This is not a disagreement about a "TOPIC" but a disagreement about how other posters post. That is a very different thing.

We have no control over the posting styles of others so what is the point of the endless carping about it? If we can't control it, why whine about it? What is the point?

Wouldn't the wise course of action be acceptance? Isn't that how mature adults behave?


It is not a "belief" but a true fact. Only the mods have the power to control others here, we don't.

Mods...this is NOT my thread so I only make this observation (and I guess a request to shut this thread) as a guest on this thread...but is there a purpose being served here??? The same old people questioning the same old things. There are plenty of moderators now...we don't need yet another in a long string of threads suggesting to people how and what they should post. It is my understanding that if someone has a problem with a post, they should contact you and if they have a problem with the moderation of this board they can email you all or Justice.

I can only give my view. When I arrived here I wasn't an active WS. Who knows what I'd have been like if I was. Probably defensive and justifying and unpleasant. I was here to learn so was very receptive to what everyone had to say. As I've said a hundred times I was lucky that JL took the time to talk to me. I was not mollycoddled, I wasn't told "oh poor you", I was asked to look at myself. I was prodded into some deep thinking. If I had been told I was a loser and a poor excuse for a person, I'd have stopped listening. NOT because I didn't want to hear the truth (sheesh, I already knew that about myself) but because it just wouldn't have been constructive.

When I confessed to MB that I had seen the OM again (but had stopped seeing him) there was a different reaction from everyone here. I came in for some very harsh words. I spent so much time defending myself that I stopped listening. Y'know after typing all that and thinking back I've just realised I was the perfect example of someone who didn't want to accept what I'd done. No wonder I came in for some hard truths. I almost typed that my words had been twisted back then. Hmmmm, what words would they have been? Perhaps, "it's not really an A, I just saw the OM for two weeks." Maybe it was "yes, I promise I'll tell my H". What a load of baloney.

I didn't get run off. Yes, I was very upset (to the point of tears a lot of the time) by some of the reactions but the truth is, I just didn't want to hear any of it.

Actually, MEDC, I think this thread has been very good. Yes, we do go over this ground quite often but I don't think that's such a terrible thing.

Jen...to my points (the one earlier about affairages and the one about starting these types of threads...this is in addition to the very recent "call out" thread to me that was immediately locked) please see the attached.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=136590&Number=1725177#Post1725177

HUH??? I DISAGREE!


Think about this a minute. Who's doing the "carping?" Certainly not I.


I think that the way you're stating this comes across (2 me at least) as misleading. The mods may indeed have "control" - i.e., ultimate say - regarding what is on the boards, but that is NOT control of people.

-ol' 2long

Jen, thanks for making my point. You took some MASSIVE HEAT and you stuck around. Heck, you even stuck around when I called your husband and ratted you out!

I have had my own feelings hurt to the point that I left the board in disgust MANY TIMES. But it never ocurred to me to come whining and blame someone else for my choices. No one "ran me off." I am not a teenage gurl. Good grief.

Anyone who would encourage me to shift blame for MY OWN CHOICES is not a friend, but an ENABLER. Rather, folks should be encouraged to take responsibility for their actions.

It really irks me when I see folks here actually ENABLING very wayward minds to blame their choice to leave on other posters. Its very dysfunctional. That is not helpful to a already irresponsible, blameshifting wayward. Oddly, we never see this caterwauling when BS's leave the board in disgust for whatever reason. I have no idea why only waywards are in this special protected class. That seems backwards to me.

Most people here have been flamed at one time or the other, BS's and WSs alike, they didn't run crying to momma when it happened. And anyone who is stupid enough to believe they can come into a room of decent people and not have their [censored] handed to them for advocating adultery and deceit deserves a massive 2x4.


But, it always comes back to this one thing. People are free to post as they choose, as they see fit. It doesn't matter what I think about your posting style. All the hand wringing in the world will never change that.

I think the operative word in Mel's sentence was "here."

I couldn't control any people when I was a cop...except for those that fell under my authority and reach. Same with the mods. They get to control what people are able to post on these boards by the use of the edit function.

I didn't say you were.


Think a minute, 2long. The discussion is about control of the content of posts on this board. Who has ultimate control over the content of posts written by OTHER posters?

a. MODS

b. POSTERS

Oh goodie, a quiz!

Thanks for the clarification. Thanks for acknowledging my clarification.

Thanks medc, 2. That is all I was trying 2 say.

By simply changing the wording from "controlling others" 2 editing content of posts on a public forum, a lot of the hand wringing, or whatever metaphor is appropriate, would never happen.

-ol' 2long

I'm so glad we were finally able to get you up to speed! Better late than never, huh?

Boy, I was really pissed off, wasn't I!

The call out was because I didn't want to muddy Fatty's thread. It wasn't disrespectful.

Jen - I have noticed that you still think everything is about you.

You took MEDC to task on this very thread for not specifically naming you in his list (of 2!) FWS's

You took a discussion about pre-marital sex on the OT board and internalised it to the point where it was a direct slight on your daughter.

Why do you do that?

How long have you got?

My friends and family have said to me all my life. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

It's a trait/behaviour that I've had/learned?/battled with all my life.

Any ideas where it comes from? Pep will know. I know it's a form of selfishness but I've tried to fight it.

I do know that my personality type takes everything personally and to heart. You should see me if I'm criticised (constructively) during a staff review. I remember going to a seminar and when the woman running it said that such and such a personality type (mine) cannot bear criticism and take everything personally, but that on the plus side they are usually friendly and likeable, I felt much better.

OMG I can hear my mother and my sister. "Don't take everything SO PERSONALLY."

Edited to add: Luckily Rob is affectionately tolerant of that particular failing in me. But hey, I'm affectionately tolerant of his stories which take forever to tell.

I don't know.

Pep

LOL, thanks.

When I see some 'holier than thou' 'vet' poster tell some WS to 'ignore' a poster THEY disagree with I want to

Who are you to tell someone to ignore me? Are you a mod?

I have yet to see a BS with a 2x4 tell anyone to ignore another poster. Yet I see it all the time from the same group of FWS's.

While I accept your apology Kiwi, I'm glad someone pointed this out because I did not want to ask this same thing directly due to my newness here.

Why is it all about you?

To return to the discussion about posting and such.

It seems to me a well placed 2x4 is sometimes required. Or perhaps just "firm" guidance is a better term. But, I am reminded of something I learned in High School, that I have found to be very very important in the real world for almost 50 years.

When I was a young boy (14) I went out for football (american football Jen and BK ) I was not very coordinated as I had and was growing fast. I was a good 30-40 lbs heavier than the other kids, and I was probably a half a foot taller, give or take a little. IN any event as was the custom of the day, we weren't allowed to drink water during practice (how dumb could they be), and we always ran wind sprints at the end of practice.

Now being rather large for my age and rather uncoordinated I usually finished dead last in the wind sprints. At which point the coaches would yell at me for being slow. Now I may have not been the brightest bulb in the light fixture, but even I knew I was slow (all I could see were backsides (to be polite) and elbows in front of me). IN another words they were not telling me anything I did not know.

However, not one coach ( I went to three high schools in three years) ever offered any guidance on how I could become faster. I spent hours in the weight room, got alot stronger, and eventually played college football and basketball. I was faster because I simply got so much stronger. It was not until I tore up a knee and had to relearn how to walk after the cast came off, that I truly learned to run. I learned by watching people walk, watching sprinters on TV, and watching the faster guys (running backs run). I had to retrain my leg to work after months in a cast. I learned I had never run where I could efficiently use my strength to increase my speed. I learned then and became reasonably fast.

What is the point of the shaggy dog story? I found criticism of the obvious coupled with no guidance was a waste of my time and the person I was addressing's time.

Nothing wrong with a 2x4 but it ought to be coupled with guidance as how to address the issues at hand. "Just STOP" is not really guidance. One of the neat things about this site is that Harley offers a lot of information in his articles. And in their fog, a WS is not really likely to understand it unless it is explained to them, and that usually only if they are not more defensive than would normally be expected.

I also agree with Ap, that very long term affairs are really different beasts, and I think his assessment of where a WS stands and what the reactions will be are very accurate. Hence as he (or was it someone else) counceling is really really important IF the WS will do it.

This leads me to one other thought which I am sure a bunch of people will respond to. I believe rebuilding a good marriage, having a good marriage, recoverying a marriage is achieved in only ONE WAY. That is right, I said ONE WAY. In many respects this is like shooting a basketball. To the casual observer it would seem even in the pro's there are many styles of shooting. But, really there is only ONE way to be a good shooter, and all good shooters do it the same way. The problem is most people look at the body, the positioning and assume this is about shooting. Shooting is from the elbow to the finger tips up. If you focus looking at just that part of the anatomy, you will see no matter what else the shooter is doing, the good ones do it the same.

I think this is true of marriages and marriage building, and marriage rebuilding. Of all of the articles Harley has on this site, if one were to focus on his "four rules for a good marriage", and his two policies (radical honesty and joint agreement) and do those well, you will have a good marriage, you can rebuild the marriage. All of the other plans, needs, love busters, etc are to attempt to get people to those two basic concepts of marriage (his policies and four rules).

Good marriages have those aspects to them. Well rebuilt marriages have those aspects to them. WS's turn into FWS's, turn into loving spouses when those aspects are returned or developed in a marriage. BS's turn into better spouses when those aspects are in their marriage.

It seems to me that the one thing we ought to have is respect for anyone who comes here, even if we HATE what they did. We should start there, and let the poster prove whether this respect is really warrented.

I will say that Hu who has posted on this thread is an interesting example of someone who has gotten some 2x4's, and also given some excellent advice (tell his W about his A). He has stated that whether he has or has not told his W is not of our concern. Fair enough. Perhaps others will do as I have done, I read his thread, saw how it went and "respectfully" refuse to spend time in that situation. He does not have to tell us a thing, and we don't have to respond to his lack of information. It is a two way street folks.

Just thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL, as always.