Hello

I am just at a loss. I have been married for 20 years this year. Three children ages 14, 12 and 9. I am 43 and my H 44.

I married my best friend. He was and is a very caring and loving man. We have been close over the years but I have always struggled to be sexually attracted to him. It has always been an issue in our marriage.

2 years ago, I had an affair. It was purely a sexual affair. I was very attracted to this man and had never experienced anything like this before. The affair has been over for a year now and I have no contact with him.

We have worked hard on the trust and my H does trust me now. He monitored all my calls, emails etc. I don't ever want to do this again or hurt him the way that I did. We have been through a lot of marriage counseling.

However, this very loving husband and father does not get affection and physical intimacy he desires from me. I have spent a lot of years trying to work at it and just don't have it there. When we try it is pathetic. He loves me so much and I can't understand why he continues to live with me when he clearly doesn't get his needs met in this 'department'.

What am I not doing or understanding?

WHY did you marry this man and ruin his life????

1. You did not want sex with him so you had it just enough to create three kids which you DID want.

2. Then, after withholding sex from your husband for years, you boinked another man furiously! What a supreme insult to your husband. And a non recoverable stab at him too.

3. Then, your loving husband pays for years of counseling. With no good results for you. You still dont want sex with him.

4. Then, you are here asking what you are missing????

Are you nutz? You ruined a good man's life. You should have not dated him once you found out you did not want sex with him. You should have not had the children or created a life with him if it was all a lie and you just wanted to be "friends". Thanks for ruining his life here. Now he has spent years creating a life, marriage and a family with a "friend" who does not want sex with him. You creepy woman. Dont you get it yet???? How dare you!

As a woman, I would respectfully like to know WHY you did this to a nice, decent man. A man who is caring.

Why did you ruin his entire sex life all these years and why not divorce him so someday he could meet a nice woman who is really in love with him and wants him sexually and really wants to make love with him!!!???

Are you waiting for him to divorce YOU or something?

Stella I remember your name,but not your story. I assume you were a BW by the way you slammed this new poster not with a 2x4 but a log. How can MB help her and her BH if she gets scared off.

I do not disagree with what you said but how harsh you said it.

Thank you Theroad.

Stellakat, I don't know what your story is but believe me, it's nothing I haven't already said to myself and of no help at all.

I married young. I was a virgin when I got married. I was a committed christian and so was he. I, like perhaps many others, believed we had a firm foundation for a good marriage. Divorce was not an option. We have a good marriage apart from the sex. It takes two to have children which we both agreed upon and chose to have. Our children are fantastic and there are no regrets.

Interestingly enough, why has he not chosen to leave? He says he loves me and wants me and our family. I have tried everything. Do I throw in the towel on my marriage, break up my family because I have no sexual attraction? Believe me, I have thought about it but have had much counsel against it. Afterall, everything else works between us what would be the point?

I came here wondering if anyone at all has been in my position (or even my H's).

I am a woman that was in your husband's position. It took three years of rejection before I worked it out with my husband so I could get more sex. And it was not that he was unattracted to me it was his low libido. Sorry I got so frustrated when I read your post but I know the extreme feeling of being unwanted that I had when my husband was sexually rejecting me.

Had I let it go on much longer, it would have ruined my life. Or I would have had to divorce him.

What is it about your husband that you are not sexually attracted to him?

Is he a bad lover?

Mini T/J...Stella, how did you turn your H around? My H has a low libido too and I don't know what to do to help.

Maybe you can post on my thread if you get a chance.

HTM

Hi Stellakat

He is kind, considerate, keen and wants to please when it comes to sex. I try to reciprocate but can't do it any more. It's sad and painful.

In our marriage he was always been "whatever you want", "it's up to you", "I'm happy if you're happy" with almost everything. I wanted him to have an opinion and be 'stronger' than me, have his own mind. Someone I could look up. It was an agreeable relationship nonetheless - we always talked and communicated a lot. (Although perhaps early on in the relationship I should have been honest that the sexual feelings were not happening for me - what did I know then, just try harder, be a good wife). We rarely argued but helped and supported each other. He really is more like my best friend. After counseling he had to work on being his own person. Not having everything revolve around me. He is an educated successful bright man but lacked friends and much interest in finding any. He has now got friends and outside interests which I really like. However, it hasn't changed what I feel. I had to make time for myself too, "find another passion".

When we had sex I never "wanted" him. I tried to want him a lot. Tried to do the actions hoping the feelings of attraction and passion would follow. It's not that I am unable to orgasm or anything - I just don't have the desire, lust or passion. Most people say don't worry about it now because at any rate it's something that fizzles out?!? I saw the Doctor too, checked I wasn't depressed. Took testosterone in case it was a libido problem. However, nothing really changed.

I am not proud of the affair. I am not proud or remotely happy that I hurt someone who did nothing but love me but I realized I could have those feelings of lust, passion etc. Why not in my marriage? I can only think I got it badly wrong but I made my bed, I have to lie in it. Or what now?

Should I bite the bullet and let him go? He deserves to have someone love him passionately. He hasn't done anything wrong. I'm scared to lose him but I know I can't have it all ways right?

Is he fat, ugly, or unhygienic? What do you find unattractive about him? You keep telling us how wonderful he is, and then restate the lack of attraction.

It almost seems to me like you're looking for permission from us to tell you to give it up. Maybe you're not, but that's what it seems like. In any case, it seems like there's something missing from your story.

Can you clarify exactly what it is about him you DON'T like or aren't attracted to? If he's as dedicated to you as you says he is, he might be willing to do something about it.

Yes to what Sea said. Also, do you care about your husband more than you would a friend?

Do you care enough to use your hands, mouth, or something to bring him satisfaction in bed? Many men would be happy with that and it would literally take only about 15 minutes of your time. Is he worth 15 minutes of your time???? To please him in bed?

I understand why you may be bummed out that he is such a passive man. Many women like a nasty, animal like man who uses them sexually like your lover did. He was a real creep boinking you, a married woman with a family.

1. So, are you attracted to the "aggressive creep type"?

2. Are you less attracted to your husband AFTER the affair then you were BEFORE the affair???

3. Are you willing to learn a few 15 minutes techniques to please your husband in bed?

4. Do you care about your husband's sexual needs in bed? Enough to give him pleasure?

Sea - he is a nice guy. He's not a horrible person. Not fat, not ugly. People tell me he's a "nice" guy. Does nice automatically induce sexual attraction - in my case not! I can't make that connection. Should I be making that connection? No, not looking for permission to leave him - just want to know what, if anything, anyone has done in my situation. Another point of view.

Stellakat - the guy that used me, used me. Am under no delusions about that now. No, not a good person.

In general, I am attracted to confident, focused, charismatic types I have learned about myself.

I am no more or less attracted to my H before or after the affair.

When you ask if I am willing to spend time learning techniques to please my H in bed, my stomach turns! Quite a reaction I know. What's up with that. Will this change what I feel for him too?

Yes, I care about his sexual needs but maybe not enough? I maybe don't want the responsibility anymore - the guilt from not giving him what he wants that's why I think maybe I should let him go. Is it really possible to turn it around? Should I be giving him pleasure even if I don't feel it? It has nothing to do with me? Is it likely to change my feelings eventually? I just feel very yucky about that. Wow....

Tell me what your childhood was like. What sex instruction did you get as a child? How was sex approached in your family? Was it discussed? If so, what was said? I'd bet my $100 that you are this way because (1) your man is too safe and boring and nice and you secretly desire a wild man to come sweep you off your feet - only then will you be passionate, because (2) your parent or parents taught you to believe sex is sinful, immoral, only for procreation, based on lies, whatever...it was dysfunctional, and you're carrying that system through into your own marriage, trying to merge it into what you would have believed had you not had this guidance as a child.

So the only way you would find sex good with your H is if he suddenly turned into a bad boy. Then, it's not you going after him, which you were taught was a bad thing; it's him 'forcing' you to enjoy it. But your husband doesn't do that; he respects you. Respect doesn't get you past your hurdle.

For example, my dad left when I was 12. My brother (3 years older) felt he had to become my father. But he was going away to college. So to try to keep me from having sex in high school while he wasn't around to chase the boys away, he drilled into me that sex was bad, only bad people did it. I'm sure he meant in high school, but I took that brainwashing into my adulthood. To this day (I'm 50), I can barely get past that and actively want sex, cos in the back of my mind it's nasty and ugly and I'm doing something wrong. All ridiculous, of course, but your childhood programming is unbelievably hard to overcome. And that's assuming you recognize it.

IMO, you probably need some personal counseling to find out how your past is affecting your current and future.

Hi Catperson

My parents split up when I was small. My dad had affairs. My mum turned to religion big time. She cared for me and my three brothers. Met our physical needs but none of our emotional ones. Rarely hugged, never told loved. After the birth of H and I second child, I had counseling about my mom. My mom, I then learned, had a rough childhood and was never cared for. So, I understand why she was the way she was. My dad then was the ultimate rejection. She brought me up not to trust and certainly never marry a guy like my dad. I admit it, I married safe. He is "too safe and boring and nice".

Sex was NEVER discussed. Feelings, let alone sexual ones, were not discussed. Relationships were discouraged. Good girls never even thought about it! We never talked about anything. Just go to church and pray to be a good girl and not be like all those other girls.

Your comment - "Respect doesn't get you past your hurdle" resonated with me. I thought this wasn't my problem anymore. Can't keep blaming the past......

"When you ask if I am willing to spend time learning techniques to please my H in bed, my stomach turns! Quite a reaction I know. What's up with that. Will this change what I feel for him too?"

Oh...I am sorry you feel this way. What this means...let me guess. I had a boyfriend I felt this exact way about. Turned out:

1. I did not respect him
2. I felt he was lower intelligence than me
3. He was immature and I felt like his mother not his girlfriend.
4. He was bad with money, had trouble keeping a job, was immature and dysfunctional.
5. I broke up with him and he kept coming back into my life like a roach.
6. He was dependent on me.
7. I could not count on him as an equal adult, I had to make all the decisions or they would be bad ones.

I broke up with him FINALLY and met the love of my life husband I am married to now.

It seems you have never been in love with your husband and you are not now in love with him. It seems like you have just been friends with him all this time. This was a weakness of yours the fact you actually married a man you were not attracted to and not in love with and created a family with him. You may as well have married a man who was gay and raised a family with him.

I dont know what you should do. But I know for a fact that man has been suffering from the moment you "took him out of the dating pool". Meeting you ruined his life and his sex life. He probably feels unwanted, unloved, ugly, unsexy, etc.

And you had the affair making him feel even worse. You would respect him more if he valued himself enough to up and leave you. But he does not do that so you dont respect nor love him.

This is really sad, you being stuck with this FRIEND and ruining his remaining sexual years. He cannot have good sex unless he cheats. And he does not cheat.

Try an open marriage....he is too honest to want that however. He wants YOU to make love to probably.

*Do you see yourself ruining the rest of his life (the years and years of little, bad, or no sex with you) or could you let him go to make love with someone who wants him?

What if you told him you would divorce him so he could go find a woman who wanted him in bed and that you do not want him in bed. Can you be honest with him that he disgusts you in bed and you dont want to make love with him?

I admit it, I married safe. He is "too safe and boring and nice".

Sex was NEVER discussed. Feelings, let alone sexual ones, were not discussed. Relationships were discouraged. Good girls never even thought about it! We never talked about anything. Just go to church and pray to be a good girl and not be like all those other girls.

You are very insightful of what you need. Have you discussed this desire with your husband. He is in a real tough spot. You could potentially have a good thing going here if you work at it. Have you ever heard the term "Fake it till you make it?" How about you take your husband and have an honest talk with him. Tell him what turns you on. Give him a chance to help you with what you need.

This is so interesting. One person wants someone sensitive, caring and understanding. The one who has that wants someone aggressive and competant. Based on what you have said my suspision is you want to feel safe. A confident aggressive guy portrays the role of a good provider. I think many men think they want a woman to fullfill a certain role. As I have sometimes heard men say "I want a public wife who is Patient, Kind, Considerate, a good mother, respectful, etc.... but when we get behind closed doors I want a tiger, someone to make me feel like a man.

Maybe you need to pretend, let loose, and tell your husband how you want him to act and practice. I suspect his confidence is shattered by your A. Lucky you, sounds like you have a real decent guy there, don't ruin it. Perhaps you can ease your guilt by MAKING your husband feel like a man, desirable. He sounds a little timid but I suspect if you helped him in the confidence department you could be surprised what could happen. Sex is a very strong drive in humans, it causes us to do crazy things, so start doing some crazy things WITH YOU HUSBAND.

Sounds like you both may have some issues to overcome in the sex department. A persons upbringing has a powerful effect on how we interact with our environment. We carry baggage that we may never fully get over. However the human being is incredibly adaptable. That is how we got here, God made us so we can CHANGE. You may not be able to change your feelings right now, but you can change your behaviour. When you say your stomach turns when you think of a certain thing, learn a technique called thought stopping, tell your brain that you are not going to think about that right now, but what I am going to think about is this (more positive circumstance). How do you think they brainwash people. You can change your perception. In essence brainwash yourself by replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

We were at the beach, my friends kid was standing shivering up to his ankles in the water. Its too cold, I don't want to go in, wimpering and crying. A neighbour kid charges past him with a ball in his arm and jumps in the water, head wet, splashing and yelling. Starts a game of water polo. Pretty soon my friends kid is in the water swimming for all he is worth, he would not even come out of the water for lunch. What changed? His perception, instead of focusing on the cold water he switched to thinking about how much fun he was missing out on.

Now if a kid can change we as adults can change. The problem is we get into our comfortable ruts. I am not trying to trivialize how you feel. But I gotta say I think you need to give yourself a pep talk and take one for the team. Get in there and attack your husband and tell him what a great guy he is and.... What am I doing? You are a woman you know better than anyone how to get a mans attention. We men are simple, not complex at all really, and we are easily trained and usually like to please their wives.

In my opinion we are sometimes expected to interpret or pick up on subtle hints on how you feel. I applaud my fellow men who are capable of this esoteric art, but I and many of my brethern need flat out, bold faced, heres the problem - and here is how you can fix it. Wow I'm getting excited just thinking about it, the neurons hardly had to fire up, problem and solution all wrapped up in a nice neat package. You might even hear the guy say under his breath "What a woman!!"

OK so you want a take charge kind of guy. Sounds like you have a more sensitive kind of guy. If he has a pulse I bet you could with a little work on your part find the combination that unlocks the passion in him. What have you got to loose, 15 - 45 minutes of your time? Do not I repeat do not mention anything negative to this fine man about his performance -ever. No matter what you encourage him, maybe he needs to hear your appreciation ;), get creative. You are the one in control of you, so provide the right environment to encourage the animal (you know what I mean) in your man. And if at first you don't succeed try, try again. Isn't that why the first few years of marriage is so exciting, all the practice?

You have the power and the ability to change things here. What I am hearing is you want someone to say, your right it is too hard, give up. So what happens then, you give up, you loose a nice guy.

So what is the real reason for your question?

whenifever, welcome to MB! You have found a plan proven to restore romantic love to marriages. I'm glad that you have a man you can respect. That's better than the shape many other folks get here in, believe me! Are you willing to try this program? I encourage you to read the articles From Willingness to Desire, and show your H what you want from him in the bedroom, and like Stella said, find out what he'd like, too.

I encourage you, too, to read His Needs Her Needs (HNHN). Some women don't enjoy SF when they don't get t affection you need. Is this the case here? What affection do you want from your H? How about asking him? Some women don't enjoy SF out of resentment. Do you cary resentment against him? Are you willling to share that with him, and let it go?

IMO, your situation resulted in the same situation I faced - sex was not good, not natural, good girls don't do it. THAT is why you can't approach it with good feelings. You REALLY need to get that addressed with counseling. Another thing you can do is pick up some books at the library about what happens to girls when their father is absent. In short, teen girls learn their sexual identity from their fathers. No father, no self-respect. No father, no boundaries or lack of understanding of boundaries. So girls either become very promiscuous (me) or they turn off (you). Either way, it can take a lifetime to learn to get past that block. Please look for some books on the subject.

I have another comment that will probably get me banned, but I have to say it. You are one in a string of people I've seen here that have a certain viewpoint that, IMO, is hurting them more than helping them. I'm referring to the reliance on church as your 'controller' so that you defer to it instead of allowing yourself to figure out what YOU want and need. Just go to church, and you'll be ok. Just go to church and God will take your problems away. Just go to church and you won't need to have an affair, divorce your wife, discipline your child...

IMO, God gave us free will for a reason. He wants us to question, to think, to determine what we have to do. Shutting yourself down and doing whatever the particular church you attend tells you to do instead of something else that might help you is NOT what He intended, IMO. He wants us to follow Him, but He wants us to use our brains. My friend goes to a church that doesn't allow women to hold any positions except daycare. She's one of the most highly placed engineers in NASA, yet she allows this church to tell her that dinosaurs weren't real. And she believes it. Because her pastor says so.

Trust yourself to know what you need. Depend on your church to help you, but you have to help yourself first.

Except that you're not really giving us the whole story. I will ask you again:

What, specifically, turns you off about your husband? Is he too nice? Do you lack respect for him because he wants only to please you?

What, specifically, turned you on about the jag-off turd you had the affair with? Was it his lack of morals? His lack of respect for the sanctity of marriage?

If you can answer these questions honestly, you might be able to find a place to start working. If your answers are yes, you have a couple of options beyond divorce. You can ask your H to be just as slimy and disrespectful as your OW. Maybe he can smack you around a little bit. Take you sexually without permission. Show you who's boss.

Or maybe you can recognize and admit to your own dysfunction and begin to work on it. Because really, do you want to be with a man (either your current H or some other) who behaves the way the OW did? Do you think that would be a healthy foundation for a relationship?