Ok, I spoke to OW's mother and she and I went to the leasing office of the apartment together. We explained the situation to the office manager and they were able to work out a better deal for us. There was still A LOT of money owed on the apt, but it was much less than they originally wanted to break the lease. I told WH that I wanted HIM to pay for the apt and I wanted him to use the money he had been setting aside for a boat to do so. (Killing 2 birds with one stone!! I HATE that he has a boat fund). He agreed and transfered the money to my account so I could write the apt a check. I didn't feel like the OW or her family should be responsible for WH's STUPID behavior. HE asked her to move in to the place, so HE should deal with it. Now that the apt is paid for, the poor girl can move on with her life. I feel like she's just as much a victim as I am in this situation. But at the same time, I want her GONE and DONE WITH. I don't want him to have ANY reason to contact her. I am thankful for her tenacity though. At first I was shocked and a little horrified when I found out what she did to expose WH, but I kwno that its the best thing.

WH is -- not good. He's admitted to everything and he's answering questions more readily today, but he's also sulking and pouty (probably because he was CAUGHT). I think also, he misses OW. He is in a lot of trouble at work and is in danger of getting fired. Several of his clients have found new people to work with and called his boss and said they were appalled at receiving the email from OW. They said that if it was true, then it showed low morals and if it wasn't then they didn't want that kind of unprofesionalism anyway. WH siad to me earlier that he felt like OW had ruined his life and I said NO, YOU ruined your life!

I will read all the articles and books recommended. Thank you all so much for the support and advice. I will hopefully be able to call the Harley's soon. I'm tempted to wait until things calm down a bit around here. Theres lots of yelling and fighting between WH and the kids. I'm not really used to all the commotion. I have a feeling that this is going to get worse before it gets better.

I hope I'm not out of line in saying this, but I'd recommend STD testing for you and WS. (The young OW should get it too.)

I know you want to save your marriage. But the thing that really concerns me here is the way your H behaved. Sorry, but if he's a traveling business man with $$$ who went as far to set up house for his OW, he could very likely have paid for escort services or hooked up with other barflies on business trips.

He has a very *entitled* personality right now.

Save yourself some drawn out compounded heartache and have him take a polygraph to determine if there were any other previous A's.

There's so much pain in your family right now that it's going to take everything you guys have got to keep it together. You don't want to focus on all the details of this event, to find out later that he's cheated before. He was more than willing to gaslight you about this A. He'll do the same if he's had others.

Protect yourself physically by getting checked and emotionally by getting him polygraphed.

This is my humble perspective. My best to you and your family.

Jewel

I'm glad you mentioned the STDs. I wanted to bring it up, but was worried about offending someone. I admit that I hadn't thought about it until the OW's mother brought it up during our visit earlier. She said she took OW to get tested this morning and that I should go too just in case. I brought it up to WH and he scoffed and said it wasn't necessary. I told him it would be if he ever wanted to sleep with me again and that seemed to change his mind. I'm going to call on Monday and make both of us an appointment.

I'm worried about other affairs as well. Since I had NO inkling that this one was occuring, who's to say it was the first?? It would have been fairly easy considering how much he travels and the amount of money he throws around. I always assumed he was taking clients to dinner, now I'm not so sure. He insists that nothing ever happened before this but I can't believe him. Is a polygraph test something easy to come by? I wouldn't even know how to go about getting one. I thought only police used them.

Kary, I agree with MamaJewel, I would get the STD test and have him do it too. Look in your phone book for polygraph testers. You might want to also call your police station and ask the desk sargeant for recommendations.

It wouldn't be so bad if your H did lose his job because his traveling job has LED TO ALL THIS. You aren't going to have much luck recovering your marriage if he continues to travel. All of the conditions that made his affair possible need to change or you will be right in this same boat next year.

Also, about calling the Harleys. You should know that they DON'T counsel couples together. They counsel them APART.[because married couples tend to FIGHT in counseling which makes things worse] The first few sessions would be focused on you alone and helping you develop a PLAN to recover your marriage.

Wow, what a story! You must still be in alot of shock since all of this happened this week. Please treat yourself to some rest and relaxation. And get it firmly in your head that this has nothing to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with hubby.

He sounds like he felt entitled to have a double life.

Has he been a good husband except for this?

And Melody is right, he needs to stop the business trips, or you need to go along.

Sorry to have to agree, but this is what I thought from the very beginning of this thread. If he is this good at being secretive, acting normal, etc, I would almost guarantee there are others--maybe many.

I am sorry you are here, but you have found a great place to help you and your husband heal. The problem will (of course) be with him having to give up the lifestyle that he has grown accustomed to for who knows how long! I would definitly do the polygraph test, but I would also search EVERYTHING...bank statements, phone bills, email, tax documents (as he prolly wrote off some of the stuff as expenses)...anything you can get your hands on.

Don't expect him to be anything but sulky and miserable. Pretty soon he will start telling you about how he hasn't been happy in years (even though you know better) and how you have done this and that wrong and blah blah blah. DON'T BUY ANY OF IT. He is going through withdrawl from his affair high, and realizing none of his crap will fly with you from here on out (if you stay married). He will have to be accountable at all times...that will REALLY BOTHER him for a while. Too bad, so sad! You must insist he give you all access to his life...cell phone, passwords-everything!

And I would also suggest getting a hold of some money and putting it aside for yourself since he may end up jobless. You just never know what may happen, and if you protect yourself with some money of your own, you will not be caught off guard. This is PREPARE FOR BATTLE time. Whether you end up divorcing or working things out, you have many months of pain and hard work ahead of you...

But you have the great people like MelodyLane here to help you along the way!

... almost sounds like a mid life episode... weird story ...

Has your husband had any psych history? Depression? Addiction?

I think Believer's question is a pivotal point! If he's been a difficult husband for years - that would be a huge reason to pause and reconsider this marriage altogether.

If a marriage has a good foundation - it can usually survive something this awful - but without a good foundation, I don't see the point ... ?

Pep

My WH did the EXACT same thing:

Travelling, he led the double life. I also taked to the OW and she apologized to me etc. I found out from her that he told her he was divorced, they lived together in her state when he was there, attended he family gatherings, etc. She was furious, told me she would break it off, never contact him again etc.

For 9 months I believed that he ended it to stay in the M

THEY ARE NOW TOGETHER!

Beware. After her initial anger subsided, the addiction was too powerful. They continued to stay in contact, and he eventually left to be with her.

I did not find MB until too late, otherwise I would have handled it differently, but you have found it earlier in the process.

Follow the advice here, and you will have a good shot at recovery.