UPDATE:

So my WW sent me an email back. As mentioned before I have not seen or talked to her for nearly 2 weeks since we had the house appraised. She's finally asked to see the appraisal. I guess that isn't a good sign, she's starting to move forward again towards getting the separation? That appraisal would be the only thing that either of us needed to draw up the sep papers...and I was confident that she wouldn't ask for it. Nearly two weeks after the appraisal she asks for it.

Here is her email:

"Hey,

Way to go. You should be more careful! I haven't been up to much lately. Sick with a cold so I didn't get to go see (sister's baby) or (other sister) over the weekend. Feel like crap, all stuffed up and what not. Works really busy because of layout and (big boss)is coming in tomorrow. Blah.

Just curious, did the assesment ever come in? If it did can you send me a copy of it? I'd like to see it.

XXXXXX

Any ideas of where I should be going with this???

I'd ask her if she's feeling better. Ask if you can bring her anything from the drug store, or some chicken soup. Then tell her you'll try to get her a copy but you're extremely busy right now, what with the working out, job, new friends, and new hobbies you've picked up. So you'll get to it as soon as you have a spare minute.

Then don't do it for another week. At least.

You don't have to make it easy for her to separate from you.

The fact that she keeps your emails shows that your Plan A is having an impact. She may SAY she's done. She may even file sep. papers -- but your Plan A is keeping her confused and on the fence.

Reply to her email (or better yet, call her) and tell her you'll be happy to drop off a copy of the appraisal info. See if she'd like to meet you for lunch or coffee after work and you could bring the appraisal to her then. She'll almost certainly say no, but the invitation has been made and will register somewhere in the depths of her mind. Just keep it upbeat and friendly - you've been doing a spectacular job of that with your emails, by the way.

Start drafting your Plan B letter and be sure to post it here and get input from folks who have seen good and bad Plan B letters. They'll help you avoid pitfalls that would weaken your Plan B.

A Plan B letter should include the following, as succinctly as possible:
- Statement of your love for wife
- Acknowledgment that you contributed to the bad state of the M (but *don't* take any ownership for her decision to have an A)
- Desire to improve (with a concrete example or two, perhaps)
- Her actions/decisions are painful and killing your love for her
- To protect what love you have left, you desire no further interaction from her until she's ready to give up OM and work on the M
- Mediator info
- Another statement of your love

Are there any arrangements that need to be made, like child visits, who pays what bills, etc.? That will need to be mentioned too.

Hmm... I like catperson's idea of making her wait and WORK for the separation. But it doesn't make sense that you'd have time to bring her soup or medicines, but not have time to bring the appraisal.

Is there some other reason you could delay it? Maybe tell her the appraisal has been done and she can get a copy from XYZ company? If you do that (in a very friendly, helpful way) then she'll probably procrastinate getting around to contacting them herself. Think of it almost like you're telling her that the new dry cleaners is open for business, and they're real helpful and nice there. In the back of your mind you're thinking SHE has to take her own clothes to get them cleaned, if she wants them cleaned. You don't say it to her, just think it so you stay strong and firm rather than letting her railroad you into mailing her a copy yourself. Does that make sense? You're not holding out on her, you're giving her the info she wanted (sort of).

I like the soup/meds idea, too!

I like my idea of an excuse to get together for lunch/coffee, but that would make the separation easier. It's more important to make her work for the separation - you have other ways to make love bank deposits, and it seems she's noticing that. But she's NOT feeling the consequences of her actions. Yet. Much.

I like catperson's idea of offering a little help while she's sick but like said she'll say no, and that if I have the time to do that I should have time to get her the appraisal.

Problem with her asking for the appraisal is that WW was standing with myself and the appraiser when she told me that she would email me the appraisal Mon-Wed last week. So, WW knows I'll have a copy that can be forwarded to her. I even told her that I could FWD the email to her when I receive it.

Turtlehead, how would meeting with her to go over the apprasial say for lunch or coffee make it easier for her to do the sep?? Can you explain?

Because it is a bad idea to be discussing things that have to do with a D.

You want to avoid D talk because you are fighting for your marriage.

If she sees you are receptive to talking about these things it will make her feel better about what she wants to do, or what she THINKS she wants to do and puts you one step, (or many steps) closer to D.

That's what I think turtlehead means. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Charlotte

I agree with you DM, I shouldn't talk with her about the appraisal or anything else that has to do with D. I see that she COULD get the impression that I'm ok with it.
Maybe I should email her in response to her being sick and offer her anything I can do for her and that I hope she feels better soon? Let her know that I know she's doing a good job at work and that her boss will be proud of what she has accomplished?

THEN, just forward the email I received from the appraiser with no conversation on my part?

Just thought of sending her an e-card that she is feeling better..... I sent her one WAY back the first week she started staying at her parents nearly 2 months ago and she deleted that at that time....maybe she might keep this one???

The offering of the soup was for working on Plan A, knowing full well she would refuse; no risk there.

The reason for explaining not being able to get around to getting her the appraisal - more time for Plan A, avoiding getting it in her hands for as long as possible, and making you look more attractive (and unattainable) for having so much going on.

very good point catperson!

UPDATE:

Here's the email I sent back to her:

"Hey,
I'm sorry to hear that your sick! I hope your starting to feel better, never any fun feeling like crap. Let me know if you need some chicken noodle soup! So (sister) is in visiting for a bit? I hope (sister's baby) is doing well.

Sounds like you're really enjoying (new job), and it's keeping you busy. Hope you didn't worry too much about (big boss) coming in, I bet she was very impressed with the work you are doing. "

XXXXXX

I'm going to send WW the PDF of the house appraisal separately, later today.... she's asked for it and paid 1/2 and knows I have the PDF.....

Would now be another time to do exposure?

As far as I know from the information I can gather is my WW is NOT flaunting this OM. Sounds like anyone she works with and therefore meets outside of work in a social event, she has not brought OM. I told her 2 best GFs but I don't think she is really talking to them or vise versa. I'm sure she has hid everything from her family but they will not contact me back so that I can talk to them about the affair...
I'm tempted to gather her sister's and a few other of her GFs email addresses and tell them about the PA and want help. I cannot get their phone #s.....

Yes that's exactly what I meant about making the separation easier for her.

Exposure is best done in one fell swoop but if you haven't exposed to her family then by all means do so. It's the single most powerful tool you have in your arsenal for breaking up the A.

When you expose, don't cast blame or point fingers; don't expect anyone to pick sides. Just lay out the facts:
It grieves me to tell you that W is having an A with OM. I'm working hard to restore my marriage and I'd really appreciate it if you could support W and me in this difficult time.

Expect her to go ballistic when you expose. She'll tell you you've ruined any chance of reconciliation now, etc. Who *have* you exposed to? Who can you still expose to? Does OM work with your WW? If so, expose to the head of HR, not just to her immediate boss.

Get your exposure list together and do all the rest of them as simultaneously as you can.

You did the right thing by sending the appraisal, IMO; anything else would have just ticked her off. She paid for half, you had it in email, may as well just send it. It's a shame you couldn't drag it out some more, but that's the breaks.

Don't put too much stock in whether she keeps or deletes your emails. She's not thinking clearly, and she's not herself at the moment.

Thanks Turtlehead,

I can't keep the appraisal away from her. I waited as long as I could. Guess that's a bad sign that she's finally getting ready to get the sep papers drawn up. Been 3 months that this started when we first talked of her wanting to be on her own etc. She's been out of the house for 2.5 months....
At first knowing that she was keeping my emails and then emailed me and told me that she was sick, hadn't been doing much, that work was busy it felt like she was wanting to start opening up. That and knowing from a third party that last Fri night she was up crying most of the night???? BUT, of course she puts in that same email that she wants to see the appraisal.....

Definitely keep exposing and doing Plan A. IMO, her new living situation is too comfortable and acceptable to make her want to come back to you.

Catperson,

I agree that her living situation is too comfortable for her to want to come home.
My WW has not made one effort towards saving this marriage! I'm very discouraged!

She has now changed her status on Facebook from Married to blank... in her Facebook emails (she just got a bunch from lots of her friends/ cousins because they were all notified of her "status" change) she says she really hasn't told anyone, even some of her cousins etc. have asked her what is going on.... she says she's doing ok on her end.

WW did read the nice email I sent her and the separate email I sent with the FWD'd appraisal. She didn't respond to my nice email, only sent me a reply to the apprasial that the address was incorrect and that we should contact the apprasier to have it changed.

That's it! I think I have now confirmed that my marriage is over! Time to get sep in place and move on????? I can't see how I can keep trying anymore.....

You know, if you really feel that way, you might as well go ahead and expose anyway. For HER sake. Let this be her rock bottom so she'll learn something from it.

See where avoiding doing a full blast exposure got you?

As cat said, nothing to lose so do that big exposure.

Catperson and anyone else,

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY THAT IT'S OVER!!! I REALLY WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE!!! I DO STILL LOVE HER AND WANT HER BACK!!! I MARRIED HER FOR LIFE!!! I'm so confused as to what she is doing and keep thinking that she is really confused and is convincing herself or is being convinced by others (OM and her friend she is living with) that she should move on, yet am I just not admitting to myself that she is really done?

Every step she has taken as been to walk away... I don't know if anything she has said, both positive and neg. has been truthful.

I don't think plan B is possible anymore..what does anyone here think now?

I don't think exposing anymore will do any help. Am I wrong? The only people I can tell are her sisters and parents but none of them have been contacting me back....and it feels so late in this stage that it would seem all I am trying to do is make it look like I'm tyring to get revenge?

Should I go straight into getting a lawyer and get this sep in place to protect myself at this point and show her I won't take anymore crap?

Should I contact her to sit down and talk about everything that has happened, the lies I have confirmed that she has said, the actions (in general) that she has taken like moving out, PA, removing married status from Facebook, etc.
Do I ask her why she has told me a few times now that "I don't know how I'll feel in a few months, I may want to come back.....WHY HAS SHE SAID THIS even on the day that I caught her and confronted her about PA??? She said it again right after!

Please give me some direction!

I am sorry you find your self in this desperate position. I dont have much to offer you in terms of advise but I wanted to post to let you know that I hear your pain and I am sure some of the vets will be ablong shortly to get you more specific advise on how to help your situation.
Have you tried contacting the Harleys to see if they can help ?

Hang in there , I have read enough posts here to see that many many situations can be salvaged so if you are not ready to give up dont. But be willing to take the advise you get here, hard and harsh as it seems and take those harh and hard steps ( even if they seem like they are taking your R in the wrong direction). Because if you dont then you are only "intending" to save your M but not actullay " implementing " any steps to do it.

The vets who post here have been there done that seen it all and can tell you what the direct result of actions and steps taken by you will be, so have faith in the MB method and implement it. I am learning that the posters here have only one goal in mind to help make your M and R a heathly and happy one so keep your eyes and ears wide open and it will happen for you too.
Good Luck!