I agree with Lexxxy. It is important for you to evaluate your desire to stay with your H. This is one of the first steps in realizing, really feeling, that you have a choice in the matter. I know you say that you are strong and capable...and I agree...but I think that sometimes we forget to act like the strong, capable women that we are.

It's a two way street. You want to do a great Plan A to keep the option open, but in the end, YOU have just as much choice as to whether or not you stay married as he does. You are not stuck with what he is willing to give you. You CAN ask for more.

HTM

I am still being nice and im him at work just to say hi and stuff. We are hugging and kissing hello and goodbye like normal. We keep contact throughout the day. I haven't been "lovebusting" I was having a hard time sleeping last night just thinking about times they had shared. This weekend when we had OW kids, I called him to join us at our friends house. He came, and had a good time. Then in the evening here, he hung out inside more than normal. I question whether he would have joined us, and also if he would have been inside instead of hanging out in the garage if they weren't here. Besides thinking about those things, I just realized that I am always waiting for my WH to snap back into himself and realized if I stay married, but he stays this man, that's not what I want. For now, I will ride it out, and stay on plan.

How are you doing today? Just checking in. I know it feels lonely sometimes...

HTM

Glad to hear you are back on track with Plan A.

Sink, part of the plan for recovery is NO CONTACT. Have you thought about how you and WH are going to accomplish this?
Is moving a possiblity? Having your sons hanging out with OW's sons is going to have to end. Your sons are going to have to know why.

You need to expose this affair. That is your next step.
Who needs to know?

First of all your boys.
Next OW's husband/x husband ??
Friends.
Family.

Who will support you in putting pressure on the affair?

Thank you, it is lonely. I want you to know I really appreciate you checking in! He has been my best friend fro 20 years. Even though he still lives here, the distance is evident.

His mom knows now...hasn't spoken to him yet, but just that she knows is having an effect on him. She and his stepdad know and a few of his friends. They live in his hometown about 2 hours from here. His best friend of 30 years has known for a while now. He calls every few months to check on me. He actually stopped talking to him all together for a few months there. He puts pressure, but my H is just so in a fog!

Her house is on the market. I think her plans are to move across state lines. She still may end up close, but at least our kids won't be in school and sports together.

you know, I was thinking about you and the fact that you were worried about me and wondering if you were o.k. now, I saw a post about songs...I have to share a story. The day after d-day I was doing daycare and the little boy a watch kneeled on the remote. It cahanged to CMT the song "STAY" was on ....It was very weird it had just come out, I had never heard it before, I watched the whole video and got chills. If you subsitute the word "home" for "her" when she starts the song, It's my story! very sad. That's why my post says I feel like the other woman. He has sent me songs before a lot. At least it shows he's thinking. How about" better as a memory then as your man." He said when he hears that he realizes that he doesn't want to just be a memory. I like not ready to make nice, leave the pieces, and yesterday I heard Wrong Again by Martina Mcbride....I think they either make me feel better or worse, have hope, that I am strong and even if the worst happens, I will be o.k.

We don't watch tv so songs are a HUGE trigger for me. When I had my last big fight with H and I stormed out to the truck...the song "I'm Done" was playing...

I wrote about H downloading a video for me. I think it was part of his way of telling me that he understood me being hurt and angry...it was "Before He Cheats." Well, I downloaded a song for him in response and it was a bit more uplifting. It's called "Till We Ain't Strangers Anymore" by Bon Jovi and LeAnn Rimes. It's awesome.

Also, when I found out about the EA the first time around, I dedicated "Homewrecker" to OW on our local radio...used her name and city too. A few months later I heard the dedication replayed. I guess I can hope that she heard it. Maybe they'll play it for her again. And don't tell me I haven't thought about making a few more dedications to her since then

HTM

Do you know how to find OUR threads? If you want to see what is going on in my recovery, you can click on my name and ask to see my posts. You can also just look for my thread name in GQII...it's called "Recovery Between Work, School, and Soccer?"

I'm only a few months ahead of you in recovery, but I have dealt with the A as a part of my life for 3+ years so sometimes I feel like I'm looking back at what I would have done differently if I had known the strategies.

I have lots of ups and downs though. And ask for advice all the time too.

HTM

Sink --

It just breaks my heart to think about all you have to deal with.

Its just unbearable that you have to face such triggers everyday.
I'm sure her boys are nice, and they are your boy's friends...
but GEEEEZ how difficult it must be for you to have them in your home.

That is just not something you should have to deal with.

Come here as often as you can -- we will support you.

Tell us more about your husband. How did you meet? How long did you date?

I am going to read your thread as soon as I can...thanks. I laughed so hard about your dedication...that is funny! I heard the duet you made reference to, very nice. Here are two..non country good ones...Buck Cherry I'm sorry ( to me) and All American Regects I can't take it.

Sink,

I haven't talked much about during the A...but I was in a similar situation. It hurts to talk about what my H expected me to accept.

I babysat her two children a couple of times (they were 2 and 6). We had OW, her husband and children to dinner a couple of times. We went to their house for several parties. OW brought her boys over to sled with mine (she stayed of course). OW helped plan my H's birthday party. I did OW's taxes. H and OW took our boys and her boys to a museum together...while I was at work. I even picked out an outfit for H to wear when he went to a dinner event with OW.

My H expected me to be friends with OW. I don't know HOW he could expect that, but in his twisted mind it was perfectly acceptable. I also don't know how I ALLOWED it to happen. We were both messed up.

As long as you allow connections between your two families, you will suffer with those triggers. While I understand that you don't want your kids to suffer, you are cushioning an effect of your H's A. You need to tell your kids that OW boys will no longer be allowed at your house because H has chosen to have an inappropriate relationship with OW. Your H will HATE that you do this, but YOU did not create this problem...you are just the messenger. And until there is NO CONTACT, the gloves should be off with exposure.

Read up on exposing the A. I feel like you haven't done it enough.

HTM

Thanks, He is (was) a great guy. Not a loud kind of guy, quiet and deep. Very attractive- one time a few years ago, we were at an old neighbors house swimming, she said he's a good looking guy, but at what cost. It's funny how that resonates now. She just knew I was always making excuses for him not wanting to do things, and he always was a little controlling. We met in comm. college. He had always gotten very good grades and when his first semester in college grades came in with a couple of c's his dad made him continue at comm. college until he got his grades back up. Which he did...We were just very good friends til he had to move to other coast for a year. That's when we realized we wanted to be more than friends. We did several visits back and forth that year and then he moved back. At first with my mom and I and then we moved out on our own. I was very scared at the time, such a big step, but he urged me to take the leap. So at 21 and 19 we moved in together. We have had lots of struggles through the years but also many good times. None of our struggles were with our relationship, we both knew we were where we should be. We bought a townhouse, got married had kids, moved to a bigger house, a guess it was just the years and stress of life and kids that got us. We were never the most obnoxiosly happy couple, I guess we always tended to be angry in general. Not the most positive attitudes, even though really, life was good. He is a very hard worker and provider, but maybe to our own detriment. Like when I worked full time and had one baby and was pregnant with the next he started working pt at night. It was a lot on me. He continued doing that until just last year. I had to stay home after the third...didn't pay to work anylonger. I did work pt still to earn my keep. He was never big on me staying home. I always wanted to because I was a latch key kid and only child (pretty lonely) He had always drank too much, but controlled it until most recently. The thing I found most attractive was him as a father. He loved his step brothers and really helped care for them when he was with them. I knew he would be a great father, and he is. He loves very deeply. He does tend to not want to do things as a family though. It's always me pushing. He would rather hang out here at the house with them.

I think if I ever had to find someone again, I would just be looking for someone to put me on a pedestal a little bit and be loud,funny,outgoing, and make me laugh.

If tom. my H returned to who he used to be, I would want nothing more then to grow old with him.

yes, what it creates when you had these lives that are connected, is too many memories of what you failed to see, or what a sick thing it was for him to think you should deal with any of that. The hard part is knowing that re-hashing all of those thoughts do us no good, but trying to make them stop is impossible. I know I have to stop living for the dream that could very well be lost, and just get on with living. I never intended for this to go on this long for me. I certainly hope I have the good sense to go forward with this process, so I'm not still in the same boat three months from now...I won't let that happen.

Sink --

If you stick with us, and follow the plans -- we won't LET you be in the same boat!

WH has really pulled a number on you. He's had you believing things and following HIS plan (when in fact he really doesn't have one...)

WH has used your fears to keep you in place. He has manipulated you into isolation. By keeping you quiet, and not exposing -- he has isolated you from those who would support you -- possibly into making a decision he doesn't want you to make.

This is a tactic ABUSERS use. To isolate their victims.
While he may not be physically or verbally abusive -- this is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. And you've been living in this environment for far too long.

You could experience post-traumatic stress just from living in the conditions you've been in. Please please consider anti-depressants, so that you have more control over your emotions.
Right now you don't want your emotions to control you.

Make no mistake about this -- your husband is not working towards any resolution. His goal is to keep things exactly as they are.

I think in the beginning I thought there was hope for us. I still felt a closeness between us. I truly do blame him for the time after me discovering it, letting our love slowly die. That's what has happened. I want to ask him for an update...what is he doing right now that will help us save our marriage. What steps is he taking to say goodbye. Why should I be the only one working at this.

I am trying so hard not to do my typical thing...I am going to write it here so that maybe I can at least wait til tonight to say what I have to say. I got a printout of his phone records a few months ago, so I know at that point they were speaking on his commute sometimes, and at night. He has been a little distant these last two days. I wonder if he is seeing what it would be like to not talk with me and not answer to me. (Although he has always just pretty much done what he wanted) I want to know if he has spoken to her last night or today....If he has, then it's not just being depressed...it is showing a preference.

Sink -- stop trying to catch him.
There is no point in any more confrontations about OW.
He is addicted to her, he has never agreed or promised to stop contacting her. Just assume they are talking, and move on.
You confronting him, yet again, about OW is only going to LoveBust him. It is going to further convince him that he should just leave you because you are never going to get over this.

Work YOUR PLAN.

What are you doing TODAY to be a better wife?

Make his favorite meal. Schedule a babysitter so you can go out tonight - just you and him. Thank him or notice something good he did. When he gets home, FLIRT with him...walk up and give him a huge long kiss! Send him a suggestive text.

And its not fair, but for a while you ARE going to be the only one working on this.

You're doing it for your kids. To keep their family together.
You are a warrior goddess fighting for her family.

Don't let the affair/OW/or moody husband turn you into some bitchy whiny complaining woman.

Fight harder and better for your family. Rise above them!

all-righty then...thanks for steering me.