Still trying to dismiss people?

I have been on this board for over 7 years. It is the same as it was then...ALL are welcome to contribute. As long as it is kept within the TOS.

I don't think that I have violated that.

As a matter of fact, I do have some time on my hands. I am totally free today.

I work at a middle school....and I go to University.

I have no classes scheduled on Fridays. So...yes, I guess I do have some time on my hands.

Continue On...


committed

Okay...deep breath for you too.

Now, IF you did not mean to imply that some people (I did not say all) here are YES people than please explain your comment about people aligning themselves with me despite their true feelings.

Let's at least stick to what was really said here. I edited my last post too.

I have no problem with quite a few of the posts here. Believer, LG and some others did not agree with how I have handled this. But, they did not align themselves with someone that called me a liar and that I provoked being attacked. Can you imagine that being said to a woman here??? I have shown...even just based on this thread...that I am willing to listen to those that do not agree with me...so long as they do not speculate and call me a liar.

So, how about you and I start fresh here....

I would appreciate you answering the above question.

Sounds good.


When someone offers a differing opinion in ANY realm (IRL, internet) I consider them a "no" person.

This is a person that is going to tell you what they feel, regardless of how much they think you might not want to hear it, because it can be seen as affronting. They do this in the face of everything else, i.e., they like you and want to garner your respect (generally speaking).

Sometimes, so much can be learned from this type of response. When you only want "YES" responses it upsets a balance of sorts. You never get a real clear picture. It is all hazy.

Do you welcome this type of response? Or do you only want the affirmative, supporting type of responses (YES people)?

committed

(I didn't see the edit change until I had already responded to the other)

You are right, it would be awful to remove her from his life entirely.

You are going to have to take extraordinary measures to protect him from her outbursts. If YOU are the trigger (not saying it's right) you remove yourself from that contact with her.

He's old enough to walk to her car, and back into the house. I would watch from the window though.

committed

I think the people here are responding honestly and not giving me what I want to hear.

I still think that the above comment is disrespectful to people that take the time to post their views. It clearly says that while they are taking the time to respond (here or IRL) they don't truly mean what they are saying.

As for whether I want this or not...I also feel like I have been clear with this point too. I have taken the respectful comments here...those that were aligned with my thoughts and those that were not and took them "into consideration." I actually used those exact words with a post that I didn't agree with completely.

Where this got derailed was my being called a liar by a troll...and having that agreed to by two other posters.

Cutting through the bs here...YES, I do see that my son would have been better served if I had removed EVERY opportunity for his mom to act out. I took her at her word and demonstrated actions that she had her aggression under control. I see that was a mistake.

But what I did not do...and was based purely on speculation was
lead her on
ask my son to make a decision about her being arresed

C&L...I apolgize for my short fuse with you this morning. I am upset at the implications that I have lied and realize that while two other posters agreed with the troll, you were not one of them. Please accept my apology.

Ya know, I am really scratching my head over the dissension here, because I just don't see the point and don't understand why this continues. It makes no sense to me. MEDC was assaulted, through no fault of his own, and then is grilled and even harassed for it when he comes here for support.

MEDC was called on the carpet for a misinterpretation of his comment about his 12 yr old son having input in the decision to have his mother arrested. MEDC cleared that up and said he did not give his son any authority in the decision; that his son simply expressed his feelings about the issue. Seems like that should settle that question, right?

Wrong. Now we accuse him of being averse to DIFFERING OPINIONS?? Well hale, wouldn't anyone be averse to wrong interpretations of the facts? I SURE WOULD!

What am I missing here?

medc,

No blood...no foul.

It's all good.

committed

Well shoot Mel....here you come...riding in like the calvary and it's done been settled.


Put down that airspray...you are gonna have to saddle up your horse a little quicker next time Girl.


committed

A day late and a dollah short, huh??

Hi MEDC,

I want to assure you that I didn't assume you somehow 'provoked' your WXW into attacking you. I think no matter how you turned her down she was going to get angry because she hasn't accepted the fact that you are through with giving her recovery chances. Her anger is directly proportional to her inappropraite sense of entitlment. Plus it could also be she just doesn't like 'losing' to your girlfriend LOL.

I think your decision to give your abusive WXW the option of going to couseling for abusers was a smart idea, AND it was also wise to not let her choose the counselor in this situation, ESPECIALLY since she has a history of lying to counselors! If she had chosen a counselor, somebody who doesn't already know your family and the real situation, she might have spun lies pretending YOU were the cheater and abuser! She needs a counselor who will help her accept the fact that she is NOT entitled to demand anything of you, and that you have the right to say "NO" to her without fear of being physically attacked by her.

"She seems to live in a world where she feels that she deserves everything she wants and that consequences of her actions should never touch her once she has changed her behavior. Once she stopped screwing around with her friend...well, she thought I should automatically take her back."

Sounds as if she's 99% about wanting to control and 'have' you back (mostly because she doesn't have you anymore)... and only 1% about really feeling remorse for what she did? It definitely smacks of entitlement and apparently IF you ever considered giving her another chance she wouldn't appreciate it anyway (because she EXPECTS it).

I took my serial adulterer WXH back numerous times and I assure you he never did get it, never appreciated me, and once he won me back it just made him feel comfortable enough to cheat again with a new OP. I think your WXW would do the same: if you dumped your girlfriend for her she would probably just cheat on you again, she'd tell herself it's your fault she's cheating, it would be a 'revenge affair' because you had a girlfriend.

Has she said ANYTHING to acknowledge how much she hurt you by throwing OM in your face as competition when she was still married to you? Does she wrongly think her being with the OM while she was still married to you is anywhere equal to you dating after she destroyed the marriage? Or does it just make her angry that YOU have somebody new now and she wants to defeat the girlfriend/competition. BTW, did she break up with the OM or did he dump her?

"I don't think she has ever assaulted anyone else."

I think that might be how some abusers try to get others to believe either the abuse accusation is false and/or that the abuse was 'provoked'. It can also be because she has such disregard for YOUR boundaries but doesn't have that same blindness when it comes to other people's boundaries.

"She has totally alienated her entire family.
Her brother, mother and father has all written her off as she habitually lied to all of them. Interventions didn't work. She did sit down with a therapist for about 3 sessions and when she relayed some of the things her doctor supposedly said, I asked to go with her for a session. Turns out she was lying to the therapist as well. She has gone to my IC a few times too and has lied to him."

IMHO, even IF you hadn't moved on already, weren't already involved with your girlfriend, it would be a waste of time to allow her another chance unless she had gone back to her family and the counselors she lied to and confessed the truth. Maybe what other people think of her was a much higher priority than her marriage/family were? That would be a significant enough character flaw to make her a very poor marriage partner and parent so what would be the point of giving her a chance to come back? I think you were very smart to move on.

"She seemed to be getting better...honestly trying to put her life in order. She just loses it when she realizes that she has lost any chance at having a relationship with me."

It sounds like she has been putting effort into improving, but only because she has the goal of tryign to get you to dump your girlfriend and take her back? It reminds me of how we have to warn Plan A'ers not to expect a WS to notice or appreciate the BS's Plan A efforts, not to EXPECT anything positive to come from Plan A alone, or else we'll be setting ourselves up for disappointment and anger... She's sort of Plan A'ing you and then Love-Busting when it doesn't pay off for her?

She hasn't accepted the fact that it's too late now and that she has no right to even ask for another chance, let alone demand one.

I totally understand also about your son. My daughters have unfortunately witnessed their WP (wayward parent) making boundary-busting demands and then reacting in anger when I stood firm. They love their father but they didn't hesitate to TELL me (I didn't ask them) I should call the police on him. I did get a restraining order and he never again acted on his violent threats. I also believe that you of course didn't plan for your son to witness your WXW's violent outburst. And I think you set a good example for your son in standing up for your boundaries.

Did your WXW show any interest in reconciliation BEFORE you started dating your girlfriend? Or is her interest now mostly because she is jealous of the girlfriend? I'm wondering how interested she'd be in reconciliation if you didn't have a girlfriend?

(I sometimes worry how my WXH will react when I meet a new man?
I'm almost certain he will take the same route your WXW has chosen. Then and only then will he be interested in reconciliation BUT he will still be demanding instead of appreciating. And he will only 'seem' to be improving instead of really fixing his problems. I'm wondering how common that is? for the WX to finally want reconciliation but to not really get it enough to be a candidate for REAL recovery?)

Yeah...but at least you are looking fine...thanx to that Aquanet not a hair outa place.

commie

MEDC, I didn't say you were a liar, nor did I think you were.

I see similarities in us and our poor choices in life partners, and also in having to deal with the fall-out of those choices in our children's lives.

I kept repeating past mistakes by not looking at my own contributions to them. It took some really caring people on this board to help me see some things that literally changed my life. And I chose to learn the lessons in front of me, rather than repeat them going forward.

I hope the same for you, and for your son.

I try not to view the world in terms of abuser/victim, but I realize that is your background.

It appears from the way you handled the situation after the fact, to me, that you care on some level for the mother of your son, as shown by you giving her the opportunity to get therapy.

It's easy when we do care for someone to put ourselves in a position where they may think they have a chance, even if that is not your intent. She may be mentally ill or she may be unable to accept that the ship has passed and it's her own doing that sailed it away from her.

Anyway, that's my sorry two cents to a problem that must weigh heavily on your shoulders.

My beloved little brother passed away last week and I had just gotten back from SAT where we buried him. His wifes' pain is almost unbearable to witness, along with the rest of ours. A friend had placed a plant, some liver pate' and a bottle of wine waiting inside my door, and I drank the whole thing so I was a little drunk when I wrote last night. I am sorry if it sounded like I was attacking you and calling you a liar.

Well, now I need to get off my miserable can and go cut the grass.

Take care.

I am so very sorry about your little brother, weaver. {{{{{{{{{{{{weaver}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

JJ, the reason I attributed that to you is that you said you agreed with two posters that called me a liar.

Enough said about that. It is forgotten.

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. I know this must be a terribly hard time for your family. I am sorry.

{{{{{JJ}}}}}

I'm glad it's forgotten. The written word, except for the very talented writer, is so easy to get wrong, both in the writing and the reading.

Thank you both for your kind words. He was such a beautiful, kind soul, and the loss is enormous. I just don't get why the best always have to leave so soon.

Frank Pittmann, "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult":



Clearly, (I think), the dynamic between you and your X needs 2 change.

I have no idea whether you provoked her, even unknowlingy - words, body language, pent-up frustrations on her part. I don't believe that it matters why she spun up like that. What matters, of course, is you're son's well-being and his relationship with his parents. And what you can control - yourself (and your son, 2 the extent he's a minor and you're the custodial parent).

-ol' 2long

locked at thread originators request.