What do you have to lose by reading the book? When W and I started to talk about recovery I suggested that she read it too. I would recommend the book to BS's too, because it has some very good visualization techniques that are meant for taking your mind off of your X, but I found that the techniques don't have to used necessarily for an X....I use them to rid myself of images of my WW's PA.

Your right. Marsh, I am taking you off ignore.

There is no magic bullet. No quick turn around. It took time for your Marriage to get where it is and it will take time to get it where you want it to be.

He may be giving up on you - but he has not given up yet.

Be the person that makes you proud - the humble kind of pride.

Buckle under and do what you need to do to fix yourself, without damaging others.

Fox

When you have these thoughts, are you thinking of them fondly? or are you putting the memory in the perspective of what that memeory means to your BS? When memories are no long good, fond memories to you, they will be easier for you to let go of. The memories you have of OM are filled with pain, lies, and disrespect. Each time a memory pops into your head, bring THOSE things to the forefront for yourself.

Why would your H need to read your journal? (not that anything you write will be more hurtful than what has been done - keep that in mind). He wants your honesty. sometimes, yes, the truth hurts... and heals.
It would be a tool for you to assist yourself in recovery. I think if it was discussed in that manner, he would agree that it would be only for you. Even if you write and burn. Getting things out of your head and on paper helps.

This is exactly one of the issues that the book I suggested deals with. The book will teach you how to properly substitute bad memories in place of good memories that you have for OM...insted of thinking about a good memory of him, you substitute the time you found is dirty, sh!tstained underwear on his bathroom floor (graphic, I know), or when he said something that you found disrespectful...stuff like that. Seems easy to do, but trust me the book will give you the proper tools to get it done.

I guess I was thinking more on the lines of if the memory of a given situation with OM enters your mind, instead of seeing and feeling it from Rain's perspective, think of it as her H would... what does that memory mean now? For example - the memory of sitting at a coffee shop and talking about intimate things for hours... from Rain's perspective that will be a fond memory... but if she can insert her H sitting at the table next to them -hearing every detail, cringing at the betrayal - what he would feel.
Seeing how she had to lie to, disrespect and deceive him to have that "wonderful" experience with OM.
Paint the memory with a differnt brush Rain - the one of your H.

It isn't easy being you. And it isn't easy being him. You both are who you are. And the outcome is called consequences.

If he were here, I would ask him to be patient a little while longer because I think you are slowly going in the right direction. I do think you need more information. Let me see if this will help.

For women, an affair is often an exercise in nature's cosmic joke. It is called PEA, the infatuation brain chemical that is methlike in its effects. The pleasure center is overwhelmed by this chemical's effects. And it always, always evaporates in time. When an affair is cut short, it takes longer to evaporate than if the infatuation dies a natural death, which it always does. This is the technical description of what is going on in your head.

I can say more if you want.

Larry

rain,

I'm sure Dude is glad to know your MySpace is gone. Does he have a way of verifying that it has been deleted? Other things that are proactive: Does he have access to all of your e-mail accounts and credit card statements?

Do you call him during the day just to say hi and let him know your whereabouts?

These are all things you can do so Dude will feel better about not "giving up". When he is able to check on things and sees nothing that indicates there is any deception, he will equate that to no more affair. Your consistency in your willingness to be open and honest about your life and your actions showing that you will not be the source of pain for Dude are some of the most effective things you can do help your M.

When did you delete the MySpace and destroy the last reminder of OM? That is when you really started withdrawal. And when Dude can see proof of that happening is when he starts his healing.

I think it is a good idea to journal. I don't think it is a good idea to hide it from Dude. Journaling will allow you to sort through what seems to be going on in your mind now and it will allow you to look back and see how far you have come. I've done it before and at times when I didn't think I was growing it showed me that I was.

I agree with Larry, I see you slowly going in the right direction. Hang in there.

S&C

Like I said, deleting my Myspace had nothing to do with OM. I could still go and look at the OM's Myspace page, IF I WANTED TO. My page had nothing to do with him but I deleted it because it could have been used as a tool for communication.

Yes, he has access to everything, and believe me, he is looking. Even though I gave him reason, it makes me angry when he checks up on me. I feel I have no privacy and that I am constantly under surveilance. It is very frustrating and it aggetates me to no end. It makes me angry at him and its like.."What, don't you trust me? When is this going to end?" Yeah, I know, it is not fair to feel that way and I know it is part of it so go ahead, let the 2 x 4's fly.

He knows where I am. I am at work if I am not at home. So, no, I don't. We are usually communicating thru email most of the day. Usually just, 'how is your day', 'what would you like for dinner'...that kind of stuff. Nothing exciting...of course it is work email.

Larry,

Thank you for that. That makes complete sense. So there is never any chance EVER that is is really love? Only chemicals? Isn't that what happened in the beginning for me and my H? Isn't it not just with A's but with crushes, and first loves, and all of those "new" relationships? Please tell me more....

I think of him fondly...I think of how my H does something and them how would have OM done that...or OM would be doing this at this time...stuff like that. Then, I quickly erase it and say to myself..."don't do that...stop it... you are with your H and that is that so you have to stop!"

That is how I deal with it. How can I deal with it better? I don't want to compare them because they are two different people and I wouldn't want to be compared. I would hate that. My H has every right to hate that.

He wouldn't need to read it but if I was in his shoes I would be so curious. Even if I write and burn, how many books am I going to have to burn?

Rain - I am trying to read in there where the DESIRE to be with your H is?
Do you WANT to be with your H?
Do you WANT to work thru this?

If so, I do think you can find a better way of addressing your thoughts that the above statement to yourself.

Make it a POJA between the two of you. If it is something you would like to try and he agrees it would be good, figure it out. He is just as curious as to what you are thinking, but that doesn't mean you are going to share with him every thought, feeling, memory, moment that you have. (some may argue this, but this is just my opinion) - why should those same thoughts - written on paper TO YOURSELF - be any different?

I have found that writing allows me to find nuggests, and valuable ones, that I can address within my marriage. Things that may be troubling me, or feelings that I find proceed arguements or rough times. I can then take those to my H and share them with him. I have shared entire entries with him when I feel they are important, not just from my perspective, but from his. Would I give him access if he asked - yes. Would I then feel as free to write my full, honest thoughts - no. That's just where we are right now.

You will write volumes! I use a private on-line blog, and it serves me well.

I'm not going to hit you with a 2 x 4 unless there's a reason too. Your feelings are what they are. My W used to feel like she loved OM. Not any more.

I'm sure you feel like you're under a microscope. In all honesty; you are. But I doubt that he is hoping to find evidence of an A. He's hoping to find no evidence. And each time he finds "no evidence" he is relieved. The more he snoops and finds nothing, the faster your M will recover and the faster romantic love will find its way into your M.

The snooping will lessen and he will trust you again. It takes time that's all. You'll be surprised; one day you will notice that you hadn't had the thoughts you used to have and that you're playing footsies with Dude or he's giving you a back rub and you're enjoying it.

I don't remember, did you two do the EN Questionnaire? What are your's and Dude's top 3 EN's?

S&C

You are asking me this during withdrawl...what do you think? I wouldn't be trying to replace my thoughts if I was not trying to work things out.

My first initial reaction to what you said is "Yeah, right...". That is not a good reaction. Right now I don't even want the physical contact and he needs it so bad. But it has always been like that. How do I get that back? Of course, this is not about me.

Yes, and he thinks my emotional needs are a joke. His were admiration, sex, and honesty. I have a huge problem with the intimacy part. It's just not there and has not been for a very long time. How do I get that back?

The reason people keep asking about your MySpace is that dude said just recently that you were going to it and just looking at pictures of OM. Like within the last week. Not 'a long time ago.' Was he mistaken?

Have you read the material here on how BSs are supposed to start feeling safe again? The one about transparency? It's there for a reason. It's because your A was built on secrets and lies. So to make your H feel that you're not likely to start keeping secrets, he HAS to feel like you have nothing to hide. I'm sure you don't, but he needs to tangibly experience that. It's very powerful medicine for the BS. It will lessen, that need, but so soon after D-day, he really needs it.

Rain, I think you may have read a tone into my email that I didn't intend, I apologize for not making it clear that I was not trying to put you down with that. I was simply asking where you were at with your desire right now, and if you were in a place where you can honstly say you have the want and desire to be with your H. I know my DH went thru a period where he knew that it was right to work on 'us' and that it was what he should do, and he was taking a lot of actions becuase he 'should', but not becuase he WANTED to and had the desire to - I hope that makes sense.

Sorry for the confusion.