fiori ~

interestingly enough, last night my H asked me about the blogging. i said i had a few more responses.

i indicated i had read something which caused me to ask a question (is it recommended that i ask H to read a particular blog). well,he had already read the blog i was thinking of asking him to read. (it was from a WS). his only comment was 'yeah, he really got hammered'. i said i didn't think he did...

it's all about perspective huh.

i think i came across the video you're talking about in the blog i was reading last night. i will try to watch it today. i have some errands to run etc. but, i know i have to be careful that i don't let my life get cluttered with the unimportant (demanding but unimportant)....that's what got me here in the first place.

i am learning to be strong and not be a doormat....which i had been. my two kids that are still at home respect me for fighting for my husband and marriage. they are angry at their sister though and don't understand why she can't forgive too...although she says she has. i don't believe she has either....she's pretty angry and resentful too.

and yet the two i'm fighting for (H and DD) seem to not be able to totally receive me in....it's almost like i'm the one who crossed the line...that's the unfair part. i could end up losing anyway...

i try to go about my business and not 'baby' my H. sometimes i feel like i'm being mean and uncaring to somewhat ignore his low mood. i care about him deeply but i have to find the balance between caring about him but not babying him.

i'll keep fighting though.

i've got a lot of reading to get done. :-)

The video link that I had my H watch is on the home page in the middle. Just click the video link and it will play.

2B, the dynamics you describe with conversation is something that I have had to learn more about in my M. I am a talker...I want to hash it out right now and be done with it. My H is a thinker...he needs to process the information and then is willing to talk if he has to. He might come to an amazing revelation within himself and he feels no need whatsoever to share those new insights with me. I on the other hand, will call him during the work day just to tell him about my new insight.

Two things that have really helped us in our communication...

One: My H uses a phrase to tell me that he has had enough input and needs to process. He says "runaway train." When he says that, I know that it means that he is not cutting me off, he is interested in talking more, but he needs to take a break. That has helped a lot.

Two: I write down thoughts that I have and share them in a list. That helps two ways, it helps H to hear the ideas in a clear manner (his rational mind likes this), and it helps me to stay on track with the topics I wanted to talk about.

Handle your H with kid gloves for awhile. I know it's not fair, but his withdrawals are something that you almost have to help him through. That said, you need to make sure to be honest with him when you have emotional triggers. Just say them in a statement instead of as a discussion...I statements work great for this. Example: "I felt very uncomfortable when I heard the music on the TV because I know it was one of your songs." Keep it focused on YOU and your feelings. That way you are not projecting onto him.

Keep it up. You can do it.

HTM

2B1:

You noted early on that you thought recovery had begun over a year ago.

Contact, in your husbands case, didn't end until the end of May.

All calendars quoted on this site for you two should start from THAT date.

If your WH is reading here, have him look up my posts.

He can look at posts and threads from "tst" as well.

He can learn from them.

And you can point him to specific threads. Why not? He may get something different from them, but discuss the things that you find interesting in them.

When Flamingo found this site, three days before D-day, she had done a bunch of reading. She told me about it. "I" then did alot of reading, but I was reading significantly different information than she was.

But the website, not the MBDB, gave us a vocabulary for us to talk to each other that didn't exist before.

It changed both of us. Had we not found the site first, before Dday, then we would be divorced now.

There was pain passed around. Much pain, But its alot less than what would have happened if we had gotten divorced.

Ask him to register, he doesn't have to post, but it makes it easier to dig out a posters prior posts.

LG

HTM~

i watched the video clip....i will ask my H to watch it but won't push him too...

it sounds like we both like to 'talk'.... and i am learning not to push my husband. if he wants to talk, he'll talk...otherwise, i can count on the fact that he's thinking as well and just needs to be quiet...

i am trying to learn (by his lack of interest at a certain point) to just give the facts in our conversation...my H doesn't need ALL the details.....unless it's to clarify something or something of that sort. i like the list thing...i'll give it a try.

i am handling my H with kid gloves as best i can and not turn it into being his mother (and no offense to her, she's a great in-law!)...and no, it's not fair as the BS that i have to do all the work right now to get him throught his and also get myself through this. i just keep telling myself that some day it's gonna be different and the giver in him will come back as well.....he won't always be the taker right?....

i'm still learning how to 'react' or approach him with things that trigger or something that i think might be sensitive to him. for the most part i basically don't talk about the A.. it's like outa sight, outa mind... only we're still reaping the consequences of it i guess which makes it right in front of our eyes!

after reading from a couple of you on how i could have handled the songs that triggered me when they came on the tv (something he had no control over in the first place other than to not stop on a country music station (hello))...

i am trying to take a deep breath first and quickly decided if it's worth the battle to let him know at that very moment that i was bothered by any particular thing....it's usually not, it comes out all wrong.

i know i have much to learn still.... i need to step out of my fairytale bubble that i seem to still be in. we have far from a fairytale marriage anymore. :-( i want my prince charming back though...

thanks HTM....you've been helpful.

hi lousygolfer....

thanks for your reply - - i had my original post typed but when i previewed the post i knew it was way too long and way too much detail so i edited before posting and made it much shorter (thanks HTM)....it's not important to vent all this crap all over again is it...and probably not healthy...

so, the long and short of when our recovery really started....yes, i thought our recovery started last year. may 07 is when i found out about the EA. NC was established in august, but broken in october 07 (unbeknown to me). somewhere around 05/21/08, the OW contacted me again and said there was nothing to worry about (she assured me) that my H actually made her sick now (yeah right!). they'll say anything huh...

well, come 05/25/08 OW contacted my husband but it was to tell him it was over and that there was no future for them.

in 07 my H went through a very very dark depressing time (not long after the 1st NC was put in place). it was scary!

it wasn't until he talked to me in june 08 and came clean with 'everything' that he has begun his withdrawal process again but he doesn't seem to be quite as depressed as the first time, but mood swings come and go and they are getting less and less severe.

it wasn't until he told me 'everything' that i found out not only had they been seeing each other the whole time!!! AND, they had a 'one night stand' (i call it), only it was during the day... i think it would be worse if i knew they kept that part of it going... it was one time, but the emails, texts and occasional phone call still took place.

i have since learned (through reading on this site) that an A is an addiction....a disease. and that's how i look at it.. that's how i keep it in perspective you might say. that's how i separte it from our marriage....it wasn't true love. in his fogged up brain he thought it was true love....his souldmate... (gag me!) how could he want someone that would treat him the way she did... i don't care if she made him feel like the king of the world! is that a disrespectful judgment against him? that's exactly why he fell for her...she made him feel like king... i let his crown slip from my hand and i hadn't placed it back on his head yet before she came along. :-(

on his days of having a clear mind, he sees and knows the difference (lust and love) and sees her for who she really was/is....one that was able to toss him aside on any given whim she might have... he was willing to give up everything for her. it was a game to her and will continue to be. i hope he gets smart before and if there is ever a time that she would ever contact him again. i can't wait for the day he continues and remains to have that clear mind...with me at the front of his brain again....

i am grateful for this website too, although my H is the one that found it...not me. and i'm just now getting into it. i continue to pray that this is a tool used to help us get our marriage fully recovered.

i truly believe that's what he wants as well. but he's dealing with his own guilt still, can God really forgive him, and the fact that he has screwed up our whole family now!!! i can only continue to pray for him that God will touch deep in his soul and become very real to him again. He has done that for me and i'm praying it for my whole family.

God really is the key in life isn't He.... i have always known that but i really know it now. He is the one who gives me the strength to continue through this mess. and the grace to forgive my husband and show him unconditional love and the desire to want to rebuild our marriage into something better than it's ever been...

well, i've really pressed my luck with this one....it's pretty long! sorry. but know it was way longer before i edited it... lol

i have been reading some on another thread. the NC letter was mentioned a couple times. here's my question:

the OW is actually the the one that called and said 'it's over'.. is there a need for my WH to write this letter even though there has been no contact now for almost two months?



also, i wasn't sure how to get my question posted because i wasn't responding to anyone's post at this point so i just 'replied' from my last post......

I wouldn't worry about the NC letter if they have had no contact and she is the one that ended the affair.

Are the two of you spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together? Are you meeting his top EN's?

i didn't think the letter was in order at this point....why upset the apple cart right?....

as far as the 15 hours...we're not getting that in. we spend time together but it's only a little bit in the evenings...sometimes sitting in the backyard talking, reading, him doing work, etc. and sometimes jsut watching tv. we do try to go out on friday or saturday night.

i'm trying to meet his emotional needs -- even if he's not in the best of moods at that moment. i will admit, he's usually in a better frame of mind after he goes to the gym though... i guess i should put everything off until he comes home from there. as long as i keep trying i guess that's the main thing.

i will strive to keep pushing through the exhaustion and meet those needs! it's hard though, too, he doesn't reciprocate yet.... ug. discouraging...but i've got our future to look forward to..

You really need to try to get those 15 hours a week in. It is very important for rebuilding intimacy.

Also meet the needs that he will let you meet. Admiration is usually very high for most men, so see if you can find something to admire about him.

thanks Believer ~

will work harder at getting the 15 hours in for sure.

and i will let him know what i admire about him.. :-)

good morning Believer ~

i've been thinking about what i can admire my husband for.... at this particular moment it's hard to think of anything. this week he's been in a 'low' mood.

he's having to drive north for work this week and that takes him past the town OW used to live in and also some private roads they used to meet at... naturally all his memories are triggered again... and satan runs wild with that!

it's so hard to not get in my own low mood when he's so down and keeping me at a distance. :-( the rejection i feel makes it so hard to want to continue trying to reach out to him.

my number one need is affection and unfortunately there isn't any... :-( i just feel like a failure sometimes. why can't i win him back....and maybe i am...just not as quickly as i'd like.

i just feel down today! i'm tired and exhausted.

my H reads this site faithfully every day and night. i encouraged him to register yesterday as lousygolfer suggested. he said he's thought about it.

when will he let go completely!!!??? i don't like this attitude that comes over me when i am tired and starved for any kind of attention...

my devotion this morning talked about being a 'light' for Christ... boy do i not feel like a light today. :-( my H has told me before that i am the light for him.... i must keep it going....my H so needs Christ back in his life (in control of it is what i mean...i know He will never leave him or forsake him...or me).

well, i'm here at work....no one's here to help keep my mind occupied, but i do have stuff that needs to get done. i will try to post this afternoon again. in the meantime i'll pray for a better attitude and take those negative thoughts and doubts captive.

just needed to vent a little this morning....

This is the perfect place to vent.

I know how hard it is when you need your H to meet your ENs and he is too foggy and in withdrawals to help. Can you find ways to pamper yourself? Bubble bath...paint your nails...get your haircut and pay for them to wash and style it...little things that make us feel special.

I didn't realize what my H was going through when he was in withdrawals so I can't tell you how I coped, other than that I remember being very distant from him (which BTW, didn't work). I think you just have to plug forward with doing your best to meet his ENs and know that you are paying it forward.

As far as admiration...could you admire his commitment to work and his desire to provide for your family? I know that while my H says that he doesn't need admiration, he likes to hear that I appreciate the hard work he does to keep our family financially stable.

HTM

hey HTM ~

thanks for your calm response this morning... when i first read it i wanted to respond right away but figured i should think about it a bit.

one of the things my H told me (which now i believe is some of the typical wayward babble) is that i only needed him for his paycheck.

i hesitate to thank him again for providing for us because his words keep ringing back to me... i know now though that it was the fog talking. he's always been proud to totally support our family (with the exception of tuition for the kids' school which is what my income goes for).

as i thought about your words 'you just have to plug forward with doing your best to meet his ENs' i sent him a couple of texts today to comment on a couple songs that were on the radio and particular phrases in the song that made me think of him.

as the day went on and i didn't hear from him and didn't hear from him...i was feeling like he was ignoring me.... but i took those thoughts captive!

anyway, without going into all the detail he responded back to me this afternoon and said thanks and that he appreciated the encouragement. he also said he wants to make progress and that he is going to try to register on MB tonight.

i told him he is making progress and that we would continue to do so one step and one day at a time. i also thanked him for wanting to make progress... it's a start. i know i have to continue. i ask God to give me little nuggets of hope and he so faithfully does...

i will keep plugging away even on those days where it just seems so hopeless....

i also thought of a couple other things i could do for him.... he recently moved back in a couple weeks ago and his clothes are in our son's closet and he can't get his truck in the garage because of all the junk that got piled in there when i moved...

well, when i get done posting this, i'm gonna go move my clothes over and move his to 'our' closet. my dad is gonna help me tomorrow to start getting the garage organized. i need to still show him that i really do care about him and that i'm willing to do whatever it takes for him.....period....that i'm willing to do whatever it takes! maybe he'll quit acting like a 'guest' and start acting like my husband.

thanks again for letting me vent. i know i'm gonna learn a lot from this website and all you people who are willing to share your advice and coaching those of us just in the beginning stages of getting to the place of a recovered marriage. i am grateful.

Sounds like a good idea - making room for his clothing, and clearing out the garage. Try to remember what other things that he would like you to do, and do what you can.

This stuff is hard, and there is no fast way to get through it unfortunately.

I agree. Those sound like great ideas.

Don't forget to take care of yourself also. It's easy to get sucked into figuring out how to meet his ENs and then all of a sudden, you realize you haven't taken care of yourself.

My H thinks I'm a nut for all of the thank you's that I give him. But even little words are helpful to stay connected.

I've told other people about the game that me and H play. Your H might not be ready to play from his side yet, but you could. It's called "I love you because..." Every day the goal is to be the first person to say "I love you because...(fill in the blank)" The other person then has to wait and say it back at another time during the day (so that it isn't just a "I love you too"). What I like is that it really makes me think about WHY I love my H...not just that I do.

Just another idea.

HTM

Ummmm....why aren't you going to the gym with him?

the idea behind the 15 hours of time together - it is supposed to be enjoyable time together. Not just sitting in the same room, watching the same TV. But actually doing something together - aknowledging each other, having fun togehter.

if he enjoys going to the gym - this seems like the best place for you two to spend time together.

do you have any type of work out routine for yourself? If not, perhaps you could start small,at home. And then when he sees that you are truly committed to a routine, then ask if you could join him at the gym. I wouldn't rush to the gym firs thing.He may think you are only going there to spy on him. But if you start working out at home, and he can see that you are serious about working out, then you can ask him if you can join him at the gym.
it seems like a great activity for the two of.

yes, i get caught up in 'what can i do for him to draw him back to me' but i know i need to take care of myself too.

i'm trying to give him words of encouragement and admiration. i feel defeated sometimes but i eventually remember what's important....and that's loving my man...no matter what he does or doesn't do.

i like the 'i love you because' idea. i will think hard and try to come up with something as often as i can for now...i hope it will come easier once he's more receptive.

i'd love to go to the gym with my H but his membership is paid for completely by his employment. we really don't have the money. at this point we're checking into the credit counsel and/or bankruptcy... ug.

i will pay closer attention to the 15 hours a week and start seeing just how much time we really do spend together....actually doing something besides sitting on the couch watching tv or reading blogs... lol

my husband may have registered on this site last night...not sure though. if he did, i am only guessing at what his screen name is (of the new ones listed).. i won't say which one i think it is...i'll ask him later. if it's the one i think it is though, i wish it was something more positive...

but, i'm trying to keep a positive attitude here...i may not like the screen name (if it's really his) BUT, at least he's even on this website right?..... i know, i know....be thankful and quit worrying about what i don't know for fact...

anyway, back to exercising... i have gotten away from exercising. my H and i used to walk every day in the beginning of this mess... i've asked him a couple times to go for a walk in the last few weeks but he's been 'too tired'.... ug.

i have the big exercise ball that i can use and also a mini rebounder which i like. i will make it a point to get exercise back into my schedule.

prior when he mentioned about possibly getting a gym membership for the rest of us, he made the comment that he probably wouldn't stick with me while exercising. i took that personally at first but realized i'm not gonna be doing the same thing he's doing anyway... as long as we're there together right...

and who knows, maybe once he decides he really wants our marriage to work (which i think he does but he flips flops in and out of this fog)...he'll want me to exercise with him.

he just said yesterday that he wants to make progress so i truly believe that's what he wants. and that's what i want. am i foolish to believe him totally at this point?

i will plug away at the exercise by myself right now and let him see my committment to it (like you said)....and the benefit for me is to lose the 10 pounds i just put back on...

Mornin' 2B,

Welcome to MB. Yes, your H did register here last night. You guys are SOOOOO fortunate that you've found MB to help you with your recovery. It will go a lot smoother and a lot faster now that you have. I didn't find MB until we were way into recovery but it has still been a Godsend to me and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

As far as your beginning in recovery, try and keep your expectations down. They say that the BS carries most of the load in the beginning because the WS is usually still in the fog and going through withdrawals on top of that. I remember being so frustrated with my DH, I was trying everything to "make it better" and he was just depressed and barely responding. I didn't know about the fog or withdrawal and it nearly broke my heart all over again. I remember getting "angry" with him. How dare him behave like this after what he'd done! LOL

It took us much longer to get to true recovery but you guys are way ahead of the game by both of you posting here. That's awesome!

2B1:

I will be posting to yout husband later.

I wanted to pull out one thing since my last post to you.

You stated that your WH said: "I feel like a paycheck around here"

Like the "ILYBINILWY" Speech or the rewriting of marital history, this line speaks volumes about the relationship.

Your EN's were getting met. His were not. He is happy to provide for his family, but what did he get in return?

That is what that comment is all about.

A defensive answer from you would be: "Well, that should be enough!"

It wasn't. And then one day OW started talking to him.

And off the affairland he went.

You descibe the distance between you. How he is displaying any affection. You haven't been giving it for years. Time to start offering it. You might get rejected, but you need to offer. Rub his back and shoulders. "Tired from Work? Maybe this can help" Cook a special meal for him. Compliment him on that way he looks today going to work. Ask about HIS day at work.

Your efforts in this area, overtime, say 2-3 weeks, will start to bear fruit. And your H's reluctance to accept will be reduced as he continues his path down withdrawal.

And then he will start to reciprocate with the affection that you so desparately crave.

You guys did not get into this pit overnight. It tooks YEARS to get here. It will take a while to get out. MB makes the climb easier.

LG