Today is a new day. I am coping better with the guilt and shame that my WW has tried to burden me with after the exposure. The huge weight in my stomach also seems to have lifted somewhat, and I am ready to start making some huge love bank deposits.

I anyone out there has any ideas or tips about these first couple of days, I am all ears

Will keep you updated

The first days are just awful. I think the best to hope for is get through them. It is VERY difficult.

Not2fun had a post with suggestions for dealing with resentment. I paraphrase when I say, 1) pray 2) focus on something positive the WS has done that day. 3) keep a journal (I had to buy a bigger one because I could not get all my feelings into the little space of my old one) 4) do something nice for the WS. I added a couple more for me.... exercise regularly and postpone ALL resentment until April 2010 (for us D-Day plus 2 years).

The other thing I did was talk to just about everyone I knew and ask for support and prayers. I have heard from people I have not talked to in years and they are all rooting for us.

BTW, do not accept guilt and shame from your spouse regaring exposure. The choice to have an affair was hers, not yours. You are trying to save your marriage. I am not that experienced, but sounds like the same kind of fog my WH was in.

Hold your head high.

You took the high road.

When I told my wife I had called her OM's wife a monster emerged that I had never seen before.

She screamed, "I HATE YOU. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN." Her wedding ring was thrown at me. I was accused of ruining our marriage and theirs. Any damage to the OM's kids was being blamed on me.

I didn't react with the suaveness of MelodyLane's suggestion -- I just sat in silence and stared at her. I caught her ring and put it in my pocket.

It will pass. She will come around. She will most likely do it internally before she admits it to you. Don't expect some grand apology when she realizes what a POS her OM was/is.

Take satisfaction in having done the right thing. Hold your head high. As Bob Pure said in a post (paraphrase): Ours is a hero's lot.

Good for you.

I would keep an even tone and remind her that the consequence were the result of her and OM's subterfuge. No further discussion, defend your position reasonably, then ...STOP.

Be cautious of overdoing the love deposits. Too many at this stage may seem false and potentially manipulative in her mind.

Listen to her body language and beware of the fog babble. Do not let it "get" to you.

Look after yourself. Keep fit. Spiritually healthy. This is time to pray to God for His peace. Be socially active. In short, be attractive to her.

I have discovered a list of 34 practical points recommended to BS at the Divorce Busters website. Many of these would be relevant in your situation.

Surf this MB site because it has a well structured and moderated set-up. Here is evidence by the posters themselves of the MB principle working in practice.

Thanks for the posts.

I am keeping you all in my prayers.

I also take the point of not have my deposits appear false or manipulative.

Could you direct me to the 34 points imagine?

V

Viking,

You are doing well. Isn't funny how YOU ruined a marriage with HER adultery???? What you are seeing is the failure of the two cheaters to accept that their actions have consequences. Of course it has to be your fault, after all they are just good people doing good things, because they deserve to feel good. What a crock.

If you remain here for a year or so, or as in my case 9 years or so, you are going to wonder if somehow they don't hand out a handbook for the waywards to read from. I mean they don't just say the same things, they say EXACTLY they same things with EXACTLY the same words. It is truly amazing.

I know you don't find it funny now, but if you step back, do some more reading here, you will begin to see the same patterns, the same words, the same justifications over and over and over. At that point your view of WW's actions will be tinted with a bit of humor. It is like watching a play.

Be kind, be gentle, be firm, enforce your boundaries, don't issue ultimatum's, just state where you stand on things, and let her go through withdrawal. Yup, Harley uses that word, because a WW spouse going into NC is like a drug addict going through withdrawal. it is painful for them, and it is painful to be near. Yet they must do it. Anc actually there truly are brain chemical issues that time addresses. They did get a HIGH from what they were doing, so stand back and wait. Withdrawal is a major pain.

Please do expose the affair to his/her company. You actually have the grounds for a law suit, I am sure her company knows this and will help facilitate his departure from this job.

Hang in there, do plenty of reading and rest assured that the other here are giving you the straight word. This is just so painfully common when dealing with an affair.

God Bless,

JL

I second this. If more people did this, companies would start making a bigger deal out of it.

Dear All

Thanks for your guidance.

I will try my best this weekend and will update you soon.

I've been feeling better after all the posts and I now realise that it is important to start looking after myself during this time.

I am getting the typical WW reaction after the exposure - she is not communicating with me nearly as much as in the past, but I now know that this is part of the process and it will not phase me.

I finally feel as though I know which direction this process needs to go.

V

I don't know if I missed this part...but is she still working with OM?

Viking,

Read this thread and you will some interesting things. Eeeyors thread

JL

Hey there V

I'm not too computer savvy, so here's a quick listing from DB:
I THINK THAT THESE ARE IMPLEMENTED WHEN A SPOUSE HAS ALREADY INITIATED DIVORCE

Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out good points in marriage.
Don't follow around the house.
Don't ask help from family members.
Don't ask for reassurance.
Don't buy gifts.
Don't spy on spouse.
Don't say "I love you"
Act as if you are moving on with your life.
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
Don't wait around on your spouse -get busy, go out go to church, etc.
Be brief on words if you start a conversation.
Stop any previous habit of asking spouse whereabouts.
Your partner needs to think that you have been awakened and is moving on with your life, with or without them.
Express no negative emotions, no coldness, anger disenchantment.
No matter how you are feeling NOW, only show happiness and contentment.
Let only your spouse broach marital questions.
NEVER lose temper.
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Don't argue about their feelings. It only causes reinforcement.
Be patient.
LISTEN carefully at what spouse is REALLY saying.
Learn to BACK off when you really want to give them a piece of your mind.
Take care of yourself. Exercise, laugh Focus on areas not in turmoil.
Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
Your smallest consistent actions speak louder than the most eloquent words.
NEVER be openly desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating to your spouse.
Do not believe what you hear and only half of what you see when dealing with your spouse.
Do not give up, no matter how dark it seems or how bad you feel.
Do not backslide from hard-earned changes.

You know, as I read these points, I realise that the Bible has conveyed most of these and many more, but far more succinctly.

Please temper the implementation of this list by FIRSTLY studying MARRIAGE BUILDER principles. Choose those that are specifically relevant to your circumstances.
[i][/i]

Viking, I just read up on your story and wanted to say WAY to GO! You are off to a good start. So many come here and ask what to do, then when given the MB principles, chicken out and come up with reasons not to. Sounds like you are willing to do the right thing, even when it's tough. BRAVO!

Hang in there, hold your head up, and know that you have friends here who are praying for you.

Dear Friends

Thank you for all the great advice and prayers.

I have been implementing Plan A for the past couple of weeks and things in general are going ok.

My problem is that i suspect my WS has broken NC and is communicating with the OM again. What is my best course of action? Do I confront and again request NC?

Please give me your thoughts.

Regards

V

Viking,

You told us the AP was your W's boss. Is he still at her place of employment?

Who else did you expose to besides OMW?

The OM has resigned, but will still be working with my wife for another 2 weeks.

I am concerned about the situation as I feel I cannot trust her in respect of him. although she says that their only contact is business related, I have not received any real commitment in terms of radical honesty from her.

Should I reaffirm the radical honesty policy (although I know that she is going to come back at me accusing me of not trusting her and how this is more damaging to our relationship and similar fog talk) or simply maintain my plan A status while doing as much snooping as possible?

Thanks for the guidance

V

"Only business contact" is still contact. I wouldn't believe her for a minute that that is all that's going on, but even if it is, it still puts her into a state of withdrawal and from what I've read here it pretty much sets her back to day one every time there is contact of any type.

In light of that, know that your attempts to make deposits in her love bank won't have much effect right now or until NC has been established and she's had time to go through withdrawal.

I don't know what you mean by "reaffirm the Radical Honesty Policy" - I think basically you're hoping that if you say "Honey, please tell me the truth, that there's been NC" that she'll tell you it's so and that will make it so.

Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. She's in contact with him and she's not going to be ready to buy into Radical Honesty for quite some time yet. If you push this policy, you're going to be perceived by her as controlling, preachy, parental, judgmental.

Who did you expose to besides OMW?

Viking,

Ok, brace for a full all out 2X4.

You said
HELLOOOOOO! You don't trust her. Why should you worry about her "accusing you" of not trusting her. Only a fool would trust her. She has had an A, she is not being open and forthcoming and her actions are all defensive. Does this sound like a woman you can trust? It is not.

Why do you worry about something so stupid as her accusation that you don't trust her?

LOOK THE WOMAN IN THE EYES AND SAY WHAT IS GOING ON? When she says something about trust, you look her in the eyes: DO I LOOK LIKE A FOOL? I DON'T TRUST YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO EARN MY TRUST. WHEN YOU DO YOU WILL RECEIVE THE TRUST YOU DESERVE. Then step back and walk out of the room.

Viking, you won't have a W until you explain to her how the cow ate the cabbage. What the heck are you doing worrying that she might accuse you of not trusting you.

Guidance: Of course you talk about radical honesty. Further, you expect an explanation from her about her behavior of late. Further, you explain that you will speak with HR in her company about any contact still going on, and then find a lawyer. They have set up a situation that could cost them huge money since OM is her boss.

Young man, if you going to play this game, play it to win. You are just fooling around wondering about this and that. You did very well, and then you fell into the "I wonder if she...". You KNOW what is right, you know what is wrong, and you know a liar when you see one. You are married to a liar until such time as she makes the effort to earn your trust.

You have the tools here, you have people that have supported and enouraged the actions you have taken, which were good, and effective. Why are you doubting yourself now?

The art of success is finishing the task. You are not finishing like you would. Your W's accusations should roll off of you like water off of a duck. Just look at her, and tell her the truth. You don't trust her, and right now I doubt you respect her very much. All of that can change, but it will only happen when she changes her behavior. No amount of accusations should deter you from this point of view.

Viking, radical honesty is a MUST in your situation.

God Bless,

JL

Dear JL and friends

Thanks - I needed that.

I have had a good hard think and it is time to step up and play to win!

I am no longer going to worry - i am going to act.


Will let you know how it went.

V

Hot D**n,

Now you are talking Viking. Here is the point that many miss. You can be far more generous from a position of strength and confidence than you can from weakness.

You know what you know, you are who you are. You don't have to be mean, you don't have to try and hurt her, but you do need to firmly explain your position and your expectations (of yourself and of her).

I would also engage a lawyer to consider suing the company that has continued to allow contact between OM and your W. Given he is/was her boss, they are liable for what has happened and so is HE.

Play to win, is exactly what you are here for. There are lots of tools, but you MUST have the will to use them and that starts with "radical honesty".

God Bless,

JL