You're a funny man!! Recovered? Me and Hicktownmommy? We're working on it but not quite there yet but thanks for the vote of confidence.

Ok Schoolbus do you KNOW my H? That was one of the best postings I have ever read. You put my thoughts down so perfectly...thanks.

Wow schoolbus you have read a lot into the little I have posted.

At least you kind answered my original question I appreciate that. Never said I was recovered now did I? Which is the reason for the original question.

All the other stuff you posted is interesting to say the least. Bit judgmental I would say which seems to be par for the course here for people that have strayed. So I will not take it personally.

I would not be here if I thought things were "Peachy". I get good information from this site, matter of fact I recommend it highly to anyone I know. Married or not.

So, you gonna answer the question about why it is that you can be so vain in saying that "you stayed for the kids"? What exactly did the cheating Father have to offer the betrayed Mother and the betrayed children that made them so priveledged to have you stick around for their sake?

Hu,

I appreciate the vote of confidence also, but as Fiori states, we're not recovered at all. I am five months out from the role of BS in a d-day of a 3+ year LTA. I don't know if I will ever feel "recovered."

I think that recovery for me means that my H and I are both living happily and productively together. We will always have challenges because that is part of marriage, but I will consider us recovered when the joys outweigh the pain...I think.

hu,

So now that I have vented and 2X4'd you, I will talk about recovered marriage.

I live in a recovered marriage. It is sort of like being a recovering alcoholic I supposed - it is more of a process as opposed to a finished product.

Our marriage, like all others, is continuously evolving. It was evolving before the affair, and continued to after the affair, and will evolve until one of us dies.

Yours is the same. All marriages are the same in the sense of changing every day, and over time.

It is the very reason that affairs happen, in a sense. Because we live closely together and the changes happen slowly over time, we become enured to some things, unaware of others, used to this or that, ignore little things, enjoy lots of things, and neglect many. Time does that to relationships. We get so that our relationship becomes a pattern of sorts, but over the long term, the patterns ebb and flow, and ultimately even the patterns change. We start seeing things as "the same" or "boring", or "settled". Even though the long term reality is that the patterns are changing - evolving - very, very slowly.

So we can fall into the trap of not meeting the needs of the spouse, actually fall into being "too comfortable" with the other. We take it for granted that the other person is happy or comfortable. Or we get too distant, because our habits and patterns just take us so far out of the life of the other that we become very separate from one another.

That's when affairs become possible, because another person can step in and become able to meet our needs - become part of the life of one or the other, because we are too separated and too needy. The OP fills the gap, or the boredom, or the need for change from the day-to-day sameness.

So what does a "recovered" marriage look like?

We alter that tendency to "sameness". We learn to recognize when we are working into complancency, and we actively do things in our lives and relationship to combat that tendency.

For example, we make sure that we have recreational companionship activities within our lives at intervals sufficient to break up the doldrums. We go fishing, ride motorcycles, go out for dinner, go for a walk with the wolf we own, swim together, build things with wood, or play practical jokes on the neighbors. My FWH actually took dancing lessons - that HE scheduled - and he has always sworn he never wanted to learn to dance. Turns out he enjoyed it.

We make sure to meet the needs for sexual fulfillment, and are sure that both of us are satisified in ways that are mutually enjoyable. We also make sure that variety and excitement is added in to ensure that patterns are avoided.

Needs for conversation are met - and we look to movies and books to share together so that we have things to discuss in depth. We might attend a cooking class together (RC) and then subscribe to a magazine for gourmets and talk about the articles in it, for example.

Take a look at the EN's list, and figure out what you can do for YOUR WIFE that might build her up. I'm sure you can figure it out. It will involve you doing some things you don't like - but you will find that you might actually enjoy doing them because you are doing them with someone you love.


We do things every single day to be sure that we are AWARE of the marriage.

This means you THINK ABOUT BEING MARRIED, and what it means to you. And you do it every day.

In fact, if you had done this before your affair, the affair never would have happened - because your time and emotional investment would have been in your marriage. You build equity in what you invest in. You will be surprised at how your emotions turn around when you start putting your sweat into your marriage, and your effort into your wife's spirit.

We are going out tonight for dinner, probably. I can usually count on a Friday night date with my FWH.

I get to dress up for him, and he always tells me I look beautiful. I believe him when he says that now. Because he means it.

He has invested. He puts credit into my bank every day.

We think about our marriage every single day, and are sure to think about it tomorrow.

That is what it means to be in a recovered marriage.

Your marriage, hu, is not recovered. Please read the 2x4 to understand why. Read your earlier posts to know that you have work to do, and why your commitment to your marriage - and to your wife - fall short of the mark. Your own words tell you where you need to work.

Oh, and my FWH just walked in and asked me out on our date.

SB

Back to the originally scheduled programming....

I'm pretty new at this (hu, I get a lot of 2x4's for just being new and offering an opinion, so stick it out man...lol), but I think that the word "recovered" is a pretty big stretch for any of these situations regarding infidelity. I've always wondered this as well (glad you brought thi up, hu), because I've always looked at it as "trying" to "recover", because I think of it as like an alcoholic trying to shake his addiction to alcohol. An alcoholic is never really 100% "recovered", because just one drink and his/her whiole life could be upside down again. Same thing with infidelity...if you are the BS (or even the WS or OP for that matter), ten years from now you could have one trigger, one image, one mistep....and, boom, back into the thick of things. I think that it would be a HUGE mistake for any couple that is in "recovery" to say that they are "recoverd"...in a sense, that would pretty much be against MB principles anyway...no?

schoolbus


That is the type of information I was looking for! Beautiful description!

THANK YOU!!!!!

vain?? I gave my original reason I did not leave, because that was what I almost did. Believe it or not I am a good father, did I make a mistake yes. Did I betray my wife yes. All things I will fully admit.

What do I have to offer the desire to keep a family together and to work on my marriage to be what it can be.

hu,

I said you think things are "peachy" because your posts tend to focus on YOU.

I don't see any appreciation of your wife's pain.

You say she's doing well personally.

I think that viewpoint is, at best, naive. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and not say you are completely devoid of the ability to empathize.

The first post was intended to grab you by the collar and shake some sense into you regarding her pain, and to help you see that your idea of her being "recovered" anytime soon is a pipe dream.

And that the idea that she is doing fine is ludicrous.

I hope that you read my second post to you, because it addresses your question regarding recovered marriages.

I also find it interesting that you ignored the fact that I do see you capable of growth.

If I didn't think you had a shot at it, I would not have bothered to post at all. I don't tend to waste my time. I'm still here. It's okay that you're mad. I expected that. You have the same pants on to get glad in.

SB

Well of course we should blame the OP; it takes 2 people to have an affair after all. The OP shares the blame just as the WS. Not misplaced at all. When someone crawls into bed with a married person, they are to blame for their actions. The OW knifed your wife and child in the back just as you did.

gotta go.

We are off on the Harley to dinner.

FWH is meeting three needs:

RC
Conversation

And fooooood!!!!!!


SB

schoolbus, have fun on your romantic date! don't put out for free!!

hu, I bet your wife could greatly benefit from this forum and I hope you send her to us. I know you are pretty new in recovery, and we could help that along.

To put things in perspective for you, hu. There are a many people here that have been in recovery for years, and are now happily married again...but, they still refer to it as "recovery", not "recovered.

Yet, we have a fairly new member who is a recently BH. He thinks that he has already slayed the dragon and "recovered" with his WW, because he kicked her out of the house for 6 weeks to "punish" her...clipped his nose hairs to become more attractive, and has women lined up "just in case".

Opinions vary, that's for sure.

Introvert,

I enjoy your posts more and more! You are growing. It is evident but introverted you are not. (:

God's Blessings,

Say

Sorry for the itty bitty TJ

Hello HU,

May I ask, what steps have you taken to compensate your wife for your betrayal?

Jo

Schoolbus..
Great times tonight! I bask in your infinite wisdom. I hope you don't mind, but I cut/paste your posting about recovering and have printed it for my H. I know he'll enjoy your perspective too.
Thanks.

HU,

People here sometimes try to tell others what recovery means.

But quite honestly, no one can define recovery but the two of you together. When both of you are satisfied together, on each individual’s terms, that your M is safe and is actively being protected from anything that will hurt it (which includes EN’s being met), then you're probably in recovery.

Your recovery may be different from others here and we don’t have to agree with what that is, as long as the two of you do and are truly happy in it.

Blessings.

S&C

A bit judgemental? A bit judgemental? OMG, that is RICH. Whatever were you expecting? A pat on the back?

Ok, now I've got that out of the way I just wanted to say to you Hu that you would be very, very wise to listen to everyone here.

FWIW, you can see under my name on the side my start date and my (huge) number of posts but you can't see that I'm a FWW. But I am.

Any questions?

I posted this on Medc's thread but wanted to put it here for Hu because I hope he comes back and starts listening.

"Tell me how many of you ever finished dating someone before you found someone else? Everyone finds someone else before they move on you learn that lesson from middle school on. To believe people turn that off once you get married is silly at best. That is why people become WH/WW or OM/WW. It is what you have done since you were 12. Forget the argument of people grow up, that is just as silly as putting faith in morals"

Er, actually, not me, nor my H. And I'm the FWW. The only person responsible for an A is the wayward person. Oh yes, I did all the blaming of my H in the world when I was first out of my A. My H, who was not responsible in any way whatsoever for my A.

Putting faith in morals? Most people do. Every day of their lives. An A is an immoral act in anyone's language. Even at my very foggiest I knew I had behaved immorally. Yes, I see myself as a moral person. I don't lie, cheat and steal in my real life but I sure as heck did when I was having an A. It was the step over that boundary that caused me to drink heavily and behave out of character. I couldn't reconcile my standards with my behaviour. Result - total misery.

I am also the OP to the OM's W. I intruded into their marriage and I am to blame for that. No one else. Just me.