WOAH, this is as far as i got in this thread and i cant believe im reading this!

YOU dont "feel comfortable" with your kids father having visitation with them? that is not a choice for YOU to make. he is their father! and they are HIS kids! those kids have an absolute RIGHT to have at least equal time with thier father and children should NEVER be separated from a father who is WILLING to spend time with them!

you have no business alienating your children from their own father. i have a lot of experience with parental alienation syndrome (google PAS) and you need to seek immediate help if this is truly your way of thinking because it will only get worse.

if you are doing this kind of behavior now, what else are you dont to brainwash your kids against their father?

Laurens, I see I hit a sore spot with you. I remember writing that. I had a lot of fear of their Dad at that time, a lot of resentment, and had a lot of work to do to start understanding him. I've had a lot of help since the day that I wrote that, and I feel at peace at the thought of him having unsupervised visitation if we didn't make it. I think you may be right, that if I didn't get that help at that time, that my attitude may well have gotten worse.



You are right, visitation was not a choice for me to make. So in my fear, I stayed, so at least I could feel like I was there to intervene if it got out of hand.


I did google PAS, and it does look like a serious problem. I don't think it applies to us today.


I was guilty of bad-mouthing their Dad in the past. I apologized to them and him some time ago for this, and have made my amends by not repeating this bad-mouthing, and by sharing the happy things that I think about their Dad



His drinking changed who he was as a father sporadically for a time, including drinking and driving with them. This is not a part of his parenting today, and I am working to develop trust over time that going forward it will not be a part of his parenting, either. I can tell you though laurens, that I owe it to my kids not to leave them with a "wet drunk" if it ever comes to that again. You may not like my choice, and I respect that. You can parent your kids as you see fit. But I will not subject my kids to that again. I owe them more than that. Their Dad has free will and would have the choice to or get the support he needs to choose to be sober with his kids. There are other options for those situations, too, like supervised visitations.

I hope I'm not just running at the mouth at this point LOL. But I really feel good about where we are today, not feeling that withdrawal. I still think this week is going to have some of those roller coaster moments, and H is feeling uncertain and may choose to deal with that uncertainty though ultimatums.

But I feel really centered, grounded. There is a lot that's great about H, and I feel really grateful for the time that we've had together, especially these last two months. And we've had a lot of other really happy, times, too, over the years. He has been a huge blessing in my life. I hope that I've been able to tell him in words and actions how thankful I have been for this, and how happy I would be to continue sharing our lives together. But I've done the fighting for my marriage, and now I feel comfortable that I have done what I needed to do, to apologize, and make amends, for where I had done wrong by him. To show him my vision of us being happy together. Now I need to let go of the response, to love him with an open hand. If he wants to go, wants different for his life, I accept that.

I think that's that position of power I read about. To not operate out of fear. To tell yourself that, no matter what, you'll survive.

Thanks, cat!

This is awesome. This is like a whole lot of anti- DJ's, ya know? Remind ourself of the positive things about him.

I'm glad he's coming home tonight. Don't you dare wish you could meet up with me, when he's just getting back in town! I know though, it woulda been cool. This place is huge, though, we're just gonna have to come back sometime. Maybe we could get together then.

Funny, a lot of ppl are suggesting Typhoon or Blizzard for the half-day Wednesday! Or the one with the games - Adventureland? Is that good too, for 6 y.o.? They love games and stuff, but they are only 6, so they wouldn't be into the same skill level and content as teens. Are these G-rated and easy enough? Or would Typhoon or Blizzard be better?

Man this place is huge! Way bigger than I remembered. I only remember coming here a couple times, mom is saying we came here lots.

jayne, the only Adventureland I know of is the one in the Magic Kingdom. Do you mean Quest at Downtown Disney? Never been there myself, but that sounds like a great idea!

Spoke to H, his company requested that he start commuting to Baltimore every week, starting next week. He says I gave him no choice, he has a no-travel job offer in SoCal, but I refuse to move there. He says I am choosing to separate the family. I don't know what to do from here. But I know we'll be okay.

He forwarded his reply to his coworker telling him to coordinate the travel plan. He emailed, "How long do you think I need to come up? And for how many days per week? I need to let Nina know."

Here was my email response:

"Ouch! I hear you choosing to separate our family. I hear you choosing to send a submissive-sounding email to [coworker], instead of taking the bull by the horns and talking to [manager] directly about what works and does not work for our family. I hear you saying, "I need to tell Nina," instead of taking responsibility and owning what YOU want for our family.

What do you want for our family? Are you choosing actions that reflect that?

Is there something that I am failing to understand here?"

It was more direct than I usually am, but I thought it was more important to get that out there.

"You told me today what [coworker who turned down this assignment] did, turned down the work instead of making a choice that was bad for her family. She didn't say, my controlling husband, he is so unreasonable and is not going along with that. She said no, I am not taking this assignment under these conditions. I told you the conditions that I am willing to work under.

I have a lot of respect for you, and I look forward to resolving this as a team together."

You continue to amaze me. And be my role model.

Thanks, cat, I'm glad it resonated with someone. Didn't with H. He called me at my desk with an AO, this time that he's getting a hotel room. He calmed down after that, and we had a nice evening. Good thing we had plans to meet for dinner at an Applebee's, so we were out of the house, and we went shopping together after that, so we were getting along well before we got home.

It was great reinforcement reading LA's post to Dino yesterday, and you today, because reading her posts really reorients me to the present. I don't have to fix any circumstances, just live by my values in the present. I have no idea what an appropriate response to H's travel is. It does feel like not my problem to own or fix. At the dinner table, H and DD7 were playing hangman, and she wrote, "I miss my Dad so much. He's leaving." I could observe instead of taking personal responsibility to fix it for her.

Jayne's recommendation, that Tools to Life, has a great resource, too. One of the tools is a self-made motivation tape, with affirmations and visualization. It is really building up my confidence from the inside.

Our anniversary is Monday, so I have plenty of time to plan something nice. An MC homework is for him to plan a couple's weekend for us, so I was thinking of something special for him to open, maybe a framed photo, and something to give him Monday, because he's not planning the getaway for this weekend, since DD12 is coming back Saturday morning. I was thinking we could go for a walk tomorrow morning or evening and I could ask him what kinds of things would he like.

I am making the most honest choices that I can. I thought I was prepared for the consequences. Now I'm not so sure. I do have faith that I'll be okay, that the kids will be okay, that H will be okay.

But it's been a hard hit to come to accept that H really does want out. That he really doesn't want me, unless I am willing to give into his demands. Ouch. I was thinking, it's okay that he wants out, because I am grateful that we did have a "great love." Like that saying, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But it's been a hard, hard realization that maybe I never had that after all. It feels like with that old friend I told you all about long ago, with a one-sided love that left me wondering what is wrong with me that someone I see as so special and love so much doesn't see me that way. I feel like the opposite of special, just useful or helpful. I don't understand how H could be with me this long and still not find me special. I remind myself that I think I'm special, to focus on all that I do have that I can be so grateful for.

Babysteps. Self-care. UA time. Listen and learn. Breathe. I can do this!

{{{{ ears }}}}}

Did I miss something? This sounds like H is about to leave you. I am so sorry.

Yes you can do this, you can get through this, you will survive and you are getting stronger and better every day.

Find the opportunity. What is the opportunity here?

ps - I think I meant DisneyQuest; we ended up not having enough time, and all DS6b really wanted was to play air hockey in the place we saw in the airport anyway. Even though I normally don't like paying for those games, the $15 of tokens we bought was still way cheaper than $39 x 4 for admission to DisneyQuest.

Well, fwiw, I think you're amazing. And I think that, just because he's not enamoured of you right now, because you both have so much baggage, I think that without his drinking, you would have been his everything.

Wow, thanks, guys. That really means a lot. I do feel stronger every day.

H is still telling me on a daily basis that he wants out. That he needs a wife that supports him. I was getting frustrated reminding him of the things that I've done out of my loyalty to him over the years, like previous moves. Caught myself still frustrated that I could not control the outcome. But I've got to let it go. Let my actions follow my values, to respect that he knows what I've done, and knows how he wants to interpret that.

I was thinking last night of calling my old friend, to ask him what he saw as so wrong with me way back then. Because when I ask H, all I get is that I'm not supportive, and I don't think that's true for me. I think I have been very supportive and giving. My guess is that I didn't have enough respect for myself, and that led them to not have enough respect for me, either. I'm glad that I didn't call my olf friend, because that would have been disrespectful to H, for me to call this guy about such personal issues. I had already asked, years ago, and just got an "I don't know," so I don't think there IS any resolution to be found there, just digging up old wounds.

"His everything." That sounds so good. I don't know what the opportunity is yet. Maybe to be more resilient. Thanks for being here.

Can I offer some suggestions for opportunities? Plz forgive if not applicable.

Could this be an opportunity to *be* "his everything"? Is there a way?

Just putting that out there. I know you feel pressured to move and you are really really not enthusiastic about it. I don't mean to add to that pressure. Just mentioning a *possible* opportunity, I realize it prolly doesn't apply. But for the 1% chance it may, there it is. (Please don't let the 99% chance it doesn't, add to your pressure.) But could this possibly be an opportunity, this move he wants? To show him support, because you want to, not because he's forcing you to? To start a new chapter of your life? A joint adventure together? Possible opportunities for the kids?

Jayne, I don't want to shoot your answer down. I want to understand what you mean, because it makes sense to you. I have gone along many many times, and it gets temporary peace. Last year, he knew I was willing to stay. But at a huge expense, reinforces to H that all he has to do is Puash Harder. Like the story I put in cat's thread earlier this week, when DD12 wanted to sleep in our room when she was 5. What would be different this time?

Jayne, he's made it clear, he doesn't want me. He wants someone who doesn't question him. What would be different this time?

ears, is it possible for you to envision what your life would be like if you weren't with him? What words do you automatically associate with it? Sad, failure, at peace, calm, able to laugh, embarrassed, guilty...

Maybe that would help you determine where the priorities are. Is your need to be with him stronger than your need to feel calm and peace and self-love? I have no answer, I just thought that might help you sort it out.

Ok ears. I was afraid of that. But I thought I'd put that out there, hoping...

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

Did I miss something, did something happen where he made it clear he truly doesn't want you in general? Or is it him wanting to move, and he doesn't want you because you won't simply go along?

At first glance I saw these questions as rhetorical. Were they not? Do you want me to think about whether I think something might be different this time?

You are prolly the best judge of that. Unless we can think of some way that things are now different; different boundaries, for example, or you coming from a stronger position if you're not as depressed and if you can find something positive about the move.