Hi Luna,

Thanks for checking in over on my thread. I think the reason that I just wanted to get away from all of this was to avoid the triggers. I haven't called my atty for that reason - I'm afraid of being triggered again and starting all over.

I've come to the conslusion that this hurt will always be with us in some form or another, and we just have to learn to handle it. Look at you - 3 years and it can still set you back. Scary, isn't it?

But, we will survive. Our lives will take a different turn then what we planned, but we will live. I'm just telling myself that at least right now I have my health. I'm thankful for that everyday. After WH had the heart attack, I realized that now he has to deal with other issues too, and I was glad that I was the healthy BS instead of the unhealthy WS.

You are doing fine Luna, and I know that you will continue. Go with the down days and look forward to the next up day. I'm sure you are having many more up days lately than down. I am too.

Hi Luna,

Maybe it's not for us to figure out, but let G-d lead us to the answer or somehow just wait for the answer to come to us.

That's what I do, I go searching for the answer in my time. Letting G-d bring us the answer is his time which is always perfect, right?

Tears of joy are the best because I believe it's in the tears that are souls are getting cleansed and G-d is doing is deepest work because we are most vulnerable to his goodness and blessings.

Keep it simple and go with the NOT. We are still on our journey's. What we need is still being brought to us. But maybe one day soon it will be revealed and there will be a sense of completion for us. Or NOT. LOL

Hi CL,

Yes, you are right... this is some of what I posted on Queenie's thread...


...the INTENSITY of the trigger really through me off... the upside? ...it forced me to realize that I HAVE come a long way... and that the triggers, even intense once, do not PARALYZE me as was the case....uhmm....say... soon after D-day!

...and that's the idea, I think.... because I find that there is a direct link between one's ability to LET GO of unhealthy CONTROLLING defense mechanism as soon as we can replace them with healthier COPING mechanism.... and in being confident that we will BE OK, inspite of the falls we take sometimes!

....and yes, QUEENIE.... I am going with the '...or NOT'.... and enjoy my day off work...and put off trying to figure out or save the world...at least until...TOMORROW...LOL!

Yes we can save the world tomorrow.

How about we let G-d do it today.

Enjoy your day. I just took my son over to is friends and he will be gone until Tuesday. My YS is gone and so I am ALONE and looking FORWARD to it.

I am heading to my timeshare pool - . Mimi challenges me in so many ways in life and this book To be Jewish Woman is calling me and I began reading it. So, I have my lighthearted books and a book to be with G-d. Can't get any BETTER or more PEACEFUL than that.

Talk to you later beautiful one. {{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}

Hi Luna,

so sorry you had a bad go of it the other day. Being at 3 years myself, I can understand where your hurt is coming from. And wondering If or WHEN we might actually be done with the mess that the WS has created.

It's hard sometimes to just take things one day at a time.

I can't remember....did you initiate the D or was it WS?

Glad you are feeling better and that you experienced JOY.

Blessings,

Hi Kim,

Thanks for dropping by.

Well...in my case self-doubt is never too far...working hard to at least minimize it as much as I can....and maximizing my appreciation for what I have!

To answer your question...last Fall, due to a couple of new 'developments', I consulted first a lawyer feeling the need to further protect myself by 'separating' assets, and given the length of time I am in Plan B, and even though it doesn't seem WS is THAT happy, he does seem adamant on wanting to make affair R work, I was ready for the next step, Plan D....eventually though, it was WS who initiated the D proceedings...

...I do think seeing WS, even in the presence of a third party, affects me more than I probably realize or am prepared to admit....I just try to see it as a challenge... and work hard at doing the best I can...that's all we can ask of ourselves!

Hi Luna,

How are you doing tonight? I'm home alone, bored and want to talk with someone.

What cha been doing all day?

Hi Queenie,


uhmmm....I guess by now, that would be yesterday...when I did...very little...by choice!

...I am trying to do this on a regular basis....and this is how I do it:

...I imagine myself that I am in a 'new city' in a hotel for a day (like I had a chance to do for real in the last couple of years!).... that way I can't do any chores.... and by thinking of where I live as being in a 'new city', it triggers my 'exploration|curiosity' mode!

....so...I take walks and 'rediscover' my neighbourhood (or another neighbourhood)... and believe it or not...in my tourist mode...I DO see things I had never seen before.... sometimes I will spot a terrasse and decide to get a coffee..and just watch the people go by.... or I bring a book and stop at a park to read... go to a museum... it depends... because I am not REALLY in a new city...I often bump into people I know and have a chit chat....

it's my way of 'taking a break' from life, particularly for my brain... by putting some distance from my everyday responsibilities and problems... and sometimes... it can be quite effective...it seems to get the 'creative' part of the brain going and where before I was 'stuck' on a problem... new never before seen options seem to magically 'appear'...

I hope that you are not sorry that you asked...LOL!

....and how about you?

Hi everybody.

I have had a couple of mediation session with WS re Plan D and settlement of assets...we're getting ahead, but slowly! Next session is in mid-August.

WS and I have tenants, and a few weeks ago I did accept to discuss over the phone an issue with him which was somewhat urgent and am open to do so ONLY on that subject: property management.

Now...WS never liked Plan B... he wants to have R with OP, and friendly co-parenting with me and discuss the boys whenever he would like to (like we did), and would like to discuss plan D and asset settlement, informally, between just the two of us. He is well aware of the fact, that according to Plan B, any relationship with me is directly linked with first ending A with OP.

...given all this, I should not be surprised that now in the last email exchange, which are usually short and to the point, WS added the following, which I am paraphrasing, and that I would like to address, and would appreciate your comments.

WS:

Luna would like to reply, more or less, knowing well that I am talking to a WS and that whatever I say may be 'twisted' around to continue justifying remaining in lalaland:



I think I am being clear....I don't know how my reply would be interpreted with WS lenses!

I am going to sit on this for a while...

It does indicate that he is still very much a WS... and unfortunately, yes, I was hoping to get a glimpse of S, if not, what's best for me... is to finalize D... gain my freedom... do some more personal recovery and prepare myself to be in a healthier relationship in the future....

...coming to terms with this now is less painful than say...D-day... so I guess I should be grateful for that!

Hi Luna,

don't take my word for it, but the less said with WH the best right. IF you choose to respond, keep the sentences shorter maybe.

do you have a intermediary that you could send the letter through?

This was not very clear to me at all, but maybe it's just me. Here are my suggestions:

I don't play games. I'm doing the best I can. I am willing to ONLY discuss issues about the properties in the presence of a third party and then for only a limited amount of time.

As I have said before, I am ONLY willing to discuss any other issues once we have both chosen to invest in our marriage and family.

Hi Queenie & PM,

Thanks for your comments.

PM:


...this made me laugh...LOL...you're right... it wasn't just you, it wasn't clear to me either...LOL!

It was my first draft...and I totally agree...the less said to a WS the better, and whatever I will reply...it will have to be reduced to just a few sentences like you propose, PM.

I've learned my lesson... you know how it goes... give an inch...they want a...foot!

You've been a great help. Thanks again.

So here's what I plan to send to WS about discussions and direct exchanges...I've learned my lesson!


I think it's short and to the point, and somewhat of a PBL reminder that it's still a CHOICE to break up the family, HIS!.., I don't think I have much to lose at this point, given that we are on the Plan D path anyway.

I did send the email.

Back to being as DARK, DARK, DARK as much as I can.

...in so doing...I am somewhat relieved that, if I made a mistake in 'opening' a window to WS, I regretted it, and I have now closed it shut again, as it should be!

...the experience has once again (seeing that I have been so long in PLan B I may have needed a reminder!) confirmed to me that I am better off 'alone' than dealing directly with a WS!

...and I am now better prepared and more sure that, under the circumstances, Plan D is the way to go...for me!

...I do expect, though, at least to live somewhat a bit of a rollercoaster for the next, say....6 months.... or until this Plan D gig is finished....and then...it will the post-D gig!

...so...my conclusion is...that life is a never-ending set of a bunch of rollercoasters....some more liveable and manageable than others...depending on our skills and whether or not we have chosen the ride...LOL!

...none of us are in affair-land by choice....so...BIG BIG challenge!

Luna,


I think this is good. Stick with the Less is More plan when it comes to WS and it is obviously the best for you.

You said what you had to say and it's done.

Expect nothing from him.

You are going to be just fine.

{{{Luna}}}

Hi Bugs,

Thanks for the support.

I remember when the vets, early on, recommend Plan B to all BS faced with a very hard-cord WS, when even the best Plan A barely makes a dent in the mess... and how the idea of N/C with WS is practically unimaginable at first for a BS.... until common sense kicks in.... and the need for protection from WS's selfish ways become obvious...and a BS makes the...LEAP to Plan B...

...to NOW...when the benefits of Plan B are like heaven-sent.... and a BS (yours truly) RUNS for cover behind the darkness of Plan B....LOL!

...if ever there was need to measure the distance a BS has travelled...the level of appreciation for Plan B could be it!

((Luna))

Just dropping in to say hi. Yes, stay dark. He's clearly still a Wayward and doesn't speak our language. He lives in another world and may possibly stay there, so protect yourself. It's your turn to be a selfish [censored]. I think you have earned the right. Run with it!

Hi CL,

Thanks for dropping by and for your support.

Nothing really serious going on tonight with me feeling-wise... nothing to say that's worth sharing really.... except...just wanting to be here...among those with whom I KNOW, at different times with different intensity, face a similar challenge as myself... that EXPERIENCE, UNDERSTAND, and can IDENTIFY all that it entails...

...the hurt, the loneliness, the loss of innocence and trust, the rejection, the self-doubts, as well as the joy and pride of being able to say... that we made it through another day... as if there were no greater victory on earth!

...looking to fulfil the need for a sense of belonging...which Ifind here, being among all of you, my cyberfriends.

Plan B is my shield against the lunacy of a wayward.

Luna,
I hope you are well. Your entire post spoke to me. Lately, I feel more akin to the folks here than in my own life. Life seems so messy sometimes.

I have a hard time watching others self destruct and do things that are so bad for them. It's hard to talk to them about what is going on inside of me without them wanting so badly for me to just push it aside and move on, as they believe they are doing. Truth is, I see many of those in my immediate family BURYING things. Lots of drinking, avoidance. It's no wonder I ended up with an alcoholic. It's what I know.

That's another story for another time. UGH!

Yes, it's weird. It was hard to stay away from this place because it's like a family that I don't have in my life I live everyday. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore. I feel like I was born on Dday and that my life before that really didn't exist - like it's a dream and didn't really happen. My old house that I was in 20 years with WH - feels like I was never really there. Anybody else feel like a stranger in their own life?