Introvert,

I'm not going to dismiss what you did as wrong, but I will say that it was a temporary moment of insanity after discovering your wife's affair.

It's the ultimate LB. A revenge cheat.

But the mind of a BS is just as foggy as that of a WS and this can certainly be seen as acting out.

Not justified any more than punching a hole through a wall or getting physically violent, but a reaction to being hurt badly nonetheless.

Catholics are expected to get a civil divorce, first, then apply for the annulment process if the M had been recognized by the Church.

The Catholic Church views marriage (one that has been approved by the Church) as a sacrament that cannot be broken until one of the spouses dies. It is deemed to be blessed by God with the grace to sustain it throughout the lives of the couple. When a catholic gets married, it's with the understanding that the marriage is the way that he or she lives out God's Will for his or her life. Being in that sacramental marriage is the way that the Catholic spouse lives their calling according Christ and "picks up his or her cross and follows" him.

If the couple meant their promises the day they said their vows, then the marriage is assumed to be a valid, sacramental marriage. Only death of a spouse can break the bonds of a sacramental marriage according to the Catholic Church. So adultery doesn't break the sacrament.


Btw, an annulment isn't a divorce. Also, adultery isn't grounds for an annulment, unless it's symptomatic of an impediment to the M (like sexual addiction). An annulment states that when the couple entered the marriage, there was an impediment that made the marriage vows invalid. An impediment to vows could be immaturity, addiction, certain emotional conditions,undisclosed mental or health issues, previous M, fornication with the fiance or an OP during the engagement or at the time the vows were said,or co-habitation/contraception/pregnancy, etc. They're basically anything that results in a partner's inability to make an open, free-willed choice to live-out his or her vows or anything that prevents a partner from fully-informed consent.

If a faithful Catholic finds him/herself as a BS, a civil divorce can be applied for. Civil D has to be in place before the annulment is applied for. But until the annulment process determines that the M was invalid, the BS still has to be faithful to the original marriage vows.

Sometimes the Church determines that there weren't any impediments to the marriage vows and that the marriage existed as a sacrament. This is very difficult for the BS who follows his or her faith because it means, according to the Church, that the couple is still married in "God's eyes". A BS who desires to follow Church teachings in this situation still remains faithful to the marriage vows that he or she said to the M partner
the day they got married.

It may be a challenge to understand, but if you can view it from the Catholic church's perspective that on their wedding day, a couple makes their vows not only to each other,but to God. To have the M blessed by the Church, both the H and W with their own free-will and volition go to the altar(making their vows said in all Truth). Because the promise is also made to God, the Catholic Church holds to the premise that it can't be "taken back" and that it stays in place until one of the partner's death.

I just wanted to share that with you because I've read some other posts on your thread where this has been mentioned.

Also, I don't want to make anyone upset with what I wrote. It's what I was taught as a convert to the Catholic faith.

Jewel

I'd love to know what OM thinks of the fact that I emailed all of the top dogs at his Catholic church and told them what had been going on.

It's good that you did that. He's violating a sacrament. That's what catholic spouses who violate their M's don't grasp. When they cheat, they are literally violating a sacrament according to their beliefs.

I hate to say it though, but unless he's a deacon, they'll likely not do anything about it other than tell him he can't go to communion until he amends his ways.

His BW has probably been told to separate from him. Or to pray harder and offer it up.

Short on time, again

Married people should not date until divorced. Why?
Look at yourself complaining.

Dating while still married only heaps on more problems which makes recovery way harder than it already is. It was way hard in the first place.

Ogle,

Your affair????

It is a fantasy - you will see that soon enough.

Your OW is someone who is willing to have sex with a married man, who is broken hearted and vulnerable. She is playing on your vulnerabilities, and inserting herself right into the weakness in your marriage. And you have fallen for her in the "extended time" of three WHOLE WEEKS.

Gosh. I'm sure she has told you the truth about everything in her life, and that she has let you see her at her worst, too. Like when she tells you what a terrible person your wife is for committing adultery on you, while YOU DO IT TO YOUR WIFE, and SHE DOES IT TOO!!!!!!

Gee, that sure sounds "high caliber" to me. NOT


You need to stop your affair, go home, and put your d&*k back in your pants, if you have any sense about you at all. Because you are NOT handling this well at all, and you will be plenty sorry later.

And get yourself a fog light.

T/J over

Schoolbus

intro, i am not trying to throw you under the bus here. and since i have been away from this site for quite awhile and until just recently i am not familiar with the ins and outs of your sit except from these 2 threads on RA's.

that said let me point out some things and you can stew on them and draw your own conclusions. so in no particular order.

1 - whether you call it a RA or that you should have had the right because she did doesn't matter. it is still wrong (which you have admitted).

2 - for whatever the reason you had this tryst your willingness to answer any and all questions speaks volumes that this was an "in your face" thing. you know the old "what is good for the goose is good for the gander" analogy.

3 - i don't think it has anything to do with whether you were a ws or a bs who who had a (for simplicity i am going to refer to whatever you want to call a RA, i am not saying right or wrong or even trying to label it as such) sex with someone outside of your marriage is an A.

we can play with the wording and talk all you want about separated, just a piece of paper, or she/he ended the marriage 1st with their actions. the truth is it is an A.

and as i know you have read the material on this site and understand it, any other discription of such actions would be deemed "in the fog".

4 - when a bs goes out and does the exact same thing as their ws it gives the original ws the same choices that the original bs had... NONE. what is the 1st ws supposed to say. "that's it i'm done. you cheating horses petute." not likely. it does show that the original bs used his/her get out of jail free card to "feel" that same excitement with someone new. but at what cost?

5 - my questions are, do you think it was worth it? aside from the stiffy bustin your zipper (just basic animal instinct) how did it feel when it was over and you were laying next to this op? fullfilling or empty? how did her hand feel in yours? the same as your w's or just a little strange? when you looked her in the to say "well i'll never see you again" or was it the knowingly unfullfilled promise of "i'll call you"?

hey i understand the hurt, pain, anger, frustration, desire, etc, etc that come from your partner in life stepping across those boundaries. but does that give me the excuse to break those morals that i had set forth for myself for over 20 years?
not to me.

i say you have to look at this way. you find out that your spouse is using some make you feel great drugs. do you say "hey she gets to do that so i have th eright to do it also? OR do you try and get them help?

just mho but we all have opportunities to have that someone new sometime in our lives. reaching inside and finding the true reason everytime to say "hey this just isn't right no matter what reasons i can dream up" is where our true character shows.

do i think you are a man of character? don't know you that well. do i think you are a man that had some confussion due to some extenuating circumstances? yes. do you geserve forgiveness (not from me)? yes

geez i love these old cliches. remember that 2 wrongs never make a right.

so now you are faced with recovery. imho you need to face up to your A, RA, ONS, Regaining your self esteem or whatever else you may choose to call it in the same fashion as any other ws. 1st you have to own it. then you have to take the steps to recover your marriage.

you can't go wishy washy around it with the you did it so i did it system. these have to be treated as 2 SEPARATE a's and recovered as 2 SEPARATE A's. both you and your w need to take personal responsibility for your own actions.

Right, its like a TWO night stand. Any woman who gets it on with a married man is NOT "high caliber," she is LOW RENT unpaid sex. At least a prostitute gets paid for putting out, this woman gets nothing. She is someone who does not care about you and has no respect for marriage. Someone who cares about you would not help you degrade yourself like this.

You are not justified in having this filthy, sleazy affair, you are just as bad as your wife. You are a cheater just like her, and your lady friend is nothing more than a mistress, aka OW.

Into,
FTR, calling it a revenge A is simply the same foggy "justification" your WW used when metioning unmet EN's.

Truth is, there is NO justification that will ever support adultry. Dance around that all you want, it will not change!

Given free will and choice to choose otherwise, you have failed.
Ther's always an out to chosing sin. God allows you bail on that choice before it has occured. You simply choose otherwise. There will never be a justification for it, period!

In term of the Catholic church, there is a proceedure for annuling a M. the most famous and somewhat shady example would be Senator Ted Kennedy's annullment of his W of nearly 30 years or more. This of course, left him free to marry his mistress. I suspect her alcohlism was the main dysfunction.

But there are supposedly very strict terms and conditions for this to happen. It involves the testimony of others who are familiar with the M and whether there is any hope of reconciliation. It also involves the tenants of false vows based on one's ability to make such a covenant with God. It's a very complicated process that coud take years.

REVENGE, will never equate to being in your own A. It is simply the same irrational justification that your WW used on you. I hope you rethink the entire sitch.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Well said, Jerry!

Intro,

Your wife used entitlement saying she was entitled to better than what she was getting to justify her affair.

She used resentment over things she considered as hurtful to her in the marriage in order to justify her affair.

She used love busters by you in order to justify her affair.

She used revenge against you for things you had done, real or perceived, in order to justify her affair.

Resentment over her affair is no more viable an excuse for an affair than her justifications.

The love buster of her affair is no better excuse than her justification by citing your love busters.

You entitlement to something better or having your own needs met is no excuse for an affair any more than her entitlement was justification for hers.

The vows broken are the same vows. The choices made are the same choices. The sin is the same sin. Who went first has no bearing on it.

Ever get a speeding ticket?

Ever try to tell a judge that you were only speeding because somebody else was speeding?

Ever get out of a ticket because somebody else was breaking the same law you broke?

Mark