Hi SL and CL,

Glad to hear I am not 'alone' with these feelings... guess it's part of the 'new normal' we are trying to learn to live with...

Yet another consequence of being involved (involontarily) in affairland is that it seems to have changed somewhat my relationship with others around me...

Like, we are still friends... but the experience seems to have put a 'distance' between us...limiting the kind of connection we used to be able to have...

Maybe it's not so much them, but me, that has changed and feel like not wanting to burden them with my 'challenges'.... and so...I no longer express myself as I used to, and do consciously AVOID 'this topic' (which is not necessarily a bad idea, BTW), particularly when in Plan B...where there is less drama, but sure a heck of lot of feelings to work out!...because I don't want to push the limits of their patience?.... because I think they won't understand ANYWAYS? ...I don't know...but it is a fact that it's not the same.

...the upside?....it has forced me to...have many discussions with myself..learning to be patient with myself! and I certainly can count on MYSELF on being THERE when needed....LOL!

...the MB Board is a close SECOND..LOL!

Anyways...need to go to bed... goodnight.

I love you Luna, thank you for this. It says exactly why I come here, because together we can hold each other up and threw this.

Hi Queenie,


You got it...none of this...'giving up' (although we can be 'down' temporarily...LOL!)

....and WE can now better understand the meaning of....'Rome wasn't built in a day' and how it applies to one's life... we think BIG around here.... we will accept 'managing' the situation....but we are aiming HIGH very HIGH....

THE HEALING of our hearts and souls...no more, no less...RIGHT!!!????!!!

Looks like I am in a cheerleader mode this morning...go figure!

Well...I am going to blame this on SL's dreaming... because she got me started... if she's willing to wait until past the MUCK for the man of her dreams...

I can dream that I am on a date tonight with a man who has all the qualities I could ever want in a man, having a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant after having gone to see a terrific movie together...and the gentleman finds me humourous, beautiful, thoughtful, a great mom, intelligent, sensitive...and HOT! ....and so, we don't know where the night will take us...

I really miss not being part of a couple...does it show!?!?!

....but...but...but....I am thankful for everything I DO have in my life...my boys, my house, my job, my friends, my health.... (you know, just to balance things out!)

Hey Luna,

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!

Football Training Camp is just around the corner for me, so totally works and it's apprecaited so much.

{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}

I know it's Friday night and we shouldn't be serious...

...but my last posting on Bugs' thread made me realize that with or without WS's attempts at breaking plan B to consider friendly co-parenting ONLY for the sake of the boys' benefit... I have issues with feeling GUILTY about it...particularly about wanting to stay DARK even with plan D in motion...

...like, I am not being the best MOM I can be by refusing to accept situation and cooperate more with WS...

...I have been telling myself that cooperating with a WS at the cost of going insane WOULD NOT help the situation...but sometimes I still find I have a hard time shrugging it off... and more so seeing that D is inevitable and M recovery no longer a real possibility...

...unless there are enough miracles left to go around after Kim and SL!

...and because until I figure it out, it must affect my judgement SOMEHOW...

...it seems I need to be reminded of something...not sure what exactly!

...so if you have any ideas on how to deal with these feelings (and on how to record over that cassette in my head) I would certainly appreciate it!

Luna,

I can tell you I have so many people telling me that I shouldn't be doing Plan B and that I should talk to WH about children.

NOPE, not HAPPENING. I'm fighting for survival, my M, but more importantly, learning to live a new way. No one can tell us how we should or shouldn't do something. They aren't in our shoes and walked through our pain. You are being a GREAT parent because you are setting the example of taking care of yourself.

When I get in this awful funk, I have to give myself a break and remind myself I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with. NO ONE has the right to judge me and suggest to me unless of course its from HERE.

{{{{{{{LUNA}}}}}}}

Thanks Queenie.

I will need to be strong....with plan D in motion... there will be external pressure (WS, friends, etc) and internal pressure (guilty feelings) to end plan B and communicate more with WS...

... as if D somehow legitimizes affair? yeah, right!

I want to stay DARK, even after D, and only reconsider contact with WS once current OP is out of the picture and WS can convince me that 'he gets it' the hell he put me through...meaning that even after D, the PBL terms still stand...

...because I really do NEED the protection provided by Plan B to remain sane!

Oh, who gives a flyin fart what OTHER people think you should do. What do you think you should do? Are your boys really harmed by you not talking to their father? REally? I doubt it. I think they are learning a most valuable lesson, which is that you can't screw somebody over and expect them to accept you back into their lives. That's just not the way the world works, even for separated parents.

His relationship with his children is his business, and will require his work and effort, not yours. Unless you plan on going on family outtings together, I'd say there is no reason to be cozy. This man hurt you, and ripped your family apart, and people want you to play nice? Those people have no clue, so stop listening to them.

You can bet your sweet patoot that those SAME people would be telling you to erase this 'guy' from your life if he were just a boyfriend. You two share children, so now you're not supposed to do that? Hmmmm. I think you can effectively erase him from your daily life, and he can work his [censored] off to have a relationship with his sons. Not your work to do.

No sugar coating here, but totally DEAD ON!!!!!!!!

Hi SL,

Thanks a lot for the support, I really seemed to need it tonight.


So far, inspite of what other people say, I have stood my ground and I find strength in that exact reason... because I don't want the boys to think that this is acceptable behaviour when they will be in a R... but if they were to chose it, there are consequences... and honestly, I think the boys and I are doing better BECAUSE I am not talking to their father... he's not even a topic of conversation...


....yep....that's all I think it is ...WS wanting ME to help him in his R with boys....NOT going to happen!

I guess I may be apprehensive about the whole D process and the mediation sessions coming up in August...and it's destabilizing me a bit... making it easy for self-doubt to creep in.

I know that Plan D is going to be a painful 'reality checks' for me that, in no uncertain terms, will confirm WS's lack of interest in wanting to recover M and family....up until now, I could allow myself to HOPE...but with D proceedings...not so much...

but we are here to learn that 'it is what it is'...and no hiding/denying allowed in the name of our best interest, long-term.

...so to compensate I really need to step up taking care of myself, short-term.

...and like everything else, I NOW know that I will get through this...I've seen worse! ...I just wish I didn't have to go 'through it'...

Hi everybody,

I am not sure why...but I won't analyze it...me thinks I do too much of it!

Feelings want to surface... and so...I am going to try and just give them a 'voice' (as I DO admit focusing more only on those that I THINK will be helpful to me) ...with no questions asked...no attempts at suppressing them and being scared of them!

...apparently....they want to 'tell me' things...that they think might be 'useful' to me and have been patient waiting to be 'heard' who knows for how long.... I will let them do their job...no censuring.... and only THEN try to figure it all out...

This morning:

I feel 'burdened' like I am trying to hold a weight up heavier than I can...

I feel discouraged...things are not working out the way I would want them to...

I feel incompetent to take care of all the things that need to be taken care of...

I feel sad that I won't be able to give myself and my boys the family I would have liked them to have...

I feel I have failed the little girl inside of me that was looking for protection and reassurance, and look at the mess I have gotten her into instead....

I feel uncertain about the future and want answers to questions that are unanswerable...

I feel like giving up sometimes and something holds me back...

I feel love for myself and my boys and.... humankind... and would want a world that is kind to all of us and find that it isn't really... and it hurts... and I feel scared...

I feel that the little girl inside of me doesn't trust me to take care of her...and for good reason...

I feel incompetent in the face of adversity...

NOW, I am not going to challenge my feelings... I am going to accept them....

In rereading them, I logically know that given where I am, it can't all be true or I wouldn't be here...

So, what would be helpful to get them up speed to the HERE and NOW?

Logic doesn't seem to the trick of convincing and reassuring my feelings that they are 'outdated'...living in the past...

Looking for the language that will link my emotional world to my logical world....to live in harmony.... passing information and being helpful to each other....

...at some point...waaaay back....I think they could do this well....then they communicated less and less....

...could this be what 'conditioning' does to a child? ...when we are told what we can and can't feel? ...when adults are too busy to listen to us?

Yes...I was a child that had to 'grow up' quickly...to take care of things... and that may explain it....

...I guess this is what we are all trying to do together here...to learn AGAIN how to take better care of ourselves, at least as much as we learned to take care of others...

...well...better roll up the sleeves!

...and although this post may seem a 'downer', I believe I am being partly influenced by my current reading, which is really quite optimistic and hopeful...

I am reading the original version in French called GUERIR by David Servan-Schreiber and the likely translation is English is:
HEALING!

Luna


Yes,,,you WILL get throught this.

and

Most certainly, I, too wish you didn't have to go through it either! Yet God will not give you any burden you can not bear nor ask you to walk through a stich without Him by your side, and He will turn this sitch to your good.

Just trust in Him and Lean on Him.

Take care of you!

Work through those emotions. It can be dangerous water to tread when owning our true feelings,,,,,,,,but at the same time not letting them drag us under.

Chin Up. Chest out. What's the Goddess in you going to do today?

Thanks for dropping by Bugs. I really appreciate it.


I know...I need to make more time for this...intentionally or unintentionally...I may have been putting this off now for a verrrry long time... but with words alone, it may sound more serious than it is...


Well... now that I have unburden some 'heavy stuff' here...

I am going to 'play it by ear'...which, for me, IS a change...LOL!

Morning Luna,

A simple answer for me in AA is the fear prayer - G-d please remove from me my fears and direct my thoughts to where you would have me be.

Maybe logic isn't what G-d is needing from you, but for you to FEEL these feelings, work through that little girl and HER FEELINGS and helping HER to heal so the you TODAY can move forward to healing.

Somedays I STILL have to ask G-d to help me get through each second, it's just where I am at. Feeling are just that, but they are a part of us, need to be owned, felt and know they will change and leave us. New ones will come back and so will the old ones.

You know that ocean wave of sadness and pain that somehows keep rearing it's ugly head over what could have been.

One thing my sponsor told me is NO AMOUNT OF PAIN WILL KILL YOU, what you DO with that pain will. My thought is allow those feelings to be there, seek G-d for help in learning the lessons and see what happens.

Your little girl may be in more pain than you realize and needs you right now to learn to take care of her.

Hi Queenie,

Thank you for your thoughts.


You know, Queenie, it's new for me to realize that maybe I haven't paid a lot of attention to the 'little girl' in me and her feelings... if so, she's been extremely patient!


I may have dismissed some of my feelings, seeing that they were from way back, in a way, judging them, thinking that they no longer applied... WRONG! Feelings want to be heard and felt, first and foremost, and then you can evaluate what to do, or NOT, about them.

...according to my latest reading...unless feelings are properly 'digested' as they come up.... they don't go away...they just get 'stuck'... It looks like I may have a few 'stuck'.... and until they are addressed, they can become 'blockers' over time...


It's a little strange to imagine that some part of us that hasn't had the proper attention, might still waiting to get it to be able to move on and grow!

Well...we're here to try things...and change things... and I can't think of a 'safer' a place nor of people who could be more understanding.

Thanks.

Hey Luna,

Where are you at lady. I'm thinking about you..

Queenie

Well...for a change, I thought of posting when I was NOT having some 'issue'.

so it was nice to see, Queenie, that you were checking in on me and, thank YOU, so very much for that.

Given that I am in Plan B and its nature, if it's working, it is drama-free somewhat, and expect my thread, understandably, to not be a 'priority' on the Board, as say, others that are in a more crisis-mode periods...which I have had my share of, believe me!

I have been 'lurking' on your thread....I haven't checked in to see how you are doing...so, going to do right now.

As I said, on my end....just an 'ordinary' day....which everything considered...is GOOD...really GOOD!

We are in this together girl. Good days, boring days, and bad days.

I'm glad you are doing good and all's quiet. Somehow I look forward to those days.

Hey Luna,

Good idea to post when you are having no issues. Hard to have a no issue day when you are a BS, but we still strive for it don't we????

((((Luna))))