Your H is still involved in an active affair and is running over you with the car again and again.


I would not continue to stay in this abuse. You need to see an attorney and put together legal documents to protect yourself and your children financially and either file for a legal seperation or divorce. I would then proceed to ask your H to leave and go into PlanB.

You must do a thorough Plan A until he moves out. You cannot PlanB with him in the house.

Start making moves to protect you and your children.

Sorry for not responding lately I'm not doing well at all! I'm a total mess and my children are suffering. He moved back about 2 months ago and implemented plan A since then - Most of his things are still at the OW's house - although he denied it.

Everything was fine and I was about to do Plan B but we got into a big argument 2 days ago and he left today & hadn't come home - didn't call me to let me know. He gave me the silent treatment for 2 days. So should I still do plan B? The problem is he still denied the NC.

I was almost tempted to drive and park in front of her house tomorrow because I know they both will be leaving to train for their triathlon. That's the only way I can prove to him that I know he's lying to me and then send him the PLan B letter.

Help????? I don't know what to do???? I've been crying emotionally a wrecked.

Hi VL,

It doesn't sound like you've been following the plans that others have suggested.

You should go into B. The problem is that you had a big argument just a couple of days ago.

How was it going before that? Were you in Plan A? Did you expose like others suggested? This is an important step. You can't skip it.

You are letting this man walk all over you. How long are you going to put up with this?

I know how you feel. I know EXACTLY how you feel. But until you start DOING SOMETHING about it, it will NOT change. You have to reach down inside yourself and grab that strength that is there.

You can do it. You CAN.

So come on, DO IT!!

Thanks for words of encouragement. Before the argument - Plan A have been exposed to everyone also the OW - but I couldn't find any of her families members, etc. My H is so secretive about this OW. I have confronted the OW so she knows that I existed. I've been doing the Love Busters and all - Plan A has been great until this argument 2 days ago.

I am doing Plan B but should I drive up to her house tomorrow just to let him know that the A is not over because he still denied it and say I am paranoid over it????

What to do?

You are already in Plan B? Have you taken steps to protect your assets? Did you give him a PBL?

Are you even ready for Plan B? Plan B is for you, not him. Most WS's, heck, maybe even all, see it as some sort of punishment for them.

It is for the BS, though, not the WS.

I don't know if driving over and confronting him and/or them is a good idea. What good will it do? It will only upset you further. I wouldn't do it if I were you.

I think it will only cause them to have another reason to justify their actions because then they can say that YOU are "crazy."

Charlotte

Sorry but I'm new to the lingo - but what is PBL?

Let me get this right - plan B is for me and NC with him what so ever. I got that part down. BUt I do not want to file for divorce - the point of this is to save my marriage correct?

The only way I can protect the assets and future of the girls is to file for a divorce so the court can put a temporary hold on our assets - I guessed I am still a little confused with Plan B and filing for divorce. Does both co-exist together?

Well, I don't know what state you are in. In Texas, I had to file for divorce and get a TRO to protect our assets. I didn't want to but I had to.

I just told Shiny that I wanted to drag this out as long as possible, so that's what you do.

Filing does not mean divorcing. You can drop the suit anytime you like. Once you get that protection, though, you won't want to lose it!! Otherwise you are at the mercy of the adulterers!!

My apologies: PBL=Plan B letter.

Charlotte

Hi Charlotte, thank you - I'm in TX as well. I didn't know that about the divorce procedure. So when I send out the PBL to him - I was reading "Surviving the Affair" it said to send the same PBL to the OW.

I don't know if I want to do that - she already tried to wreck this marriage the day he moved back home 2 mons ago by slipping her underwear under one of his T-shirt. She has no conscience what so ever - she wants this marriage to fall apart and wants to keep my H. Things I wrote down on the PBL is very personal and I don't want her reading the same letter?

You're welcome.

And you're in Texas! YAY!

Yeah, it's recommended that the OW gets the PBL as well.

Are you going to post it here for recommendations?

It can't be too flowery and romantic and all. Short and to the point. Almost clinical in its simplicity.

If you wrote a lot of personal stuff then you will need to do a rewrite.

Charlotte

I will rewrite it and post it on here for suggestions because I will need it. Thanks so much.

Here is an example. This is the one I used. Melody Lane was the editor for mine:

Dearest Husband XXX,

This letter will be the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write in my life but I must write it. I am beyond sad and upset about what has become of us, our friendship and our marriage. I must write this letter to you in order to convey this message that is of utmost importance.

Ever since we met and began dating, progressing to engagement and then our wonderful marriage…our time together has been filled with an endless number of kisses, hugs, smiles, laughter and tears. “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly,” but always The Beautiful…the way we took care of each other through good times and bad and stood up for one another against every foe. I have loved every minute of life with you, our life together.

I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you. My addiction, my health problems, including my depression, drove a wedge into our marriage. I need you to know that I NEVER intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain of your relationship with XXX has been unimaginable. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone in the world, even those who have hurt me beyond measure. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don’t want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with XXX or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision.

In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact XXX, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with XXX completely, please contact me and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am committed to our marriage. I believe we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have ever experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart and soul.

Your Loving Wife,

XXX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, well, there was a little bit of mush in this one but it wasn't over the top.

Charlotte

Okay, VL,

Good idea. And you're welcome.

Charlotte

Here's my Plan B Letter! I need some suggestions and input.

Dear XXX,

This letter will be the hardest letter I've ever had to write in my life but I must write it. I am beyond sad and upset about what has become of us, our friendship and our marriage to each other.

I am sad that I couldn't be the woman you needed and wanted. I am sad that I couldn't provide the support, the encouragement, and the admiration for you. One that you have needed from me for such a long time.

I know I have not been a perfect wife for you. I foolishly pursued my attention to the children and to the our house where we built our family together without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important needs. I needed you to know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain of your relationship with her has been unimaginable to me and to the children. The girls and I are so happy to see you home. That we can provide a stable environment for the girls. And you made such a different in them and in me.

We have know each other since our college years. We have traveled the distant and experienced the good and the bad times together and I have always been by your side. I have cared for you at times you may not want to be cared for.

If you can imagine your life without me and the girls and see yourself being happy with her - then I will step aside for you. I will do that for you because I care for your happiness. I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other. I will not be here when you want to see the girls. I will arrange to have Barb to be the person you can contact regarding the girls visitation and any other matters. I asked you that you can not take the girls to see this other woman.

I asked that you respect my decision. Once you have ended your relationship with her completely - then we can discuss our future together.

I want us to rebuild our marriage some day. I want to meet each other's need and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. I am committed to our marriage and hope of restoring it to a place where it will be stronger and more beautiful.

With all my love, VL

Well, this is what I found so far:


I think you should take this one out. It is a DJ, IMO.


I don't think this paragraph is a good idea.

I'll mull it over some more and let you know what else.

I'm sure some others will hop in with some suggestions, too.

Hang in there!

Charlotte

I think some of the letter is bashing yourself too much. Take 50% of the responsibility for the state of the marriage, but don't bash yourself. A WH takes that and runs with it.

It was explained to me that this might be the last love letter I would get to write to my hubby so I took a nano second to remind him of the good times.

To take responsibility for my part in the marriage, to let him know that I was changing myself because I wanted to and that this was hurting me too deeply. To show him there was a way to come home if he should ever choose that path and that I loved him, but his actions had consequences and losing me was a consequence.

So, having said that, there are a few grammar and typos, do you want to know about those first or later.

I'm no expert, but you may want to add something about, you are doing this in order to preserve the love that you feel for him; that with him continuing to contact the OW, your love will not last, and you want to preserve what love you have left for when he is prepared to work on the marriage.

In other words, DON'T leave him thinking that you will always love him forever no matter what he does. Unconditional love is NOT taught on the MB site.

Show him that there is a clear path back to you, IF he agrees to NC... but you aren't promising that door will remain open forever. He can't go "play" for 10 or 20 years and expect you to be still waiting like a doormat. You deserve respect, and your letter should be written in a way that expects you will be treated with respect.

JMHO without knowing all your story...

In my opinion, a Plan B letter should be strong, respectful and lay out clear boundaries. But, you can't be a wimp. And you need to call a spade a spade. I tried to preserve your style of writing while at the same time making the corrections I believe would be in your best interest and hit him the hardest.

Larry

I agree with the suggestions the others made. I would remove this:


And change to: I will have the girls come out to the car when you pick them up for visitation. I ask that you do not enter the house.

You don't EVEN want a WS barging in your house while you are in Plan B. That would be a disaster which would defeat the purpose of Plan B. Most WS strongly RESIST Plan B because they don't like losing control of the BS and will try anything to get you to talk to them. They need you to stay on the plantation in order to prop up the affair. So, don't make the mistake of letting him come in.

Change your LOCKS before you send the letter.

What about your finances? Have you separated your finances? What are the financial arrangements?

And most importantly, are you PREPARED to avoid his attempts at contact after you deliver the letter? Because he WILL try to test your resolve to see if you really mean it. And if you cave in and allow him to break through, your credibility will be shot and you will have forfeited any leverage.

Thank you everyone for the revision of PBL. The only way I can protect our assets is to file for divorce after sending that PBL to him and to the OW. My other question is the PBL to the OW - is it the same one to my H - I don't need to add anything to it?

My H will be very angry when I changed the lock and he has no control over me. He likes to be in control of everything.

To be honest I'm afraid to file for the big "D" that because he may go ahead and tell me "Ok I will give you a divorce".

VL, your first responsibility is to your children and their support. If you have to do that in order to support your children, then you have to do that. A divorce can always be stopped, but your kids have to be supported in the meantime. He will have an opportunity to stop the divorce if he ends the affair.