Hey AWH,

You're right. It IS scary, but I'll tell ya' what, it will be REALLY good for you.

It really takes the power a WS has over you and gives YOU your power BACK.

Right now she can dilly-dally and keep you dancing on the end of a string...waiting with baited breath for the phone to ring or for email, etc.

Well, once in B, she CAN'T do that anymore!! And you don't have to sit there and wonder if you'll hear from her, etc.

Of course, WSs almost always test your resolve. Mine didn't do much of anything, but he did try to get to me through his blog.

Have you been doing Plan A?

Have a nice day!

Charlotte

Eeyoree,
My M has been in recovery for about a year. I have to admit I've been a little worried that I would be vulnerable to having a resentment A (if opportunity presented itself). After reading your post, I don't think I would be capable. It's not worth it.

AMEN SISTER!

Mr. G

LOL

Dancing machine,
I was doing plan A, dinner/zoo and it seemed to help a little bit but then I found out my WW was having a PA. I've tried an email like mentioned earlier but no response. Almost like she is giving me the Plan B! She's dropped contact so far..... I almost feel that the Plan B letter will mean very little to her right now...

introvert,


LOL...gotta give you props...I enjoy your humor and choked on noodles with the quoted line.

::::insert seriously wide grin here::::

Thank you,

LA

Sorry for ruining your lunch, LA

Did you do any LB's after you received the email? You have a thread, don't you?

Well, I tell ya' what, Plan B will be wonderful for YOU. And that's the main focus of B. It's about YOU, not them. And believe me, it's good to take that power away, just what you spoke of...that she's doing a B on you.

You have to have your heart and mind in sync for B, though.

Charlotte

Me 2!!! MB is a cult, MB is a cult! Nana nana boo boo!!!

Seriously:


My W also called MB a cult at one or 28732 points over the past 6.5 years, IIRC. She was a WW, though (she isn't even a FWW now), not that I think it matters, the difference.

I think it would be far more productive if people here (particularly those like eeyore) would make some effort 2 try 2 understand why so many make that judgment, rather than get their bowels in an uproar over the fact that they have.

Besides, it's not a cult, it's an asylum! ;oD

-ol' 2long

Itrovert,
I did as you suggested and yes, I did miss the satire. My bad I guess, so for that I apoligize. Read you're reply quick last night and all I could say to myself was "HUH". Should have left it at that. My apolgies, keep up the good work. Just has a large glass of lemonade and now I can see clearly.

eeyoree,
Your awakening to the harm your A caused and your H's pain is a harsh reality to look at and live with everyday. But the wounds can heal and yes, they will leave a scar, but you can and must find a way in this entire journey, to heal yourself as well and accept forgiveness when it comes. I do wish you well in this process.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I just spit my lemonade on my keyboard. I'm not kidding you.....

Good one 2 long...

E.

Ga615,

Here is what I learned from my resentment A:

A Resentment(Retaliation) A has both positives and negatives. Since I just ended mine I’ll throw them out there as objectively as I possibly can.(Still pretty hard to do and I'm sure I'm missing some major elements) This is for a marriage in plan A and recovering where the WS is totally remorseful and has no interest in continuing A w/ OP. I wouldn’t recommend it because the risks are high, and its not right, but it worked for me. I’ll start w/ the negatives.
NEGATIVES:
1. The pain/hurt to your WS – At least you know how to comfort them and what to say.(I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry)
2. The guilt you feel – This is somewhat minimized since it is retaliatory, but none the less exits.
3. The pain/hurt to the OP – This is hard because the OP may really think you are into them when ultimately you are not, you enter the FOG, but know in the end you must leave it and think clearly again.
4. Falling in love again w/ WS – Since you had the A as a retaliation, odds are your are somewhat falling out of love w/ your WS as you commit the same act. This again reduces the pain associated w/ the original A, but then you must work together to fall deeply in love again. This is hard, this is very hard because you are so close to being “OVER” the one who hurt you the most, yet you must begin the rebuilding process and fall in love w/ them all over again after you’ve bulldozed the relationship. You take the relationship as close to ZERO as you can, then pull it back at the lowest possible point.
5. You must both stay on guard for the rest of your life – You must rebuild trust in each other. You must have rules that keep you from EVER having an A again. You must agree that it is even, and over. It will be much easier to cheat the second time, so you live your life always cognizant of your tendency for betrayal.

POSITIVES:
1. The pain/hurt to you as a BS – This pain is almost immediately reduced or eliminated. You now have someone else very interested in you and wanting you to leave your spouse so that you can be w/ them. This makes you feel human again. It makes your love for your spouse be hindered so the pain is lessened due to a natural feeling of “Hey, I’m better off with this new person anyway! Their LOSS! Your family/friends are cool w/ the relationship as you were betrayed FIRST.(Not right, but none the less not near as bad as the original CHEATER in most folks mind) Why I have no idea????
2. Your WS becomes jealous – This is the interesting part. Your WS realizes not only the hurt they caused because now they are feeling it,but someone else is already there to steal their BS from them. They become even MORE committed to plan A because you too have a lover. This evens out the playing field to some extent.
3. Greatly reduced recovery time – In 90 days since D day, I’ve gained all my weight loss back, sleep throughout the night, drink a lot less, and I’m able to concentrate at work again. I’ve heard of 2+ years on this board before folks start to fill normal again.
4. You think you could never do it, that your WS is the scum of the earth, you realize you can and did do it, the resentment almost completely goes away towards your WS. We are all human, and we make errors. To make a similar error, makes you that much more forgiving. Your judgement ceases, the healing begins in earnest.

Just my thoughts.....Good Luck!

Ogle......put your work boots on.

dancing machine..don't want to stomp on this thread, here's mine under: Wife still in fog or no....

Ogle:

Please don't take this wrong, but:

Can you see the nose in front of your face?

Your assessment of what you've "learned" by having a revenge A is pretty short-sighted.

What you've done is complicate an already very difficult process.

Good luck going 4ward.

-ol' 2long

Thank you, AWH!

Ogle,

I agree with 2L. You are still so much in the fog you have no idea what you have done with your revenge affair. It could be argued that your spouse may or may not have known how much pain an affair causes, but that cannot be said for you. It could be said that your spouse may or may not have been aware of the slippery slope he/she was on but the same cannot be said for you.

It could be said that you were a good person before your spouses affair, during your spouses affair, but it cannot be said any longer.

It could be said that you at least honored your vows unlike your spouse, but not any longer.

Relieving guilt, anger, resentment is NOT recovery, it really is not even a step in recovery. It is simply addressing the symptoms of other events, personal failures, and frustration, but it does not actually address the causes.

You may think recovery will be better now because you are on an "equal" footing with your spouse, but the experiences here indicate this will not be the case long term. There is no one in your marriage that can reach down and help the other person up. There is no one that can really support the other, because no matter the issue: guilt, fear, insecurity, etc. Both of you will have it and if you don't something is very wrong.

Revenge affairs don't "cure" affairs, they just make things more complicated.

I do hope you read the articles on this site and I certainly encourage you and your spouse to seek good pro marriage counseling. You both have given away something that cannot be gotten back and that is not a step forward.

God Bless,

JL

ogle your full of it... Sorry E t/j here but I have to point this out


WTF, you are telling me that you think because of your WS A that your RA should be just as easy to get over. Unless Im mistaken by what I am reading. A RA hurts just as bad as the WS A does.


Please share with me your magic of helping in reducing recovery time. For us its making the recovery time alot harder to achieve cause not only did I DO WRONG, HE DID WRONG. And that alone has caused pain, heart ache, fear, trust issues, and learning to gain respect all over again and ways to improve our love for each other and our family. So please get off of the drug you are on and come down to earth. I think you are in a fog of your own. If you think this is it.


YOU have so much to learn and probally alot to gain. "hopefully" Resentment doesnt almost completely go away to a WS because of a RA. NO to make a similar error does not make one that much forgiving. Judgement doesnt cease. Healing goes along with working on the M and on yourself.

Ogle
Thanks for being honest. There are two things I've figured out by reading everyone's post here. I work with a lot of men and opportunity is there and I have not pursued it - that's good news. Also I was afraid of a business trip to a place where someone from my past lives. I'm no longer afraid of bumping into him. I don't want to bulldoze my marriage and I wouldn't want to use the other person that at one time was special to me. I couldn't hurt him that way. For now, I think I'm okay. I just need to tell my husband about this and I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want him to think I would have an RA.

I think I need muck boots...

That's what you wear when you're cleaning stalls and dealing with horse manure...

Mark