He did get some MB advice on this thread.

He can choose to expose and Plan A as they suggested he do.

Or he can heed the advice from those who think he ought to D and move on w/ his life.

What about B? You guys are forgetting and/or chosing to bypass and overlook B? Why?

Plan B was mentioned.

See Turtlehead's post.

That's cool. But, if you say "for keeps", I take that as "for better or for worse"...then Plan D should be put on the backburner, no?

And pomdbd3's post.

Okay. On that I agree with the qualifier... that it seems that way to me too with SOME of the BH/WW situations.

So you know, I'm Catholic. For me, it was fix it or get a civil D and remain married by the church unless an annullment was given.

No annullment, celibacy for life.

You want motivation?

Celibacy for life? Man that stinks. I better get my papers into the church!

Listen, I understand the desire to restore a relationship and a marriage. All we're saying to you is that we with kids have a different perspective.

Anger WILL hit you regardless of the path you go on. It's an ugly phaze and it isn't one you've gone through. Trust me, you'll know when you're there.

Do what's been suggested. Plan A with exposure. B when you can't stand A anymore. Pland D and FU when she insists on staying with OM and you don't have kids.

Then count your blessings and run. The advantage of being older is the realization that you can love again. You've been driving a Chevette around thinking it's the greatest thing in the world. You don't want to drive anything else out of fear. Fear keeps you thinking that the clunky Chevette is as good a car as you can ever have.

Well, my friend, you can drive a BMW/Mercedes/Lambourghini if you choose right. I'd rather wiat for that car than find another Chevette.

Get my drift? You don't know any different as young as you are. I'm not much older, but I've lived quite a bit in my 35 years and been lots of places and loved many women. I didn't know how good I should have it until my D. That opened my eyes that it wasn't the end of the world and that I can have a GREAT marriage by using MB principles and looking for a good woman with morals who won't turn her back on her vows.

Update:

To all of you I appreciate your information. I am still confused in my mind what I want but I draw closer to just letting go. Can anyone tell me where to find Plan B letters ]that I could read to develop my own? I would like to give her a plan B letter and tell her that I'm walking away. I can't make decisions for her and can't change her mind. She has hurt me so much, she has given me no choice but to step back.

She mentioned a couple months back (before the adultry) that she wants to be friends, she feels like I'm not her husband but a good friend. I don't know if I want to continue a marriage or a friendship after what she has done to hurt me. Everything feels like lies, our relationship was based on nothing. She told me after I had confronted her about the affair that she read her diary and has been questioning this relationship for 7 yrs. What am I to think about that....

I do have an ounce of hope/drive that with a lot of healing, transparency, honesty and time this marriage could work out for the better. I know there are a lot of people that go through an affair and separation and get back together and live happy.

My wife has done nothing to work on this marriage. She has done everything wrong including commiting adultry and when she was confronted by me, she admitted it but never cried, didn't get upset, or make an applogee.
Even two days later (yesterday) when I met her to "gift" the car she uses from my ownership to hers she acted like it was just another day. She tried to make small talk, would sit on the bench next to me, thanks me for changing the plates over for her.... I can't tell if she is in a fog or just really made up her mind to move on and has no regrets.

She says that she knows I was trying and that it annoyed her. She says that this isn't like dating, meaning she wishes she could just walk away from all the paperwork etc. and get on with her life. She says that she is happy now, being on her own. She needs to find her direction in life.

She says she is sorry that this is happening, but that I told her that I want her to be happy. She says this (ending the marriage) is what it is going to take.

Yes, use plan B and write her a Plan B letter. It sounds like you have Plan A'd enough to leave her with good feelings and opinions of you.

But make clear to her that you won't be "friends" if you divorce.

You love her and will commit to the marriage and take ownership for things you did to contribute to the state of your marriage, but that her infidelity is hers and hers alone to own.

Many women have this dream idea that they will get along splendidly with ex husbands after they cheat and leave them and that the ex husbands will be happy to sit on the ground and hold hands with them and their new man and sing Kumbaya.

So give her the reality she needs to hear. You will not be friends with her if she divorces you. You walk away and will not be heard from again until she establishes no contact and ends the idea of "dating" other men and writes a no contact letter to every man she's been with and recommits to your marriage.

A plan B letter is supposed to be positive and tell her how much you love her, but it draws boundaries and provides the wayward with a roadmap on how to restore things.

You use an intermediary for her to communicate any necessary things to and this could be a mutual friend.

I really believe Plan B will get her off the fence, but it will also shield you and let you move on if she decides not to come back.

to me, she doesn't appear to be on the fence. She seems pretty sure about what she wants and doesn't want.

I hear what you are saying, medc...but, I'm not so sure that it's that cut and dry. If she is still playing the "I want to be friends" card, she is still fence sitting. She still likes the luxury of being able to get EN's met by him...wait until she doesn't have that option anymore, then he will see if she is on the fence or not. JMHO

I disagree. I think it means she wants a smooth, guilt-free and hassle-free separation and divorce so she can bang OM with a clear conscience.

You could be right, and I won't disagree with your assessment. I just think that the concept of Plan B is to kick WS's [censored] off of the fence. How do you really know until the Plan is in action, and takes it's course. To me (correct me if I'm wrong) this is a perfect situation for Plan B. What she could very well be doing is just speaking through the fog. Granted, maybe she is being sincere when saying she wants out, but when are WS's ever sincere with what they say? Not very often. What else does he have to lose by doing Plan B...either way?

I'm glad you guys/gals are arguing about what you think she is saying. It shows me that there is no clear answer as to what she wants/saying.

I do believe she is sitting on the fence, at this time, pretty close to leaping off the other direction. When she says that she can't decide for herself that she wants an instant divorce becuase of adultery (she has said she will admit it to the courts) or if she wants to get a separation becuase there is still a chance she has feelings for me and this may work out in time I read that as she is pulled either direction. I gave her that option to choose when I talked to her after confronting her about the infedelity.
She says that she doesn't know how she will feel months down the road and may want to come back.

Yet, I she has shown no remorse for what she has done. She has acted only 2 days later like there is nothing wrong. She acts as though we are friends.

I believe plan B will help me express how I feel about her, that I do love her, care for her and want to meet her emotional needs but I can not do that anymore if she is with this OM. I need to walk away, find happiness in my life, as this situation is not bringing me happiness. I need to take care of myself because of the pain I feel, and this pain will not allow us to be friends in the future as she has requested. I will not have contact with her from this point on with the exception concerning separation papers.

Does this sound like some good information to put into the Plan B letter??

I want to write in the Plan B letter, I need to see a leap of faith, her leaving this OM now, not because it fizzed out or he ended it. That leap of faith will show me that she is dedicated to making positive changes and working on this marriage, so that I too can make a positive effort. If this will not be the case, I will not be waiting in the wings for her to come back. I will move on and meet new people and not be concerned of starting new relationships as ours has run its course.

Is this ok?

Alone,

I have heard that a plan B letter should really have the tone of a love letter. It expresses your care and love for a WS, but says that it is too painful to have any contact with them while they continue in their adultery. It further lays out what will be required of them in order for you to have contact with them anymore.


I understand this sentiment, but I hope you are aware that Plan B's don't usually "work" overnight.

If you are not sure about what a plan B letter should look like, buy SAA. I think there are examples in there.

Alone,
You're not likely to see a leap of faith. For one thing, why would she end it when she's getting her ENs met? The A will die, she will grieve and go through withdrawal, and THEN she will be willing and able to work on the M.

The best Plan B letters that I have seen are short, concise, and well organized. You should include:
1. An affirmation of your love for her and your desire to have a strong, happy, healthy marriage.
2. A simple statement of how her affair is negatively impacting you.
3. A conclusion that in order to preserve the love you feel for her, you desire no further communication from her until her affair has ended. (Put other conditions here if you like - IC, couples counseling, NC letter, she maintains a separate residence until you feel comfortable allowing her back in the home, etc.)
4. Financial information, mediator information, and information about children's care and schedules, if applicable.
5. A reminder that you love her and you regret that this is necessary for you to protect the love you feel for her.

Try to be thorough, avoid LBs like the plague, and be as brief as possible. A wayward has the attention span of a flea.

If you post your Plan B letter here you'll get lots of really good input. Folks here can really get to the heart of an effective Plan B letter, but it has to start with your draft or it won't sound like it's really coming from you.

An appeal for a leap of faith will fall on deaf ears.

I tried the same.

Didn't work.

She wont be receptive to it.

Tell her you love her but continued contact is too painful and you're withdrawing all contact with her. Establish conditions in which she can return.

And then go DARK. No emails, calls, texts, IM, or anything. If you have a Myspace page, then set it to private or get rid of it all together.

Hold out that way.

Plan B works. I've seen it work many times on this forum. When done right, it works.

Chrisner is a good example. So is abandonedwith3. AW3 has done a good Plan B where he's been dark and the WW has now come back and frantically tried to re-establish contact, but it is driven by selfish motives.

The fantasy with OM has been shattered and she's now pregnant and wanting AW3 to take her back.

Well, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

But the darkness is cracked by WW when kids are involved. You can't help but still itneract with ex to a degree because of kids.

You? You'll find yourself moving on waaaay before those of us with kids did.

You'll feel better sooner. You'll be ready to move on and D sooner and date sooner.

Nothing lost by going to Plan B.

Breaking contact with my wife seems like it may not have an effect. Plan B letter may not mean anything to her either.

Here's the contact for the last 2 months.

She already doesn't return my emails, just basic communitcation ones that have nothing to do about the relationship and she can't even return that. But has sent one with pictures of her sisters baby that she just had a couple weeks ago. That was forwarded to a bunch of her girlfriends and me being the only guy.

She has not called me once in the last couple months to talk or get together. She was only contacting me when she needed something like coming to the house to pick stuff up. I have made all the calls asking to get together to talk, go out to the zoo, dinner, things like that. We will go a week or so without contact at time.

Same goes for texting, only when she needs something.

So I'm assuming, having no contact is what she wants. She's happy now, so she says, and I'm out. She just wants everything to be over with us but we still have to deal with the legalities.
I guess she just wants that to go smoothly and that's why she's staying nice to me.

But I talked to her yesterday... we have the house appraisal today after work. I asked her if we could talk after the appraisal to see if there is anything we can still salvage in this marriage. I told her I don't want her to talk to me if she doesn't want to, that I want her input and I don't want her to just sit down with me because it's polite.. She said maybe, then she said if I feel like talking I will if not, I will leave.