M

Shes living in foggsville.

Now exposing is not going to be an easy road. Expect her to backlash and ask why and call you every name you can think of.

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Apparently? Is this what your wife has told you? I would speak with her mom and let her know what is going on before believing this.

You have to be kidding me right? She has brought the OM to meet your MIL? I would make sure MIL knows who this OM really is.

Mog,

Have you read the articles on this site regarding Plan A and Plan B yet? You need to. You also need to buy the book "Surviving an Affair" by the Harley's (owners of this site).

You need to understand it took a few years to get to where you're at in your marriage, so its going to take some time to restore it.

First thing first, and that is to end the affair using all the tools Harley gives us. Do some reading so you understand the plans and methods. Its important.

Jo

My FWW's OM
Could walk on water
Shake exactly two tylenol out of the bottle every time
Could communicate with corn
Invented the question mark.

Expect her to say some cold blooded things, she is a junkie feeding off the high shes getting from the A.


This IS fixable. I've been told its a marathon not a sprint.
Other couples have been through far FAR more messed up situations and have recovered.

While you as a person are unique, this awful situation you find yourself in now is not.


Bobby

OMG, I'm sorry but this made me laugh so hard. Thank you so much for the belly laugh. Communication with corn is a feat, let me tell you

My WH's 19 year old OW is more mature than his mother and is the most intelligent female around (this she proved by choosing a married man, huh?). It's insane.

mogrod, if I were you, i would drive to the OM's house today and knock on his door and tell his wife about the affair. Be cool, calm and just give her the facts along with your phone #.

When you are finished, go to your MIL's and tell her the truth. And this is very important ----> ASK FOR HER HELP in saving your marriage. Let her know that you love your wife and child and that your marriage is under assault from an affair. Ask for her advice and ask her use her influence.

These are key exposures will result in a cold splash of water on the affairees. Getting it all out in the open will be a good start.

I would also tell your W that your child is to NEVER be exposed to the OM. This is how little kids end up sexually molested and it is your responsibility to protect your child.

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The important thing to remember is that you are exposing NOT for revenge or to be vindictive, but to shine the light on the affair. When you expose, be sure that you let people know that (a) your wife is having an adulterous affair and that (b) you would like any help they can give.

Also, regarding this...


It's called rewriting marital history. Sure, there may have been SOME problems (all marriages have those), but usually they are magnified 10X when a wayward is trying to justify their actions.

You seem like you're doing the exposure half way. As in, you don't really know why you're doing it. Do you realize that the point of exposing is so that it's not 'fun' any more for them? Or the OM may decide she's too much trouble and go on to greener pastures (but hopefully his wife will drill him a new one when you tell her). Regardless, the A is likely to die off, once all these people are watching her every move and likely telling her they're disappointed in her.

Bottom line, you need to be FIRM in your conviction that it's the only way to save your M. No matter what venom she spews at you (and it will be bad!), calmly say 'I'm sorry you feel that way; I'm doing what I have to to save my marriage because I love you.' Just keep repeating the same thing. DON'T get sucked into an argument with her - it doesn't work!

Mogrod,

It's a real shame (understatement of the year) that you need these boards but it's a great thing you've found them.

Read up on Love Busters. Avoid them.

I totally do not understand this paragraph:

You're trying to help by being distant? How is that supposed to help? What if her top EN is Recreational Companionship?
You are asking her if you can see your own son? Your son stays with you, PERIOD. If she wants to step out of the home, that's her business and you can't stop her. But SHE steps out, she doesn't take your son with her. If you have to see a lawyer to get this enforced, then do.
You're lying to her? And this is supposed to encourage intimacy and trust... how? Openness and Honesty is an Emotional Need, and Dishonesty is a Love Buster. There's a reason this particular aspect of a relationship can either add points or remove them from your love bank. QUIT lying.


All the stuff you think you know, forget it if the info comes from your wife.
You heard these calls? Then you don't know they happened. You also don't know they've ceased.

All her talk about resenting you, forget it. Of course she resents you. She tells herself how awful you are, so she won't feel so guilty about being involved with someone else. If you think there's a glimmer of truth in it (i.e she resents you for going out w/o her and then lying about who you were with), use that info to begin avoiding love busters and meeting her ENs. But for the most part it will be just crap spewing from her mouth and you should ignore it. Like she's uncomfortable around your family... that's just stuff she's making up to try and justify her A in her own mind. Don't give it any credence.

The purpose of exposure is not revenge. You don't need to point fingers, make her the bad guy, or tell anyone what she's doing to her family. That's exposing for revenge. All you need to say is she's having an affair, it hurts you greatly but you want to work on the marriage, and you'd appreciate their support of you and your W as you go through this difficult time.

Do expose. And don't fear her anger -- embrace it. The angrier she gets, the more you know the exposure is working. Hopefully you'll hear some real fury - like now you've totally destroyed any chance of ever working things out. That would be a good sign, believe it or not. Nobody likes to see their fantasies destroyed.

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Okay, that makes sense. Plan B is severe though - it's a lot more than just giving her space. You have to have a letter explaining what you're doing, why you're doing it, and how SHE has the power to end the Plan B. You also have to have a mediator, and figure out how to handle drop-off and pick-up of your son. All that goes into the letter, and then you go completely dark. Not just space, but GONE. Your situation is nowhere near ready for Plan B yet. But I can see how you thought it might help.

For now:
EXPOSE!
Try to meet her top 3 ENs if you can figure out what they are.
Avoid Love Busters like your life depends on it

And totally forget all that resentment junk. She's grasping at straws, trying to make herself feel better. It's sad, really.

So, you've exposed to three friends. Have you exposed to her parents (especially the Mom), the OM's wife, and anyone else that might influence this? Did they meet at work? If so, expose to their bosses.

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With your MIL under some heavy meds right now she isnt fully clear on things till she starts to recover from her surgery but sounds like you are off to a great start!

Expect your MIL to probally tell your WW and for your WW to start her blameshifting/backlashing.

Spend the $200 to hire a PI to get the contact information for everyone in OM's circle of influence.

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Do you have his home address? If so, drive over there and knock on the door. Leave your pistol in the car just in case he is there and you lose your temper.

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