I think you should go as dark as possible. But I also think you might want to figure out some other arrangement for your kids (i.e. get her to watch them somewhere else). My WstbxH stole all sorts of stuff during the time he still had access to the house while he was moving out. He was never a thief before. Waywards are capable of all things evil.

Thank you Tabby.

My children and I are in our primary residence and that's where we will stay. I unfortunately just moved to this area 2 months ago and just don't have the network as of yet nor the support. I am protecting myself financially.

Now, her mother is involved. Her mom (whom I do respect) is encouraging me to give her space, which works well with Plan B I suppose. Her mom has told me that when she is gone this weekend, I don't have to worry about where she is staying as "it's not where you think".

I just found out she has been texting and calling this OM this morning and after a jolt of emotion this am, am now starting to calm myself down. This is hard, truly hard.

How can I work a Plan B if she is in the home during the week with my kids? I have told her I only want to communicate with her about our kids, nothing more.

Thanks....

Change the locks. Get a lawyer's advice TODAY!

Your wife stayed with the OM last night. They made weekend plans.

DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER!

Is she staying overnight in your home with the kids? Is there any way she can watch the kids at her mothers? If not, can she stay at her mothers and only be in your home to be with the kids when you aren't there and then leave?

She stayed at a hotel last night, I saw her receipt.

I have not had sex with her in the last 3 weeks; we use to have sex on a daily basis but that's not important at this time.

My family and her family live 2800 miles away. There is no family here.

She will only be in the house when I'm not there at work to watch her children. She's not welcome after that, nor on weekends and I've made that clear to her.

What a perfect deal for your wife!

She has her kids all day, then a babysitter for the night as she goes spends it with the OM!!!

And the weekends are even better! Babysitter watches the kids so she can go off with OM all WEEKEND!!

Your wife is cake eating! Best of both worlds!

Hire a sitter during the day. And don't say you can't afford it. Your wife is spending your money for hotels so she can sleep with OM!

I'm sorry to be so blunt but you need a 2x4 to the skull.

FP,

I hope you understand that I'm on your side, but I have to agree with iam here completely.

If she won't go no contact, then you ask her to leave with no returning until NC is solidly in place, if she won't leave then you go straight to Plan D.

Your situation has improved when you take strong definitive action, and you flounder when you cave to her demands.

If she needs to watch the kids, she can watch them somewhere else, but NOT in your home ... she has forfeited her right to use the marital home while still in an active A.

This one is really one of the easier situations to diagnose ... you stay strong and you win ... you waffle and you lose BIG TIME.

If she wants OUT like she claims, then she can go, but you don't have to make it EASY for her. Show her the consequences of her thoughtless actions.

My wife left Thursday night saying she had to get some space. She came back the next day (because she had to watch our children while I was at work) and said she'd stayed in a hotel. She said she had a good conversation with a friend and they cried over the phone together about the situation of our marriage.

I have my wife's cell phone records and know this persons phone number - I know she didn't talk with this friend. I also know she didn't stay in a hotel. Yes, I know she was with the OM.

She has been gone since Friday afternoon and would not tell me where she is at (the OM, yes but also a friends). She said she didn't feel safe and needed space. I have never touched her, nor do I yell or call names. There is nothing violent or aggressive about me.

She tells me there is nothing going on between this OM and herself. I know that's not true but I don't have any evidence other than her cell phone records calling his number. When she left Thursday night she called the OM within 10 minutes of leaving.

So, I am calling my attorney Monday to get the consult out of the way. I have organized all my documents, finances and information to have it ready.

My wife is a confused, depressed person. She's been married since she was 19 years old and has been bi-polar for many years. She was sexually abused as a child and those issues are coming out also.

I must be a fool I know, but I love her. She's terrible to me; abusive physically and verbally, she's financially irresponsible and she's basically checked out as a mother.

I don't want to be vindictive and go after her - she's still the mother of my children. I'm having a hard time deciding how far I want to go with the separation I am going to file. I know I want full-custody with visitation by my wife with not many boundries. I do want to protect my children because she's a terrible example and just reckless while she's in this destructive state.

My finances are in order - she has no money and a mound of debt due to compulsive spending on herself. She drives a car I paid for and is on my insurance. This will all change within the next week as she is being separated from my finances all the way around.

This is very emotional. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her as I've spent 13 years sleeping next to her. I go from sadness to anger to sadness every 10 minutes. I am on a anti-depressant but I'm not sure it's doing much.

Can I go to a plan B if I have to have contact with her for my children? Or should I go straight to D? She is having an A, yes but do I even bother seeing if she'll hit rock-bottom and turn her life around?

Thanks for your insight and advice.

v/r,

FP,

IMHO, the woman you have described is NOT worth saving ... nor is it in your best interests to even try.

PROTECT yourself and your children and use her foggyness to negotiate a good custody and settlement agreement for yourself.

It has been "ALL ABOUT HER" for too long ... now its "FISHPANTS'" time.

Good Luck at the attorney's tomorrow.

fishpants. . .


Did you know there was such a thing as betrayed spouse FOG? You are in it. In other words, not always thinking clearly.

My point is simple. If she is a bad mother, don't let her watch the kids during the day. How can you love who she has become? You are making excuses FOR her. That is all FOG stuff.

Your WW has made terrible choices as an ADULT that is visiting trauma upon you and the kids. Don't protect that garbage. Give her the dose of reality she needs and protect the kids and you from as much of the fall out as you can.

She may or may not wake up. Most in her position do NOT wake up until reality hits them between the eyes. Some not even then, it just depends. You CANNOT predict what she will do other than try to protect her affair as long as she can hang on to it. Now she is eating cake and that is not a good thing. Take her cake away and see what happens. You have absolutely nothing to lose by insisting she act responsibly.

Larry

FP sounds like you are coming along. Larry has some good points. Its true the BS can be in there fog of standing up for there WS. Dont justify anything for her or about her. She is the one breaking the family up. She needs to deal with it and point blank if its the hard way then do it.

When she realizes this OM cant provide for her like you can, When shes not able to see the kids because she cant get over to you. The lights to there place gets shut off and not enough food for her to eat, *I can go on but I wont*...

Then she will start realizing that she has done wrong. And hopefully work on the M...

I am glad you are seperating finances. When the full cut off takes effect on her you will need to be strong.

Thanks so much for the advice and encouragement.

After 4 days she came home last night to see her kids. I ignored her the best I could but we got "engaged" in a conversation. I told myself (and her) that I would not talk about the relationship, only the children. Next thing you know we are argueing - both of us trying to prove our points.

It's pretty disgusting to be in this situation. I have to provide her an ultimatum to get out within the week - her parents are sending me mean text messages saying I'm throwing her out on her [censored]. I replied, "if you knew what I knew you'd understand".

I'm trying to have clarity and self-control. While she was gone, it was the most peaceful home we've had in a long time. No tension, no arguments, no pressure.

Perhaps I am in some fog, as I find myself thinking, "maybe she really isn't having an affair, maybe she's just friends".

She's reiterates all the time, "I'm leaving you, this isn't about somebody else". When I think about things I've read on MB, it all makes sense that she's having an affair. She's telling me she hasn't loved me for five years, was just staying together for the kids, she now realizes how bad she's had it, etc. Ever since the day she told me she was "done" with the marriage, I haven't been able to barely hug her without her going crazy. I read that physical contact will absolutely be avoided while someone is involved with someone else.

I'm remaining pretty confident to my own surprise. I have to make some decisions this week about how long she will stay and when I call the attorney to file the custodial paperwork for my children.

Keep the advice coming, it's nice to have a support network on MB.

You haven't exposed to the world? First rule, expose and don't tell her it is coming. In fact, don't advertise what you are going to do, just do it, whatever course you take.

Second rule: Understand that everything coming out of her mouth is a lie or a rationalization to protect her affair.

Her affair is built on sand. Create a tidal wave that changes her dynamics.

Larry

Well, it's been four or five days since I last posted.

My wife spent Thurs-Sunday gone. She refused to tell myself and my children where she would be but only she needed to be safe and get some space.

I know she stayed in a hotel at least two of those nights, possibly more (I have access to her Amex account, she has no idea).

She came home Sunday night to see the children; they were not real excited to see her actually and it validated what I felt, that she was walking out on us and it had a negative consequence obviously.

She went to a movie Monday night, got home at 12:45am. She did not come home Tuesday or Wednesday nights but came to watch the children while I was at work both days.

We have talked about our situation civily and I've presented to her my proposal of child custody and finances, which she agrees with almost to a T.

Now here's the problem. While everything I know points towards an A, I just don't really have any proof. Yes, she's been calling and texting this guy she works with, in the morning and late at night. But, if I expose this to her parents, friends, etc...they won't really care because she does have some platonic relationships with guys.

I have essentially implemented Plan B I suppose, I have very little contact with her other than for the children. She is very intent on moving out and getting her own place, but she doesn't have the money now. So, she's staying in hotels and with mutual friends of ours - who knows for how long. I have asked her to leave but she has asked for a little time to get some things in order. I have agreed to this because I do still care for her and don't want to discard her like yesterday's trash - she's still the mother of my children and she's still my wife (although she absolutely does not see it this way!).

This is an emotional rollercoaster. I am on some meds, but they are just taking the edge off I suppose. I'm trying to move past talking and acting on emotions and instead using rational thought and logic to deal with this situation.

She has checked out as a mom for all intents and purposes and I've stepped it up big-time as a father for my children. I take care of a 2200 sqf home by myself, work a full time job and then there's the kids - you know the story.

To be honest, I'm having hard time deciding whether to leave the door open and allow her this phase to realize what she's leaving behind or just moving on now. I can see myself doing both - but I have invested 16 years (13 of marriage) to this woman and, yes, I do love her. She's been an absolute jerk to me the last couple of years and this last month since she said she wanted out - she says it's her way of turning off emotions and trying to move forward.

Ok, I do need some advice and encouragement. I do feel alone despite great friends and family - it's hard to realize I'm a single father let alone "looking" for someone new someday in the future. I don't want to start this crap all over again to be honest but I know I need a healthier relationship.

Thanks in advance. I do meet with my attorney tonight to determine my rights and what I can/can't do. It should provide some good insight into my situation legally. She is not going to throw a fit about anything as she's on this journey to find herself and/or be with this guy. Who knows, maybe both.

v/r,

You are enabling her affair. A few points that you are in denial about...

1. She is not in hotels w/ mutual friends. She is there having sex w/OM. Harsh, sorry. She, with no income, is using your money to pay for this hotel. That should piss you off.

2. She is not at movies until 12:45AM. She is having sex w/OM. Ditto sorry.

3. You are letting her do this by letting her come home.

4. It's called cake eating. She has you for financial support and OM for sex.

You, my friend are in denial. I know, I was there. When OMW called to to tell me her H and my W were having sex who did I believe? My lying wife. I was wrong.

Instead of paying for her AMEX, use the money for a PI TODAY to follow her and document her actions for a few days. Then expose her affair and get the evidence to your attorney.

I really want to reach out and get you to stop being a doormat!!!!

FP,

iam beat me to it, but I was prepared to basically type the exact same advice.

For your own peace of mind, you need to KNOW ... spend a couple of hundred $$$ and hire a PI ... I'm afraid it won't take him too long to get the proof you need to move forward.

I bet that once you KNOW, you won't be so indecisive. Take the step ... Find out ... and then take the appropriate action.

Good Luck to you.

A couple of notes -

She did see a movie, I saw the movie stub and verified the movie times vs. when she came home.

I am not paying for her Amex - I simply know her user id/password.

I did not say she was in the hotel with mutual friends, she has stayed at a mutual friends mother's house.

At this point, I don't want to piss her off. The reason being is her parents have money and can afford any legal situation she might pursue - including her receiving full custody and me paying her money. As of now, we have agreed that I will have primary custody and I will pay her nothing.

I am not paying any of her bills at this time.

Now, I'm no fool. I am very good at snooping; the problem is I've reached a point where there is little more information I can gleen from the situation.

I have sent an inquiry to a PI. I do have some money to use towards that and I think that would be worth it.

I am in denial mentally that she's like this, yes. However, I know what she's doing, I just don't want to accept it.

Thanks for the insight, I do really appreciate it.

It's a tough situation and I just don't want to bottom out.

Well this situation gets deeper and deeper. My emotions go from confident to sad within a matter of minutes, it's just crazy.

My wife has not been staying at the home overnight - who knows where she is on any given night (don't wanna know). She comes back in the morning to be with the children until I get home. A couple days a week there is a sitter with the kids so she just goes straight to work from wherever the F she stays.

I'm torn between wanting to do a Plan A or a Plan B. I don't want to ignore her because we have agreed with everything in principle about custody (me) and finances. I can't afford to jeapordize losing my children as of right now I'm the primary caretaker as she's leaving the home every night and unavailable for the children (according to my lawyer). I know she's distracted at the moment by the OM and I want to take advantage, if necessary, of her distraction.

I have no problems with her moving out - she's working some different options at the moment but won't tell me what. My son told me when they were running errands they went to some apartments - so that's the plan of course.

I do still love this person. She is the alien right now and I firmly believes she needs some mental health counseling. I care for her quite a bit still - and am not sure what to do next.

Help me out if you wouldn't mind - this is not easy.

Regards,

We've been helping you out for over a week and 6 pages of this thread. You just won't listen!

Plan B her and hire a babysitter!

Get a lawyer!

How can you let her watch your kids after getting out of OM's bed every morning?!

Oh, that right. Let's not piss off the cheating wife. She might make life miserable. But hey, isn't that what life is for you right now anyway?

This is sad to watch. If you stay on this path, I and probably every other person who's been around MB for any length of time can predict the outcome of this one.

She'll end up booting you out of your home, taking the children, and moving on with a replacement daddy.

Get mad! Fight for your family! Hire that PI and get the scoop. Then EXPOSE like crazy. Otherwise you're going to end up another statistic. Remember, attorney are PAID to faciliate your divorce, unless you tell them otherwise.