Even though I am sad about the disconnect that we have today, there is a lot I am happy about. We are talking really respectfully to one another, instead of reverting to name-calling, DJing, AOing, throwing shots, and projecting, as far as I can tell. I am not fearing that he's going to "get back at me" for disagreeing with him.

No, it has to be liquid. He wants you to put in a special savings account you can't get into that easy, for emergencies.

I did install the software, and found that we do have a balance of over $1000, which makes me happy, but I don't know what bills we have outstanding, so that's the next part, to input the monthly bills. What if you have credit cards that you don't carry any balance on that have a limit of over $1000? or a home equity line of credit with over that available? Then do you still need to move $1000 to an emergency fund? So you don't have that additional account to set up and keep track of? Or is the idea that in an emergency to have access to funds that you don't have to worry about paying back later?

I agree, you've made a lot of progress.

The only thing I can add is that you both want one 'thing' really bad.

You want harmony and understanding and working for a common goal. It's a big part of who you are. So big you're willing to leave the marriage for it.

He wants this move to CA because for whatever reason, it is a big part of who he is. So big that he's willing to leave the marriage for it.

I can see how a compromise would be that, for him to have you all move to CA, he could agree to finding some awesome - and I mean awesome - MC or other methods to smooth out your M. I would think that, of all places, CA would have them! Ask him to see it as an expense, just like gas or water. Let this become a dedicated part of your marriage - hard work in relationship building. You'll both benefit from it, you'll both get that one thing that you want. Plus the girls will be in CA close to Hollywood!

What do you think, can you approach him with that?

It might be nice to have the both of you sit down with the MC and simply discuss what each of you want out of life. It does not have to be specific to your relationship. I still detect a huge disconnect. Everyone's reality is different. What you might find wrong in someone else's reality may be perfectly fine in theirs and vice versa. Motivations that you might feel are aimed against you may not be perceived that way by the other person. Put away blame an recrimination and just talk.

We did start with a great MC about two months ago, and he has been doing the homework. So I think that he may well commit to MC out there for a period of time. The problems I am having with moving today based on that, is that it was only two months ago that he was telling me he wanted to leave me.

It means giving up my FS here. Leaving my job, that I'm doing well at, not knowing how long it would take to find one out there, or how long it would take to find another one if it didn't work out and I had to come back. Renting out my home. We had done that for a prior move, before coming back, and then had to give the renters notice and wait for them to move out before coming back. I've had to stay with friends, because there were renters in my house. I can do all that again, I am willing to give up our home and my work, but is that a smart decision? It makes a lot more sense to me wait and see if with these changes that he does want to be with me, outside of this carrot thing. To get really solid together so I know we can weather another move.

I am very willing to do that, and will set that up for whn H comes back, and on the phone if that's possible.



Booka, I really thought I was putting away the blame and recrimination. If there something that you see that I'm not, like DJs, blame, recrimination in my post, I ask you to share them with me.

Cat - Are you suggesting tying the two goals together? That's how I read it. If so, I like the idea. I'd like to offer an alternative method for achieving it...

EO - I suspect that trust is something that your H is having a hard time with. He might be fearful that he'll come back, do everything you have asked of him, and then in 6 mos, you'll continue to waffle on making a move because it takes you away from a lot of your comfort zone. Can you guys come up with a written POJA? You put down a timeline of 6 mos, correct? Can you agree, in writing, that if in 6 mos you guys have maintained all of your recent progress, you will commit to a move to SoCal? Not just a, "We'll consider it then" kind of deal. An actual promise to make the jump.

I meant it as a suggestion rather than an observation. I would just guess that one of you would have some blame.

On the other hand, his desire to relocate all of you to SoCal is absolutely something that would have to be negotiated. He can't demand it and ultimatums are emotionally immature. You both would have to feel enthusiastic about such a huge decision. If he acts pouty about it then ask him to be a man rather than a boy and bring something to the table to be discussed and negotiated.

Seabird, I did quit my job and go out last summer, and was willing to move if that was what what H decided. In the end, neither of us decided to. For H, it was in large part because DD12 had gotten into a special middle school gifted program here that it wasn't 100% that she'd get into out there. This year, he met with the schools again, and this time he feels confident that she would get into the gifted program at this point. I may waffle on some things, but not on commitments to H.

I am trying to get the financials together in part so that I can be really confident in making a decision to commit to 6 months. I REALLY don't want to move, so I do go into denial about it, but I understand that this is a real issue to think through. H said he would not consider 6 months, because it would break up the kids' school year again, and we did that back in 2002, 2003, and 2004. But he said he is not willing to consider next June, either.

Well, in any case, I don't recommend allowing him to bully you into making a move that you can't get enthusiastic about. He needs to see that as merely a path to resentment and it wouldn't be good for the marriage overall. Furthermore, a move to CA w/out you wouldn't get your children there any faster because it's not like the courts would allow him custody to uproot them from everything just to give H-wood a shot. What folly!

I'm still confused by his motivation. Does he want to go so that he can get your kids into show bidniz? Or does he simply want to go for himself?

Personally, I don't get it. I mean, SoCal is nice in a lot of ways, no doubt. But it's so expensive, and moving there seems like a real challenge (risk) without being in a major financially healthy situation, like having a butt-load of savings or equity in a home, or walking into a high paying salary. For all the "work" he's doing, this seems like winging it to me.

I hear you, and I'm trying to find what I can be enthsiastic about, in additon to looking at what would make him enthusiastic about coming back here. I was okay with staying last year. In hindsight I see it would've been a bad move, because we were still on such unequal footing. I still felt desparate sometimes trying to win his approval. I'm doing a lot better at not taking that as about me now.


I do think that we will get to that point in IC.


He says he's not going to stay out here without me, that he'll come back.


The show business thing is a side benefit he says. They don't even have a manager here at home anymore, though DD12 was sucessful when she was younger and has earned over $20,000 that we've set aside for her.



We do have a lot of equity in our home, but the SoFla market is down 25% from last year and it would make sense to not sell right now. We both make good salaries, and H has a consulting offer our there in the 6 figures, but it's still less than he makes here. So financally it would be a big net loss. Another reason to wait.

Thanks, y'all, for being here today. I do feel a lot better, like it WILL be okay, that we CAN come to understand each other and negotiate this together. That I CAN get some work done today LOL.

Booka, I wasn't being sarcastic, I was being serious, I hope you will point it out if I slip up and get judgmental and abrasive.

Will do, I wanted to be clear that I wasn't being accusatory. I'm not that abreast of your whole story.

As it is, I will be offline for 9-days starting tomorrow. I wish you the best.

Booka, I didn't think you were being accusatory. I got it that it was a suggestion in general, and a very valid one. Oh my goodness I had unknowingly sabatoged myself and my family for a long time with that blame stuff. Enjoy your 9 days, where are they taking you?

Yes, that's what I meant.

If that job is not in the better of 6 figures, like at least 150,000, it'll be like earning 75,000-100,000 anywhere else. I guess the point to discuss is "Why are you (him) considering taking a job that is a step down, just to be in California? What is your payoff. Will being there make you so much happier that you won't mind living in a lower standard of living? And would it not be worth considering passing on this job and waiting for the one you really want, that's a step up? And by then, I'll be in a better place with you re the marriage and will be more enthusiastic. I want to be supportive, you're my husband, but this just doesn't feel right."

I am in the St. Louis metro area and will be traipsing northward to a place I consider a second home, the western coast of Michigan. My parents will be celebrating they're 50th wedding anniversary (I have a slight problem with their accounting!). My siblings who are scattered about are supposed to join us. I am driving and a good trip there is about 7-hours. I have two dear friends live there that I actually met through the XW and that stayed with me through the divorce and I have a day planned with one and will probably spend a couple of days with the other. Mots of both parents families are from that area and I should run into a bunch of those as well. And I hope to hit the beach at least one day.

I did not take a vacation last year as I was recovering from the divorce mentally, emotionally, and financially. I had bought a brand-new house and that pretty much consumed my time and budget last year. This year, things are innumerably better.

Did you say you're in southern FL now? I used to live on the Atlantic-side in Melbourne Beach and like to vacation in the Ft. Myers area.

See, cat, that's where talking this stuff through helps, because he may say, well, the economy is bad right now, not enough jobs, it will take too long to find the right job. But even if that is hard to accept, better to accept that and make decisions with all the facts than to say, "If only I knew!"

Booka, that sounds like a great trip! Melbourne is beautiful; and H and I have talked about relocating there or Orlando in the past, too, LOL. I'm further south, down by Fort Lauderdale.

We're going to Orlando next month!

Agreed on all points. I just don't understand the prevailing need to move RIGHT NOW.