this means that he still has too many strong feelings about his WW to be moving on to a new GF. But strong feelings are not enough alone to recover his M. I believe what he is asking is just how much effort, time, stress etc., is required so he can decide if he really wants her back that much.

I wasn't attacking him. I was advising him to dump the GF and have NC with her. Then, once he's had NC w/ the GF, he can decide if he truly wants to try things w/ his WW again. Having the GF in the his life just complicates things more than they need to be.

FLB, I was here one year ago trying to help you. I'm trying to help you now. I'm not trying to attack you. However, you haven't moved on because you are still married and you are considering working on your marriage again. Drop the GF from your life completely. Go get some individual counseling or counsel with the Harleys and think things through

Also, the whole dating while your married still is not healthy for you, and it sends the wrong message to the kids. They need at least one parent to be stable and show them the way to live their lives.