o.k another example...Already tonight there was a gap in his contact with me...he had to charge his phone...now he needed to go see someone about working pt. As he's leaving he asked "are you worried..." no reaction then he says...by the way, she has no access to e-mail at her new job either. I just said nothing he gave me a kiss and then left. I was so holding back!!!! I thought of saying calmly...please keep any details about your mistress to yourself...the next thing I want to hear about her is that you aren't going to talk to her ever again. but... I said nothing. Wasn't exactly cheery, but just didn't shoot off a dirty looks or say anything sh+*ty.

oh he is so wanting a reation out of me...he just called and explained why he is telling me those things..I just said nothing...I don't know what to say, so I just say nothing. He is at a loss, cause normally I wouldn't start yelling but I would say, "well, if you weren't talking to her at all...you wouldn't have to tell me that. That is what I need to hear that you will stop talking to her." He is just fishing for a reaction at this point. I understand that I am trying to keep my husband here, but who's to say there isn't a better choice out there for me...what is he doing for me? Will I ever trust him again. If he gets a pt job 1 night a week, won't I always just be waiting for the next chick?

Okay, maybe I missed it, but why haven't you gone to Plan B?

still gone...right now, I'm wondering too. I am trying to wait the one month to show him what he will be missing...I really am trying...

I don't know, but seems to me you have been doing this too long. What may happen is that you get so resentful that when he wants to save the marriage, you will have no interest. And believe me, it happens overnight.

That has been my concern all along...you may be right. Besides the love I felt for one boyfriend in high school, I have never loved another man. No one even has turned my head. I have never even been the least bit interested in anyone else since I was 19 years old. Because that trust has been broken and the devotion I have always shown for him was not recipricated, I don't know if I am already to that point of no return....When he came home, once again, I just said nothing about the fact that I know while he was out at the very least he was probably talking or texting her.

Good! I'm glad you didn't feel the need to BATTLE with him about contact. Just assume it and move on.

When he came in the door did you walk up to him and hug him? What PLAN A actions are you taking? What PLAN A acions do you have planned?

Believer -- this SHORT Plan A is about damage control. She has been lovebusting him right and left.

I'm trying to get her up to speed on Emotional Needs and Plan A.
Please join in!

Next is to eliminate all lovebusters.

Then full exposure. Then another week or two of Plan A.

THEN PLAN B.

Oh, I see. Like Lexxxy says, just assume there is contact. I was like you, drove myself crazy trying to catch my ex. All of the denial and lies gets real tiring. Just assume there is contact and continue with your short Plan A. When you feel like LB'ing, come here. We understand.

In the meantime, make a good life for yourself, meet his EN's and be the woman he fell in love with. And keep in mind that you don't have to do this for long.

I was on board...I thought I could do it, just completely ruined the whole thing...back to my old ways...not yelling and screaming but went ahead and said what was on my mind...Sorry...I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I came home this morning (haircut) and my son had called OW son to come over...this always used to happen conviently when I wasn't home and then of course he had nothing to do with it. He explained that the older son called back and said they had plans till at least 5:30. I didn't say anything...I just was fuming. Then he trys to hug me and say he was sorry and didn't have anyhting to do with it. He said he would call and say forget it...I told him that wasn't what I cared about...it was that I have something to worry about. That he is still talking to her that we are in this position I said what the hell, invite her for dinner...I asked him had he been happy for 2 years...cause I hadn't. I told him that She is the type of person that is always gonna need him for something. If he was helping her with her move and what her future plans are then he should just go ahead and make those plans with her. I said he is so worried about what she is going through, but can't stop to think about the fact that all I ever wanted was a happy family, and he just keeps this going. I told him I had always tried to be a good wife for him. This was all as he was getting ready to go somewhere...then he left to go. I texted I never intended to ruin our day ...he just said me either. I know...love busting...unrespectful judgements etc. I could not help it. I'm really not sorry for anything I said....it is all true. If he hasn't stopped this in 2 years, what makes me think he will start now. I am mostly just disappointed in myself that I only made it like 4 days. Sorry!

I have been exactly where you are...and my H did it for two years before he broke it off. Not that it actually ended...but that's MY story not yours.

You didn't blow it completely! You just need to get back on program with Plan A. If you make a mistake like that, then you just keep going the best you can. People CAN change even after two years.

Take the advice of those here...when you feel the need to explode, come here and vent. Maybe you can come up with a "broken record" statement to respond to him when you are upset. Something that is not an LB but helps you to remind yourself of WHY you are holding back. Let's see...

"I am unhappy with the way our M is right now. But I love you and am doing my best to fight for us. I hope that someday, we can recover together."

Just a suggestion. It could be a verbal que for you to step away from the situation...and he might start realizing that he is not going to get a fight out of you, that something has changed. It may also help you to redirect your energy. You don't need to worry about what you will say the next time that there is a problem...you already know. That way you can focus on all of the great things you are going to do to show H why you are the better choice.

HTM

Sink;

This is yet another reason why this affair must be exposed.
Simply sit down with your oldest son and let him know OW's son will no longer be invited over to play -- because Daddy and OW are more than friends. That daddy wants to be with her instead of mommy and that is NOT RIGHT when you are married.

There is nothing wrong with telling your husband that you are upset -- its just important that your delivery isn't a lovebuster. No yelling.

You've got to change that pattern of YOUR behavior.

Get back on track. Work YOUR plan and don't let OW destroy YOUR family.

Who else needs to know about this affair?
First, your children.
OW's husband?
OW's family?
WH's family?
Your family?

And by the way, where is he going?
Why do you spend so much time separately?

Ran across this tonight and thought you might like to read it too. This was originally posted by Pepperband...

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

That is all good stuff, I have read a lot and gotten good advice here. I really think I do do most of that. There have been very few times when we actually yell or fight. Mostly if he is drinking. I will continue to so those things. Even this weekend with all that going on, and the brothers did spend the night here! He did tell me at the end of the weekend he appreciated the way I treated them. I am a very kind person and he does appreciate my position. He apologized all weekend that it was happening. (I know big whoop) It was a very bad situation, my kids did have a lot of fun, and their family member came to get them. My WH feels very bad for the position the boys are in. He went through the exact same thing. Only his father did financially help his mom. She is not getting any help at all and he makes no attempt to see his children. It all still comes back to being her fault for her original PA. He had promised her that no matter what happened he would always be her friend and it is tearing him apart to know that he must break his promise. Though he felt bad for them and even tried to talk to the older boy a little that night, I told him that without knowing it, he was part of their problem. That because of him their mom is not moving on with her life.

By the time last night came along he just hugged me and said. I love each of my children and you. I know where I belong. I am trying....I am trying.

Her husband knows. My WH mom and step father and best friend know.
My mom knows my best friend knows.

He goes to the gym. He stands out in the garage and smokes and drinks a lot.

I have tried already to have my home be some place he would miss. It's not perfect, but warm and he absolutely would miss his home. I am 5.5 and the most I have ever weighed is 135...I have lost a little over ten lbs. I feel much better. I truly feel it was just the friendship that he craved just talk and share life history with someone new. I think it was exciting that someone was interested in knowing everything about him. After all after 20 years, I know most of it by now. She was laid back and cool. My WH is a very in shape and attractive man so I'm sure she was only to anxious for it to move past friendship. Sometimes I wish he wasn't attractive.

You are doing the best that you can. Don't blame yourself. Just realize that Plan B is right around the corner and you don't have to keep this up for long.

He has changed so much during these two years...will he ever be himself again? I'm not sure I want to have a life with this man.

Sink;

I think its good that you are questioning his value.
Because it has seemed up to this point that you were willing to accept anything from him.

Now what are you doing for Plan A today?

You need to read up the proper execution of Plan A.
I wish I knew how to link threads, because both Bugsmom and Lilsis did the best Plan A's I've ever seen!